Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has said he is leaving advice needed.

72 replies

ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 08:41

i am in a state of shock at the moment tbh.

we have a very up and down marraige and its all over stupid things. he works away in the week but when he comes home he expects the house to be like a show home perfect in everyway. we even has a massive row about me being lazy cause i hadnt cleaned the tops of all the skirting boards leaving me on a thurday evening in tears on my hands and knees cleaning. i know this isnt normal. i have two small children to look after all week but he sees this as the easy part, and just piles more work on top.

it came to a head last night where he text saying if i dont change and do things the way he wants he is moving back this old home. i text saying i am doing my best i cant do anymore and he just thinks this us an excuse.

i havent slept and he is not talking to me and turned his phone off.

i would understand if we life in a messy cluttered home. we dont. or if there was another woman involved, there isnt.

sorry for the ramble just need some support really, im meant to have guests later and i cant even think straight.

OP posts:
BIWI · 17/04/2012 08:43

I'm sorry to hear this Sad

But reading your post (and I'm sorry that I don't know any of your back story) I would say that it sounds like the best thing for you, ultimately. This man is a bully and has no love or respect for you.

Let him go and then you can live life the way it should be lived, and stop worrying about stupid nonsense like cleaning skirting boards.

clam · 17/04/2012 08:50

Sounds to me like he'd be doing you a big favour if he did leave, to be brutally honest.
Do you really want to live like this, terrified about what else he's going to find fault with? He's meant to be your husband, not some Victorian slave-driver. If my dh had been stupid enough to comment on the state of our skirting boards, he'd have been laughed out of the room or handed a cloth to do it himself.
But I guess that's not helpful to you; your relationship is clearly very different. But it needn't be. Just think of the nice partner you could move in in his place once you've got over him.

Bucharest · 17/04/2012 08:51

Good lord, help him pack.

He sounds horrendous.

Let him clean his own fucking skirting boards or get some other stepford to do them for him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 17/04/2012 08:54

Sorry but he just wants to be the boss of you, not an equal partner in the relationship.

I bet if you do clean the skirting boards within a couple of months he'll be threatening to leave you over something else.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 17/04/2012 08:55

He should be worshipping the ground you walk on for looking after his kids single handedly all week so that he can focus on his career.

Let him go, he'll never change.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 08:56

the thing is i know he can be a bully, but he wont see it. he has so many issues with family background he is quite twisted person. he has a very warped view on life. he values objects "things" above all else. even over his children and me.

i have tried to make it work but i cant :( i am really panicking i havent worked for three years and have no financial back up. he owns everything.

how do you start again when you have nothing.

OP posts:
BIWI · 17/04/2012 08:59

You don't 'have nothing'. You have an interest in the marital home for a start.

Best thing to do would be to get some advice from a solicitor about what next.

bronze · 17/04/2012 08:59

Are you sure there isn't another woman? It's very much an attack as a defence type reaction

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 17/04/2012 09:00

How old are your kids and are you married?

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 09:00

i have said numerous occasions that he wants a stepford wife and not a real one. he thinks if the house is not perfect that we are dirty and live in a pig sty.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/04/2012 09:01

He sounds awful, and he's lucky he's not married to me!

Scarlett, you don't have nothing- you have 2 lovely children, who he needs to support, and you still have all the skills you had before. I know it must be scary, though.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 09:01

I'm 34 and my dc's are 8 months and 2

OP posts:
BIWI · 17/04/2012 09:01

There's no 'he can be a bully' about it - he is a bully.

He may have 'issues' but that's not your fault and he shouldn't be using them to bully you like this.

clam · 17/04/2012 09:05

Can I ask why you got on your knees late at night and began scrubbing the skirting boards, crying? What were you scared he might do if you didn't?

Bellie · 17/04/2012 09:06

BIWI is right - you don't have 'nothing' you have an interest in all that has been accumulated during your maritial (and if you were together before) life.

My stbexh was very similar to yours. At least you are seeing it. I didn't and he decided that he was not happy with our life and left completely out of the blue.

