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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has said he is leaving advice needed.

72 replies

ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 08:41

i am in a state of shock at the moment tbh.

we have a very up and down marraige and its all over stupid things. he works away in the week but when he comes home he expects the house to be like a show home perfect in everyway. we even has a massive row about me being lazy cause i hadnt cleaned the tops of all the skirting boards leaving me on a thurday evening in tears on my hands and knees cleaning. i know this isnt normal. i have two small children to look after all week but he sees this as the easy part, and just piles more work on top.

it came to a head last night where he text saying if i dont change and do things the way he wants he is moving back this old home. i text saying i am doing my best i cant do anymore and he just thinks this us an excuse.

i havent slept and he is not talking to me and turned his phone off.

i would understand if we life in a messy cluttered home. we dont. or if there was another woman involved, there isnt.

sorry for the ramble just need some support really, im meant to have guests later and i cant even think straight.

OP posts:
Spero · 17/04/2012 09:51

Sorry, this sounds awful. But what everyone else said.

I would assume the marriage is over and make an immediate appointment with a solicitor. You can sort out interim maintenance whilst sorting out other financial issues etc. You should be entitled to at least a share of his pension and the house as I assume your earning capacity will be quite low for at least the next five years.

If he is going to realise he is being a a nasty arse and a bullly then great, he can beg for your forgiveness and pay for a cleaner to get house up to his standards.

But somehow I don't think someone who bullies you into cleaning skirting boards is ever going to change - certainly not for the better anyway.

I am a bit OCD about housework but even I only dust my skirting boards about once a month!

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 09:55

clam i thing there are ocd issues there. he won't acknowledge that its him who had the issue not me. im not scared of his although he takes my phone off me as its technically his and takes the car keys.car is in his name. i can't let this happen what happens if i need to make a 999 call or get somewhere quick. i have been stupid really to let it get to this.

OP posts:
knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 17/04/2012 09:56

Honestly? tell him to fuck off to his old home, he is a class A twunt. If he wants the house to his standards he should do it himself. what bothers me most is his threat to leave if you don't do as he asks. Angry Sad

You are not his maid.

solidgoldbrass · 17/04/2012 09:56

No love tell him the marriage is over, you are ending it because you will not remain married to an abusive arsehole like him. HE is the one in the wrong here, he's a woman-hating bully. You will be entitled to a share of the marital assets and maintenance for the children. If you are frightened he will physically attack you (because, guess what? If you stay with him, he will start hitting you if he hasn't already. This man doesn't consider you a human being at all) ou can call the police DV unit and let them know that you are ending an abusive relationship and concerned for your safety.
Best of luck. YOur life will be so much better once you have got him as far out of it as you can (he will be entitled to contact with DC but if he can't be civil to you, this can be arranged by a third party).

solidgoldbrass · 17/04/2012 09:58

OK, you need to contact WA and the DV unit now this man is abusive and he is dangerous. Men like this often attack violently when they realise that the woman is about to stand up to them and leave.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 09:58

in his workday skirting boards are to be dine twice weekly when the hoovering is done. like i said ocd.

OP posts:
knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 17/04/2012 10:00

That worries me SGB. Sad

knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 17/04/2012 10:00

Has he been violent in the past op?

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 17/04/2012 10:01

Oh Scarlett. I feel so sad for you. This man has tricked you into thinking you can't manage without you and he is abusing you when your baby is only 8 months old.

You can manage SO much better thaan you think...of course you can. He will see you soon....coping and happy...yes...VERY happy because you're being bullied horribly at the moment!

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 10:01

i won't get any police involved there is no need. couldn't mate ss getting involved and they would if i did.

OP posts:
Spero · 17/04/2012 10:03

Sorry, he is definitely not normal. Even my mum, from whom I inherited a tiny fraction of my OCD about housework only does hers once a week. But it isn't really skirting boards is it? It's another way of having power over you. If you sorted out the skirting boards, it would be something else.

Please make an appointment today to see a solicitor, if he already has another house, you could have a strong argument for staying in the house at least until the children are adults.

Spero · 17/04/2012 10:05

Fwiw I dont think men like this inevitably tip into physical violence. But if there is any suggestion of it, any pushing or shoving etc, please do call the police.

pictish · 17/04/2012 10:05

Right. If he's that fucking bothered about the damn skirting boards he can pay a cleaner to come in and do them can't he?

I know he won't. That is because this is not about cleaning or the fucking skirting boards....this is about control.
He thinks he is perectly entitled to treat you like a member of staff. He thinks that when his orders are not heeded, he can threaten you with the sack.

Personally, I'd let him trot right on.

Original poster
ScarlettAlexandra · 17/04/2012 10:07

its not me leaving sgb it's him. i don't think he is a danger at all a manipulative prick yes nothing more.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 17/04/2012 10:11

OK, well that's good, if he's gone, dance for joy and see a solicitor. This man has no respect for you at all, so you owe him none. There is no point trying to 'improve' a relationship with a man who sees you as a 'woman' ie something between domestic appliance and domestic animal - you just get rid.

