Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

Fuzzywuzzy. That sounds awful and exhausting!

laughing at a birthday present my mum gave me for twelve hours repeatedly asking me if this was 'evidence' that she didn't love me. Wouldn't drop it until I 'joined in the joke' and agreed. :(

No, mine was always stroppy & belligerent with waiters, taxi drivers etc - I think he went into any transaction always assuming the other person was trying to con him.

His stroppiness when I forgot to apologise for something or thank him for a small favour at least taught me to mind my Ps&Qs in every day dealings with other people: I say 'sorry' and 'thank you' at the drop of a hat and lovely lovely DH always comments when I apologise to him over some random little thing; he doesn't realise it's now ingrained in me as an automatic response!

Sooooo many are coming to mind now, if you dont mind I'm going to have to list them as I read or I will forget them...

paranoid that I was the one shagging about, even if just popping to the shop for milk

ignoring me when asking him to mind the kids while I went to the shop or something

Going out for 1/2 hour which turns into 7/8 hours with no call

moaning that the kids have left the living room in a state

sick of the house being a mess when he comes in from work (2 kids, 1 dog, 1 GF wih severe PND housework was the least of my problems)

Ignoring me and th ekids all day in favour of the computer, then getting in a strop because I wont have sex with someone who's ignored me all day

Locking himself INSIDE HIS computer room so he can have HIS SPACE

Threatening to leave if I ever did anything with my hair, if I coloured it it "looked like a bag of shit"

Even recently (remember that we split up 2 years ago), saying that I needed a slap because I've done something with my hair...he's not even in the country.

Will happily spend money on him going out, on the computer or car but wont do anything with the house and actually turning it into a home... (I'm now getting there, slowly)

trying to have sex with me while I'm asleep and saying that "I was up for it" when I woke up and yelled at him.

I wont go into the sexual abuse but even I knew then it was wrong but didnt do anything about it as I didn't know how or where to start

saying something then denying saying it a few hours later or twisting it slightly (that's a good one)

Oh god, the CONSTANT reasurance that yes he was good in bed, and yes I did.

Reassuring him that yes he does treat me well and doesnt abuse me (only just realised this one!)

I've no doubt I'll post more once I've read another page and a few more memories have been jogged....

alienation of my friends was another one.

Oh and the getting louder and funnier until I paid him attention is another one and while I remember....

getting stroppy if I didnt pick up on this earlier.

Poopooinmytoes (can't type that without giggling childishly! ) Yes it was exhausting, I don't know how I did it....

Also he'd grope me incessantly, I get very very tender near the end of my cycle and he would insist on groping me continuously even tho I'd have tears of pain in my eyes and pleading with him to stop.... I hope he contracts a hideous disease in his hands and experiences excruciating pain every time anything touches his skin.

yep alienating me from friends, apparently they were all bad influences.......

OK these are getting dangerous now...I've just realised another huge one.

I wasnt sleeping due to depression and stress so he gave me some sleeping tablets...a nice thing to do I thought until I realised he gave 4 lots of "1 a night" sleeping pills. I had no idea they were one a night...he just laughed when I found out after (thankfully) being sick all night (thank you body) and read the packet.

