Friend and Money.

[thinkamadoormat]

Am going to sound so pathetic here!

There is a woman at work that I ended up being friendly with - same lunch / break times so got chatting. Not much in common really but still got on. Whenever she is with a new man she is a totally different person and at the moment is all loved up so she doesn't actually speak to me at all (used to go shopping / for lunch / to the pub) outside work and even at work I know that if she speaks to me she is going to ask for something. Makes me sounds like such an awful person but when she asks me how I am or anything about me / my life I am just waiting to see what she wants. She doesn't listen or take in what I am saying but I am expected to remember every detail of what she has told me about her / kids / partner / pets and she gets huffy if I forget.

We both earn the same but she has needed money before - desperately she said - and we agreed a date she would pay it back. It made me a bit uncomfortable but it was asked in such a way that I would have felt really bad saying no if that makes sense. The date kept getting put back and the money was about a month late when I got it back after having to ask for it and being made to feel bad for asking at all. Really bothered me as I don't like conflict.

She asked me a few times after to lend her money and even arranged her finance plans around the assumption that I would lend her money - without even asking me. When I said no she said well you buy books all the time.

She has been asking again this week and I really hate feeling like this!!! She literally has said 2 words to me in the past few weeks but this morning was all friendly - how are you? is that a new top? etc - and then at lunch time said she had a car bill to pay after work and so we would walk past the bank at lunch so I could get the money out. No please or anything!! I said no and now she isn't speaking to me at all. It is really awkward as we work in the same department and we are both adults.

I don't know what to do as the only way to fix it in her eyes is for me to lend her the money (not knowing if or when it will come back) but I don't see why I should.

I sound so pathetic but am sat in tears over this as I really hate conflict and this has been an ongoing drama. I don't see why she can spend all her money on what she wants but when I can't afford to lend her money my spending habits are judged.

I didn't realise that I had written such an essay - if you made it all the way through thank you.

Seriously, £300 is a lot of money?
Think about where you will be in a few years time. Will she be a family member or close friend? Or will you have moved on and discovered that she does not so much as send you a Christmas card?

Work out what £300 would mean if you put it into your pension or into your mortgage for the next 20 years. Look at that figure - is she really worth that to you?

Just say no and speak to your manager ASAP.

Whoops that is meant to read: £300 is a lot of money!

EXACTLY! That's normal OP, and she's not, I promise. You borrow from friends when you absolutely need to, and prioritise paying them back!

I really feel for you OP. I have a similar problem with a 'friend'. I don't feel able to say no either. She also feels 'entitled' to a lifestyle she clearly cannot afford. Last time it was 200, time before that 150, time before that 120. The sum is climbing every time she asks. She's already borrowed from other friends and eventually they turned her down, so I guess it's my turn.

She was a month late paying back the last lot, and when she handed it to me she said, "Sorry I'm a bit late, I hope you don't think I was forgetting you, I mean why would I? We both know I'll be needing you again."

FFS!

She's very gossipy and dangerous too. I definitely feel bullied by her and I've been practising different ways of saying 'NO' too. But God, it's not easy, and I really wish she'd just stop bloody asking.

Tell her to stop asking you to lend her money, if she doesn't stop i would approach my manager.

Stop crying. Toughen up. Do not let it bother you that she's not talking to you ? it's not like you'll have lost a real friend. If she does start talking to you again to ask for money, repeat 'I'm not lending you money' as needed.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic, but that is my honest advice. Change your attitude and behaviour towards her.

£300! And paying it back late/commenting on what YOU spend money on/getting in a strop when you don't cough up! You know she's taking the piss.

She is counting on your good manners and fear of conflict. Do not worry about appearing rude or how she might react.

Once she gets the message age will leave you alone.

Your colleagues are probably telling you what she's saying so you wise up to her. You have said they keep her at arms length so they are likely to be wise to her tactics and want to keep you in the loop.
I'm sure no one else is lending out £300 especially when demanded in this way!

My sympathies OP but you do need to face some facts.
Keep in mind - she IS NOT your friend.
She is a bully.
She is not entitled to make YOU justify how YOU spend your OWN money.
Stop feeling you have to.
You are not an awful person for wondering what she wants now.

I'd be tempted to go to the manager/HR and say this is really embarassing but X keeps asking me for money because I refused she is not speaking to me and this is creating an atmosphere in the office.

Think of strategies or what you are going to say if she approaches you again

"Oops I think you made a mistake I work for X company not payday loan"

"have you thought about an overdraft?"

"I'm not a bank, if I was you'd have had a hefty fee last time you were late paying me back"

"NO"

Make a big display of poking your face OMG I must have turned into a rubbery puppet you've mistaken me for Wonga!

you seem very worried bout offending this person - seriously, she's no loss whatsoever. She'so thick-skinned she won't even notice, and if she gets huffy with you, what's the worst she can do? Stand firm, do not give in to her and she's eventually get the message and piss off. Good luck!

actually, offending her so she stops talking to you would only be a good thing!

She sounds dreadful

Op, you sound like you might find it hard to be firm with her? I agree she needs to be told to fuck right off, but if you don't feel able to do that how about going all passive aggressive

So every time you talk to her make sure you have a big smile on your face, when she waits to go for lunch with you say oh I hope you're not waiting for me so you can try and borrow money again? Followed with a tinkly laugh, then lots of little pa comments about how you never realised she was such a scrounger again with a laugh, and gosh isn't it vulgar when people are always demeaning themselves to borrow money. If she pulls you up on any of it laugh and exclaim that you were onlyjoking and goodness can't she take a joke? Just keep laughing at her

I bet it would drive her mental, and she would look ridiculous in front of everyone else

But seriously do not let her bully you any more, she sounds vile and I bet she laughs about what a mug you are to her probably just as vile boyfriend. The test in these situations is simple, would she do it for you? If the answers no she is not your friend you are her target. You sound lovely, you don't have to put up with this surround yourself with people as nice as you are