dh is being a twunt about this and i dont know how to change it....

[crikeybill]

Basically I work full time and dh stays home. He has m.e so works freelance from home fixing computers and installing software. He hates getting up in the morning and I mean hates it. He is always really grumpy, takes ages to get going, has to exercise his legs, take tablets etc. Once he has been up a while, its all fine. He acknowledges what he is like if I talk to him about it in the evening, but it doesn't change. He just tells me to ignore his snapping , sarcastic remarks etc but it makes for such a shit start to the day.
My problem now is we have an 8 month old. We also have two older dc aged 9 and 10.
The 8 month old was an unplanned delight and he is great with him, we all enjoy him so much. Life has been great while I was on maternity leave and dh could rest but now he is looking after dc 3 days a week and oh the early morning issue has raised its head.
I have just left for work leaving dc3 in his bouncy chair next to dh. Dh lay on the sofa with his dressing gown over his head and refused to even open his eyes !! He snapped at me when I told him what dc3 needed today and just lay there groaning and moaning saying yes yes just go. I feel like shit, I'm so tired, my legs hurt blah blah.
I hate hate hate walking out and leavivg him like this. I know he will get up and care for him just fine but why does the day have to start so nasty ! Dc1 and 2 know what hes like and tend to stay out of his way till he's woke up a bit.
Hes not a bad person or dad, he's planning on making cakes for me with the older two today, he's just such a wanker in the morning.
He knows it upsets me , I left in tears today but he still does it. I know he's ill ffs but that doesn't mean his feelings always come first does it ?

ME doesnt give you the rigt to be a cunt.

He sounds like a very nasty person, to be honest.

OP, was he by any chance a selfish prick before he got ill? Did you spend a lot of time letting him have his own way because it was easier than dealing with the sulks and the strops? While I'm aware that the nicest of people are likely to become a bit short-tempered if in constant pain, your H sounds exceptionally selfish and entitled in the way he is refusing all suggestions of ways to make things better for the family and behaving so that his symptoms actually get worse.

OP, learning he stays up so late is a lightbulb. Not only because it's obvious why he's such a nightmare in the mornings, but in terms of his health. Many experts are starting to believe/understand that a lot of cases of ME/CFS are actually caused by poor adrenal function. I am lucky enough to have had this recognised and given lifestyle tips to help. I also only start to feel lively at night and would stay up until 3am if I was a single woman. Note: if I was single. To do that when you have a family is unthinkable and unacceptable.

However, this need to stay up late actually creates the problem of worse fatigue, as it completely messes with cortisol production - and this is true of everyone, not just ME sufferers. Even if you go to bed at 4am and wake up at 12noon, say, the strain on the adrenals from that late, late bedtime will make you feel v under par.

The more you reveal about his lifestyle and attitudes, the less it sounds like a nice man acting badly due to struggling to come to terms with a horrible condition and more like someone who has found an unexpected pay-off from illness, in that he's using it as an excuse to not control his temper and emotions, to not participate in family life, and to not have to respect his wife and what she does for the family. Not being up until the afternoon is a disgrace. Even if he was so ill all he could do was lie in bed, at least the children could get on the bed and chat and cuddle and maybe give you a few mins break. He really needs to see someone; you cannot go on excusing his crap anymore and he needs to get a grip. And you know it's serious when a fellow ME sufferer thinks that.

I find Scorpette's post above brilliant and well worded.

I just wanted to add, that although he "needs" to do everything she suggests, it remains his choice whether he does or not.

It is not incumbent on you - nor is it even possible - to make another adult see or do anything he doesn't want to.

Expose the problem to him, definitely. But don't drive yourself insane trying to get him to do the right thing. He can only change if he wants to.

Thanks for your kind words.
I was in a foul mood yesterday after a crappy night with the baby so realise I made dh sound awful. He isn't I'm bed at 4 every night, just nights where he can't sleep I guess. Whether he is a " cunt " or not I'm not sure lol..

