Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Iwillbefree. I hope you are free soon.

Thankyou poo I know I will be one day.

IWBF xx

The sooner the better! Do you have a plan?

Yes plan in place poo its the strength and self belief I need to find , I've found it twice before but caved in both times and ended up back at square one, I want to avoid this at all costs next time, so something about next time will need to be different for me to stay strong - thats what I'm looking for. I have had some fab advice on here and know I deserve to be happy, I just dont believe it will happen IYKWIM, I think the not believing bit turns into a self fulfilling prophecy (sp?) and I just go round in circles.

I wish I was one of those people who could just walk away and pat myself on the back for being so strong, but I'm not, I have tried but its just not me

What was it that made you cave in? Was it a big thing? a confidence thing? or lots of little things?

iwbf hope you can find the strength to go there is alot of advice on MN for when you do x

iwbf You're not alone. I'm so close to being free, but I'm bottling it. I want him back. Except I don't. But I do. Aargh. It's hateful.

Realising that one morning my last bit of love and respect I had for my exH had died was my moment when I knew what I had to do, falling completely out of love with him made my decision much clearer not necessarily easier but much clearer, the complexities surrounding loving, respecting and trusting someone had gone so it was more like making an everyday work decision! up until that point the thought of taking action terrified and saddened me so much I couldn't do anything but stay and put up with his behaviour!

just the gut feeling i have had when i have been out with guys that have turned out to be controlling (one violent). Have others felt the same? I think it is quite common or for someone close to take a real dislike to them very quickly (again often not really knowing why)

i will always go with this feeling now because it has been always been right there was nothing specific just something felt wrong and then they charmed me and those red flags just became hidden or ignored :(

along with the usual he has never felt this way before
always the victim,
the constant questioning,
the bullying that is made into a joke and laughed about,
the slap that he got so upset about more upset about than me,
the one minute talking to me then totally blanking,
the treat of emailing my work colleagues photos of me in the shower after we had split up

and then of course the feeling for years after afraid that i could not meet or was not really worthy of an honest and good man loving me and pushing those away who might have been or just keeping myself self and not getting involved with anyone :( now i really do want to but am still scared

oh yes the tickling me, i hate it i really do he knew that but still thought it was amusing to do so

and for those jsut getting out or trying to the Freedom programme is worth looking at and please get some sort of counselling you will move on emotionally far quicker

I am so glad for this tread
I just thought it was me who tolerated hip of shite for 8 years and that must be my insecurities that make me mad.

I didn't wash up properly. Or iron properly. Or stack the dishwasher properly. Or dress properly. Or dress the children properly. Or drive properly. Or pack properly. Or make gravy properly. Or plant spring bulbs properly. Honestly, you'd never think that I was actually a pretty competent woman with a good brain.

I did almost all the cooking, but when he did offer: "You go relax, I'll cook, put your feet up" - five minutes later this would be followed by "Can you just come and chop these veg" and essentially I would do all the chopping and prep and he would just add lots of spices and stir it.

If I ever did win an argument and he had to concede, a few hours later would start the 'I am really sorry, but here is why, ya-de-ya-de-ya-dah, actually it really was your own fault'.

After we split, I hadn't moved all my stuff out, so he threatened to burn it all if I didn't sleep with him one last time.

Also, one common thread here: us not feeling like we can actually dump them and not look back, but having to go back because they've apologised and asked if we can work it out. I spent a year after I realised my ex was a complete tool trying to work up to leave, threatening divorce, agreeing to work at it, because I have a picture in my head of what good people do, and good people try to make their marriages work, don't they?

No they don't: good people run for the hills! Once I'd got over the initial trauma of being the bad guy, feeling guilty for ruining his life and having to listen to all his crap, I was ecstatic! Now I am married to a lovely man, so they are out there and you can find them if you make space in your life - by dumping that tool.

All the sentences which began, "The thing about you is..." then followed by a list of the terrible stuff I did/was. The way I looked through his eyes was just awful.

good people try to make their marriages work, don't they? No they don't: good people run for the hills! - YY, Berts, what a pity we have to learn in such a hard way.

nkf - you know he was projecting, don't you.

Iwillbefree. The thing i found helped me was to write now all my reasons for ending it with him. All the things he had done to me. And then reread regularly and every time i felt my self weakening. It really, really helped. Otherwise i got confused and forgot why i was doing it in the first place.

I've thought of a couple more.

He removes his mother from Facebook all the time.

There's a poster near the university, a campaign against financial abuse of older people. He thinks the presence of the poster is offensive for students asking their parents for money. (Like he does - hit a nerve).

I'm finding this thread extremely cathartic but rather frightening.

One thing he did was write to the train company to complain that a woman with a baby had been allowed into the first class compartment (where he was sitting) for free because there the train was crowded and shewas standing up.

I feel like crying as I type that. And then I wondered why he wasn't an enthusiastic father.

XP used to wake up with nosebleeds in the middle of the night. He told me it was because of high blood pressure, I believed him, until I read a thread on here where someone was posting about her partner's cocaine use and another poster said "Men don't just randomly get nosebleeds for no apparent reason. Not unless they're nine."

I was because I had no idea - I just believed him!

• tight with money
• cheated on first girlfriend
• drug use
• insulting me as a "joke"
• full of contempt for others
• arrogant: was "right" about everything
• swearing at me
• punching walls

And this was just what he revealed in the first few months. Wow, what a fool I was!

It got a lot worse.

Yy to the not doing things properly crap. Exp inspected my washing up ffs and delighted in telling me 'yeh you missed a bit vacuuming it all had to be re done' that one time he actually vacuumed and didn't try to break the Dyson!

Having a huge problem with me having any privacy. We have nearly always lived with 2 bathrooms and yet he will find an excuse to come in every single day when I'm showering etc. that one 15 minutesaday of time to myself! If I complained about it he'd do it even more and punish me emotionally. As an adult I don't feel I have to justify why I want privacy.
This led to me timing going to bed to avoid getting changed in front of him because it made me feel so violated and the sex pressure was then so great. Plus bed time was his preferred argument time as he could interfere with my sleep.

The more I think about exp the more creepy I find his behaviour. Started having disturbing nightmares about him since the split :-(

Bertie. Did he admit to the cocaine? The person who said that grown men don't just get nose bleeds wasn't entirely correct. A relation of mine kept getting them and turned out to be due to kidney failure.

is that really true about nose bleeds? that's another thing that my ex had problems with. he said he had sensitive capillaries or something but now my brain is ticking. he did use cocaine on occasion when we first got together but said he had given that up...(he was a liar though)

Hmmm. My violent abusive bastard ex was a big cocaine user and yes, he had nosebleeds.

Rolling my eyes 'everytime' I mention my family or friends, because he doesn't know them or like them. They are not relevant.

Telling me I'm useless. As a joke.