Such a mess: a cautionary tale

[bananacrepe]

My world is falling apart and it's all my fault. I was happy with DH until I fell in love with my best friend, who I've known for years but had never thought about in that way. Suddenly I realised I loved him, and I made the stupid mistake of telling him. He said he loved me too.

I dithered for months about whether to leave DH, because I still loved him and it was all such a risk and I didn't want to make the wrong decision. It put my friend through a lot because of all my back and forth, but he told me he'd wait. He told me he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. But by the time I made a decision, after telling me all along how much he wanted me he did a complete 180 and changed his mind. He won't go back. He said all along he wanted kids - which I really want - and then suddenly realised he didn't, and for that reason, he said there is no chance for us.

So now I'm in a situation where I can no longer stay in my marriage, because it has highlighted all the things that are missing, and I've realised I can't live without those things, and there's no chance of getting them with DH, and yet I have lost my soulmate because I waited too long. I told DH a few days ago I wanted to leave. He is bereft, and I am grieving for my marriage and for my soulmate. I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go - emotionally or practically. My DH is a wonderful man but he can't give me what I need. I don't think I will ever find it again.

I'm sure nobody on here is as stupid as I have been, but please, please, if you have feelings for someone else while you're in a relationship, don't voice them. If I hadn't I might never have known what I was missing, but now I do and I can't go back.

World - what you described really resonates with me. Couldn't have put it better myself. If you have a deep connection and feel greater love and passion with someone it can shine a bright old light on big issues that might be lurking in your r-ship with your dp.

I think people who are unfaithful need to look at what was lacking in them personally that led to their choice to cheat rather than assuming it was all about what they 'lacked' in their relationship or what was lacking in their partners. Best not to make the same mistake twice and make that choice instead of all the other possibilities i.e. talking to a partner to work things out, leaving the marriage - or realising that actually none of it had anything to do with the relationship and the affair happened because of unresolved issues about oneself. I rarely see a woman who's got the self-awareness to admit she had an affair because she was selfish, wanted an ego boost or just fancied a shag with someone else - there's always an excuse that blames someone else and statistically that cannot be true for all unfaithful women.

I totally agree sternface - can you imagine if i had posted a thread that described my DP vascillating between me and and his "best friend" FFS.

OP, do you have children? Are you sure you didn't just like the attention of your "best friend"?

Sorry, but your DH deserves better.

Sternface I totally agree with you, and from my own experience selfishness, an ego boost and fancying a shag with someone else were exactly the reasons I cheated on my DH.

But blaming your relationship is so much easier than facing up to the truth about yourself, which is why so many unfaithful spouses do it. That's not to say, of course, that there aren't people in unhappy marriages who cheat. But I think it's so often a smokescreen which one can hide behind rather than face the real issues.

So agree with Sternface.And as for Worlds shaman lover awakening 'love and passion' in her isn't that more a case of the excitement created by a new and secretive relationship?Or am a being a tad cynical.

The kind of person that zeroes in on somebody who is in an obviously unhappy place is to be swerved

it's never going to be "love's young dream" is it ?

I realise that my last post was a bit blunt. Obviously people post from their own experiences and Sternface's post exactly said what happened to me when I cheated on DH.

But you are right WWW - there isn't always a bad guy when someone chooses to have an affair. My friend Littlehouseofcamellias is a case in point. She had a bad marriage, but also knew that she needed to do some work on herself, too.

Stargazy is also right about the excitement being created by a new and secretive relationship. The problem is that the two relationships - the primary one and the unfaithful one aren't being conducted on a level playing field. And both relationships are played out with such dishonesty which leaves the cheating spouse not knowing what is true and what isn't. It seems crazy to expect honesty from what is a dishonest relationship, but OM/OW often say and do things to keep the other person 'on-side' - whether it is being hyper-critical of their primary relationship, telling the other person that they are their soul-mate etc etc.

The OP definitely does deserve support for what is a difficult time for her. But support also means being honest with her, and I think that most posters have tried to do that.

she certainly is, and I do have sympathy for her that she didn't know this stuff before she threw a bomb into her life

You are right about the confusion and crazymaking feeling generated by the dual relationships Ilove and I think it's why little gives such good advice about being alone for a time afterwards.