Long, long chat last night using lots of your ideas. We are going to look into childcare for the morning. We agreed the 2am bedtime is unnaceptable, although he asked what he should do on the nights he genuinely cant sleep as he is aware of keeping me awake and me snapping. He suffers with restless leg syndrome and it drives me crazy.
Anyway, he has a gp appt on Thursday and we have a list of things to discuss.
We went to bed together last night, and he is now downstairs with the elder two while I am lying in bed for a bit with the baby.
I'm hoping he is serious about what we discussed.

Has he always been an arse ? Erm not really or I wouldn't have married him. It's quite shocking the personality change he has had. It's like being married to someone else tbh. I have also realised I need some help too thank you. I'm very tired, and I feel a bit grey, almost out if it all the time. I am loathe to say depressed as that's never been somethin you are in my family but I think I need to see someone.
Thank you all for your help.

Morning crikey , sending you a hug.
I'm so glad you talked together.
And I'm relieved that you recognise you need some help. I would not be surprised if you are depressed - please don't discount the idea of antidepressants . They are not addictive and may help you to cope through this. I am a psychi nurse so I could support you with any questions about that.
My DH was diagnosed with depression 2 years ago - it was directly related to my Ill health and the domino effect it has had on the family.
The GP prescribed Fluoxetine and my DH has been so much better, it has helped us all.
We all need help sometimes please don't cope with this on your own.
I think for the nights that DH can't sleep ( I have severe sleep disturbance ) would he be open to the idea of going downstairs and resting on the sofa with a duvet ?
I also have restless leg syndrome and find that having a warm bath can help ... If it is not going to wake the family could DH have a soak in a warm bath during the night?
There is something for the restless leg syndrome but I can't remember what it is called- I will go away and have a look so that maybe your DH can discuss it with the GP.
Try to have a restful day and only do what you have to do.
Family life can often be about surviving from one day to the next - there are no right or wrongs - take some steps together that are right for your family that will ease the pressure for you all X

I have had sleep issues in a similar vein and to be honest, a large part of the solution is very simple. Regardless of how little or badly you have slept, you CANNOT lie in past, say 9am (preferable 8am actually). Or have afternoon napes.

If you do, then you will not be able to get to sleep the next night and so on and so forth.

I've always felt like I have a longer wake/sleep cycle than our planet allows for. When I was younger, I got myself in a right mess re body clock. However, then I had a family and had to grow up. Ok I don't have the illness that your DH has, but there IS an element of growing up and taking responsibility imo.

napes = naps

Magnesium supplements helped me with my restless legs, and my uncle too. I've found, when you have multiple health issues, which lead to multiple lifestyle dysfunctions, you have to chip away one thing at a time. A massive overhaul is too much, especially when just getting out of bed seems a herculean task. And sorting out things one by one, starting small, takes away the excuses one by one too. Encourage him to look at ways to tackle the smaller and more peripheral problems, OP. He has to want to help himself, however. But as a parent, he needs to put his family first. He really needs to talk to someone, as he's getting himself more and more entrenched in these bad behaviours and odd lifestyle quirks (getting up in the afternoon, etc.).

PS Thank you, HotDAMN :)

"he can't switch off in the evenings so he ends up going to bed between 2-4am !!! This makes me so angry as its then a vicious circle. He is tired, I wake him up, he gets angry, evening comes, he wakes up, is in a better mood, stays up late blah blah.

Today for example, its nearly 1pm and he's still in bed. I've been up since 7 with the kids, cleared up, washing on, breakfast etc. When the baby wakes I will take them to the park. He will probably get up at 2ish, be in a mood, grumpy etc. I might get a decent conversation around 4ish, by which time the dcs day is nearly over !!! I'm so fed up."

I used to live like that. Every day. Except that MY X was abusive. I don't see that the hell that I lived would be much different to your day to day. If we cry tears of sadness, at the hands of another, does it matter what the excuse is? Your DH is IMVHO using his illness or at least proffering it as a possible reason to control what you and the entire family does, and to justify his checking out of the family.

