Red flags I should have heeded - share yours for womenkind

[ParsleyTheLioness]

There were various red flags that meant I should have headed for the hills, but I was vulnerable at the time, and he only upped the ante several years and a child down the line. I will share mine, in the hope that someone may take it on board, and hopefully others will share theirs too.
In no particular order: very early on in our relationship, he would throw a strop for no reason that I could discern, and looking back, still didn't know what had triggered it. I just knew I felt bad afterwards.
He was always unaware of personal space, and would frequently invade mine. Eg in the car, he would suddenly lurch accross me to access the glove box, without any warning. His car, his space.
Subtle undermining tactics. I am very particular about the perfume I wear. Anything else is a bit of waste of money really. He knew this, but would always try to 'convert' me to another one.
There were many others, and things got worse, with lots of EA, some dv, but I am just thinking of the things that had my Twat Detector been working, would have encouraged me to get out before I had emotionally invested. Please feel free to add. I'm sure I shall think of lots of other things later.

susiedaisy doesn't sound petty. it's the small things they do that gradually grind you down, making you feel that you are being over the top.

Thanks sunrise

I think women's reluctance to express anger, rage, or total disdain, is a contributing factor. Expressed anger can be important for self-preservation and self-respect.

No farting

Absolutely.

No.

Farting.

Not even an accidental parp - stonily ignored.

My bowels were in turmoil the whole eight years.

However, I was expected to show interest in the size, consistency, ease of passing, scent etc of his turd each morning. and clean up the little flecks of poo he'd flick on the cistern whilst wiping

Last guy I dated:

lied about his age, job, length of previous relationship on his internet profile

had never had a serious relationship

questioned me in the middle of the night about my lack of a mortgage and asked "who is going to pay your share of the mortgage when you're at home looking after the kids?" (er, no kids, this was one month in)

had "high brow tastes" and figured this made him better than anyone else

would ask me questions to try and catch me out (eg I said I liked classical music, so he asked me when the last time I went to a concert was. It wasn't genuine interest, it was checking to see if I was lying)

Dick.

Second last guy I dated:

committed to an exclusive relationship, then borrowed my car for a weekend with "mates" but actually was a shagfest with the other woman he was seeing. He wasn't reliable though in his texting or meeting up with me, but he was very charming and fun.

Another guy I went on one date with this year sent me a text when I got home: Pity you didn't come back with me, I really wanted to fuck you.

Nice.

Now that's classy!

Wow this thread is very interesting. Only got to page 6 but felt the need to share mine.

Ex 1

Met at college, started behaving jealously and possessive almost immediately, we weren't even dating.

Sulking when i spoke to guys.

Isolating me by not allowing me to speak to guys. Or rather dirty looks if i did and then questioning me. Hardly had any friends at what should have been a fun time.

Telling me our mutual friends didn't like me. If i was getting on well with them would tell me i was making a fool of myself and that they didn't like me really. That was on my birthday!

Demanding i phone him when i got home from nights out and at regular intervals if i were home in the evening.

When i went out to visit a friend, phoning my parents after i had left to demand to know where i had REALLY gone.

Received nasty phone calls. One to my parents saying that i was at that time having group sex at a party. Im guessing it was him and that he thought that would get my parents to be more strict and not let me out or something . I was 20! They were shocked!

Telling me i didn't HAVE to EVER go out you know.

Questioning me all the time.

Demanding i take off my tiny bit of makeup.

Was outraged that my washing up technique wasn't the same as his.

Was critical of my clothes if they didn't meet his standards.

Got offered a place on a subgroup on our course. Only a few people got in. He was very jealous so told me not to do it. Told me i wouldn't be happy etc. Like a fool i listened.

Telling all our friends on the course that he had done my work for me. This was when i got a better mark then him. Sulking about it.

Ex 2

Again acting jealous and possessive very soon after we met even though we weren't together.

Telling other people my secrets.

Using something personal i told him against me.

Lying about silly things such as that he'd been watching a sexy bit of a film.

Wanting to control everything within the house. So the telly would be on sports, the computer he'd be using to play sports games etc. I hated sports but wasn't allowed to leave the house so was surrounded by it.

Making me huge meals and sulking if i didn't eat it all. Result . . . I got fat.

Being very, very jealous and possessive if i spoke to a man. Would often physically hurt me for doing so. Even homosexual friends.

Would be angry and suspicious of how long it took me to go to the supermarket.

Liked to get me into situations where i was reliant on him and then start a fight. I would then have to be submissive so that he didn't abandone me somewhere.

Wasn't allowed to be ill. Would act like a child after attention despite me begging him to go away due to my migraine and not bounce up and down on the bed where i was laying.

Going for walk to help with said migraine and him going off on one because apparently it wasn't safe to be walking in the middle of the day.

