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Original poster

Friend and Money.

62 replies

thinkamadoormat · 18/04/2012 18:01

Am going to sound so pathetic here!

There is a woman at work that I ended up being friendly with - same lunch / break times so got chatting. Not much in common really but still got on. Whenever she is with a new man she is a totally different person and at the moment is all loved up so she doesn't actually speak to me at all (used to go shopping / for lunch / to the pub) outside work and even at work I know that if she speaks to me she is going to ask for something. Makes me sounds like such an awful person but when she asks me how I am or anything about me / my life I am just waiting to see what she wants. She doesn't listen or take in what I am saying but I am expected to remember every detail of what she has told me about her / kids / partner / pets and she gets huffy if I forget.

We both earn the same but she has needed money before - desperately she said - and we agreed a date she would pay it back. It made me a bit uncomfortable but it was asked in such a way that I would have felt really bad saying no if that makes sense. The date kept getting put back and the money was about a month late when I got it back after having to ask for it and being made to feel bad for asking at all. Really bothered me as I don't like conflict.

She asked me a few times after to lend her money and even arranged her finance plans around the assumption that I would lend her money - without even asking me. When I said no she said well you buy books all the time.

She has been asking again this week and I really hate feeling like this!!! She literally has said 2 words to me in the past few weeks but this morning was all friendly - how are you? is that a new top? etc - and then at lunch time said she had a car bill to pay after work and so we would walk past the bank at lunch so I could get the money out. No please or anything!! I said no and now she isn't speaking to me at all. It is really awkward as we work in the same department and we are both adults.

I don't know what to do as the only way to fix it in her eyes is for me to lend her the money (not knowing if or when it will come back) but I don't see why I should.

I sound so pathetic but am sat in tears over this as I really hate conflict and this has been an ongoing drama. I don't see why she can spend all her money on what she wants but when I can't afford to lend her money my spending habits are judged.

I didn't realise that I had written such an essay - if you made it all the way through thank you.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 19/04/2012 07:20

You're still giving reasons why you can't give her the money. The only reason is that you don't want to - you don't have to justify it. She is taking advantage of you, she isn't your friend. Cut her off. Tell her you are not going to lunch with her.

toptramp · 19/04/2012 07:34

Op; tell your line manager. Everyone at work needs to know what a nasty, sponging cowbag this woman is.

toptramp · 19/04/2012 07:35

Oh and don't lend her the money. Who cares if she never speaks to you again. Would you really want to anyway?

Original poster
thinkamadoormat · 19/04/2012 07:40

I don't know why I feel like I need to justify saying no - it is like an automatic thing.

OP posts:
boredandrestless · 19/04/2012 08:09

£300! Shock I was assuming she was asking for say £30, which is still extremely cheeky but £300? OMG!

As is often said on here, "NO" is a complete sentence.

She may seem popular but in reality people are probably just doing the same as you, talking to her or not being able to avoid her, but keeping in mind she in no way resembles a friend.

Is it possible to change you lunch time slightly?
Do you feel like you can approach your manager about this issue?

Original poster
thinkamadoormat · 19/04/2012 08:24

It was £250 last time! It is never small amounts that she needs.

Not sure about the manager - when I write it down it all souinds petty and playground. Ideally it would just not get to that level.

I might just have other plans for lunch for a while.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 19/04/2012 08:30

She has targeted you. You are clearly a nice person, and she has homed in on that. But it's time to stand up to her now. Do any of your colleagues know what's going on?

glastocat · 19/04/2012 08:35

This is not petty or playground at all, this woman is taking advantage of your nice nature. I can't believe she is asking you for so much money, I assumed it was the odd tenner! You really should shame her in front of your colleagues, or if you don't want to do that, speak to your line manager as she is harrassing you.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/04/2012 08:40

Yes, do have other plans! That's your valuable rest and recharge time she's encroaching on.

I may be on a strange idealistic planet here, or been surrounded by a lot of mean people (I'm in the South East, so probably!) but I'm not aware of anyone borrowing nearly that much from a workmate. Family or very close friends, certainly - although that said, I've heard of a couple of friendships that went sour after money changed hands, and funnily enough it tended to be the borrower who stopped speaking to the lender rather than the other way round as you might expect. (Probably in order to deter the borrower from asking for it back.)

So IMO and IME what this woman is asking is not normal and it most certainly is not reasonable. She's got a massive cheek even asking, but then to try to tell you you can afford it because you aren't spending your money on what she thinks you ought to... words fail me, which is rare!

fluffiphlox · 19/04/2012 08:48

I posted further up and I stand by what I said, in addition this is starting to sound like extortion rather than just lend us a tenner. This woman sounds as if she has a screw loose. Tell her to bollocks.

suburbophobe · 19/04/2012 08:54

What the hell gives this woman the right to think you should be funding her lifestyle?!

