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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

999 replies

ParsleyTheLioness · 16/04/2012 21:13

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

OP posts:
MelodyParadise · 23/04/2012 14:12

Here goes.....

I was not allowed to disagree with him or have my own opinion. He took that as a betrayal of his intellectual largess, and evidence of my stupidity.

I was not allowed to express anger or unhappiness, even to a very mild degree. He was of course entirely entitled to be as angry and unhappy as he liked. Whenever he liked. His anger was justified, mine was an outrage.

Any attempt I made to defend myself against his verbal onslaughts was "starting an argument".

He gave me the slient treatment until I was begging him to talk to me and apologising for whatever it was I had supposedly done wrong to upset him in the first place. This was usually over extremely trivial matters.

He called me names.

He swore at me all the time, casually and aggressively.

He was totally dismissive of hurting my feelings. If I brought up the rude way he spoke to me in general and how low it made me feel, I was "overreacting" or "starting an argument".

He always had to be right.

He would kick off if I spoke to other people for any length of time at social occasions, as I was "ignoring" him. He was very shy, so it was my responsibility to babysit him whenever we left the house.

Wouldn't let me read...a pastime I have always enjoyed. If I was reading, I wasn't paying attention to him and that was unacceptable.

Ditto tv.

Conversely, ignored me for hours in favour of computer games. When he got fed up with them, I was expected to drop whatever I was doing and entertain him.

Stopped me from sleeping. Would start arguments late at night in bed, and keep me awake all night. If I dropped off through sheer exhaustion, would swear aggressively in my ear to wake me up.

Had low self esteem and lived in a perpetual self pity party for one. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll go and eat worms. Manipulated me into feeling sorry for him all the time.

Spoke to me like shit in front of my mother.

Made me feel obliged to have sex with him. Sulked if he didn't get it. Treated me like shit then expected to have his cock sucked. Blamed my reluctance to have sex with him, for his bad behaviour.
It was the other way round.

Projected his own flaws on to me - told me I was controlling, unloving and selfish all the time. I am none of those things.

Smashed up a couple of belongings that he knew had great sentimental value for me.

Would not be inconvenienced in even the most trivial way. If I asked him to pick up milk on the way home, he would react as though I had asked him to milk the bloody cow himself! Any requests for help were met with "you are NOT in charge!" and "stop telling me what to do!!" and were viewed as a good opportunity to start a row. Of course, I stopped asking anything of him in the end. So it worked.

Wouldn't allow me to walk away from a confrontation. "Why are you IGNORING me?!" If he wanted a row he was going to get it, come hell or high water.

Was able to turn any situation that aggravated or upset him and led to him behaving badly, into somehow being my fault. Even if I was nowhere near at the time, it would be the result of something I had done earlier, or the day before. His capacity for twisting things so they were my fault, was bordering on genius.

Enjoyed having me obey seemingly good natured orders. Would beckon me over to the computer to look at something, then as soon as my bum hit my own seat again, would beckon me back again, and again, and again. When I eventually said no, I don't want to come and look, would launch into what a miserable and humourless cow I was. Mind games like this were constant and varied. He liked having the power to make me scuttle about for him. The fear of the row that would ensue if I did not, made it easy for him to taunt me this way.

He didn't have a single good thing to say for anyone or anything. He carped, moaned, and spewed contempt for everything. I was expected to dislike everything too. If I didn't agree with him, it was because I was feeble minded and easily pleased.

He made constant allusions to my stupidity, but often wrote it off as "didn't mean it" or "just a joke".

He would mumble or speak in a whisper, then get angry when I asked him to repeat himself, because (according to him) that just showed how little I cared about what he had to say. If I didn't catch it first time, I would be punished.

He was constantly rude and disrespectful in his manner towards me, but if I dared snap back at him, I would be lectured for two hours about my unloving behaviour and made to apologise for my audacity.

He sabotaged every trip out, or holiday with his sour face and short temper.

Had frequent outbursts of shouting, swearing, slamming/throwing/thumping/kicking, which I was just to shrug off and ignore as he wasn't directing them at me.

No doubt I will think of plenty more.

PillarBoxRedRoses · 23/04/2012 14:33

Melody to your last point. YES! mine always expected me to just not care about frequent violent, angry outbursts when they weren't directed at me. Even if he broke stuff. I had no right to be intimidated by it.

MelodyParadise · 23/04/2012 14:35

"Why are you scared ffs?!"
"I'm not angry at YOU!"
"Just ignore it!!"
"Oh get a GRIP!"

etc etc

MelodyParadise · 23/04/2012 14:39

He told me he loved me all the time.
But he treated me like he hated me.

KirstyWirsty · 23/04/2012 14:39

Hi Melody so much of that rang true for me

Me and DD went on a trup at Easter and it was such a relief knowing that there weren't going to be any moods or tantrums! :)

MelodyParadise · 23/04/2012 14:55

Accused me of fancying blokes I just fucking didn't.