How refreshing to see a woman tell it how it is. No excuses, no shit about being unhappy or neglected, just raw honesty about her motivations. Brave, honest woman Ilove.

People kid themselves all the time about why they got into bed with someone else. The worst kidders are the "I must have been unhappy only I didn't know it" brigade. How convenient an excuse. How much more comforting it is to put the blame on remarkably well-concealed unhappiness, rather than an overactive ego and libido combined. Well you can kid yourself for only so long that it's about external forces - and only until it happens again with the next partner, when some likely lad tries his luck and your ego needs massaging yet again. 'Know thyself' is a life-skill that is sadly under-valued and attained.

Shamen my arse. What tosh. What it comes down to is an age old combo of being bored with your relationship/life versus the evolutionary drive to have lots of sex Making it sound like some spiritual, predestined, fatalistic woo is utter utter bollix.

That wasn't directed at you op just the shamanwhatever notion.

Bravo Headin hands.Slept on this before posting but simply got to get this out.I daresay OW in my case felt my DH was her 'shaman' lover awakening feelings that her own DH and 'soulmate' as she called him didn't.Or was that just because he wouldn't book a holiday that year and wasn't switching his computer off and going to bed at thesame time as he was snowed under with work?Her words.And yes I spoke to her.Big mistake.Along with the apologies came heaps of self- justification.That only made me angrier at the time.
At least my DH had the honesty to admit it was a lot less to do with our marriage- in his words good and he was happy- and more to do with what was in his head and weakness in his personality.Only reason I stayed with him and worked things through.
Ilove you arespot on.It's not a level playing field for anyone.It wasn't for me when I knew nothing about the shiny,new flirtatious person at work no doubt presenting her best side on a daily basis.How do you 'conpete' with that?I told my DH to get on within if she was that appealing and he woke up fast.
OP this is not to make you feel more desperate.But you say your DH is a wonderful man and you were happy before your 'friend' came on the scene.Of course he's bereft.If like in my case it's come out of the blue he's probably in deep shock. Worldwithwingswings says her 'shaman' lover wasn't free and she went through so much pain realizing her marriage is over.Probably somewhere out there is his wife/partner going through 'so much' pain also?It not easy is it?But now your DH knows is there no chance of accepting you got messed up and got messed around and trying to work things out?What a shame to walk away from a man and a marriage that prior to this made you happy? don't be too harsh on yourself.You made a big mistake.But please don't go down the destiny 'shaman' lover route.Forgive yourself and learn from it.Sorry but that's just my jaded perspective.
All the best sorting things out.Go easy on yourself.Hug your DH hard if he will let you at mo.Above all be honest with yourself.Sorry this is long.In tears here.

Ps. Tears not for me.Just in general at how sad situations can be.Not sure sometimes in early days if Inneeded a divorce or HRT. Gone for neither in the end!

If you had decided 3 times to stay with DH, perhaps friend has backed off because he was not prepared to be rejected a 3rd time...looking at it from the flip side it rather looks like you rejected him every time you had him in your sights. TBH, I feel for both of these men, and I'd say you need some time on your own sorting out what YOU want in your life by yourself for a while.
You hedged your bets with two people's hearts, and kinda got justice for it, as rough as that is.

Sternface said: "How much more comforting it is to put the blame on remarkably well-concealed unhappiness, rather than an overactive ego and libido combined. Well you can kid yourself for only so long that it's about external forces - and only until it happens again with the next partner, when some likely lad tries his luck and your ego needs massaging yet again. 'Know thyself' is a life-skill that is sadly under-valued and attained."

Again I agree with this ^^

And again speaking from my own experience I felt that I must have been unhappy and tried to fix things in my marriage that didn't need fixing. And I had a second affair because I was blaming my marriage, rather than myself for my infidelity.

'Know thyself' is a much-under rated skill and very difficult to come to terms with. But IMHO and IME it needs to be done in order to stop the cycle of ego-boost/heartbreak and in order to be true to yourself and your loved ones. Stargazy I'm glad your DH had the self-awareness to recognise that your marriage was good and happy and that it was his personality that was at fault.