My ex used to use his culture as the reason for his behaviour. Both the illness and the culture are unassailable excuses.

I see that you have spoken and laid down a few serious talking points, which is great. What happens next is crucial and you must be absolutely relentlessly honest with yourself here, and adopt the most black and white thinking you have ever managed to muster.

IF he adjusts his sleeping times, and goes to bed at a sensible time, considering the attention the children and YOU need, then that is GOOD.

IF he goes back to the Quacks and gets some more meds, pain relief, sleeping tablets, and YES antidepressants, if he asks for counselling and attends, no matter what, on the grounds that he NEEDS to be with people who DO understand him, THEN I'd say it's worth allowing this situation to carry on.

If he fails to apply himself to your family/relationship and cites his illness, but all the while refusing to lift a single teeny finger to actually HELP himself then really, the living apart thing might be worth a shot. You might then get some help with child care, by qualifying for help from benefits or something. Can he not get DLA or something?

I don't see that he's doing ANYTHING to help himself, he's avoiding you all, neglecting you all and abusing you all on top of it... all cos he has M.E.

He has to understand that if he is not willing to put in the effort to be civil, to be the best he can be, whatever that is, regardless of what it takes then why on earth would YOU put up with life like this? Why would you raise children in such a desperately unhappy environment. What advert for marriage are you showing to your DC? all very good questions for your H to ponder.

Scobe is right about naps.
scorpe is right about magnesium ...

However restless leg syndrome is also helped by :

Exercise during the day
avoiding caffeine and alcohol
tramadol and codeine can help you can buy codeine in the form of co over the counter
avoiding naps in the day.

• Going to the GP is a good first step .

Ask about medication to establish his sleep pattern ( there are a group of antidepressants called tricyclics that help with restoring a sleep pattern and also help with pain.These are often a first line treatment in CFS/ME).

• Learning Cognitive Behavioural Techniques are more effective than counselling - ask GP about a referral to a specialist service that may be able to help with this.

I think you need to really take a day at a time . Just focus on the GP appointment for now.

I don't think it is the right time for you to be making any decisions about your relationship.
Both of you need to be in better mental health before you do this.
When you are less sleep deprived OP and your spirits are brighter you will be able to rationally assess your relationship.

In the meantime don't forget about escaping somewhere to family / friends on your own if you need some respite.
Get some air , eat well , and if DH is disturbing your sleep at night you must consider separate beds on a night by night basis. x

I have a friend (he was my best friend at one time) who has had ME for the past 40+ years. He and his 2nd wife have 1 child - a lovely boy, who is now in his late teens.

Friend's wife has not known him without ME - and obviously went into this marriage with her eyes open (although I doubt even she, and she is lovely, understood just what she was taking on!)

She is obviously the main wage-earner (Before ME, he was on course to become a partner in one of the largest professional firms in the UK - a real 'high'flyer') . Her job necessitates her being away from home frequently. She has always recognised that her husband is incapable of total care for their son, and they have employed a full-time nanny until quite recently. The marriage is very happy (it would appear) and the son is just delightful. The Dad has played a huge part in his upbringing - albeit not a physical one.

I really think, OP, you need to accept that your husband just CAN'T get out of bed each morning and do 'perky' - or anything else for that matter. My friend said that it is like having proper influenza nearly every day of your life (I think someone else said the same thing?). I've had 'flu twice in my life and I most certainly could not have got out of bed to look after anybody first thing in the morning.

I think you really need to find a childcarer for DC3 in the mornings. If he didn't have this pressure - he possibly could be better for the rest of each day?

I think ME is a bloody horrible illness - it would be easier on the sufferers if they had boils everywhere to go with it - then everyone would know that they aren't faking it! But I can also see how fucking hard it is for partners/spouses - they seem OK one minute, and the next they are pole-axed - mmmmmmmmm sometimes this must seem very convenient!

Whatever you decide - remember it isn't his fault he has this horrible illness - but I wish you, him and your DCs all the very best.