Well, vcw, I just started reading through this book, Wifework by Susan Maushart to see if I could find some statistics for you but then it occurred to me that actually, you don't need them! We all know that women, whether they work outside the home or are SAHMs, do the bulk of the domestic drudgery and childcare in most marriages. My view is that this is blatantly unfair. I really dislike the idea that SAHPs have a lovely easy life and that it isn't 'work' somehow in the way that other jobs are. I also dislike the phrase "doesn't work/not working" being used to describe SAHPS since being a SAHP is work! I can't believe that anyone thinks otherwise actually. Here are just a few of the tasks a SAHP might carry out:
- Shopping for food and other essentials (with child/ren in tow)
- Cooking/preparing at least 3 meals a day
- Cleaning the house
- Keeping children alive, happy, entertained (the first being particularly important)
- Washing, ironing (if you do it)
Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't do ANY of that for fun, except playing with children, which can sometimes be fun. Although The Wheels on The Bloody Bus can piss you off a bit the 100th time.
Bringing up children is vital and important work and can be difficult. Agreed, it is poorly paid, low status work because (possibly) it is work mainly carried out by women but men have been getting away with the kind of behaviour vcw describes for far too long IMO. And in some ways, who can blame them? If I had a willing slave at home who took the view that what I did outside the house in an office for 60 hours a week was more important than what s/he did at home 168 hours a week (including on call hours if your partner Doesn't Do Nights) and therefore let me sit on my arse the minute I got in maybe I'd let him/her get on with it too! (I'd like to think I wouldn't though and that my sense of fairness would win over)
Add to this the fact that many men have been brought up by women who didn't ask anything of them domestically and you?ve got gross domestic inequality. Because their mothers thought their men were very important they didn't expect them to do any washing, cooking or cleaning and did it for them. They expected that wives would later take over where they left off and as a result some men even believe they are incapable of looking after themselves! Many of us have/had fathers with these views and swore we wouldn't marry the same kind of men.
Vcw, following on from his comment about your not respecting him, I would respectfully suggest that he doesn't respect YOU and doesn't appreciate how hard YOU work bringing up the children who are your joint responsibility.
I also disagree strongly with Northerner when she says "as mums we have no choice but to get on with it" - we do have a choice! We can say NO, I will not put up with this, I did not agree to this, they are your children too. Women collude and perpetuate this vile inequality every time we let men get away with this behaviour IMO. And I'm NOT saying it's women's fault, just that we have to do something towards stopping it if we don't like it. If you like it, that's a different matter of course.
I have done both (SAHM and working outside the home) and I do think, for me, working outside the home was easier. But this is because I've always had a partner who's pulled his weight and we've paid for help to do the work we don?t want to do i.e cleaning. I also really liked being able to go to the loo on my own
I think in a lot of cases like this the answer is to let these men look after their own children on their own for a week (or preferably two) so they see first hand how exhausting, time consuming and thankless it can be. While you're at it, in situations like yours vcw, I'd take away access to money and bank accounts so they can fully appreciate the lack of power and status that goes with the job they're expecting a SAHM to do.
One last point - I keep meaning to quantify, financially, a SAHP's contribution to his/her family. I will post it when I've done it (if I ever get around to it) but it occurs to me that what she (and it is usually she) provides is:
- 24 hour, 365 cover for a family's children, awake and asleep. So the £ value should be calculated as on-call night cover for half of that.
- A 24/7 nanny service. Anyone who actually WAS a nanny would work only 8-6pm ish however and would expect to take (paid) holiday several times a year. When she was taking this holiday she wouldn?t expect to be responsible for her employer's children. She also wouldn?t expect to have to wash, cook and clean in the same way as usual.
- A cleaning service. Many of you say you can't afford a cleaner but the work outside the home father can if his SAH wife does it! And she usually does the washing! And the shopping! And the ironing! Blimey, actually she's a housekeeper/concierge service! Actually, come to think of it, sex is provided in there too (tongue in my cheek at this point...)
My calculations will also factor in loss of earnings. Vcw, you gave up your full time job when you agreed to stay at home with the children, so factor that in too. So far my loss of earnings from being a SAHM are well into six figures. This is pure salary loss, so doesn?t include the fact that I?d have to take a reduced salary on returning, loss of company pension and other benefits etc etc etc. So actually, double that, it's almost certainly going to be over £1m by the time I've finished. For other people it'll be more.
OK, I'll shut the f* up now and hope I haven't offended anyone. All IMO of course and vcw, feel free to ignore me. Sorry if this post isn't very constructive but it's just my view and I don't particularly expect people to agree with me.
If you've made it this far, Sobernow wrote an amusing account of her day as a SAHM here Right, I'm off for a lie down...