Is this normal behaviour or does DH have anger issues?

[reastie]

I feel really . DH has always had outbursts of aggression/anger when under stress or really annoyed. These used to be very rare (unless he hid them from me unknowingly) and he'd usually just throw something across the room or shout to himself a bit and then it was all over and he was fine again. They always have upset me and DH knows this but he has always said just to ignore him and couldn't understand why I found it distressing (I'm a sensitive soul). He had got to the point of knowing when he was close to such an outburst and would say something to me about he was leaving the room as he was getting cross and not to worry it wasn't that he was cross at me and would then go upstairs and punch the door or some such

Since we've had dd (she is one) I believe these outbursts to be more frequent. Today I've felt really upset. He was looking after DD downstairs while I was upstairs and she was crying and distressed (not sure why). DH was already in a mood, probably because he tried to do some DIY which went wrong, or just as he had to do DIY which he hates and I had seen him break a bird feeder in the garden earlier in anger as he couldn't get it down to refill it (if he can't do or get something like that he often will just smash it in frustration), anyway, after a while of DD crying alot DH screamed at DD, when I say screamed, he really shouted at her very aggressively. I'm not sure what he said and it was quite short, but it really scared me that he would take out his anger on her like that and that she had done nothing wrong she was just upset. He went all surly afterwards.

I told DH twice this afternoon how upset I was by this incident. First time he grunted and walked away from me hoping that would be that and I wouldn't mention it again and second time he just joked 'yes that wasn't very good was it'. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. I know he must know it wasn't good and I don't want to push the issue but I am upset by it.

The thing that worries me in addition to this is that I've noticed increasingly I've started to throw things/kick things when I'm annoyed, like his behaviour is rubbing off on me. I don't want to be like this and I don't want DD growing up thinking this is OK. But, I don't know if DH has an actual problem or not. I've mentioned to him before I think he may have an anger management problem and he's just said we all have our issues (I have a few psychological issues including having had pnd and also a long standing battle with emetophobia which really does rule my life) and hinted I'm not perfect so I can't talk. The thing is, I acknowledge I have a problem and have had professional help to try to help myself over the years.

Does this sound like I'm just being a status patheticus and DH is just a grumpy old man or should I try to talk to him about getting help? Any advice? Apologies for essay

You can't make someone change if they don't want to. You can give them every opportunity to change, you can support them if they are trying to change - but if they won't, then you can't control that

Very very true!

How do you feel about your daughter growing up in a home where she spends time, almost before she knows anything else about the world, wondering why daddy shouts at her and how she can avoid making him throw things?

You both need to leave away from fear, one way or another.

Thanks for all your replies, I managed to sleep in the end and feel a bit better this morning, infact, I'm wondering if I'm making a fuss over nothing, yes this has got worse since DD was born and yes it does upset me, but I don't think it's as bad as some people on here have experienced and the time he gets angry is so small compared to when he is good and patient etc with dd. I also now feel a complete acceptability that it's my fault which I feel confused by - I know his outbursts arn't my fault but I do have a strong part of me which feels making an issue like this of them is my fault, maybe that's what he wants, i don't know. He is a very straight down the line person and doesn't know what to do with emotional stuff he genuinely has no idea how to behave and what to say so when I try to talk to him about stuff he usually says nothing other than 'what do you want me to say?', which I think is why he left me last night. Sometimes I wonder if he is emotionally autistic!

bonkey I didn't mention counselling to him and tbh if I did I don't think he would. Our relationship broadly is happy although I sometimes find myself unhappy with things but he seems fine and when I ask him about it he says everything is fine and doesn't realise I'm not happy, it's like he doesn't realise things are rubbish and think it's normal. I will try and either be very attentive in the hope it rubs off on him and he does more or will go the opposite in the hope he realises what I did before, he usually notices neither even when I talk to him. We have been I think more distant as a couple since dd but I put that down to having a baby and adjusting. Sometimes I lie in bed thinking about how I can't stay with him as I get so upset with how I feel he can treat me (his tone of speech is very rude and I get upset by this and feel like he's talking to me like some piece of dirt. He knows this but doesn't mean it to come out like this, it's just him IYKWIM) but then things are fine and I feel awful for even thinking it. He is in his mid 30's and hecate I've not known him do this with other people (except assume he has at home with his parents) but then I behave to him how I wouldn't with other people IYKWIM.

