Is this normal behaviour or does DH have anger issues?

[reastie]

I feel really . DH has always had outbursts of aggression/anger when under stress or really annoyed. These used to be very rare (unless he hid them from me unknowingly) and he'd usually just throw something across the room or shout to himself a bit and then it was all over and he was fine again. They always have upset me and DH knows this but he has always said just to ignore him and couldn't understand why I found it distressing (I'm a sensitive soul). He had got to the point of knowing when he was close to such an outburst and would say something to me about he was leaving the room as he was getting cross and not to worry it wasn't that he was cross at me and would then go upstairs and punch the door or some such

Since we've had dd (she is one) I believe these outbursts to be more frequent. Today I've felt really upset. He was looking after DD downstairs while I was upstairs and she was crying and distressed (not sure why). DH was already in a mood, probably because he tried to do some DIY which went wrong, or just as he had to do DIY which he hates and I had seen him break a bird feeder in the garden earlier in anger as he couldn't get it down to refill it (if he can't do or get something like that he often will just smash it in frustration), anyway, after a while of DD crying alot DH screamed at DD, when I say screamed, he really shouted at her very aggressively. I'm not sure what he said and it was quite short, but it really scared me that he would take out his anger on her like that and that she had done nothing wrong she was just upset. He went all surly afterwards.

I told DH twice this afternoon how upset I was by this incident. First time he grunted and walked away from me hoping that would be that and I wouldn't mention it again and second time he just joked 'yes that wasn't very good was it'. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. I know he must know it wasn't good and I don't want to push the issue but I am upset by it.

The thing that worries me in addition to this is that I've noticed increasingly I've started to throw things/kick things when I'm annoyed, like his behaviour is rubbing off on me. I don't want to be like this and I don't want DD growing up thinking this is OK. But, I don't know if DH has an actual problem or not. I've mentioned to him before I think he may have an anger management problem and he's just said we all have our issues (I have a few psychological issues including having had pnd and also a long standing battle with emetophobia which really does rule my life) and hinted I'm not perfect so I can't talk. The thing is, I acknowledge I have a problem and have had professional help to try to help myself over the years.

Does this sound like I'm just being a status patheticus and DH is just a grumpy old man or should I try to talk to him about getting help? Any advice? Apologies for essay

Good luck, BTW. It must have been hard starting this thread and hearing our thoughts.

My father always smashed his own things up too

it didn't make it any less terrifying and damaging for us kids though

My dad smashed stuff up too. He once threw a tape of mine onto the floor and jumped up and down on it. My crime? It was an old tape that I was bored with and I had put tape over the tabs so I could use it to record music off the radio.

He kicked a hole through my sister's bedroom door. He punched a hole in the bannister. He threw his plate at the wall, that sort of thing.

He never loses his temper with anyone else. Not at any of the places he's worked. Not with his mother or his late father (who are the 2 people he could justifiably be angry with). No. He reserves this uncontrollable anger that he just can't help, for his wife and, when we were kids, for us.

Oh, and from inside the car, safely driving along. He has uncontrollable anger from the safety of his car.

Funny old thing, this uncontrollable anger, OP. Watching from the sidelines, it doesn't seem uncontrollable.

It seems very well controlled indeed.

NO ONE thinks they are in an abusive relationship until the abuse gets really bad even then most are left by that point thinking they pushed their partner to it, they try and find reasons (their partner was abused, had violent father and so on these are not reasons they are excuses!!!) and often try to help their partner or find solutions to help them with their so called problem

now does that sound familiar. it is the story of almost every women who has been in an abusive realtionship

i wish i could say to you he will change you can help him but the only person who can make a difference to your life is you now and you finding a way to move on and move out

I've just been googline domestic abuse and found a questionnaire thingy. I answered yes to 2 maybe 3 of the perhaps 20 warning pointers and it said if you answered yes to most it was likely domestic abuse, so I still don't think that's what it is. It does worry me that this has become more frequent since DD, and I must admit it does occur to me what if it continues getting worse but I can't dwell on that or I will lead an even more anxiety filled existence. Actually another thing that bugs me along similar lines is personally I dislike swearing. DH knows how I feel on this especially in front of DD even if she is little still but in recent months has started swearing more, usually when he gets annoyed but has done in regular conversation to emphasise a point which he has never done before. We have had regular conversations about this and even discussed other words he could use instead which I would find less offensive and upsetting (when he gets cross swearing for some reason makes it sound even more aggressive IMO). So he knows how I feel on this yet he still does it like my feelings don't matter. To show you how unthoughtful he is - I actually had to ask him to ask me about my day/myself in the evenings as I just felt ignored. Don't think he meant to upset me in this respect, he just seems emotionally mucked up somehow . This thread is making me think so much and I'm worrying about DD growing up getting like this. He is my DH though, I'm not just going to leave him!