Always making excuses to go out alone, always saying he'd only have two drinks, always turning up 12, 14 hours later "I fell asleep!!!!" and HE'D be in a mood with ME before i even had chance to speak!
Walking out of my sister's wedding because he caught me having a sneaky drunken cig and I didn't put it ut when he told me to.
Never paying for ANYTHING, "oh, have you got your card, I've only got cash, here, put my things on your bill.....Oh, have you got cash, I've only got my card, here, put my stuff on your bill"
and if he ever did buy me a present, he'd live off that purchase til I'd paid for double the amount he'd paid
Lying, lies, lies, lies, all the time. Gas lighting.
Making my babysitter (MY kids, you see) stay til I got back from a late shift, even though he'd been home 4 hours earlier.
Chatting up a girl 11 years his junior in a club - another night out I wasn't invited to.
Dropping plans with me at the very last second for his mates, (and one time it was "as he was leaving the house to meet me, his mate came round with some beers and needed to chat", so I was the selfish one for being annoyed, as his mate's relationship was on the slide - they broke up every fucking weekend) but would go fucking mental if I suggested he should re arrange a 14 hour play station and drinking marathon for a family occasion that was planned ages before.
Leaving the room when my faimily came to visit - who always tried to accept him, but his arrogance and ignorance eventually stopped them visiting me.
Day my grandma died, he didn't come home from work, had to meet his mates. Came home, popped his head round the door, saw me, mum, dad, bro, and just said "I'm off to bed" Not even "sorry for your loss to any of us"
Let his 13 yr old nephew access porn on MY pc in MY house (before he moved in) and caused a major row the next day as I'd been "snooping" and I had no right to (page was left on pc) , FFS he's THIRTEEN, what do you expect, grow up...and it wasn't even decent porn anyway.
Turning his friends and family against me over a long period, that started when we were all out together. I'd had enough, so told him I was off, I text him when I got to the Subway and the trainstation to say I'd got there, but he had everyone out looking for me round all the pubs in the city centre as I'd suddenly gone "missing".
Refused to speak about his past, EVER, as "it's the past, what's the point?"
Slagging off everyone. EVERYONE. All his family, all his friends.
SO JEALOUS of everyone.
When I told him I wanted more affection and sex, he responded with "you dress ike a chav, that's why I don't want you"

GOD I'm so fucking angry at myself. This is just SOME of his shit.

Oh. Read my diaries, every single one, I kept them for 20+ years, every thought and deed I'd ever done. He read the lot, I didn't realise at the time, but he would steer the conversation toward something he'd read "so, what do you think of this", or "have you done/would you do that"

Both of mine did that, Question.

Hey, please don't be angry at yourself! That's just carrying on the abuse, isn't it? Like those people who go "Why didn't you just leave?"

You weren't stupid, you were tricked & manipulated.

Reading this I've remembered more: My ex also had an "idyllic" childhood - wouldn't discuss it, just said it was full of long summer days playing footy everyday. His mother and sister didn't recognise that, couldn' t believe he'd said it, as he had witnessed and experienced severe domestic violence and emotional violence. He argued like mad with his mum and sis that this had NOT happened, sis insisted "but the time dad beat mum at the bottom of the stairs with the telephone receiver, we sat at the top crying..." NOPE! Didn't happen. And he's two years older than his sis. I don't understand why he blanks this stuff.

Also had an "idyllic" relationship with a girl, he'd never love again after that, oh no. Couldn't bear to hear her name spoken, or hear the song she was named after. sigh.

His dad hadn't spoken to him for some years before we got together. Never got to the bottom of that. They started speaking again when we got pregnant. Have had a few more periods of not speaking, no idea why. I know ex is BITTERLY jealous of his dad spending time/money on his step children.

Passive aggressive, used to sulk for weeks sometimes, I never undrstood what I'd done to kick it off, or what I'd done to make him stop. I tried dealing with it every way I could think of, nothing worked, and at the end of his silent period, he'd say it was ME being funny with HIM.

If he ever did do something really unforgivable, overstepping it a bit, he'd give me all this shit about how hard it is for him, as i had 2 kids, and he was new to all this (he never did fuck all with my kids, and I never asked him to) and he needed "L" plates, and he'd list all the things he did for me, and make out he really was exceptionally good to me, and i'd end up feeling like a shit for having a go at him.

We need the book.

I need to print these lists!

Anyone else have an ex who wouldn't use a public toilet?

I mean he wouldn't use the urinal; had to go into the stall. I only have his word for this and I don't know how it came up but he told me about it.

No - but you have just reminded that both exes pissed in doorways in front of me (splashing my shoes on several occasions). Yeuch.

Ruby - oh, THAT kind of hedgehog! [slaps forehead]

Just another one. Huge double standards.

Favourite example. Talked about other women ALL the time then went mad if I so much as mentioned another man's name.

However, when 18 and in a nightclub with me, wouldn't defend me when 2 men were trying to grope me in front of him. Then blamed me for it the next day :(

Hedgehog? Is there another kind? I don't get it!

Had his friends spy on me when I was out.

Hated my friends and isolated me from them.

