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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My fiance can't ride a bike!

74 replies

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 09:56

I have been with my OH for 3.5 years, and I just found this out, I feel like he's dropped a bombshell! This is just the latest in a line of things that he can't do or is afraid of:
He can't swim - is afraid of the water
He can't drive - after an accident as a teenage passenger
He has a fear of flying - claustrophobia comes into this
He can't do train travel either - claustrophobia again
He can't do boats - fear of the water again.
He can't ride a bike...
I can't help but feel angry towards his parents for bringing up their child without such basic skills, and also passing on their own fears and insecurities on to him - they won't fly either. I know I wasn't there so I can't know what went on, but I can't help but blame them. Would anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 16/04/2012 10:05

I think I would find your OH a very difficult person to be in a relationship with. His list of phobias would cut out a huge number of leisure and sport activities and make travel of any kind especially abroad very difficult indeed.

I do understand your reaction in blaming his parents and yes, it is regrettable that he appears to have been negatively influenced by them, however he is an adult now and he can choose to get help to overcome his fears; he could learn to ride a bike; he could learn to swim etc. if he wanted to.

If you want to have children and you feel his parents are to blame for his current phobias - what will then be the impact on your future children? Will you blame him if they become phobic?

ragged · 16/04/2012 10:07

Doesn't sound like a positive start to marriage.
Do you think he'll take same super-cautious approach to raising your DC, too? That could lead to huge conflicts in parenting "style" (see concurrent threads).
He's an adult now, he can choose to have fun learning to do those things.

KeepOrfThemCarbs · 16/04/2012 10:10

I agree with hellonheels - I don't think I could cope with such a wet blanket tbh. I could sympathise with a couple of those fears, but not a whole list of them.

I wouldn't be angry with the parents - he is an adult now.

pepperrabbit · 16/04/2012 10:10

Is he claustrophobic in the car as well?
So he can only do walking or buses
sounds like you might have a very restricted life together?

Original poster

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 10:20

If I had known all these things when we started going out, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. But he is the most loving person, he is wonderful, everything he does, he does for me, so in a way, I'm glad I never knew all this straight away. Since we've been together he has spent a fortune on therapy and courses to try and get over his fears, he does want to get over them, but it's taking time. He says he hasn't done so before now, because he never met someone that means that much to him, or that supports him enough to face his fears.

I keep thinking of my childhood, I remember being in tears at 5 or 6 years old with my Dad trying to teach me to ride a bike, I didn't want to do it, but he forced me, I remember that, and I'm grateful because I can ride a bike now! My parents philosophy has always been, 'get back on the saddle' to face your fears. Such as when I had a car accident at 17 and didn't want to get back in the car, my Dad made me drive the car home. My Mum is afraid of the water, but because of this, she wanted to make sure that I wasn't the same, she conquered her own fears to take me to water babies, and from then on I would swim all the time, I'm a real water baby now! I just can't believe such different parenting skills!

He really is trying, I wouldn't call him a wet blanket because he can't help his fears, they are real, I've seen his reactions to things, he can't control his breathing or his heart rate, it's a real ingrained fear, I just don't think it's his fault.

OP posts:

ragged · 16/04/2012 10:24

I probably couldn't cope with it either, OP. Really would not want to have kids together. Can't believe you got this far along without realising. My parents raised us in similar way to you so it would all be very foreign. But not sure it's right for you to just blame his parents, either. How his problems developed is probably more complicated than that.

HellonHeels · 16/04/2012 10:26

Hmmm OK he is trying to overcome his issues. A couple of my friends have found CBT very helpful in overcoming some quite disabling phobias.

I think really, there is little to be gained from blaming his parents. What is the point? It doesn't change anything now. Does your fiance blame his parents?

If you have children together have you discussed how he would feel about them bike riding, swimming? Would he want to recreate his own experience of being parented?

boringnickname · 16/04/2012 10:30

Why can't he ride a bike? I suffer from anxiety - i can't drive because im too anxious, wont fly bla ba bla

The reason i ask is because i wonder could he be slightly dyspraxic? He might find toe co-ordination hard?

It would be so so great for him if he could learn, i ride my bike everywhere, mostly off road because i am scared of the cars and im lucky enough to be able to do this, but it is therapy in itself for anxiety, it really is, it has made me feel so much better i cannot even describe!

Lueji · 16/04/2012 10:32

In the grand scheme of things, there are more important things.
And the bike issue is quite minor.

He should consider some treatment for his phobias, though.

Are you aware of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? He might get a referral from the GP if it is affecting his day to day life.
In any case, google it to see how it works.
Even if you go private he shouldn't need many sessions because he should learn the tools rather than depend on the therapist.

Your OH seems to have panic attacks, but he can learn to control his breathing when he has them and train his brain to rationalise the situation.