I feel bad writing that as I think I make him out to be worse than he is, and generally things are fine. He is just adjusting to parenting like I struggle with it too. When I'm at home on my own and I can't take it any more with DD I think once I may have got cross (although not shouted like that) and I've sat sobbing while DD looks at me and laughs at me she always laughs for some reason when I cry . So I'm not teaching a great example either. Gosh, we are going to have a mucked up child with such emotionally retarded parents arn't we

I find it so sad when I read about the justifications and excuses that women make for inadequate men.

"it's just him"

yes, it is

and it isn't good enough

Your baby laughs when you cry because she doesn't understand you are sad, she just knows your face goes a funny shape. Later she will learn about other people's feelings. Nothing to worry about at this stage.

However, when a grown-up man doesn't understand about other people's feelings, there is something to worry about.

Oh dear - I wish you could see how awful this situation is :( You are blaming yourself and justifying his atrocious behavior!! Please, read your own posts and pretend someone else has written them... try to see his behaviour for what is is completely unacceptable.

Does he bahave like this in front of boss/work colleagues/friends/other family?

If not, why is it acceptable to do it in front of you & your daughter?

Look, this man is a total fucknugget and this tantrumming of his is a way of keeping you in your place. He likes the fact that you are scared and you cry when ever he stamps his big bad foot. The aim is to make sure that you (and your DD) have no higher priority than keeping him contented.
Tell him you are going to give him one chance and one only, and if he whines that you've always put up with it before you can tell him that you won't have DD subjected to his nasty childish behaviour and he either gets a grip and starts acting like an adult instead of a spoilt toddler, or you will throw him out.

Amen to SGB, not that I expect the OP to do that.

Read your last post again, see what a high standard you are holding yourself to while expecting NOTHING, literally NOTHING, in the way of normal human consideration from him. When she's bigger, are you going to tell your daughter "don't play loudly, you'll make daddy angry" or "don't tease daddy, you know how he is", i..e. expect more from your child than from your adult husband? Because that's the way it's looking. He doesn't get a free pass because he's a bloke, or because he married you or fathered your child. He should be the person who makes you feel safe and loved above all others, the person your daughter can cling to when something else scares her, not the scary thing itself.

sgb you are wonderful. hope you are ok op

Thanks so much everyone. Things have just gone back to normal today, DH quite chirpy infact . He asked me this morning if I slept well and looked surprised when I said no. I do wonder if he just doesn't realise or understand how much he can upset me and thinks it's just me being difficult. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things happen. I've made my feelings to him known so if he didn't realise how I feel before he does now. I'll see how his anger manifests itself and if and when it happens again I guess I'll try and find the inner strength to talk to him about it after the event. I can live with being upset myself, it's just I don't want DD to feel she can behave like this and it is acceptable, plus it scares me that I find myself increasingly behaving like this. I don't know if solidbrass is right with the keeping me in my place, I really don't think that's what it is, he isn't like that at all. I think it's more he feels frustrated and this is the way he gets his annoyance, anger and frustration out. I'm not defending it, but I am saying I don't think there's anything more sinister than that. I'm not scared of him at all on a daily basis, it just freaks me out when he gets cross. chipping I agree there is an element of self blame here, and this thread has made me realise that and I will now be aware of how I do this to myself and try to notice this thought process so that I can try to realise it's not me it's him. annie I agree I do find it worrying that DH can't gauge, interpret and understand my feelings and behave sympathetically. I thought this was a man thing though . DH and I have only ever been with each other, and DH is a bit of a loner and doesn't have any friends or much contact with people outside our families.

it's not a "man" thing

it's an "inadequate person" thing

"Things have just gone back to normal today, DH quite chirpy infact"

He's gone back into the nice phase again. Its the calm before the next storm happens as it will. Look at the circle of abuse. Its a continuous cycle.

What SGB wrote earlier as well. Your H is taking all his frustrations out on you and that is just plain wrong. He does not treat others the same way. I also think he does not like being in "second place" to your DD. Breaking things too is just plain wrong as well, bet you as well that a number of your own personal possessions have been smashed. Not his things.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships. The model you currently have is not a good one for her to follow.

You kid yourself too if you can live with being upset yourself; that shows him and you that your feelings are of no importance whatsoever and further emphasises that everyone else tiptoes around this man. What lesson does that teach your child?.

