Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

and how could i forget - expecting sexual contact after he tore strips off me during arguments. urgh i want to vomit.

i think he thought about make up sex - just didt understand that you have to apologise or reconcile or admit you were wrong for that to occur. actually thats the point - they werent really arguments they were just attacks.

Oh and as for apologies. I got them.
Seeing as he continued gaily on, they were worth shit.

and lastly, for now - being so completely off the mark with my male friends and if i fancied them/was having an affair!!! so wrong it makes me laugh. but then thats because he didnt understand platonic friendships with the opposite sex.

iahd during my marriage, platonic friendships with 4 or 5 men who were close and meant a lot to me. now i am single i must be shagging them constantly right? right??? funnily enough they remain close, platonic friends who are relieved i finally got shot of him.

they werent really arguments they were just attacks

That's how I felt too. Powerless to stop them. An argument requires at least one other person to contribute. Being verbally slain is not "having an argument".
He thought it was.

Can't stop, remembering how every trip out was ruined by his childish whines and moods. Actually, that's being unfair to children since they usually only spend parts of the day cranky.

'I need a drink' (5mins from home), I need the loo (cue lots of traipsing around to find one of those), i'm cold/too hot, the wind is hurting my ears, I'm hungry, I want a souvenir, I can't find the souvenir I want (sulk), everything is too expensive, I'm bored and the piece de resistance on our last ever day out together 'the castle wasn't 'castley' enough.

Actually, I'm going to award us all a special medal for not bludgeoning these idiots in their sleep

making needing to leave the house at a certain tine so stressful it nearly gave me a heart attack. we used to go to x lesson with the dc - it was essential to leave 40 minutes prior because the traffic was so bad at that time of day. went on my own - only last the first time - went with exp who thought he could magically travel quicker through 3 mile of gridlock - late every fucking time - and it wasn't like i carefully, gently told him - because god forbid i lost my rag and snapped - that wold result in a row and him saying -oh dc doesnt even need to go we can take htme later' to a lesson id paid for.

blood boiling

he had toilet issues too - what is fecking wrong with these men?

he had a nice family too which i miss desperately :-(

Wow.

This is bring back memories...

...never asked me anything about myself. Never paid for much, never bought me anything, even though he worked and I was a student! He had taken a loan to bail out his ex and her son, was struggling to pay it back and she hurt him so much etc...

Was on the charm offensive with my friends at first, then started saying they didn't like him, was be really, really moody if I saw my friends.

Didn't like me texting, calling anyone. Checked my phone endlessly.

Was a pathological liar. Left me in nightclubs etc to make my own way home.

Would make plans with me, then cancel 10 mins before, so I had to do plans alone (house sit, babysit etc) and he could go out and shag lots of other people, knowing I couldn't go out.

Threatened to kill himself - whiskey and painkillers.

Had a very strage relatiomship with his mother - looking back with hindsight, it was very wierd indeed.

Ex was a psycho etc (i now know he nearly killed the poor girl).

Turned up at 7am with thin excuses if I ever (rarely) went out without him, to check I was alone.

Went mad if my brother phoned. My (lovely) dog didn't like him - dog had more sense than me! Thought my family were against him...never stopped touching me (posessively) if they were around.

When i found out he cheated and tried to end it, he would text me between 60-100 times a day, ask me to marry him etc even though I knew he'd shagged someone else that weekend because a trusted friend told me!

The list goes on......

Now have an amazing hubby who is a partner and best friend and wants nothing but the best for me and us. I thank god for him everyday...x

Apologies for the horrendous typos!

Car journeys were hell. I had to sit in silence, because virtually anything I said would create a row. Once he threw me out of the car - physically got out, opened my door, dragged me out, drove off - because I didn't want him to drive so fast (80 miles an hour in an urban 40 zone ) an politely suggested he slow down. Arsehole.

