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Original poster

My fiance can't ride a bike!

74 replies

shelldockley · 16/04/2012 09:56

I have been with my OH for 3.5 years, and I just found this out, I feel like he's dropped a bombshell! This is just the latest in a line of things that he can't do or is afraid of:
He can't swim - is afraid of the water
He can't drive - after an accident as a teenage passenger
He has a fear of flying - claustrophobia comes into this
He can't do train travel either - claustrophobia again
He can't do boats - fear of the water again.
He can't ride a bike...
I can't help but feel angry towards his parents for bringing up their child without such basic skills, and also passing on their own fears and insecurities on to him - they won't fly either. I know I wasn't there so I can't know what went on, but I can't help but blame them. Would anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
Agincourt · 16/04/2012 11:23

my nephew will be the OP fiance and I agree, I think it's actually awful of the parents to keep a child so cosseted

Eurostar · 16/04/2012 11:32

That's good that he is having CBT, don't expect much after 3 sessions. He may well have to continue privately as NHS therapy may be too time-limited for him but the approach will probably help him. Sorry to hear he spent a fortune on the wrong kind of therapy before this. NICE guidelines are that phobias are best treated with CBT.

Do his parents also not travel by plane etc?

Original poster
shelldockley · 16/04/2012 11:39

I've been through the dyspraxia checklist and not many of those symptoms seem to apply to him. Thankyou for all the helpful comments so far though.

Eurostar, no, his parents will not travel by plane at all, although I'm not sure about boats.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 16/04/2012 11:52

I've had CBT (for differnet reasons) and I think I had about a dozen sessions all told. It had a very good effect on me.

Was he afraid to the point of being phobic as a child? Did his parents think that not forcing him to do things that scared him was actually the best approach? Once a phobia has become really deep rooted it the solution really isn't as simple as 'if he really wanted to do X, he would.' And it sounds like he really is trying to overcome his fears.

I agree with another poster - in other respects he sounds like a lovely partner - if the CBT doesn't help him (and do stay optimistic, it might well do) you might have to find ways to live 'around' his phobias - like you mentioned, separate hols etc. He doesn't sound a bad man at all, he's just different Smile

Original poster
shelldockley · 16/04/2012 12:03

Thankyou pollyblue, you're right it's not just a matter of just getting on and doing things, he has a deep-rooted fears. To be honest, I don't know if he has a fear of cycling, or whether he just never learnt, I'm not sure of what his parents did or didn't do to help him.

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/04/2012 12:23

TBH, I wouldn't blame his parents. At least not solely.

It's more likely that there may be genetic factors involved as well.

My 7 yo son is very cautious (let's say) and it's not for lack of encouragement.
He is getting better.
He can certainly ride a bike, although it took him a while to gain confidence. And he is learning to swim, but still can't float on his back.

His cousin is a daredevil and it's not for lack of trying to control him. He just doesn't seem to know fear, or be able to assess the possible consequences.

You could have a husband who knew no fear and you would be complaining that you were always in fear for his life. Wink

Anyway, I hope he gets better with CBT.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 16/04/2012 12:27

It sounds as though he has major anxiety issues. ADs and other drugs could help alongside the therapy.

Lueji · 16/04/2012 12:27

Regarding holidays, you could drive around the UK/Ireland and mainland Europe, although it can be expensive.

Original poster
shelldockley · 16/04/2012 12:36

Thanks Lueji, I know it's wrong to cast blame, that was just my initial reaction and why I came on here to vent! You're right, people are different and I wasn't there to know what went on. I'm sure I would be complaining if he was the opposite as well! I do drive, so holidays in the UK are fine for now, need to work on getting him on a train or ferry before we get any further.

LesserofTwoWeevils, I'd like him to try ADs, all his problems relate to anxiety I'm sure. He has tried some kind of Valium (can't remember what it was called) before, but it didn't help his anxiety, if anything they made him feel spaced out and even less in control.

OP posts:
OneHandFlapping · 16/04/2012 12:39

Boringnickname I think it's possible to like the man, while finding some of his limitations hard to live with.

The lack of any form of acceptable transport would bother me. It makes it almost impossible to go anywhere together. What can you do with a man like that apart from stay at home and watch DVDs? Which might suit some partners, but perhaps not the OP.

mouldyironingboard · 16/04/2012 12:39

Would you rather be with a decent man who is respectful and honest towards you or have a partner who swims, cycles, drives and travels on a plane?

I can't ride a bike (just couldn't stay upright on it without injuring myself or others in the process), hated swimming, get terribly seasick and can only drive an automatic car for short journeys (not on motorways). I can't say that any of the above has held me back in life.

Cheerstothefrickenweekend · 16/04/2012 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffiphlox · 16/04/2012 12:41

What the blithering crikey do you do with him (ie together) in your spare time, on holiday etc?

