he has said he is leaving advice needed.

[ScarlettAlexandra]

i am in a state of shock at the moment tbh.

we have a very up and down marraige and its all over stupid things. he works away in the week but when he comes home he expects the house to be like a show home perfect in everyway. we even has a massive row about me being lazy cause i hadnt cleaned the tops of all the skirting boards leaving me on a thurday evening in tears on my hands and knees cleaning. i know this isnt normal. i have two small children to look after all week but he sees this as the easy part, and just piles more work on top.

it came to a head last night where he text saying if i dont change and do things the way he wants he is moving back this old home. i text saying i am doing my best i cant do anymore and he just thinks this us an excuse.

i havent slept and he is not talking to me and turned his phone off.

i would understand if we life in a messy cluttered home. we dont. or if there was another woman involved, there isnt.

sorry for the ramble just need some support really, im meant to have guests later and i cant even think straight.

having read what sgb said about when he realises you are standing up to him, I think it will go one of 2 ways

1. he will step up to physically abusing you

2 ) he will become a broken, snotty, snivelling wreck who cannot live without you and make empty promises to "change"

both of those scenarios are dangerous to you, the first one being immediately so, so I second the advice to get RL help and support for your safety

the second one you will have to make a very concentrated and coordinated effort to resist, because he will destroy you in the end, albeit more slowly

He takes your phone off you? And your car keys? And you have to ask for money.
This is very serious, and so much more so than skirting boards.
Let him go and be VERY glad.

He will get a big shock if you say "Ok then I agree...off you fuck!"
He will be expecting you to step up the housework and the servility to prove you are worthy. His threat is to make you try harder to please him, thus tightening the control he feels entitled to have over you.

OP - nothing you do will ever make him happy. Once the skirting boards are cleaned twice weekly, he'll want the windows doing...or whatever else he reckons will keep you subservient and on edge, waiting for his next order.

It's no life. No life at all. There isn't a man on this planet that is worth being miserable for. Not one!
Especially not this piece of crap.

i don't ever neglect my children. please don't think that they ate treated like a prince and princess as they should.

i don't drink or smoke i have a really clean living life. i have people coming over later so will start to sort things then.

i feel like a really bad person for letting it get to this i adore my kids but how could i have had them with a dad like this.

you can make a change and you can make them a better life.

You're not a bad person or a weak person. Things happen. You tried to make it work and you didn't run away. Admitting it hasn't worked and the time has come for moving on is a GOOD thing.

No one can say you didn't try hard enough and when you do move on no one will be able to say you allowed yourself to remain a victim

You have to beleive you are strong and you can and will be a great role model for your children.

Because i daresay he wasn't like this when you first met him! I am sure your children are looked after wonderfully, you sound like a great mum, but now you have a big challenge, for the sake of your children you have to get this man away - he will do the same to them, he will trample their self esteem the way he has done yours and they will be unhappy. You have the power to stop that, you have been strong enough to put up with this prick for long enough - now is the time to move on. Good luck, its oing to be tough but there is so much support here, listen to the excellent advice on this thread and i repeat, see a solicitor as soon as you are able.

Dont feel bad. These types of men have a way of getting you to a place where you wouldnt even be able to recognise how you got there. Shame is part of their currency - once they have started to exert their power and you have succumbed, they live safe in the knowledge that you would be too embarrassed to admit how yo are being treated and what you have allowed him to get away with. Its common practice, and if you popped over to [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8 this thread] you will find many many women who will identify with this.
And I totally believe that your kids are treated very very well. If it is any help, I left my abusive relationship when my little girl was 2, she gave me the push to go as i thought about what I wanted for her future - what messages or influence did I want her to have when forming relationships of her own. I couldnt bear to think of her believing that the way we lived was normal, to have to put up with what I had put up with. I had loved my ex, but I loved my daughter far far more, and for her sake I found the strength to end things.

And dont listen to any family members who say that you should try to stick things out / work it out for the sake of your marriage.

Marriage is supposed to be a supportive contract of love, not a prison sentance.

Anyone who hears what you have to say about how he behaves and doesnt tell you to get safe and away from him obviously has some serious issues themselves.

try calling Women's aid, or ring respect, they are fab and can tell you how to handle what will come next, and alert you to the manipulation tricks he will attempt to bring you back under control, so that you will be able to see that he is following a well worn script. When you are able to detach and listen to the things he says, and relate them to the patterns you will be told he will say, it puts the power back into your own hands, and makes you less vulnerable to being sucked back in. Thats why I recommended the Lundy Book.

