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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What can I do about my unhelpful husband?

97 replies

vcw · 27/11/2003 14:21

I have two boys (6mths and 21mths)whom I look after full-time. I was happy to give up my career to bring them up. However, since becoming a housewife my husband has made no attempt to help with anything domestic (not that he did much before).

My husband leaves for work at 7.30am and if I am lucky he is back by 8pm, but two to three days per week he is out until the early hours marketing. He irons his own shirts and will look after the kids for 2-3hrs at the weekend. He won't get up in the night because he says he will be too tired for work the next day. I have tried to ask him to help more on several occasions and he says he will try harder. Nothing has happened.

He has complained that I don't respect him and that I don't appreciate how hard he has to work. He says that his job requires him to put in long hours. We can't afford much help and neither of our families are willing to assist regularly.

I did go back to work part-time when my eldest was 7mths but my husband considered that my choice and therefore my responsibility to sort out childcare and housework etc on top. He considers his career more important than mine because he earns more money.

As we have two boys I think it is particularly important for my husband to be actively involved in bringing them up. I do not think he is setting them a very good example. Often when he looks after them he just watches sport on TV and falls asleep on the sofa.

I am at the end of my tether and don't know what to do. My husband thinks that women want it all these days and that is not possible. Surely it is not too much to ask for a bit of support and have the ability to work part-time so that you can watch your kids grow up?

OP posts:

fio2 · 27/11/2003 14:25

I could be you! But I do feel like I have took a more traditional role and so has my husband. So I feel he most probably is tired and so am I but the kids will not always be little. Sorry not much help, but you cant really do much about it. I think when men are the sole breadwinners it makes them feel like they have to give their jobs 100% because we are relying on them. Does he make an effort at the weekend? I feel because my dh is good at a weekend it makes up for in the week. I am going to get slaughtered for this post!

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:27

I get up in the night and my dh watches sport but with the boys - he really does work harder than me

he does take them swimming every sunday and they always refer to this as the best thing that he does - he is a lovely dh and fab father

fio2 · 27/11/2003 14:32

I forgot to add my dh is a fab husband and father too

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:32

I think what he does is reasonable

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:32

(yours vcw)

SenoraPostrophe · 27/11/2003 14:35

Oh no, that's not on.

I don't particularly consider the responsibility split in our household to be fair, but dp does accept that dd (and as-yet-unborn ds) are also his responsibility and he pays for nursery.

So don't really know what to suggest, but here's a couple of things:

you could make a conscious effort to have more family time at weekends - trips to the park etc. Hard on you, as it sounds like you also need a break, but may help you all to feel better about things?

is money split fairly, or does he get more pocket money because he's the earner? If the latter then I think you should really push for a contribution towards child-care or at least a cleaner.

Go on cooking/washing up strike?

Original poster

vcw · 27/11/2003 14:37

I am slightly surprised that what you think my husband does is reasonable but you might be right. Maybe I am not being realistic expecting him to do any housework or paperwork.

OP posts:

fio2 · 27/11/2003 14:37

surely if you are not earning you should have a joint bank account?

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:38

I do housework - he does garden, cars loft shed diy - a tradtitonal but useful split

Northerner · 27/11/2003 14:38

Hi VCW, this is not probably what you want to hear but I think what he does it pretty reasonable too. At least you are getting a couple of hours to yourself at the weekend. I hope you are using this free time to relax and not go food shopping etc. Have a manicure or meet friends for lunch. I reckon being a Mum makes us feel resentful sometimes towards our dp's/dh's as they can sort of 'opt out' of parenting when they are tired, eg 'I'm not bathing him tonight there's something on TV I want to watch' or 'I'm not getting up with him I've got work in the morning' Where as us Mums have no choice but to get on with it! So it's only natural we have a moan now and again. If you want your hubby to offer to help more he never will, you'll really have to demand it!

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:38

Oh he does paperwork too

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:39

Have you a good social life vcw - whther in the pm or during the day?

StressyHead · 27/11/2003 14:40

message withdrawn

Original poster

vcw · 27/11/2003 14:40

I just don't understand when I agreed to look after everything except bringing in the money. I would happily contribute if I had a chance and can't bear being financially dependent.

I sort out all the money because he can't control his spending and is always in debt. At least this way I make sure the bills are paid.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 27/11/2003 14:40

Vcw, I'm confused - do you work part-time or are you a SAHM? Either way, I think he should be doing more. You are working 7 days a week, quite unreasonable hours (including night work) and he isn't. And yes, he's bringing in money but you are doing all the domestic and childcare labour.

Coddy and fio2, I think the two of you do a much tougher job than me - that's why I don't do it.

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:41

good for you

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:41

Its lovely - w e have been out to play group and then did lunch and shopping - he is playing, baby sleeping - I am on here

Its not that hard

fio2 · 27/11/2003 14:43

mine is sleeping too. I dont have much choice about working at the moment because my dh is away from sunday evening til friday evening. My dd has sn aswell which makes things a bit more complicated. I did used to resent it but it has got alot easier.

aloha · 27/11/2003 14:44

I think if you want to work, then childcare should be something you fund on a joint basis - they are both your children after all. His hours do sound punishing - esp if he doesn't earn much. Will he be able to work less if you work more? I think that's a fairer split and probably better for your family - but that's just my opinion.

Blu · 27/11/2003 14:44

VCW: is it possible that you are BOTH feeling resentful in this situation: you because he does not appear to value or respect your work outside the home, and him because he appears to have very little time to enjoy anything about his home and family!

He does seem to work very long hours, and to be honest I am not surprised that he is tired at weekends. I am also not surprised if you are missing the sense of external praise and achievement that comes with an outside job, but is preciously thin on the ground for SAH parents. What would happen if you got into the habit of praising him for working so hard, and being sympathetic that poor thing he never gets to spend quality time with the kids? He might reciprocate with praise for the way you manage the kids and household so well...and think about how he COULD spend more quality time.In your heart of hearts, would you LIKE to go out to work p/t again? If so, go for it when the time feels right and do it for YOU. After all, it is a BENEFIT to have a partner who does earn enough to cover the whole families expense if needs be, and a nice fallback position if you do want to stop working.

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:45

whereas dh drove from Brum to manch then 5 hours home yest then is at work today and often wont get home till 8 and thats good

he is under tremendous pressure (IT sales) and is always ont he go - often abroad too

Original poster

vcw · 27/11/2003 14:45

I agree that I need to look on the more positive side of things and I am lucky to be able to stay at home full time.

Probably part of the problem is that we live on the third floor with no lift and 10 steps to get in the front door (where I have to collapse my double buggy or the neighbours complain). Neither of the boys walk upstairs and so it is physically very tiring.

OP posts:

aloha · 27/11/2003 14:45

And I agree with Motherinferior. His hours are punishing but you seem to be expected to work 24/7

oliveoil · 27/11/2003 14:46

If I worked f/t then I would expect dh to split the house stuff but I work p/t so don't mind doing more. If I was a SAHM mum, then I would do all the house stuff.

I also get up in the night if dh is working the next day, we take turns when we are both working the next day.

codswallop · 27/11/2003 14:46

I also believ that men need to have a hobby/sport so that its not just work/kids all the time - My dh goes to the pub a couple of times a week and used to play rugby too

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