My fiance can't ride a bike!

[shelldockley]

I have been with my OH for 3.5 years, and I just found this out, I feel like he's dropped a bombshell! This is just the latest in a line of things that he can't do or is afraid of:
He can't swim - is afraid of the water
He can't drive - after an accident as a teenage passenger
He has a fear of flying - claustrophobia comes into this
He can't do train travel either - claustrophobia again
He can't do boats - fear of the water again.
He can't ride a bike...
I can't help but feel angry towards his parents for bringing up their child without such basic skills, and also passing on their own fears and insecurities on to him - they won't fly either. I know I wasn't there so I can't know what went on, but I can't help but blame them. Would anyone else feel the same?

I'm going with b) for the moment, with a) as a back-up! I can teach him to swim myself as I'm qualified in this, but first he has to conquer his fear of the water. I too think that all the fears are linked, and if we can try a few little steps to conquering some of them, that will hopefully all help make him a more confident person over all.

I don't blame you for being a bit peed off with his parents about it. I think as parents if we are aware that we have an irrational fear we have to try our best not to pass it on. The fact that these things scare his parents as well make it more likely that it is learnt behaviour. These fears REALLY rub off.

My own parents passed on the idea that if something is scary, a bit tricky etc then just don't do it anymore.

My sister was nervous the day she got her first car so my mum told her just to not bother with it any more and sell the car, and not in a reverse psychology type of way either. This sort of thinking was what made my mum too scared to leave the house for most of her life. Once she found it scary so stopped doing it.

My grandmother passed down to my mum and her siblings fears of war breaking out, thunderstorms, lifts and on and on.

There was a tiny clap of thunder the other day and my dad said to my little boy (who hasn't made up his mine how he feels about them yet) "oh we don't like thunderstorms do we, too scary" For fucks sake!

These fears do really rub off don't they. I suppose for some people if you're scared of something, just don't do it, and they think that is fine, the rest of us want to live our lives to our full potential and thankfully, that is the way my fiance sees things which is why he's trying his best.

Next time there's a thunderstorm you'll have to watch it out the window, and listen to it with your son, and teach him how much fun it is to watch the lightshow! I don't think children should be ingrained with any negatives, they'll soon learn from classmates, they don't need family adding to it!

Shell. Don't worry i jumped straight in there with "no they're not! Thunderstorms are fun aren't they dc? Granddads just being silly"

He looked about and thought about it. You could see it all going in! They are so mouldable aren't they! Now every time there is a storm i say "yay thunderstorm! I like the noises and pretty flashing lights!" and he joins in. Phew! I was convinced i was going to get killed by lightening as a child and would be paralysed with fear and didn't want that for my children.

At least your fiance is trying. I used to have a fear of dogs which was really bad! Pretty much gone now. A combination of grew out of it in my late 20s, gradual exposure and the realisation that in most cases there is nothing to be scared of.

With regard to your fiance conquering his fear of water he, and you, may find this site informative www.relaxnswim.com

Btw, EFT (emotional freedom technique) is a therapy that I have previously advocated on this board. Brad Yates has put a number of EFT videos on youtube which are free to access and easy to participate in - search 'Brad Yates EFT' on that site for further details.

However, as many relationships come to grief when one teaches the other how to suck eggs a new skill I would suggest that, after your fiance has taken the necessary steps while wearing his fluffy slippers to ensure that he feels comfortable with the element of water, you sit back and wave your cheerleader pom-poms while he takes lessons from an instructor who is experienced in teaching the aqua-phobic to dangle their legs over the side of your local pool before, eventually, floating and doggy paddling their way around the shallow end before they plunge off the high diving board.

Good luck! I do so hope you both enjoy your fiance's first flight and that you'll report back that he's gained the confidence to honeymoon take a holiday 'abroad'.

Tbh I don't really see what the issue is here. So he is scared of flying? Thousands of people are. I know I am. I tried it once, had a bad experience and if I go near an airport break out into a cold sweat.

I can ride a bike, don't don't really enjoy it, so don't do it.

I am terrified of the tube and trains. I get horribly sea sick so don't bother.

Due to nearly drowning at 5 I will not go near a pool.

My dh accepts me for who I am, phobias and all. Yes he had a hard time getting used to the fact that there are no foreign holidays and we had to holiday in the uk (shock horror) but the way I look at it is the uk tourist industry needs help, and that is my excuse

Fortunately my dd is far more confident than I ever was and she gets that from her daddy. I try not to pass on my insecurities, but I am of the belief that if you are naturally anxious that is the way it is.

You can accept him for who he is or not. Don't try to change him (as an ex of mine tried to) as that will lead to unhappiness on both. He will change if HE wants to. As my therapist told me, only you can make that change, but you have to want to deep down. Some times it is just easier not to face things. His phobias that you list are a little limiting, but hardly life threatening?

shell I am afraid NLP therapists can vary somewhat - and some have new age type rubbish stuff they do as well, which imho has nothing to do with NLP.