"I agree I do find it worrying that DH can't gauge, interpret and understand my feelings and behave sympathetically. I thought this was a man thing though . DH and I have only ever been with each other, and DH is a bit of a loner and doesn't have any friends or much contact with people outside our families".

Not a man thing re your first sentence. That is the hallmark of an inadequate person. He either cannot or does not want to behave decently because you're the sop for all his inherent ills.

Re your second sentence that is all very unhealthy for both of you.

I can understand why your H doesn't have any friends, tbh

He's acting chirpy because he doesn't want to consider that this is a real issue, and wants you to start resuming service-as-usual asap too.

He doesn't want to change, OP. Simply does not want to. You saw it yourself:

He just said he knows it's wrong but didn't offer to change, he's resigned that he can do nothing about it or doesn't perceive it as an issue i think.

My father didn't have many friends, and the ones he did pick up along the way soon backed off when they witnessed what an inadequate dick he was (he could show a "normal" face for a while, but always reverted to type when a small frustration tipped him over)

People don't want to be near men that treat their families like this, I am afraid. They want nothing to do with a person like that.

He thinks that you are a 'woman' not a human being, his 'woman' and therefore somewhere between domestic appliance and domestic pet. As far as he's concerned your feelings simply don't matter. He doesn't really think anyone matters apart from him, by the sound of it.

OP, I bet it scary and seems a massive leap to consider walking away from a man like this.

A man who screams at a baby. A man who brings you to tears on a regular basis yet you eloquently turn it around and blame yourself.

What happens when he screams at your dd again? What happens when he lashes out and your dd gets caught in the crossfire?

I tell you a story - my mum is married to a man like yours. He lashes out, rages, shouts etc (cowardly though - he tested me with an out rust and I walked out. Didn't do it again). Anyway - he was having a rage and slammed the sliding door shut. The fucker did it while my mum's hand was in the door frame and she lost part of her finger. She still managed to claim it wasn't his fault FFS.

I feel sorry for you and your daughter.

I have to be honest I feel like a fraud reading your replies. I don't see myself as being in an abusive relationship I just feel DH might react sometimes badly to stress. It's never my stuff (I don't think) he breaks, it's usually his. He isn't menacing or spiteful, it's just like he needs to get the stress out of his system. I'm wondering if a punch bag at home might help - at least he could go to there and punch a bit to get it out of his system

DH has no friends but it's not because people don't like him, it's as he admits he doesn't feel the need to socialise with others and is happy alone he's quite boring maybe . He will be polite and chat to my family and friends when required but he would never go out and meet someone for fun IYKWIM. I think it's as he hasn't really had many friends which is why he doesn't know how to behave emotionally with me. Maybe at home growing up he didn't have the best role model and he knows nothing else. Not standing up for him here but trying to explain where he is coming from.

He´s an adult but takes his moods out on you & your daughter-who he shouted at so much that it scared you-isn´t that abusive?

it's just like he needs to get the stress out of his system.

Yes, but this "need" interferes with you and your DD's emotional wellbeing.
What about your needs? Who will watch out for them, since he refuses to?

I'm wondering if a punch bag at home might help - at least he could go to there and punch a bit to get it out of his system

He has two real live ones. For verbal and emotional battering. Suits him fine.
But is it the role that you are happy for you and DD to continue playing?

Do you know what strikes me? It's easy to be nice when everything's hunky dory. When there's stress and you are experiencing difficulties like child-rearing. tiredness, and illness, that's when you get the measure of a person.

And he is simply not measuring up - not supporting you. I do understand how hard that must be to hear - there may well be reasosn why he's like this that, up til now he hasn't had to face and he hasn't had to change. BUT HE NEEDS TO NOW.

It does sound as if he has problems, but it sounds as if you are bearing the brunt of them. That thing about high standards of behaviour for yourself, yet not holding him to account (ElephantsandMiasma says it above) , sounds exactly right to me. If you carry on along this road, you will continue to feel frsutrated, demralised, depressed because you will blame yourself, or modify your behaviour to prevent his outbursts.

frustrated, demoralised

Toddlers use their parents as emotional punchbags, and they need to, to some extent. But he is a grown man and you are not his mother. Stop feeling sorry for him.