Can you link to the questionnaire? I'm curious. Would you mind?

This was it. taken from hiddenhurt.co.uk

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Do you:

... sometimes feel afraid of your partner?
... feel as though the boundaries keep shifting?
... feel as though you can never do the right thing?
... often feel guilty for something you have not done?
... feel as though you are walking on eggshells?s
... often change your social engangements because of your partner?
... wish he/she would change and be nicer to you?
... spend more time thinking of what your partner wants than what you do?

Does your partner:

... get jealous easily, even without reason?
... nag or belittle you frequently?
... always want to know where you have been and what you have been doing?
... threaten to hurt himself or the children if you don't comply?
... sometimes just seem to totally ignore you for hours or days?
... insist on having sex even if you don't really want to?
... embarass you in front of friends or family?
... belittle your accomplishments or trash your ideas?

If you can answer yes to most of those, then chances are, you are in an abusive relationship

I said yes to numbers 4, 7, ?13? but some of the others are definite no, he's nothing like most of them.

going on your posts on this thread - I would have ticked more than 3.

You're not afraid of him but in your OP you said he scared you. The question was are you sometimes afraid.

Why did you tick no, when that contradicts what you said in your OP

and if you can do that with one question - have you done it with others?

you needed to ask if you thought you were in an abusive relationship. why would you need to ask that if something was not wrong. it gets confusing, blame is put on everyone but the one who is being abusive

asking that question alone speaks volumns

Lundy bancroft's book is great also just reading other womens stories

I'm with Hecate
Frome reading your op's I would have thought would have ticked more.

From what I have read, and only what I have read.
I would have said yes to 1,3,4,5,7,8,13and the last one no. 16.

Sadley I have got that all from what you have written.

Looking at that, I´m surprised to have to answer yes to most of them.

I would have thought answering yes to any was a bad sign.

Do you:

... sometimes feel afraid of your partner? You have said he scares you.
... feel as though the boundaries keep shifting?
... feel as though you can never do the right thing? You are constantly doing things to please him
... often feel guilty for something you have not done?You said you felt guilty because you had a lazy day
... feel as though you are walking on eggshells? You avoid him, you don't want to do anything that will set off his temper
... often change your social engangements because of your partner?
... wish he/she would change and be nicer to you? yes
... spend more time thinking of what your partner wants than what you do? yes

Does your partner:

... get jealous easily, even without reason?
... nag or belittle you frequently?
... always want to know where you have been and what you have been doing?
... threaten to hurt himself or the children if you don't comply?
... sometimes just seem to totally ignore you for hours or days? You said yes
... insist on having sex even if you don't really want to?
... embarass you in front of friends or family?
... belittle your accomplishments or trash your ideas? Compleatly blew you down when you suggested he had a problem, and he may need help

my mother has been denying she is in an abusive relationship for 46 years

it doesn't make it so

please keep a record of his behaviour to remind yourself he has done this before

and please remember you have done nothing wrong what he is doing is wrong

I'm not sure it is fair to the OP to answer the questions for her. She is a grown woman and can think for herself. Yes, your comments may help her realise and be more honest about how she feels, but you cannot answer for someone else's relationship and innermost feelings from a few paragraphs.

reastie. You know my DH can be a bit of an arse sometimes, but the thought of leaving him etc has never crossed my mind because ultimately I know that he loves me, respects me and cares for my well being. So when issues like this come up, I talk to him about them, keep telling him, and if they don't change straight away I take the long view- we love each other, we are committed, married FGS, for better or for worse. Eventually it comes to a head and we can deal with it, or it sort of fades away along with the stress or whatever caused it.