I think the very worst, most crushing thing of all, was the casual rudeness. The overall lack of respect for me. The mind games, the rage, the selfishness...none of it seemed to wound me as much as the insidious offhand abuse.
He spoke to me like I was dirt, as a matter of course. If I complained, it was the green light to gleefully escalate the situation because I had "started it".
I was pretty much forced to endure his total disregard for my feelings, on a daily basis.
I hated us both.

He spent about two years playing hardcore dance music at top volume in the car at all times. The windows would be shaking and I would not be able to think. Conversation was impossible.
He was the driver, so he got to choose the tunes, and he'd have it at whatever volume he liked because I was not in fucking charge, ok?

Just one of his nasty little mind games.

This thread is very cathartic for me.

Me, too@Melody (cathartic)

The worst aspect of all of this for me was the Jekhyll and Hyde-ness. Ex treated me like a queen in front of people and couldn't do enough for me, but as soon as were were alone he was foul - moody, disrespectful, aggressive.

Towards the end of our relationship, he ditched the J&H act - obviously couldn't be arsed to keep it up any more - and it was not long after that I left him. I guess suddenly I saw him through other eyes, and they all seemed scared of him and thought he was a nutter, too, so it mad me realise I was totally justified and sane, and not the mad woman he made out I was.

Yep, toilet issues with mine too. He'd delay leaving the house till last possible minute (making us perennially late for everything) by suddenly deciding he needed the loo.

Also he hated being at the theatre or anywhere you couldn't easily get out to go to the loo.

Would lecture me on a subject he knew I wasn't remotely interested in, for prolonged periods while fixing me with wide eyed stare so I couldn't look away.
Any attempts to politely extricate myself would result in being punished.

Another one.

I am truly shocked at the awfulness endured on a daily basis that's courageously shared here!

Makes me feel (almost) unreasonable sharing my comparatively mild stories.

Mind you, haven't started on twat no 1 yet :)

I did and still do love to make someone's life easier and happier and oh, how I lap up the slightest bit of praise.

Kept me hooked in for so long - any slight flicker that i'd made him even slightly happier/done something right (rare) validated that I was on the right track and if I only kept plugging away, one day he'd wake up and tell me he'd have never made it without my endless patience, love, money etc. and turn into the content person I wanted him to be.

Now, if I can only transfer that dogged determination to me and my own life.....

Never got ready to leave for anything until we were supposed to actually be there! Enjoyed watching me get increasingly anxious, but being too scared to challenge him.

Fun and games, fun and games.

People pleasing, never self pleasing. That's my problem!

Making me apologise for perceived past misdemeanours, again and again and again.
"I'll never forget that time you (insert trivial matter here) - that still sticks in my throat. Is it any wonder I'm fucking pissed off?!"

Sorry sorry sorry.

...still sticks in my throat...yeah, right, the idiot!

It's a wonder any of us had any function left in our throats, what with the all crap we had to stuff down them and never mention...

Indeed. FFS.

Not letting me work. All I wanted to do was be a nurse FFS.

Smiling and laughing with everyone else, as soon as he looked at me he'd look angry.

He never told me jokes but would tell jokes to everyone else.

During the first few years when I worked, he would insist we go halves for everything, even though he earned 5 times my salary.

mags I can relate to bring pushed out of a car, my exH pulled up at our destination and as I opened the door he pushed me out and I ended up on my hands and knees on the street, it was my birthday!

[sad]@Susie

Melody - I also had to apologise constantly for 'terrible things I had done'.

My worst crime ever was smoking a fag when he was out (he found the butt in the bin, wouldnt you know) and I was supposed to be giving up (I didn't actually want to give up at that time, but he had decided that despite the fact he smoked 30 a day and banged coke like Tony Montana, I had to give up for my 'health and looks' ).

He made out I had murdered his firstborn child. Honestly. never lived it down. I found a girl's g-string that wasn't mine under the bed after I had been away for the weekend visiting a sick relative. Guess what? i had no right to berate him for shagging out on me, as I lied about smoking