Him asking me to move in with him. Me saying no. Him renting a place anyway and then taking my money as i owed him for the rent. I was student.

Undermining me in my job. Phoning my boss to tell him where i was falling short.

After the physical violence started, telling me that his parents and also his counsellor had said it was my fault. Doubt he even actually saw a counsellor.

Telling me that his ex was unfaithful just because she had spoken to another man. Telling me this gave him the right to hit her and she was lucky he didn't.

Beating me up and leaving me in the street and then spending the night by himself in my parents house in my bed. My parents didn't even know he was there.

Taking my college work and throwing it out of the window. Other times holding it to ransom.

Being pleased when my final mark wasn't as good as i hoped.

Drink driving.

Getting into fights and arguments.

Generally being a c*nt.

Wow this is therapeutic!

Oh i forgot . . .

Ex 2

Would say i should go out and and that he'd pick me up and then not turn up to teach me a lesson.

Would wait until i got into bed with the lights out and then come round to my side of the bed and scream accusing jealous stuff at me. Very scary in the dark.

Kicked in the bathroom door as he thought i was up to something in there. I was having a poo. This was before i even had a mobile.

Oh and

Ex 2

Ripped the phone out of the wall when i tried to call the police.

Hiding behind doors listening to my phone calls then taking bits of what i had said and accusing me of lying and keeping things from him.

Trying to push me out of a window.

Pushing me across the room into furniture.

Repeatedly telling me i had tripped until i didn't know my own mind anymore.

Biting me in front of my friends.

. . . These are hardly early signs though! More full on in the middle of abusive relationship, early signs a dim and distant memory.

Hell fire poopoo, that's horrific!

So very glad you got out of there, sounds like both relationships had the potential to take a seriously dark turn.

(not that i'm saying what you went through wasn't awful by the way, just that they could have gone really bad. Well you know what I mean!)

Yes i know exactly what you mean! Its struck me as strange at the time that i went from one jealous nutter to the next. But now i know that's pretty common.

Ooh i forgot

ex 1

Grabbing me by the throat.

I feel like I shouldn't really be posting here (despite having done so twice already) as I'm still with my husband so not even sure it counts, but some of the things he does ring true with other posters here and I wouldn't wish it on my DD. So I have more if that's ok (don't think they've already been mentioned):

Always being very jealous that my highest mark for an essay at uni is higher than his highest mark. This was 6 years ago and he still justifies it by saying my degree was easier than his.

If my phone goes off he helps himself to look at it, even if I'm in the room. And if I object he accuses me of cheating. (I never have and never would).

And posters above saying about their stuff being 'crap' whereas the guy's stuff is 'HIS STUFF'. Rings very very true with me. Everything that belongs to me is crap and can be thrown around, carelessly trodden on etc by him, woe betide me if I ever do the same to me. I hate seeing my possessions mistreated :( Justifies it by saying I'm a hoarder (I am slightly, but its always personal things like stuff for my family scrapbooks, photos etc).

Rumours that there was a stash of empty spirit bottles under his bed.

Alcoholic parents.

Liking women several years younger than himself.

Reading the star/sport, comparing RL women to the models in them and wanting to respond to ads.

Guessing the cup sizes of all the women in the room.

Being so tight as to switch off the heating for the summer on 1st April, no exceptions.

Not going to antenatal appointments.

Not wanting to spend Christmas together.

Not wanting to go on holiday together.

Telling off for spending patterns.

Not wanting to publicise engagement.

Not bothering about contraception.

Prioritising his hobbies.

Criticising your friends or family.

Charging rent when you move in.

Wanting you to change your hair colour/ appearance.

Not wanting to get to know your friends.

I have three young sons and am very conscious of the importance of helping them grow up to be kind, gentle men. Can anyone offer any advice, having observed the family backgrounds of abusive men?

Cinna

Im not sure really.

Ex 1s family. Mum who had this constant disapproving air about her. She made me nervous. Always moaning and snipping. Dad had had an affair and left. Not much contact since not sure what he was like. Ex was the youngest.

Ex 2s family. Mum had died suddenly when he was in his early 20s. He often used this to excuse his behaviour. Don't know what she was like but suspect that they had a close relationship. His dad was overbearing and bossy. Ex was the oldest.

Can't see many links there but if others share what they know about the families as well perhaps we might see some similarities.

Going to work away from home when I was pregnant with our first child for spurious reasons. I went to all the childbirth classes alone - everyone else was with their partner. I went into labour alone, with him working 3 hours away.

Going back to work away the day after our first child was born "because you are being kept in hospital so there's no point" - I was dangerously ill.

I had three months of the most awful illness where he continued to work away, and my poor DMum and Dad (who were in their 70s) came up every Monday, and left every Friday, and did all the caring for DS1, because I was too ill to cope alone.