I saw a solicitor as was completely freaked by the fact that I had nothing. He told me that I did, as I had contributed to the marriage by leaving work to bring up the children - that was as good as any financial contribution. There is also maintenance for the children and for yourself that should be set out for you. Depending on circumstances, you also have a right to a home for your children, what that will be depends on finances though.

We are still working through the financials as it only happened 9 weeks ago, but after the inital days of sobbing on my friends sofa, I am now in a much better place and surviving. It is hard, but I am much calmer in myself as I am not panicking what he will say when he comes home, not having to run around after him and trying to think positively about the future.

Thinking of you and good luck.

Bossybritches22 · 17/04/2012 09:10

Second what the others say but if you can bear it start making plans for leaving or being left.

This is NOT about your "deficiencies" and ALL about his bullying abusive personality. He is an Emotional Abuser look in the "relationships" section for support. here is a good thread going you should read.

Squirrel bits of housekeeping cash away, sounds dishonest but he sounds like the sort of man who would play awkward even if you are entitled to equal shares. You may need a buffer until you get sorted.

Get legal advice & ask about costs, legal aid is being withdrawn shortly but I think you may still qualify. You will be able to claim tax credits & child tax credits or other help depending on your circumstances.

Whatever you do DON'T let him drive you out of the house unless you really are at the end of your tether. Let him leave if he wants to it might be easier.

I hate to say it but men rarely leave without a new bed to go to, prepare yourself for the fact that he is lying about another woman.

Stand up to him-you are not a skivvy, can you get a cleaner to help around the house?

With 2 smalls it's impossible to keep everything pristine & totally unrealsitic.

Good luck lots of advice here, don't feel alone :)

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 09:17

he did say he would pay for the house bills etc and he would live in his other home. thats not really a break is it? he still has control.

he has just called i said i was doing my best and then he comes out with "if you say you clean which you don't we wouldn't be where we are now" aaaarrrggh

OP posts:
Lueji · 17/04/2012 09:17

What a horrible man!

Don't bother replying.

You are definitely better off without him.

Personally, I'd start arranging a solicitor to seek legal advice and change the locks.

In fact, you should be the one saying that he should not go back until he shows he has changed and stops being a bully.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 09:23

bossy if i had extra money that would be easy. i don't. he holds all the money i just have cb and 20 a month tax credits. this is spent on baby food nappies clothes for dc's if i need any extra i have to ask.

my life is a mess it really is. people think our relationship is wonderfully from the outside and it not its twisted and broken.

OP posts:
clam · 17/04/2012 09:25

You are handing over your own power by attempting to defend yourself with "but I'm doing my best." I would refuse to engage with him on the subject. How about turning it back on him and suggesting to him that he seems to have a problem. Might he be OCD?
I'll ask again, are you scared of him? Is that why you do try to do as he says?

clam · 17/04/2012 09:26

You have to ask him for money? That's intolerable.

mummytime · 17/04/2012 09:27

Go to CAB and a lawyer (they will normally give you 1/2 hour free advice), Women's aid is another good source of advice.
You can get out, you can get money, you can survive without him. In fact you can live without him.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 17/04/2012 09:40

GEt yourself some proper advice CAB and a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to. Emotional Abuse and bullying from your husband isnt on.

Smum99 · 17/04/2012 09:40

Oh love, he sounds horrible. I know it's scary you have 2 very young children but stand up to him, tell him to leave. You will manage lots of single parents do. Do you have family nearby? I think you need to share this with someone close?

Don't feel shame for sharing the problems, people will understand.Your H is being completely unreasonable, the cleaning of skirting boards is just his way to get at you. This man wants to leave but is looking for a reason to blame you.

paulrn · 17/04/2012 09:50

Sorry had to join in. I used to work away all week and when I got home I was so delighted to be there that I am not even sure we had skirting boards, and as I was away all finance except my pocket money was with DP. If he goes take a deep breath and enjoy your life.