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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Such a mess: a cautionary tale

75 replies

bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 11:08

My world is falling apart and it's all my fault. I was happy with DH until I fell in love with my best friend, who I've known for years but had never thought about in that way. Suddenly I realised I loved him, and I made the stupid mistake of telling him. He said he loved me too.

I dithered for months about whether to leave DH, because I still loved him and it was all such a risk and I didn't want to make the wrong decision. It put my friend through a lot because of all my back and forth, but he told me he'd wait. He told me he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. But by the time I made a decision, after telling me all along how much he wanted me he did a complete 180 and changed his mind. He won't go back. He said all along he wanted kids - which I really want - and then suddenly realised he didn't, and for that reason, he said there is no chance for us.

So now I'm in a situation where I can no longer stay in my marriage, because it has highlighted all the things that are missing, and I've realised I can't live without those things, and there's no chance of getting them with DH, and yet I have lost my soulmate because I waited too long. I told DH a few days ago I wanted to leave. He is bereft, and I am grieving for my marriage and for my soulmate. I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go - emotionally or practically. My DH is a wonderful man but he can't give me what I need. I don't think I will ever find it again.

I'm sure nobody on here is as stupid as I have been, but please, please, if you have feelings for someone else while you're in a relationship, don't voice them. If I hadn't I might never have known what I was missing, but now I do and I can't go back.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 11:14

What was wrong with your marriage?

izzyizin · 14/04/2012 11:21

Soulmates, schmoulmates!

O come on. If your 'friend' was truly one of your umpteen soulmates who have chosen to incarnate on this planet at the same time as yourself, he wouldn't be a player who dumps the prize as soon as they've won it.

Out of curiousity, did you believe that your dh was your soulmate when you married him?

Smum99 · 14/04/2012 11:21

How old are you? I would say that rather than not voice feelings for someone else you need to find out what is driving those feelings through counselling. I suspect the 'soulmate' wouldnt have been Mr Perfect in the end..harsh as it sounds I think most of us can relate to those strong feelings..I have a theory that's it's actually caused by an adrenalin rush which is also a warning that the relationship isn't right.

Don't rush any decisions, give yourself and your dh space and talk to a counsellor.

Abitwobblynow · 14/04/2012 11:23

he can't give me what I need.

What is it that you need? What does your DH not give?

What will you never find again?

Answer this, and you will be half way there.

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2012 11:25

He's NOT your soulmate, clearly.

Original poster
bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 12:05

I didn't think DH was my soulmate - suppose I didn't really think they existed. I just loved him more than anything. But I've got frustrated at him not being able to understand me over the years (we've been together ten). It was never enough to be a dealbreaker, because of the other good bits, an because I think it's unreasonable to expect perfection. I'm under no illusions that my friend is perfect - one of the reasons I dithered so long. But I've realised now that being able to talk to someone properly is the main thing for me, and that's what I don't have.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 14/04/2012 12:08

What doesn't your dh understand about you?

Have you tried talking to him 'properly'?

izzyizin · 14/04/2012 12:10

Have you been shagging the wanker your 'best friend'?

jesuswhatnext · 14/04/2012 12:17

sorry lovely, if we all left our dhs because we felt they couldnt talk to us there would be an epidemic of divorces! you say you loved him 'more than anything' so he cant be that bad!

oh and btw, real 'best friends' are just that, best friends, not lovers!

doormat · 14/04/2012 12:17

i agree with everyone else here..if he was ya soulmate he wouldnt of dumped ya...seems to me you are yearning for something you and your dh once had and have lost in the depths of the 10yrs you have been together....why dont you try and rekindle some of the fire bk in your marriage, x

Original poster
bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 12:18

No, I haven't.

I've tried talking to him. I've told him exactly what I need, over and over. He is trying, and so am I, but it just doesn't work. I just can't talk to him very easily. I can't talk to anyone now because my friend hates me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 12:19

X posted - the no I haven't was in response to izzy's question.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 12:21

Doormat - the problem was I never had it with DH

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 14/04/2012 12:24

Also, rather dully, agreeing with everyone else. It's all very exciting thinking you have found a soulmate - but you haven't. You have already discovered a huge difference.