Not even taking time off work when I was readmitted to hospital at death's door. I had to tell him to step up to the mark and take care of his son becasue (as I thought) I wasn't going to make it.

Going to work away after our third child was born, also for spurious reasons

Having an affair while working away which to this day he won't tell me the truth about

Forcing me to become - and stay, a SAHM

Refusing to help with childcare or anything domestic. Ever!

Treating me like my illness (which is lifelong) was designed to annoy him, and that periods where I had to retreat to my bed were "taking advantage".

Gaslighting - pretending we'd had conversations we hadn't, or claiming things he'd agreed to had "only been a discussion, not an agreement"

Whining and pawing for sex when he'd been such a knob that I hated him

Refusing to come with me to stay with my friends for a weekend, so that I had to go alone, with a baby and 2 toddlers. I gave up going in the end.

Refusing to allow my friends to come to the house, by kicking off about something, or (his favourite) saying "Oh, I think I'll have a cooked breakfast this morning" half an hour before they were due to arrive, leaving the kitchen like a bombsite. Just to see me scurry around like a lunatic clearing up. I haven't had friends here for about 15 years now.

Nothing has EVER been his fault.

He kicks off if I ask him to change the slightest thing eg not leaving dishes down the sink "because attack is the best form of defense".

I am his verbal punchbag if he is in a bad mood about something else.

Everything is a fight which he has to win, from the colour of the paint to whether he will load the dishwasher.

I have a right catch here haven't I?

Oh YYY to the "Leave my stuff alone" whereas my stuff is CRAP, which he can tread on, kick about, refuse to make space for in the house (after 15 years here, my books are still all in boxes in the loft, garage, shed, under my bed etc).

And if I ever eg leave unsorted washing on the bed, he will either throw it on the floor, or just get into bed under it - utter disrespect for work I've done.

Flapping. What are you going to do about it?

Get a job. See where I stand then. It's depressing how many of us have experienced this. What's the matter with these men?

I don't know flapping! Can you work with your illness?

Oh yes, PooPoo. It's completely under control. There were several hairy early years getting the medication right etc, but it's not an issue now.

OneHandFlapping - How's your escape plan coming along?

Cinnabar - both my exes came from dysfunctional backgrounds, though it wasn't immediately obvious in either case.

X1 - Mother idolised and was 'too close' to him iykwim. She once let her sweet little mother act slip and raged that she could give him everything I could except sex She threatened suicide when we said we were moving away. His father had once thumped X (he died before I met them), after which she refused to have sex any more and barely spoke to him.

X2 - Father was a pleasant, sociable chap but, by the time I met them, was suffering a very slow fatal illness. Mother very capable, held family together, a kind and quiet woman. So quiet, in fact, I now think she has Asperger's. Both she and X are very undemonstrative. Before he became sick, his father and mother apparently had massive rows about his social life, which she thought excessive.

All that said, there's something very odd about X2 and clearly had been from childhood. The family had taken various unusual measures - unexpectedly sending him away to school and some other things - which were never discussed or explained.

My sibs and I all have 'weird' relationship histories. Dysfunctional parents again - violent, bullying father and manipulative 'saintly' mother. Significant factors that were lacking in our lives as children: predictability; safety; normal social values & normal social life; uninhibited communication; unconditional love.

I think that, if your kids grow up in an emotionally and physically safe home, where everyone gets heard and trusted, you're good to go :) I'd be careful to ensure they didn't normalise violence and sexism, as I'm sure you are.

I blame the way my stbXh is entirely on his parents. I know as an adult he is responsible for his own behavior but honestly he's so conditioned that he has no clue what he's doing.

His dad is an absolute cock, treats him like a child, talks to him like he's an idiot yet he totally worships him, can't see anything wrong at all.

His mum is bitter and pa constantly yet again he can't see her as anything but perfect.

They isolated him from the rest of the family as a child. They both have massive persecution problems and inferiority complexes so isolate themselves completely. I've never heard them say a good word about anyone. They're just so bitter and resentful of anyone who they perceive to have more than them.

So all his life all he hears from these parents who have worshiped everything he's ever done is how everyone is out to get them. The result is he's fiercely protective of them and takes every imaginary slight personally.

It breaks my heart to see just what a number they've pulled on him.

They've somehow managed to idolise everything he's ever done yet constantly belittle him at the same time.

He even defends the time his dad took a belt to him for taking money from his mum's purse to pay off the bullies that were beating him senseless every day. He genuinely thinks he deserved it.

Mydog. My husbands family sound similar. Lucky he has turned out a good husband in most ways but is terrified of their disapproval so will not stick up for himself. Its painful to watch.

developing an urge to save hedgehogs.

Looks even more ridiculous when its written down.