The reason I can do this however is as I said, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my DH is utterly devoted to me and ultimately has my best interests, and those of us as a couple, at heart. Can you say the same of your DH? If so, I would say keep working through it, keep talking to him, even if he doesn't talk back.

One other thing- my DH also comes from a weirdy family who shout at each other and sulk and are just 'grumpy'. We've been married 7 years and slowly he has improved, to the point that he criticises his family now for the way they are. My point being that that was the norm for a good 25 years- it takes time to change habits and ways of doing things.

my father loves my mother, I have no doubt

it doesn't stop him treating her like shit though

he can't help it, he is an inadequate person

the choice you make is whether you believe that is good enough

from my experiences, I don't believe just "loving" someone is enough...some forms of love are toxic

if you don't respect another, it's all just ashes isn't it ?

and I believe I am being perfectly fair to the Op to recount my childhood experiences here

I would resent it if someone told me that wasn't worthwhile

i find it deeply disturbing that you would make excuses for a person who screams in your infant daughter's face while she cries.

make sure you have a long list of excuses and justifications ready for when DD is older OP. you're going to need them when she asks you why you let this carry on.

by the sounds of this thread, you've already got a headstart on that so you should be alright

Reastie-i posted on the an thread before i read this and i do afraid echo what others have said on here.

I also think there i a big difference between a man with a temper who shouts and swears to himself or breaks things and a father who shouts at his own baby for crying .

She is a little girl and will grow up to allow her partners to treat her this way.

At the very least you need to let him know that this is simply unacceptable and if he doesnt seek help then you will consider very carefuly what to do next.

Maybe you should get the dreaded mil involved.

In my experience if you really love someone then even when you lose your temper you are sorry afterwards.

If you are not or cant show that you are then there lies the issue.

AF perhaps my understanding of love is different to yours. If I love someone, if something I do hurts them, I will try and change. Fail perhaps, slip up, maybe, but at least try.

I agree that respect is probably the key here.

I wasn't implying that you shouldn't share your experiences- surely that's what the OP asked for when she started the thread. They are very valid.

ANother thing that is sadly very common is for abusive men to get worse once they have a child. Because, before any DC arrive, it's fairly easy not to notice that the man you live with is actually a selfish prick who thinks men are more important than women and that it is your job and your duty to put him first, all the time. But once there's a baby, women prioritize (quite rightly) the baby's wellbeing over the man's, and inadequate bad men start to act up. Some have affairs, some insist on pursuing a hobby no matter what and will never give the woman a break, others get more aggressive.

Thanks all. DH has been pretty nice and attentive today. He probably feels guilty .But, I still don't believe it's domestic abuse at this stage although i can see the potential for a person to deteriorate and it is something I will need to watch out for and deal with if needed. I certainly never want to see him behave like that with or around DD again.

led and deb I was tempted to email SIL and see if BIL is the same and how they deal with it, but we arn't that close and I feel it may be too much. I don't want to get MIL involved at this point, she's potentially put up with similar for years with FIL and shrugged it off so not sure what use that would be. I wonder if the next time DH upsets me and I am crying because of it, to actively try to tell him he has made me cry. I think maybe 9 times out of 10 he doesn't realise as I hide it, he probably thinks I'm just a moody old bag for not wanting to be normal with him always. Hopefully then he can see more regularly what's going on.

FWIW oik I don't know if DH screamed in DDs face, I was in another room and only heard it. Not that that makes it better but want to make that clear.

deb I think you have a point with the love and respect thing, although I can see how what you said could be misinterpreted. I believe that he truly does love me and DD and would do pretty much anything for us, so that's not an issue, it's just dealing with his emotions he apparently is struggling with.

I agree sgb. It takes a secure confident man to be able to take the back seat whilst a baby is prioritised.

Reastie the problem with abusive relationships is that people keep moving the goal posts-i did it myself.

You have in your last post played it down and made excuses for him. He doesnt need to scream in A;s face for it to tick the correct box which is bad enough,he shouted very loudly at her,you heard. I would certainly monitor this situation carefully love.
I had my hair pulled once in the early days with my ex,this soon became slaps then punches,eventually i had a fractured skull and perferated ear drum.
Im not suggesting dh will do that,just showing you how easy it is to move the acceptable boundaries along to suit.