One way might be to go slowly and associate something pleasant with those experiences.

What happens is that his brain associates danger with those situations and goes into override. If he can start making new associations he may be able to overcome his excessive fear.

PS- my ex suffers from social anxiety.

kistanbul · 16/04/2012 10:32

I think the comments so far are mean. Why are people so quick to judge?

I couldn't ride a bike or swim until I was well into my 30s, and I know a lot of people thought I was some kind of incompetent freak.

My mother was agoraphobic, and as a result I didn't learn to do any of the normal kiddy outdoor activities. My mother's problems are no ones business, so I used to just laugh it off when people commented or made jokes.

It's hard to learn those things when you're older. I think it's great that he's trying.

Lueji · 16/04/2012 10:33

If I had known all these things when we started going out, I wouldn't have given him the time of day.

I'm sure he appreciates that.

Original poster

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 10:38

I know there is nothing to be gained from blaming his parents 'resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies' so true, it's just the way I feel at the moment, I'll get over it.

He doesn't blame his parents, he won't hear a word said against them.

I'm not sure what Dyspraxia is, I'll look it up. His nephew (5) is currently being tested for autism, is that related? I can well imagine OH being similar to him as a child.

OP posts:

ragged · 16/04/2012 10:42

Yes, those conditions are related (afaik). but may not be relevant, too.

If his parents are controlling or phobic, you would have to deal with them long-term after marriage. Something else to consider or at least prepare for.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/04/2012 10:42

Can he be a passenger in a car or is he too claustrophobic for that?

Do you drive?

Do you have children?

How much money do you reckon you will have to fork out on therapy over the next 10-15 years while he overcomes his fears?

coppertop · 16/04/2012 10:49

It seems odd to blame his parents, let alone feel angry at them. Often you have to tailor your parenting to fit the child.

I have an 11yr-old, for example, who can't ride a bike at all. He doesn't yet have the co-ordination to manage it, and tips over even when his feet are on the ground. If I'd gone with your parents' approach it would have ended very badly. I also have a 6yr-old who finds riding a bike very easily. Different children, different approaches.

There's a big difference between having a fear of something and having a genuine phobia. If your OH's parents had taken your parents' approach to things, it could well have backfired massively.

You say that your OH is wonderful and lovely, so presumably his parents can't have done such a bad job of bringing him up, can they?

yakbutter · 16/04/2012 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 10:50

He can be a passenger in a car, he says because he knows he can ask for the car to be stopped, or to open the window at any time. He's ok on buses too.

To be honest, I know I'm on mumsnet, but we're not planning on having children, so that's probably a good thing. (I'd feel sorry for our future children!)

His parents are lovely people don't get me wrong, they just don't realise how their actions can affect him. His younger sister is similar, but her fears are not as bad.

OP posts:

Original poster

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 10:52

Thankyou coppertop, that's a really good way of looking at it, I hadn't thought of things that way before:)

OP posts:

DarkDarkWood · 16/04/2012 10:56

I have a husband who is scared to drive and to swim in the sea/ get his hair wet. I have to admit it makes me think less of him. Definitely less sexy. When i met him we lived in London and these things didn't come up and, once we engaged, seemed a little shallow to call it all off for. He does have some great qualities but my personal definition of manliness is not one of them!

Original poster

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 10:56

I'm not going to dump him no, I believe we have something special. I think I just have to start looking at things a bit differently, the main issue is holidays, because I love to travel. I'm happy taking holidays without him, plenty of other married couples take separate holidays, it won't be the end of the world.

I hope that he can overcome his fears, but I guess I have to come to terms with the idea that I can't change him.

Is there a test for dyspraxia?

OP posts:

coppertop · 16/04/2012 11:04

Signs of dyspraxia in adults.

Original poster

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 11:14

Well one of the reasons he says he can't ride a bike, or swim, is because he was a very sporty child, and he spent all his time playing football and cricket so that he never had time for the other things. He can catch and bat a ball which looks like one of the symptoms of dyspraxia. He's not very good at diy though, and could it also be one of the reasons he can't load a dishwasher properly, lol.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 16/04/2012 11:17

I couldn't ride a bike,never learnt as a child for reasons I never fully understood - last child, busy parents?

I learnt on a local authority class last year aged 47.

It's possible if he wants to.

boringnickname · 16/04/2012 11:20

Look, if you dont like the guy, just dump him - you dont intend to have children with him? do you intend to have them at all, if you do but not with him, let him go now and find someone who will actually appreciate him for the loving person you say he is.

Original poster

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 11:21

Hellonheels and Luegi, he is currently having CBT, he was referred by his GP and he's had about 3 sessions. Before this he saw a different therapist privately but that one didn't seem to help unfortunately.

OP posts:

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