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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm going to start an affair.

75 replies

ineedhelp1 · 15/04/2012 22:06

I've name changed.
I adore my husband, he's perfect. We've just been away for the weekend and he's so kind and carung.
I can't give him children. I thought I was dealing with this well but I've had issues recently and I know I'm in free fall. I can feel myself losing my grip. My good friends and dh have supported me throughout. I've lost weight but hate my body now.
An old friend contacted me asking if I was ok. I told him what was happening. He said to come round. I know what he neans. I don't want to hurt my wonderful dh but I can't stop myself.
I can see all the reasons but cant stop.
Please help

OP posts:

scentednappyhag · 15/04/2012 22:10

Didn't want to read and run,
You say you're having issues etc at the moment, have you seen a gp?
Your friend may well just mean to go over as a friend, what has made you think otherwise?
More knowledgable people will be along shortly I'm sure.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 15/04/2012 22:11

ineedhelp, don't do anything rash. Please take a while to look after yourself and deal with your issues. Have you considered having counselling to deal with your feelings?

You can stop yourself. From the sound of your post you feel like shit, don't make things worse by hurting yourself and your DH.

Massive un-mnetty hugs to you ((((HUGS))))

Doha · 15/04/2012 22:12

Yes you can stop yourself if you really want to.

Although you are hurting l am sure your DH is hurting just as much at the thought of not having a family with you.
There are other methods to have a family although not biologically your own.
Your DH has been supportive yet you are going to see this supposed friend for a quick shag. How classy.
If you do l hope yoir DH finds out and dumps you like a ton of bricks.
You are being utterly selfish and pathetic.

animula · 15/04/2012 22:16

do you think it is indeed time to hither thee to a GP?

Even from the little you've posted here, it sounds as though you are a little emotionally overwhelmed and setting yourself up for a bout of self-hating self-destructive behaviour. Is this putative affair going to be you setting yourself up for something self-destructive rather than self and other loving?

You might get more out of counselling, support groups and even anti-depressants in the long run than an affair. You might not. But your OP sounds very unsure that this is going to be good for you.

rightchoice · 15/04/2012 22:16

Try to fast forward a week, a month a year, and look back. How will having an affair seem then. Try it and see because foresight is much kinder than hindsight. Tread carefully.x

Ktmacca4 · 15/04/2012 22:17

This is the path to self destruction, and you know it.
This is because, at the minute, you are feeling so low that you think you are not worthy of all the love and support your friends and DH are giving you. You say you hate yourself, so you are acting as if you are worthless.
You are NOT WORTHLESS. You need to speak to your DH and tell him what you are feeling. This 'old friend' does NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS at heart. Your DH does. your friends do. Ask them to contact this fucking chancer old friend and tell him to fucking back off that you do not need his help at this time EVER .
You are FABULOUS, you've just forgotten how to BE fabulous. It will come back. But your fabulousness is not going to be found in another man's bed.

FluffStar · 15/04/2012 22:17

You can stop this.

You're trying to give your DH am excuse to leave you, an easy, guilt-free way out of the relationship.

He doesn't want one - he wants you.

unfloopy · 15/04/2012 22:18

I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it. Are you feeling numb? Do you want to have an affair? Or are you going into self destruct, doing something bad to make your husband leave you so you don't 'make him' stay with you, do you think you don't deserve him (I'm sure you do, just when we feel bad, we tell ourselves all kinds of things)? How is the marriage otherwise?

This friend isn't a good friend if this is his 'being there' for you. There's sympathy sex for a single friend whose fed up; there's making a married 'friend's' problems ten times worse.

I would urge you seek some other support, a counsellor or something to help with what you are going through. You are mourning a life you had planned, that's huge - please be kind to yourself.

Original poster

ineedhelp1 · 15/04/2012 22:18

I know that's what he means, he's intimated it before. I thought I was dealing with things well. I've let dh down so much already not being able to give him children. I am pathetic your right. I don't deserve him even thinking about it.

OP posts:

Ktmacca4 · 15/04/2012 22:19

Fluffstar, that's bang on the money.

animula · 15/04/2012 22:20

Thinking about this a little more .. I think you need to talk about how you're feeling in your relationship. Do you, in fact, really want to leave? Is he so perfect? Are you angry? Why? Do you need time by yourself? Do you need time to think through what dreams and ideals you think you may have lost and what you need to replace them with? do you feel trapped? What do you want, really, from your life?

izzyizin · 15/04/2012 22:21

How would you feel if the dh you 'adore' had an affair because he was told he can't give you children?

unfloopy · 15/04/2012 22:22

Ineedhelp you are human.

You haven't let anyone down yet. You are vulnerable now.

animula · 15/04/2012 22:23

I'll bet your GP can put you in touch with an infertility/subfertility support group. Those feelings are, I suspect, very common. And the fact they are quite common doesn't make them any less intense or difficult - just that others may have found pathways through them, and left maps for other people.

mirry2 · 15/04/2012 22:23

ineedhelp-you are not worthless; you are in emotional pain and out of your depth. Do you really think that having an affair will make it any easier for your dh? don't do anything rash and definitely don't go and see your 'freind' until you've thought the whole thing through calmly. It really isn't a solution.

I don't know why you can't have children naturally but there are lots of different ways. Do you think your husband would prefer not to be married to you?Have you discussed it with him?

Original poster

ineedhelp1 · 15/04/2012 22:24

He is perfect and lovely, but I know I've messed it up not being able to give him children. All his family are shit. They all have affairs. What the fuck am I doing even thinking off having sex with someone else. I feel like I'm too different people. The copibg happy one, and then this one.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 15/04/2012 22:26

Why have you been told that you 'can't' have children?

piprabbit · 15/04/2012 22:32

Someone who knows you are hurting and vulnerable, decides that it is the perfect moment to have sex with you? Sounds like he is a horrible person who will only add to your hurt.

Please listen to the other posters who have suggested alternative ways of getting help and support while you are going through this.

AnyFucker · 15/04/2012 22:39

this OM is not your "friend", he would destroy you for a shag

stay away from him

talk to your husband

I am really sorry you are hurting so much, I can empathise

AnyFucker · 15/04/2012 22:39

this isn't the way though, truly it isn't

Original poster

ineedhelp1 · 15/04/2012 22:43

I know its not, I don't know why im even thinking it. He doesn't deserve it. I just want to be wanted without bagage. I'm shit.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/04/2012 22:45

you are not shit

your H wants you, dc or no dc

what does your H say ?

Original poster

ineedhelp1 · 15/04/2012 22:49

He says he wants me to be hapiy, that we will. Have a family one day. That we can adopt. But that we both need to cone to terms first. That we need to enjoy our life til it happens rather tgan existibg til it does.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 15/04/2012 22:49

It's not possible to travel through life without collecting some baggage along the way, but if you start shagging another man you'll need a pantechnicon to store your regret and angst and sorrow and self-hatred and that vehicle will follow you for the rest of your days.

izzyizin · 15/04/2012 22:50

Let's get down to basics... what is the problem and is IVF an option?

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