You don't owe her anything.

She's a vampire! And vile!

Just tell her (to F off) that you've made a decision not to lend anyone money any more. No explanations, discussions. Stand firm by your decision.

Stay cool and polite with her but cut her out of your life.

I found out the hard way that friendship and money (lending) don't mix.

LydiaWickham · 19/04/2012 08:57

Wait, does she currently still owe you money from last time? If so, repeat, "No, I can't afford to give you any more money, I'm still waiting for X amount back that I lent you, when will I get that?"

If she doesn't still owe you money, just say no. If she asks why not, tell her it's none of her business, but you won't be giving her any money no matter what she says so perhaps she should stop embarrassing herself. (OK, bit hard, but she needs it)

Stand firm, don't give her so much as a stamp.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2012 08:58

op she is bullying you

Original poster
thinkamadoormat · 19/04/2012 09:00

She paid the other money back but over a month late.

Repeating to self ..... No No No NO!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2012 09:05

I don't think you should be telling your manager. Stand up for yourself, if she asks for money say "I'm sorry, I'm not able to lend you money". If she still owes you money ask for it back: "I'm sorry, I'm not able to lend you money, and in fact you still owe me £250 from a week last wednesday".
Try to cut ties.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2012 09:07

OP, what the hell is she doing running up car bills that she can't/won't pay - and assuming you'll stump up? What a cheek! Do not let her comment on what you spend your money on - if she does, say "yes that's MY money, from my salary. We bioth get one but I'm not regularly borrowing money"

SundaeGirl · 19/04/2012 09:08

OP, this is worth taking up with your line manager, it's bullying and it is not OK for someone to leave you in tears like this.

I do know what it's like, though. I onced lived with a very powerful character who could reduce me to tears like this even when I was being kind and reasonable to her.

fluffiphlox · 19/04/2012 09:20

If I were your manager, I would want to know about this as it affects 'good order'. Old-fashioned maybe, however, this clown of a woman is bullying you during work and on work premises. (And I still think you should tell her to bollocks)

brighthair · 19/04/2012 09:22

She is a vampire, and no is a complete sentence. You don't need to say anything or explain, just keep saying no. You don't have to fund her lifestyle

Gapants · 19/04/2012 09:27

op I had a "good" friend who basically used me and treated me like a chump. much like your work colleague.

You need to get angry. Get angry with yourself for letting her get to you. Get angry at her bloody cheek. Get so furious that she thinks she can treat people like this! She can't!

Tell her, tell her straight.
"You, me? Not mates any more, this money lending shit? It stops now. Please leave me alone, please stop harrassing me, or I will, and you can make certain of this, I will take it further. This is bullying in the workplace and you are of thin fucking ice." Then sweep past her, go for a brisk walk around the block. Come back to your desk and get busy. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HER again, unless it is work stuff, and NEVER let yourself be alone with her.

She is a parasite. Shame on her.

LydiaWickham · 19/04/2012 09:28

Actually you could go with "Look, last time I lent you money you paid it back a month late, it caused me a lot of problems and so I'm not going to lend you any money again in the future." when she insists that won't happen again, "you said that last time, I don't want to fall out with you, which I will if you keep asking. I'm not going to give you any money no matter what you say."

oldwomaninashoe · 19/04/2012 09:29

If you can possibly manage it (I know it may be difficult) when she is giving you the silent treatment say very loudly "are you still ignoring me because I refused to lend you £300?" so that your colleagues are aware of the situation.

I know exactly how awkward it makes you feel when someone asks to borrow from you and you don't want to lend. Try to bury your kind and generous nature and just get very mad and cross with her,if you can be hard-hearted it will help you to deal with her.

RabidAnchovy · 19/04/2012 09:48

Do not lend her money, and stay away from her

BabeRuthless · 19/04/2012 10:41

If I was you I'd buy a first edition set of leather bound Tolkien books & read them right in front of her. If she questions it, tell her you spend your money on what you damn well please.

She is not your friend. If I had to borrow money from a friend I'd be so contrite & willing to pay it back at the first opportunity. It's good advice about HR, it might well make her back off too.

Original poster
thinkamadoormat · 19/04/2012 11:48

It is weird to me as I would only ask to borrow money as a last resort after cutting out all extras from my budget - not as a top up.

OP posts:
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