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Original poster

Such a mess: a cautionary tale

75 replies

bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 11:08

My world is falling apart and it's all my fault. I was happy with DH until I fell in love with my best friend, who I've known for years but had never thought about in that way. Suddenly I realised I loved him, and I made the stupid mistake of telling him. He said he loved me too.

I dithered for months about whether to leave DH, because I still loved him and it was all such a risk and I didn't want to make the wrong decision. It put my friend through a lot because of all my back and forth, but he told me he'd wait. He told me he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. But by the time I made a decision, after telling me all along how much he wanted me he did a complete 180 and changed his mind. He won't go back. He said all along he wanted kids - which I really want - and then suddenly realised he didn't, and for that reason, he said there is no chance for us.

So now I'm in a situation where I can no longer stay in my marriage, because it has highlighted all the things that are missing, and I've realised I can't live without those things, and there's no chance of getting them with DH, and yet I have lost my soulmate because I waited too long. I told DH a few days ago I wanted to leave. He is bereft, and I am grieving for my marriage and for my soulmate. I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go - emotionally or practically. My DH is a wonderful man but he can't give me what I need. I don't think I will ever find it again.

I'm sure nobody on here is as stupid as I have been, but please, please, if you have feelings for someone else while you're in a relationship, don't voice them. If I hadn't I might never have known what I was missing, but now I do and I can't go back.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 14/04/2012 13:16

OP there is a million soulmates in this world for you, about one in every ten men would be your "soulmate" once you got to know him a bit. Because its biological! Imvho people who run around talking about soulmates have very limited life and relationship experience .

However I think your "best friend" has behaved very shabbily but is a cast iron example of what I stated above. He wasn't your soulmate, he just fancied the arse off you and when it all got a bit "real" he did an about face.

I am not sure that things could not be repaired with your DH, if he is not a bad or abusive man. I think that when things get a bit dull or painful in relationships its very easy to convince yourself you are in love with someone else in order to justify leaving the relationship. I should know, I have done it many times. HOWEVER saying this, if you are bored to tears with being married to him and just don't have any feelings left for him anymore there is NOTHING wrong with leaving the relationship, you don't have to fall in love with someone else in order to be able to justify doing so. Boredom is enough of a reason. You only get one life and all that jazz.

Original poster
bananacrepe · 14/04/2012 13:20

He waited six months, and moved on (mentally) in three weeks. He moved on in the time I was making my final decision to leave, but I didn't want to tell him til I was sure because I'd been up and down before. It never occurred to me he might move on because of everything he had said to me. He is now trying to convince me to stay with DH and to think of the good stuff I have with DH. I can't really blame him for not wanting kids, but he was so sure he did before. He says that he suddenly realised, and now he can't go back.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 14/04/2012 13:23

I agree with what someone said earlier - now you are available he's backing away. I wonder is he friends with your DH too?

jesuswhatnext · 14/04/2012 13:26

right now i would say be very careful what you wish for!

you say your dh is a 'wonderful' man, he is 'bereft' at the thought of his marriage breaking down and that you 'loved him more than anything' OTH your 'best friend' says he hates you, has moved on and has changed his mind re children - i think you are walking into heartbreak and lonelyness, he dsoent sound much of catch tbh does he? all this drivel about 'soulmates' sounds very immature, ime, finding your 'soulmate' is what happens after many years of being together, going through good and bad times, sticking at it, caring for each other, building your life together - one day you realise that NO ONE understands you better or cares more, that NO ONE comes close to the feeling you have for partner - it takes time and effort to get there, not a few quick guilty shags while knowing you are hurting someone who truely loves you!

Maryz · 14/04/2012 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin · 14/04/2012 13:27

So your much vaunted 'soulmate' turned out to be just another common or garden twat and, as he's a twat that's moved on, that particular destiny is not for you.

Now you need to work out why you fell for the twat's line and what you intend to do about your marriage.

overmydeadbody · 14/04/2012 13:31

oh banana, what a horrible situation to be in. Time will heal your pain, hopefully.

saintlyjimjams · 14/04/2012 13:33

He didn't move in. He liked the thrill of the chase and once he got the prize didn't want it.

Forget the 'soulmate' and think about what you're going to do about DH. Just don't mess the poor chap around anymore. If you're going to stay with him get some counselling and work on your marriage. If you're going to walk then go and let him get on with his life.

Hattytown · 14/04/2012 18:14

Having read this thread all in one go, the first thought that occurred to me was that this OM is either the sort who loses interest when he's 'won' or that he's behaved rather like you OP, in that he's met someone else and he's convinced himself that his feelings for you weren't as strong as he thought, so the new woman must be his 'soulmate'.

You seem pretty convinced that your marriage is over and from your husband's point of view, he would be ill advised to try again with someone who would only be returning to the marriage because her lover no longer wants her. Best then to be as kind and fair as you can with the separation, spend some time getting to know yourself a bit better and possibly consider some counselling just for you.