Never seemed satisfied until I was crying, and would crow "what are you crying for?!" as though I was the one with the problem!

Refused to take responsibility for anything he couldn't be bothered with.

Would leave organising anything and everything up to me, then complain that whatever I had done was crap and wrong. This included coming up with ideas for nights out or holidays - he never contributed a single thought of his own...just poured scorn on mine.

KirstyWirsty · 23/04/2012 15:01

Would leave organising anything and everything up to me, then complain that whatever I had done was crap and wrong. This included coming up with ideas for nights out or holidays - he never contributed a single thought of his own...just poured scorn on mine.

Yup!!!

MelodyParadise · 23/04/2012 15:09

If ever a day out or essential shopping trip passed without incident, he would make a point of how "good" he'd been that day, then wait for me to fawn over his marvellous behaviour and agree how wonderful he had been.

A guy who expect praise for not being a complete dick for once, is a BIG RED FLAG!

BibiBlocksberg · 23/04/2012 15:17

"Would leave organising anything and everything up to me, then complain that whatever I had done was crap and wrong. This included coming up with ideas for nights out or holidays - he never contributed a single thought of his own...just poured scorn on mine"

  • used to drive me round the twist that one.

And I got the 'pleasure' of footing the bill for almost every outing and the two holidays we went on. Because he never wanted to go you see, he was just tagging along reluctantly and why should he have to pay for that........

KirstyWirsty · 23/04/2012 15:24

STBXH used to want praise for EVERYTHING ..

He'd make dinner - ask 10 times if I was enjoying it
Mop the floor - leave the bucket and mop out so I'd know it had been done
Ditto anything else - always wanted a medal for doing anything

I did 'nothing' although when he made the aforementioned dinners I did ALL the prep .. chopping veg, opening tins of tomatoes, boiling kettle, rinsing rice etc

MelodyParadise · 23/04/2012 15:39

In the end I totally lost sight of what my opinions were, what I wanted and what my own preferences were, because none of that mattered. I always put him first.
I spent my life walking on eggshells trying not to set him off, and went along with whatever he wanted for an easy life.
Except it wasn't an easy life...it was a frought, stressful, diminishing life where he had to be the priority at all times, yet no matter what lengths I went to, to accomodate him and make it all right for him, he was still miserable and angry all the time. He still accused me of not listening to him, not giving a fuck about him, not loving him.
He was very fond of telling me how shit his life was, but he wasn't interested in doing a single thing for himself that would make a positive change.
As far as he was concerned, his emotional wellbeing was entirely my responsibility, and he found me rather lacking in my duties.

marshmallowpies · 23/04/2012 15:51

Melody & Bibi - mine was the opposite about holidays, he never let me pick anywhere to stay as I was more cash conscious than him & he'd pour scorn on all my choices. So I'd draw up a long list of hotels/cottages etc & ask him to choose. If it didn't turn out well it was still my fault!

After we broke up we argued about this & he admitted he'd never trusted my judgement about anything & basically thought I couldn't be trusted to take a rational decision. I managed to plan & execute several holidays on my own since then with no disasters or crises!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/04/2012 15:51

Melody, I have been cheering at every one of your posts on this thread.

They are very well said, and totally match my experience.

BibiBlocksberg · 23/04/2012 15:57

"As far as he was concerned, his emotional wellbeing was entirely my responsibility, and he found me rather lacking in my duties"

That's hit home quite sharply, well put!

PillarBoxRedRoses · 23/04/2012 16:05

Yes HotDAMN and Bibi, Melody's posts are striking a massive chord with me too. I hope one day I can look back on the relationship I have just left and express what was wrong so eloquently!

susiedaisy · 23/04/2012 16:05

Yyy to treading on eggshells on days out and holidays trying to keep everything on an even keel, it was exhausting Sad

mathanxiety · 23/04/2012 16:18

I want to second what has been said about Melody's posts -- hit the nail on the head so well.

'He was very fond of telling me how shit his life was, but he wasn't interested in doing a single thing for himself that would make a positive change.'
This rang such a bell.
ExH would arrive home ravenous and really, really irritable. He 'wasn't a breakfast person' and would also skip lunch. He really only ate one meal a day and about three pots of strong black coffee. I would get it both barrels if dinner wasn't ready or well under way when he got home. All he had to do was get himself a lunch, or take the time to eat a bowl of cereal, or cut down the coffee to prevent himself from being so hungry. But no, too much to ask that he took care of this for himself.

Lueji · 23/04/2012 16:47

Oh, yes, praise.

As when he wanted praise for finally cleaning the house, even though he was a sahp with only one well behaved school aged child.

Or at the end of sex... Hmm

And asking for stupid favours (like making him coffee, when I wasn't even doing one for myself) the day after a big row when I was still mad at him.
Instead of apologising or even make up.