It's good that he's addressing his problems, though, and brave of him.

Dillie. That's quite a list you have there. A lot of people wouldn't be happy to never holiday abroad, go on a train, plane, tube, near water, its lucky that your partner is. I am surprised you can't see what a big deal it would be for a lot of people though. Perhaps that is because they are YOUR phobias and it is easier for you to avoid those situations and to convince yourself that its not a big deal then to confront the things which scare you. Just as you say that some people are naturally more anxious and that's the way it is . . . Sounds like you are absolving yourself of any sort of responsibility for the way you are, choosing instead to blame it on the way you were born. You probably think that way because your phobias find the alternative (confronting them) too scary. The brain is an amazing thing. You can achieve anything you want to if you are prepared to try.

Goodness me, Dillie. If everyone in the UK was like you and could only travel by car, every road would be gridlocked.

Out of curiousity, do you drive?

My son is Dyspraxic and is scared of his own shadow. When he was little he was terrified of water on his face, terrified of buttons, he would freak out badly. He's 14 now and still cant swim very well. He was 11 before he could ride a bike. Nothing I did could have made any difference.

I suffer from anxiety, can't drive and have no wish to, I fear flying, get seasick...but i'm far from being a big baby. I've brought up two kids on my own.

Dd is a little tornado, she'll try and succeed at anything so I know its not my parenting to blame.

I think some of these comments are a bit mean, sounds to me like he has a problem needing further investigation.

Ignore some of the intolerant and uninformed posts on here Shell. Your DH really does have a good chance of conquering his fears and the good news is that, if he gets over one of them, he can use the same techniques for the others. It's not much good blaming his parents as it seems they are limited by their own fears too - i.e. they never flew.
I hope CBT helps him, he needs to get to the root of what his actual fear is (the "c" side) and learn to tolerate his anxiety/distress until it abates (the "b" side). He may also do well with someone who can integrate working on the more emotional aspects as when he does conquer fears, there is likely to be a certain amount of grieving for all that he has missed out on up until now and all that his parents have, and will continue to, miss out on due to anxiety.
One thing, be careful about enabling him with his anxiety. Maybe he will start to do trips with you but it is important that he the continues to practice alone.

Research certainly seems to show that there is a genetic component to anxiety, the parts of the brain that are wired to notice and react to threat are particularly responsive and it can run in families, so hard to tell what is nature and nurture.

I'm seriously appaled that some people suggest leaving and think it's a nightmare.

God forbid their ohs get seriously ill.
Or that they happen to develop a mental condition.

It's not easy to conquer phobias.

My DS is 11 and cannot ride a bike or tie his own shoelaces. Don't know why. Tried everything we tried with the others but no luck. Didn't think it was that big a deal.

My ds couldn't tie his own shoelaces either at that age notforlong, apparently it's to do with his dyspraxia. He has rubbish coordination!

Riding bikes or tying shoelaces are not essential in today's world, but being unable or unwilling to travel by trains and boats and planes and other forms of public transport is a serious impediment to living a rich and fulfilling life.

Wow, sounds like you have loads of fun together

Sorry I agree with the others, I just couldn't be with a man who was scared of everything - I'd find that difficult to deal with in a child, not to mention an adult.

Living with someone like that would severely limit my life and I'm afraid life is too short and precious to spend "being scared".

I'm surprised you've got 3 1/2 years into a relationship before finding out he can't drive, cycle fly do trains or boats. Swimming you can cover up but it doesn't sound as though you've been far in those years.
I would be concerned at the huge number of phobias and would be concerned at the fact that he hadn't taken himself off to a psychologist before now to get his phobias sorted but had chosen to live with them.
The lack of gumption to sort himself out would bother me as much as the phobias. You do sound as though you are seeing this as your problem and mummying him a bit. All this talk of "we" with regard to his phobia treatment does make it sound as though he's successfully dumped his problems on you.

He is a bloody adult, you can not blame his parents for his weakness

Out of interest, how old are you both?

It's only the cycling bit that I've only just found out. He didn't manage to hide the rest all this time! To be honest, I see it a lot like depression, you can't tell someone to just snap out of it, some people aren't so understanding. We are both mid-thirties, I've been in a relationship before with someone with bipolar and this is a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

To be fair, I don't think anyone has said "leave the bastard", just that they would find it difficult to deal with. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it and solve these problems because it sounds like you go well together

By the way, that last bit from me sounded snarky, it wasn't meant like that at all, I meant it in a positive way

I think what people did object to was the op blaming her partner's parents for the fact that a man in his 30s has umpteen phobias. Do they then blame their parents and the cycle continues?
I think once you are an adult it is your job to sort out your neuroses. You can choose to live with them, but that may limit your choice of mate.

For whatever reason, your dp's parents are conflicted by neuroses - but that's no reason why his life should be limited by their anxieties.

Once he's conquered one fear, he'll be up, up, and away, in more ways than one. Go for it, gal - if he can't overcome some of his fears with your encouragement his options will always be limited.