I do echo what other posters are saying about 'soulmates' incidentally. This lunatic belief that everyone has 'their one' is responsible for untold heartbreak. It's an incredibly immature way of dealing with adult relationships and if you learn nothing else from this sad catalogue of events, I hope you learn that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/04/2012 18:43

The more I hear stories like this the more I think the single biggest enemy of mankind is the concept of 'romantic love'. This myth that love is all we need and there's always a happy ending if we follow our hearts is peddled in magazines, novels, films ad nauseam. Often means we end up trapped with people that are nasty to us thinking we can make things work if we just love them enough.... or we go chasing around after the latest thing to catch our eye convinced we've finally found 'the one'. It's all a pile of crap

Think you've learned a tough lesson but that's life. You weren't happy or you wouldn't have been looking elsewhere. Now you're free to play the field again ... older, wiser and you can move on. Good luck

Hattytown · 14/04/2012 19:21

I agree with everything in your post Cogito, except the bit about 'you weren't happy otherwise you wouldn't have looked elsewhere' because as you've seen on this thread alone from a poster who's been there, that's another myth. Despite saying in her OP that 'she was happy with DH until I fell in love...' banana soon convinced herself that her husband was lacking in qualities that the OM seemed to have in abundance. Now the OM's been found to have qualities that are definitely lacking in the husband - fickleness and cruelty to name but two. The 'unhappiness' (that never registered beforehand) becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy once an affair starts, especially one that's fuelled by romantic balderdash. All the husband's faults would have been magnified - and his qualities of loyalty, kindness and most of all proper adult love for his wife, negated and dismissed.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/04/2012 19:37

Happy is relative. Whatever it was that meant she was looking elsewhere - even if it was only some vaguely mild dissatisfaction or 'in a rut' boredom with the daily grind of married life - I'm pretty sure anyone who has been in a long-term relationship recognises.

Hattytown · 14/04/2012 20:17

I agree with that, but it's another romantic delusion that a long-term relationship will always be exuberantly happy and that there won't be episodes of dullness, boredom, irritation or even feelings of incompatibility. All this goes hand-in-hand I think with a relatively modern belief that a romantic partner will fulfil all our 'needs'. We don't expect every friend to tick every box after all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/04/2012 20:31

Very true.

Worldwithwings · 14/04/2012 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiaWickham · 14/04/2012 20:41

The other man never loved you, he might have loved the idea of being with you, loved the drama of being in love with a married woman he can't have etc, but if he really, truely loved you, he wouldn't have just moved on. You don't move on from real love.

However, it could be that this has made you consider the option of leaving your DH, if your marriage isn't working for you, providing everything you want from a relationship, then ending it, spending some time on your own, working out what you do want and then start dating again would be best. People do marry the wrong people, it's ok to recognise that and move on.

That all said, are you sure you haven't just got so excited about the drama and this soulmate rubbish (it is rubbish, by the way, and he clearly isn't). Could you try working on your marriage? give it some time for the excitement to die down and see if there's anything to be saved.

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2012 22:17

Believe me, the 'shaman lover' turns into all the others with a few years, or even months, when all the novelty and unavailability wears off.

Schnarkle · 14/04/2012 22:24

Sounds like he moved on because you were suddenly available to him.

Proudnscary · 14/04/2012 22:39

This lunatic belief that everyone has 'their one' is responsible for untold heartbreak. It's an incredibly immature way of dealing with adult relationships and if you learn nothing else from this sad catalogue of events, I hope you learn that

Spot on Hatty. That's the cautionary tale here.

jub2k · 14/04/2012 23:13

I am in almost exactly the same situation here. I have fallen completely. I'm lost without the other person and ended my marriage a few months ago.
The problem is that the other party is also married and they are the one that is dithering. I cannot bear the thought that I may be without them, but every day, I wake knowing that this day may be the last that we are 'together'.

They say that they love me, want to be with me.. But it's a bit more complicated.
We were childhood sweethearts. Infact, we lost our virginity to each other.

But we were both unfaithful, drifted apart and it ended..

Now, twenty years on, we have another shot at being truly happy.

It's just so difficult, knowing that they could change their mind in a moment.

I'd be left with nothing...

Worldwithwings · 15/04/2012 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow · 17/04/2012 10:29

every time he had fallen apart and I had caved because it wasn't really what I wanted. It took a long time for me to get my head round dealing with the fallout and the practicalities - but when I eventually did he had already

is actually what is required to sustain affairs. Because affairs are FANTASY and excitement and drama, and the 'leaving' and 'being unable to resist' and 'this is wrong' 'I can't help myself' is the engine required to drive the FANTASY of Forbidden Love.

It is the plot of Romeo and Juliet, Pretty Woman, Tess of the D'urbervilles, etc.

The reality being, that affairs are not real love and too much time together takes the shine of the gilded idealism.

Abitwobblynow · 17/04/2012 10:31

How is it more complicated, Jub?

AnyFucker · 17/04/2012 10:38

Your "soulmate" is a player who used you and then dumped you. It is a cautionary tale, and a not uncommon one I am afraid. When the cold light of day gets shone on the "romantic dream" it starts to look rather tawdry and tarnished.

I am very sorry you got dragged along with it. A harsh lesson to learn. A shame you never posted on MN before you got in so deep...or did you ? And would you have listened to advice to stay away from "charming best friends" who wear sheep's clothing and have no intention of staying for the long haul?

LittleHouseofCamelias · 17/04/2012 11:33

WWW you are telling my story too. Luckily I came on MN and took the excellent advice I was given and spent a year on my own working out why I had behaved so badly and learning to forgive myself and my H for the mess we made of our marriage. The OM is still with his DW sadder and wiser as far as I know.

Both H and I have now moved on and found new partners and life is becoming good again (actually better because I was in an abusive relationship and didn't recognise it).

OP you won't regret stepping back and giving yourself time to process all this. Get a good counsellor and look at what you were lacking and what you need in future. Maybe it will be with your DH or another man. But take time!