OP you are a good person who made a bad choice. Now you have the opportunity to make a good choice if your DH is willing to work with you to fix this. Many of us who have been unfaithful understand the 'soulmates' feelings that you get from the excitement of an affair. Many of us 'pick' an affair partner who is different to DH, and feel that they are giving us what DH doesn't. But it is all a fantasy, conducted in a heightened atmosphere of secrecy and lies.

IME the key to moving on and sorting this out is knowing what you want from a relationship and being honest about how you want to live your life by rediscovering your self-respect. As Stargazy says "forgive yourself and learn from it."

Teddy,

from my own experience selfishness, an ego boost and fancying a shag with someone else were exactly the reasons I cheated on my DH.

But blaming your relationship is so much easier than facing up to the truth about yourself, which is why so many unfaithful spouses do it. That's not to say, of course, that there aren't people in unhappy marriages who cheat. But I think it's so often a smokescreen which one can hide behind rather than face the real issues.

That kind of honesty and self-awareness needs to be applauded.

I didn't realise this was still going - I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to read before. I am also sorry I missed World's posts before she withdrew them. Thank you very much to everyone who has replied and I'll try to answer some of your points.

I spoke to DH at length. I denied anything going on - some of you may flame me for that, but the way I see it the only advantage would be to slightly alleviate my guilt and it would make him feel worse. I don't have children, incidentally. I did say I had relied on OM too much, and he on me, and that I knew I had to stop that. I felt so much better after talking to DH.

Unfortunately that lasted a matter of hours before doubts started creeping in again. OM has pretty much stopped contacting me, and replies very briefly to anything I send him. When I see him he is being 'normal' but hugely obviously careful to avoid anything that might 'give me hope'. I have gone from being at the top of his priority list to way, way down it in about a week. I am trying to talk to DH but I keep getting so frustrated that he still doesn't understand what I'm trying to say half the time. I am trying to spend time with him and I am trying SO hard not to think about OM but I just keep crying. I miss him.

Motivation was a mixture. I know that I enjoyed the ego boost - find me somebody who wouldn't admit to that when pushed. I have always found that while I get on with people well as a rule, and don't find it difficult to talk to anyone, I don't have any close friends. He gave me the feeling of being wanted, and it was more powerful because in my head my DH 'has' to want me (ie he's obliged because he's married to me...I know that doesn't make sense!), so it was a boost that somebody else did. The rejection now is doubly hard because he has rejected me as both a friend and as something more, and he is filling his life with all his friends he says he neglected before, where I have been left with nothing. My job doesn't allow time for going out to meet new people, and I don't really have any friends. I don't know if he has truly moved on in this ridiculously short space of time or if he is acting to fool himself/me/both. He is not a player - he's about as far up the other end of the scale as possible - but I think he used me as an ego boost too because of his self-esteem issues.

Motivation, though, was so much to do with the fact that for the first time in my life I didn't have to explain how I was feeling in minute detail, because he just knew. I'm not in the 'only one person for everyone' camp when I mention soulmates - I don't think that's true - I just mean it in the way that we understand each other.

I still don't know what to do. I am trying with DH, and the alternative of starting my entire life, pretty much, again, is terrifying. I can't get OM out of my head and I have lost my friend. I know it's my fault, and I know I played with fire and got burnt, but knowing that just makes me feel worse!

'I am trying to talk to DH but I keep getting so frustrated that he still doesn't understand what I'm trying to say half the time.'

That is because you are lying to him.

I suspect everyone (you and your oh) will be happier if you split.

He's clearly second best and you don't really love him.

Might as well move on.

Stop lying to him and... to yourself.

So basically then, you are carrying on as normal whilst waiting and hoping the OM contacts you.

If this was a man posting this what would you say to him? With a OW and a wife in blissful ignorance.

If you don't want to be with your H, then tell him. It is horrible to make anyone second best because you are scared of going it alone. You don't treat people you love and care for like this.

If i was in your shoes, with no kids, i'd have a trial seperation and decide what i really want from my life.