KirstyWirsty · 23/04/2012 16:53

Lueji Apologising?? What does that mean?? Shock

My STBX would say all sorts of really horrid things and then expect it to be all water under the bridge and he's be all lovey dovey for a while .. never got an apology though! Hmm

HazleNutt · 23/04/2012 17:08

Oh yes, the praise - very early in the relationship my ex told me several times one day, that he had such a surprise for me. Am I looking forward to his surprise? Oh what a marvellous surprise it is!

He had sent me flowers. Well, nice, of course, but he expected me to praise him for the rest of the relationship like he had found a cure for cancer and ended all wars at the same time..

Well guess it was better than demanding that I would be excited over stuff I absolutely did not want, as I wrote earlier.

My lovely DH on the other hand brings me flowers as he knows I like it and "Thank you" is totally sufficient.

BibiBlocksberg · 23/04/2012 17:28

How I used to fuss and fret and think ahead for when he had a day off work/skived off 'sick' - 'now, there's x and y in the fridge and z in the cupboard to go with it, or you can have blah blah blah from the freezer' only to get home to a cranky toddler man who'd been so busy on the playstation he couldn't possibly have fed himself. 'I'm huuuuungry, - err, can I just get in the door and take my coat off 'darling'??

Used to get very arsey when hungry too (pre-dinner tension I used to call it)

This is so cathartic, being able to get the details out - not something that's easy to do in RL as there's only so many stories I feel I can tell people.

HazelNutt - the building up the presents is familiar here too. Came to think of myself as a very ungrateful cow as I jus used to want to go 'oh, FFS' at the built up offerings.

I mean, all well and good having a bit of fun winding the other one up but all day texts and calls to goad me about the wonder of the gift only to find myself looking at a novelty cigarette lighter with googly eyes that was on special at the petrol station

WhippingGirl · 23/04/2012 17:33

yy to most of melody's points - how depressing that they are all such an archetype :-(

i also found the eggshell treading on days out etc utterly exhausting. it was like minding a bratty child and trying to stop them having a tantrum. he had no luck convincing me this was my fault - fat chance - i go on nurmurous outings with other parents which are often chaotic and all the kids together are a handul. sometimes things go wrong, kids have meltdowns, small injuries, blah blah. somehow, amazingly!!! (sarcastic) we still manage to be civil and enjoy eancothers company, come what may. the more i realise this the more i despise exp. what a knob, trying to wreck toddler's days out just to be controlling, what a massive, fucking twat.

meanwhile it irked me so much that he couldnt just get on with things, or life even. i'm v easygoing at home and pragmatic in my humble opinion. i put a load in the machine if the linen basket is full. i do some washing up if theres a pile. i dont get petty about whose turn it is or who created it. i dont really care. houework is something that is just done. this is the opposite of exp. he cant do anything without making a huge deal of it and was particularly fond of using housework to obstruct a day out. just at the last minute he would announce we couldnt go out becasue x room needed cleaning. when i had planned the day out the week before. he needs to get a life. he oculdnt just bung something in the oven for dinner he woud have to bleach the kitchen from floor to ceiling and make a huge task of it and god forbid if i told him to hurry up because i was starving and dc falling asleep. i once asked him to just wipe the sink in the bathroom before gursts came over then come back and help me with putting food out. an hour later i find him scrubbing behind the loo with a toothbrush because it just 'had to be done'. it didn't - he just dreamed up a clever way of stessing me out before a party.

exp cleverly made him doing any useful tasks so bloody stressful for me that i did them all myself in the end - which i suppose was probably his goal. and he had the goal to teasem e in front of family/friends that i was a rubbish housewife.

MelodyParadise · 23/04/2012 17:36

Reasons he felt justified him coming in from work and raging at, goading, bullying and belittling me:

That the traffic was bad on the way home.
That he hadn't had any lunch.
That someone at work had pissed him off.
That I didn't seem pleased enough to see him.

He would appear in the doorway with that set jaw and glassy eyed expression, and I knew from a glance that no matter what I did or said, he was going to find fault and goad me until I snapped. I couldn't walk away as that was ignoring him, so I had to stay to be sneered at and insulted, with a good few loud outbursts and fist slammings at the computer being slow, or stuff being in his way. I would be totally on edge and strung out.

"You don't seem very happy to see me"

It always ended in (my) tears.

Rubygloom · 23/04/2012 17:37

Name calling.Turning the tv up when i talk,asking me a question and then shouting at me for not getting it right,says i will never find anyone better than him,moans at me to have sex with him when his drunk i used to give in just to shut him up but i tell him he makes my skin crawl now.Mimmics me when i cry

tells me that im thick,lazy,cunt etc,tells me the reason im like what i am is because my dad walked out on me as a child.This is because i get upset with his behaviour,used to want his cock sucked when i used to say no he said he would get it else where.God and he wonders why i don't wanna have sex with him.says my hair looks like rat tails,controls my bank card.Once i went around in holey trainers and my stepmum bought me new shoes

Rubygloom · 23/04/2012 17:38

When he does anything washing up etc i have to praise him but yet when i do stuff im a lazy cow