Friend and Money.

[thinkamadoormat]

Am going to sound so pathetic here!

There is a woman at work that I ended up being friendly with - same lunch / break times so got chatting. Not much in common really but still got on. Whenever she is with a new man she is a totally different person and at the moment is all loved up so she doesn't actually speak to me at all (used to go shopping / for lunch / to the pub) outside work and even at work I know that if she speaks to me she is going to ask for something. Makes me sounds like such an awful person but when she asks me how I am or anything about me / my life I am just waiting to see what she wants. She doesn't listen or take in what I am saying but I am expected to remember every detail of what she has told me about her / kids / partner / pets and she gets huffy if I forget.

We both earn the same but she has needed money before - desperately she said - and we agreed a date she would pay it back. It made me a bit uncomfortable but it was asked in such a way that I would have felt really bad saying no if that makes sense. The date kept getting put back and the money was about a month late when I got it back after having to ask for it and being made to feel bad for asking at all. Really bothered me as I don't like conflict.

She asked me a few times after to lend her money and even arranged her finance plans around the assumption that I would lend her money - without even asking me. When I said no she said well you buy books all the time.

She has been asking again this week and I really hate feeling like this!!! She literally has said 2 words to me in the past few weeks but this morning was all friendly - how are you? is that a new top? etc - and then at lunch time said she had a car bill to pay after work and so we would walk past the bank at lunch so I could get the money out. No please or anything!! I said no and now she isn't speaking to me at all. It is really awkward as we work in the same department and we are both adults.

I don't know what to do as the only way to fix it in her eyes is for me to lend her the money (not knowing if or when it will come back) but I don't see why I should.

I sound so pathetic but am sat in tears over this as I really hate conflict and this has been an ongoing drama. I don't see why she can spend all her money on what she wants but when I can't afford to lend her money my spending habits are judged.

I didn't realise that I had written such an essay - if you made it all the way through thank you.

God - just drop her.

And do not lend her the money - she's not a friend at all.

You are not an awful - she is. She sounds like a taker and a bully.

You are doing the right thing by not lending her money. The way you spend your money is not her business, and she is not entitled to what you have earned.

I know it's hard but ignore, ignore, ignore. xx

I try so hard not to discuss it at work even when people have been telling me all afternoon what she is saying about me. It is like she feels entitled to a certain lifestyle but doesn't have the budget to back it up.

Well she's not entitled to your money! Absolutely, just say no!

Just say no and ignore her.

She sounds like she is trying to take advantage of you!

If she's sarky or bitchy with you infront of others, I would totally call her on it.

"Oh are you still not speaking to me as I won't lend you anymore money, what a shame etc."

Seriously ignore her. Stop the tears and move on.

She's probably tried it on with others.

And really why are they telling you what she's saying - thats just stirring.

She is a knob, just say loudly "stop asking me to lend you money" and have nothing more to go with her.

Who the hell does she think she is!

Telling you you will both walk to the bank and you can draw the money out for her?!

Is this the grown up version of knicking your dinner money??

I agree she is a bully.

Please don't feel bad or be upset. If she isn't behaving professionally then report her to your superiors.

Where I used to work there was a very strict policy against borrowing money from colleagues.

If you feel bad about spending your own money, that you earn, on yourself then how about giving some to a charity? (You probably already do; ok, give some more to another charity!) There are a huge number of people in this world in genuine need of the wherewithal to keep themselves alive. This woman at work is not one of them.

But really, you do earn that money and you have every right to buy books - or stuff it down the nearest drain if that is what amuses you. You do not, not, NOT owe it to some chancing colleague.

Do you have children? If you can't stand up for yourself then do it for them. She is essentially mugging you using social pressure to persuade you to go along with her plans. You feel too embarrassed to stand up to her. It seems rude to bluntly refuse. Well you owe her nothing, and she is taking advantage of your polite good nature.
Come on, just think of the Mumsnet Army standing behind you when you say
"I'm not lending you any money" No apologies and no excuses. Just NO!

I would go to my line manager in your position. She is bullying you, by demanding money and then talking about you to your colleagues when you refuse. Would your line manager be sympathetic?

Please don't give into this woman, she is using your niceness against you.

Have a quiet word with your manager. This is bullying at work and any company worth it's salt will have an anti bullying/anti harrassment policy. There may even be a specific policy around borrowing from co workers like a previous poster said. If you've any emails from her showing the behaviour keep them safe & print out a copy for your manager. This woman sounds poisonous and please believe that there is nothing wrong with being upset by this behaviour - it is upsetting and you sound like a decent reasonable person. Your company has a duty of care towards you which covers stuff like this. If she goes on like this she has probably come to the attention of mgt before and this may give them the ammo to deal with her properly.

She is a user. Have to learn to spot & deflect people like that.

I think you should not lend her the money. She is a false friend, and she will soon fall over and you will see.

It is not you, it is her. Watch and see. And hold onto your purse.

What you are saying is, you either give her the money or she stops talking to you. That is not friendship. So what if you have money and she doesn't? Thats because she spends hers differently to you.

Definitely don't lend her the money my love, its really alright not to, and then see what happens after that. There are a million people out there like this one, you are not alone, we all come across them too. x x

Definitely not, just keep saying no and soon enough she will get the hint.
Don't hesitate or show any emotion, straight out NO. She will try and play on any show of vulnerability. You can be strong.

She is a bully.

You say you don't like conflict and that is fair enough but you really have to toughen up here as she is using emotional blackmail against you, ie. giving you the silent treatment when you won't agree to her demands, and this shows a distinct lack of respect on her part.

This woman is not your friend, she is a leech. Get tough with her, show her that you don't care if she is pissed off with you and that you will not be used in this way.

You seriously need to sack this 'friendship' off.

She sounds vile,a sponging bully. And definitely not a friend.

Nasty piece of work!

I agree with the other posters, if anyone asks why you have fallen out tell them she keeps asking you for money. And take solace in the fact that even if other colleagues haven't sussed her quite yet, they will. She will just move on to someone else.

Is it just this one woman who is bullying you, or do you feel that you are being victimised by any of your other colleagues?

Say no. Tell your line manager. Keep a record of her behaviour towards you.

She sounds like a bully. I would make sure I didn't lend her any more money, and I would stop considering her a friend. She isn't.

I think I would also report it to my line manager and ask for a note to go in my HR file in a fair bit of detail, just in case she gets nasty and the whole thing escalates.

Find a few new friends or find a lovely spot to go and read a book at lunchtime, you're too good for her.

How dreadful! This woman is a nightmare and by continually asking you for money and making judgements about how you spend your own money she is being a bully. I would bet that other people see this and are wary of her too. Really do not put up with this. Stand up to her and if she is still causing you problems speak to your manager.

I hadn't thought of it as bullying. I suppose it is though - it is like the world is supposed to arrange itself to suit her best. I don't like to be nasty about anyone but if we are talking she will say something about her life / weekend / partner and then I will say something and she completely disregards it and goes back to talking about herself.

Quite a few of the others at work keep her at a distance. It is weird because she is loud and always seems popular but no one seems to trust her.

Avoiding going out at lunch time with her is hard as we both leave at the same time and if I try to hang about she stands in the doorway with her coat on. Will have to think of a way out of it.

I just feel like if I lend her money I wouldn't get it back and she would expect it again. I can't afford to lose that much money. We both earn the same and I can't just write off £300.

There isn't really anyone for her to move onto which is why I think she stuck to me.