He will know what it is that you secretly yearn for, what your deepest wishes and desires for the relationship are, and he will use those to hook you into believing that he is willing to change. But, like the way he has taken control of your life and changed you into how you are now, it is all about control, and not genuine. The usual pattern is tears, sorrow, apologies, promises, threats, anger and terrorising. Oh, and threatening to take the kids away. And blame. and suggestions that you might be mentally unwell (maybe PND).

try again

Of course you aren't a bad mother, they don't need to be treated like a Prince or Princess (even if they were royalty), they need to be treated as kids, and loved.

Please get yourself real life help.

I beleive you are a good mother

he is a bad partner, and a bad father to treat the dc's mother like nothing better than a domestic slave

Remember that people like this specialise in sapping your self confidence and self esteem, making it seem like you are the one at fault.

You are not the one in the wrong here.

I think everyone on this thread is speaking with one voice, you cannot live like this, and don't worry about your children -they will be happy if they see their mum happy and relaxed and away from this.

He is not normal.

thank you nettle i'll have a look.

And when you pack his bag for him, be sure to add a variety of cleaning products so he clean his own skirting boards in the future.

I was thinking about this thread and what would happen if my DH came home and said the skirting boards hadnt been dusted. Apart from the fact he would have to have noticed we do have skirting boards, I would piss myself laughing, then tell him to piss off.

I have 2 children, 2 large breed dogs and wooden floors. Dust on my skirting boards is the least of my worries! Takes me all my time to keep the floors clean, mud and hair free.

Your husband is not normal, treating you like a skivvy is not how a marriage works.

I was just wondering who will do his cleaning when he is on his own??
I agree this is more than about "cleaning" the OP is being completely controlled, and am also worried that he will turn nasty if and when she stands up to him!

Please get some legal advice OP, and confide in someone close to you, you need some support close by.

Can you pinpoint when he changed? Or was it a gradual thing? I've seen the analogy on here of a frog in boiling water. If you dropped one straight in, it would jump right out; whereas of you put one in room-temperature water and gradually and slowly increased the heat, they'd be less likely to notice what was happening and stay for longer.

Sounds like you need to get angry. He is not your boss, and not omnipotent. You are an adult living in the 21st century in, presumably, the UK, where women have rights. Exert them.

You sound like a super mum - looking after small kids is hard, and has broken many a very strong woman.

Have a drink and a fag - or whatever you like!

Just please get rid of this abusing bastard.

It isn't about the cleaning it is about him being in control. He sees you as a second class citizen that he has every right to boss around. if it was about cleaning then he would just hire a cleaner or do it himself.

If it helps illustrate my point - My DH has OCD and struggles with the house not being tidy and clean, which it often is with two small children and his slob of a wife. But it is his problem not mine and nor would he seek to make it my problem. I try to ensure the room he walks into first is tidy by the time he gets home but that is because I choose to, to help him (and so he doesn't send three hours cleaning the house every night) not because he demands it. He is trying very hard to deal with what are solely HIS issues.

I also worry that you have no access to you family's money(nor do you seem to see it as joint money). Please find someone in real life you can talk to.

Does he have any good points? Why did you marry him for instance?

My DH is more likely to ask me why on earth I bothered with the skirting boards, rather than try to make me feel like a failure and to blame for marriage problems because there was a few specks of dust on them. OP, this isn't normal and he isn't normal. Your children need love and protection, not this bastard who bullies their mother over total bullshit. It sounds to me a bit like part of you feels you have to stay to get him to understand why he's wrong and to make him change, but he won't. The real him is this bully you're seeing now, the nice man you fell for was a facade and no-one can keep a facade up forever, hence him being like this, showing his true colours. I feel for you, OP, I really do.

My love. You can't live like this. For the sake of your DC, let this man go and keep him out of your life.

Go and get legal advice about benefits (I reckon he will try to control you by 'forgetting' to pay stuff) get advice about divorcing him and division of assets.

Inform yourself, keep yourself safe. Keep HIM OUT.

Trust me, this will get worse if you let him back. MUCH worse.