Heswall · 14/04/2012 12:25

If you've never had it then what exactly have you lost ? You and your x DH now have the opportunity to get out there and find the one.

izzyizin · 14/04/2012 12:26

You've said that at the time you married, you loved your dh 'more than anything' which suggests that there must have been a spark if not an all-out blaze of passion.

What exactly is it you need? What was your friend giving you that you weren't getting from your marriage?

GlitterPunk · 14/04/2012 12:33

but why does your best friend hate you? he dumped you

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2012 12:55

smum, you are very right about the adrenalin thing. There is something very exciting in the 'forbidden'. I'm sure once it was all out in the open and a legitimate relationship, most of the 'soulmate'/ 'in love' feelings would have gone. Just don't make that mistake again, OP. And perhaps try and remember what it was about your dh that made you marry him in the first place. Love is more than being 'in love'.

ilovemyteddy · 14/04/2012 12:57

Banana you need to think long and hard about the question that some posters are asking you - what was your friend giving you that you weren't getting from your marriage? As jesuswhatnext said there would be an epidemic of divorces if we all left our DHs because we felt they couldn't talk to us!

So many people think that affairs only happen in unhappy marriages, and that just isn't true. I have had two affairs and was and still am, happily married to my DH. The problems were not with my marriage, but with me.

What happens is that the cheater finds things to blame in their marriage in order to give themselves permission to cheat on their unsuspecting partner. Is that what happened to you?

Your 'soulmate' sounds like a complete twat to be honest. He 'suddenly realised he wanted kids'? Far more likely is that he enjoyed the thrill of the chase and then, having got you where he wanted you, he lost interest.

Some soulmate. Some best friend.

Original poster
bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 13:02

He says he had moved on because I'd Sao I was staying with DH - which I'd said three times before, because I thought it was the right thing to do, but every time he had fallen apart and I had caved because it wasn't really what I wanted. It took a long time for me to get my head round dealing with the fallout and the practicalities - but when I eventually did he had already loved on. I naively thought he'd wait because he had done every other time. I was stupid and I took him for granted and I took my DH for granted too, but now that I know what it's like to be understood by someone so well, and to talk to them so easily, I feel like I can't be without it. I didn't realise it was so important to me and I didn't realise it was possible for it to happen to that degree.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 13:04

He hates me because he says I have no right to be angry - but I can't help it because I feel he fought to get me to this point and now he doesn't care that I am, and I can't go back.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 14/04/2012 13:05

Even the being able to talk/ understand thing is part of the adrenalin. I remember my friend being convinced she'd found 'the one' because they stayed up all night talking on the phone. It was a slightly forbidden situation too (not involving marriage though). I was a bit Hmm, seeing as I am 10 years older! But I think everyone needs to learn their own lessons. Suffice to say, she gave up a lot for him, and then under a year later, it didn't work out.

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2012 13:07

banana, what is the timescale on all this? How long did he wait for you? How did he move on?

AKissIsNotAContract · 14/04/2012 13:07

Sounds like 'soulmate' only wanted you when he couldn't have you. As soon as you were available he lost interest.

However, it's pretty unhealthy to jump from one relationship straight to another. Were you very young when you married? If you are certain your marriage is over then some time on your own would be a good idea.

bringbacksideburns · 14/04/2012 13:15

Well then you need to end your marriage. Your poor DH.

Whilst you two pontificate about 'soulmates', when you were in a friendship for years where you didn't see him in that way and then suddenly fall in love, (?) your DH could be out there now rebuilding his life and meeting someone who does want to be with him for all the right reasons.

This friend was never a Soulmate, if he was he would have been honest with you years ago, and he would want children too. I think you are kidding yourself.

The kindest thing to do is let your DH go - and get rid of the other man too.