TheFeministsWife · 16/04/2012 12:50

I can't ride a bike, was never interested as a child.
I can't swim, something I wish I could do, but my mum who also can't swim didn't think it was a necessary life skill that me or my sister needed to learn, as she did all right without it. Hmm Now I feel to ashamed to actually learn to swim as an adult.
I can't legally drive, as in I can drive but keep failing both my theory and practical tests (and have been for the past 10 years Blush).
I also hate going on boats as I get terribly sea sick. Blush

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 16/04/2012 12:50

So basically you can only go anywhere if you drive him, right?

Sorry, but I would not be prepared to throw my lot in with someone where the only way we could go more than 300 miles from home would be for me to drive for 6 hours.

You only get one life.

Original poster
shelldockley · 16/04/2012 13:26

Would you rather be with a decent man who is respectful and honest towards you or have a partner who swims, cycles, drives and travels on a plane?

I want to be with him for the wonderful man he is, these things will not put me off him, the fact that he has been trying so hard to conquer his fears since he has been with me are enough to prove how amazing he is.

I drive, we have been on lots of holidays together in the UK, he is not agoraphobic or anything, he can go out by himself, he can get a bus or a cab, he is capable, it's just the train and planes that he can't do (or bikes).

OP posts:
wellwisher · 16/04/2012 13:27

Just as well you don't want to have babies because it sounds like you've already got one! Sorry, but he sounds like a total wuss. Just being unable to drive is a really bad look for a man, let alone all the other stuff you've mentioned... I love travelling too and if someone was unable to share that with me because they were too scared to get on a plane, that would be a dealbreaker.

HellonHeels · 16/04/2012 14:01

Three sessions of CBT is early days. When my friend did it for fear of flying it took a fairly long period of time and she had "homework" to do as well. I admire her hugely for completing the process, it takes guts and determination and bravery to go through with it; hope your fiance has a good outcome.

Stuff like swimming and biking doesn't really matter and lots of people get on OK without driving, but train, plane, boat is a much bigger issue so do hope the CBT helps him.

ThePinkPussycat · 16/04/2012 15:15

You could look for a good NLP therapist, the Fast Phobia cure really works, and the therapist will check that the secondary gains of having phobias are dealt with.

madonnawhore · 16/04/2012 15:20

I love to travel so I'd find him incredibly frustrating to be with. But if he's taking steps to address his fears then that's a really positive step.

Oddly I was just chatting with someone at work who was saying how he'd always wanted to go to Australia but his wife has forbidden it because there are deadly spiders there.

I think it's such a shame when people's phobias spill over and start prohibiting other peoples' lives too.

And I say that as someone with a phobia.

Original poster
shelldockley · 16/04/2012 15:28

He has tried NLP pinkpusscat and he said it wasn't for him. It's always hard to know with these things whether it's due to a particularly rubbish therapist or if it's just not suited. He has spent over £1000 on various different things in the past few years.

He knows how much it affects my life and, he feels guilty about this:(

OP posts:
izzyizin · 16/04/2012 15:30

Here's the blurb: "Since 1997, the highly acclaimed Virgin Atlantic ?Flying Without Fear? programme has been the LEADING course in the industry having helped 2-3,000 people every year, just like you, to overcome their fear of flying. Men, women and children from 6 years old up to 84 (oldest so far!) with fears ranging from mild anxiety to complete terror have all been helped by us and are now flying"

This programme works! Book him a place - you can accompany him on the short flight part of the programme - and start looking at holidays to exotic or far flung destinations, although maybe a weekend in Paris would be a good start...

Phobia clinics and hypnotherapy produce good results too. Once he's overcome one fear, he may find that the remainder disappear and he becomes someone who is up for exploring all of the diverse experiences that life has to offer for those who are willing to travel by any means.

Alternatively, what's he like with horses? A week spent in a traditional gypsy caravan comes to mind Grin

Original poster
shelldockley · 16/04/2012 15:33

izzy, he's already booked himself on that course! The next one in July! I have my fingers crossed. I didn't know that I would be allowed to join him on the flight part though, I'll have to get him to look into that because he would rather I was there with him.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 16/04/2012 15:47

Also from the blurb: 'This is the part of the course where you can bring a friend or companion with you for support. This is the ?flight only? option costing £100 + VAT which you can book direct through the office on 01423 714900'

He'll be up, up, and away... and you can fly with him Grin

Bennifer · 16/04/2012 15:52

I guiltily have to say he sounds like a nightmare. If it was one or two things on the list, I'd be ok with it, but all of them ... crikey.

That said, you've got three options

a) Stick with him as he is, and accept a limited life
b) Stick with him but help him to change - and if he does get help, I think if you only focus on the cycling, the swimming, the water, the flying, the driving, etc, you're only changing superficial things - it does sound as if there's something deeper, bigger anxiety problems that need addressing
c) end it, you only live one life