Notwinkletoes · 17/04/2012 10:12

Scarlett, so sorry you're going through this. It sounds much more like issues about control rather than OCD to me. If it wasn't the skirting boards or cleaning it would be other things (money, your phone/who you contact). It sounds like if you think it's OCD it's not his fault. It is bullying and controlling and it is his fault.

If you want out, him going to his other home (and yes, controlling all the finances) might be a good start to give you the space to a) realise how much easier life is when you're not worrying what he'll find fault with next and b) get legal advice and sort out maintenance. You can think about a divorce and assets further down the line.

Take care, though. Classically, men who behave like him can become very angry if their partner starts to take control..

kmdwestyorks · 17/04/2012 10:13

OP, taking your car and phone no matter who pays for them is not safe. It is controlling and meant to keep you and your children imprisoned.

threatening to leave up you don't come up to scratch is controlling

I thought SGB was being a bit too scary until i've thought about it. THis is not a man i would trust near my own children i have to admit. I don't think he is going to like it if you stand up to him becasue he isn't going to like the world knowing you have made a choice that isn't him.

i think you know what you need to do and no one here is saying that it's going to be easy

Are the guests friends you can confide and trust to help you for the next few hours?

If not are there are any of your friends you can get round. one with a man you can depend on? Your DH sounds like a man who will behave very differently if there is another man in the room providing said male is already linked to another female ( and i say this expecting that he has slowly demolished all your independant friendships which should be another clear sign you need to get out)

pictish · 17/04/2012 10:18

It's not OCD. It's being a cunt.

If it was OCD he'd clean the skirting boards himself. People with OCD do not typically delegate their obsessions to their spouses as though they are staff. Cunts do.

RabidAnchovy · 17/04/2012 10:18

Tell him to hire a fucking cleaner
Dickhead that he is

boringnickname · 17/04/2012 10:22

Get thee to a solicitor and fast, he stood over you while you were weeping cleaning the skirting boards? Id have smashed his fucking face in - seriously, and i NEVER say this, i always try and see the other side, but this man is dangerous, controlling bully, i agree wholeheartedly with solidgold - this is a time bomb waiting to explode. Get him out of your life and out of your children's lives before its too late.

SirSugar · 17/04/2012 10:24

How would you feel OP if your daughter or sister was being treated like you are. You would be angry and want to get them out. Get angry on your own behalf and 'kick his arse'

I was married to an abusive idiot, then he died and my life is free of nonsense.

Lawyer up sweetie. You are married. He will have to pay.

AgathaFusty · 17/04/2012 10:34

You are entitled to a free half hour with a family law solicitor - you really need this as soon as possible. You will more than likely be entitled to more than half when you split, since you will be raising your children. Please get your children away from this horrible oppressive life, before they become permanently damaged by him.

Women's Aid too, even if just to talk this over with someone who will validate that you have done nothing wrong and give you advice on how to move forward.

Do you have any family/friends who can give you support?

AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 10:43

who does this Little Fucking Hitler think he is ?

have a cup of tea while he packs his bags and give him a cheery wave

see a solictor and get the finances sorted

no man ever left because of dusty skirting boards, there is probably OW

if not, the man is still an abusive and inadequate partner and father so it's best he goes

then when he comes crawling back (he will), tell him you have moved on

mummytime · 17/04/2012 10:44

If he had OCD as someone else said he would clean the skirting boards himself. He would have to, and possibly more than once, and if the phone went after he'd got half way he'd have to start again. People with OCD can't delegate.

He is abusive. What do you think SS would do if they did get involved? Do you neglect your kids (I mean not feed them, not give them any love, not clean them even if covered in poo)? Are you in an alcoholic haze for most of the day? Do you beat them? SS do not even always act when those questions are answered with a yes.

He has really done an act on you. It maybe that if he does hurt you, SS will say you have to get rid of him or they will take the kids, but if you are getting rid of him they will at the most support you.

Please phone women's aid!

NettleTea · 17/04/2012 10:47

this is so far from normal that it is scary. It is also very scary that you seem to think it is OK, and that you can sort it out by trying harder. I suggest reading Why Does he Do that by Lundy Bancroft, I think you will find him in there and understand that he is a controlling bully, not a poor man at the mercy of his bad upbringing and OCD.

Did he treat you like this before you became a SAHM and reliant on you.

You also dont seem to understand the concept that everything in the marriage belongs to both of you. That contact you signed means that there is no 'his car/his phone' no 'technically his' irrespective of who's name is on it. It all belongs to both of you equally. The house. The phones. the cars. All the money. The CB and tax credits belong to him as much as his wages belong to you.

And you are right - if he leaves and goes to his other house (which may be 'technically' half yours too) and pays bills on your home, that is still control. Better you split up, you get financial independance, and take care of your own bills. Also if he has another home it may turn out that you get the family home. Get yourself to a solicitor and CAB and find out where you stand. Get copies of all paperwork - all bank accounts/savings, mortgage, details of any property owned, and make sure you do this BEFORE you mention that you want him to go, or you may find he moves the money or spends it, especially given that you say 'things' are the most impirtant to him.

He is a nasty bully and the sooner rid the better. You cannot fix this or make this right by trying harder. but you can make it better by taking control and trying harder to protect yourself and your children.

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