Jealous. One ex was jealous of the £200 I received after a relative died (and I ended up giving him half :() and another was jealous of the extra life experience I'd had because I'd been alive longer than him FFS.

Smashing up my belongings. His were sacred.

question my exH read my stuff, went through my purse, read my texts, listened to any messages left on my phone, but never told me he had done it so people wondered why I never replied, ate mine and the kids food if we hadn't eaten it straight away, ie, a box of cakes one each, if I didn't eat mine straight away he would have it as well as his own, he had no sense of personal space, or respect for my things!

Sunny because you'd been alive longer than him?!

No compassion/empathy for anyone

Hates it when I'm ill - says I'm not/putting it on etc

Dislikes my family - hates them coming round

Cant help but critisise everything I do no matter how small - washing up etc

No affection/no emotion from him

Expects the house to be clean and tea on the table when he walks in from work - if its not its mood city - what have you been doing all day

Constantly tells me I've got alot to do tomorrow when hes at work then reels off things to do.

Comments on my driving - taps the gear stick if he thinks i'm in the wrong gear

If I need to ring someone say gas or insurance people - he will ask me every fucking day - have you rang, me "no" why not? you've had all day. What have you been doing (even though I've been at work all day)

I just sit on my arse all day at work and chat (FWIW I think my job is pretty stressful) his is not

Moans if I go out with my friends for a few hours but he spends endless hours on his hobby out of the house.

Moans about having no money but spends silly amounts on previously mentioned hobby.

Seems unable to say thankyou or sorry for anything

Never having anything positive to say. I've started to consciously listen to everything he says when he comes in from work and he MOANS about everything not a positive word comes out of his mouth - its quite unbelieveable. How rubbish his day was, theres nothing on TV, the kids are getting on his nerves, the weather, he's tired, the computers slow I could go on and on.

Hes nice to other people in his job etc.

Cant stand it if I am sat down on the sofa and he is say, tidying up - he will HAVE to ask me to help/do something so I cant relax.

and I am still here for now......

On the plus side after some straight talking from my family and discovering MN I now throw things back like - if you havnt got anything nice to say dont say anything. If I do make a cup of tea for him, hand him it he says - "oh its about time you made one today" - I reply with "what you meant to say is thank you X thats lovely" he hates this and it is causing more problems with us, as he can see I really dont give a shit about him anymore, we've split up a couple of times but each time he has asked to return promising change, yeah right. He has chipped away and worn away any love and respect I had for him.

Just for anyone reading learn from my mistakes - and there are alot on this thread!

Love IWBF

I remember reading something later about how you should ask yourself this question - is he polite to people he could get away with being rude to?

Mine was rude to just about everybody.

If I make any remark or express any opinion, he immediately replies to the contrary.

head/deak/head/desk

The condom wrapper I found in the car about 6 months after we started dating

The bruises on his neck that "I did when I was sleeping" apparently ...ffs

The funny "stories" about work

The "sexual harrassement" case at work that apparently wasnt his fault.....Why the fuck didnt I see straight through THAT.

When he called to say he wasnt coming back for good and that "how could I do that to HIM?" WTF?

His baking was always better than mine...in fact everything he did was always better than my efforts...IN FACT..thinking about it...everything that everyone else used to do was better than anything I ever did, from ironing, cooking, my job....

Stonewalling me when I point out something that he was in the wrong for..sometimes for days at a time...but he still wanted sex every fucking night.

The porn, OMG, the porn...there was so much of it, and none of it was his or it was for someone else.

I started reading this thread last night and hardly slept due to lots of little bells and flags reappearing when I thought of something was just wasnt quite right...there's so many of them.

Racist, sexist, jealous, bitter, paranoid, judgemental, would wind people up just for his own amusement...he was always the one at the centre of the jokes or the one playing the jokes.....

Grope me while I'm cooking dinner then start an argument because I pointed out that I was cutting something or there was boiling water or oil and not to do that while I'm cooking because it was dangerous.

Inist on tickling me even though I HATE it.

Would go on constantly to whoever was listening that he didnt drink in the pub every night and that he wasnt an alcoholic...but would think nothing of drinking an entire bottle of both whiskey and port in one night whilst on the computer.

I could sit here all day and things will pop into my head now I know what I'm looking for.