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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever possible that texting someone may be misconstrued by others?

69 replies

2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 17:55

Briefly, evening class about 5 or so years ago. Exchanging texts with tutor for last couple of years. Recently we have been texting daily but just for mutual support, absolutely no lust involved or anything like that. We have met once for a coffee. He does text me to say goodnight, and yesterday had to go to hospital to have a breast lump investigated and he was texting me throughout the afternoon. He's thankfully made it quite clear he's not looking for extra-marital anything (well in me at least!) We're both married. Is this so wrong?

OP posts:
Bletchley · 12/04/2012 17:56

Depends. Does your DH know? Do you hide it from him?

thisisyesterday · 12/04/2012 17:58

would you think it was wrong if it was a female acquaintance?

i assume that your husband knows you are friendly with this guy?

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 17:58

He is texting you goodnight and being your rock thought the hospital visit. Bet his wife does not know? What does your husband think of this man texting you goodnight x every night?

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 18:06

I think texting you goodnight is very strange and would bet my house his wife wouldn't be happy if she knew.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 18:06

H is aware of him, but not that he texts goodnight every evening. We've been married 15 years and he's gradually eliminated every friend I've ever made/had made before him

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 18:08

Your husband does that? Is this a man you want to stay married to?

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 18:09

So your husband does NOT know he texts you goodnight every night. Then come the BUT to justify it...true or not. Sounds like an EA to me. I do imagine if your dh or his dw found out, yes it would be misconstrued.

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 18:13

House, I have reasons for not wanting to lose this friend - he's one of the few I have! But how can a goodnight be misconstrued. And excuse me for being dim but what's an EA?

OP posts:
Bletchley · 12/04/2012 18:15

Emotional affair

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 18:19

It's a bit more than a normal friendship, to be texting goodnight x every night.

EverythingsNotRosie · 12/04/2012 18:19

I have been in exactly this situation. Both of us denied it but it was an emotional affair (EA) and there was fall out. I am lucky that my DH and I have been able to move on and now have a lovely family life with our DD. The guy in question is still a work colleague, still married with one DD. At the time we offered each other support which we were not getting from our partners and the situation could have gone either way, I think. I think you need to be very honest with yourself what this means- I do not text goodnight to anyone but my DH. I think that says something.

Proudnscary · 12/04/2012 18:23

It is crazily inappropriate to text goodnight to you every night. You know that.

But it sounds like what you really want to talk about is your husband's behaviour over the years...?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 18:25

Yes Proud, that's some of what we do. And the problems with his wife. I just don't see how an EA is different to a really close friend - we both need support and he's made it quite clear the last thing he wants is a sexual relationship.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 12/04/2012 18:26

Tell us more about your DH eliminating your friends from your life?

Is your H supportive of you? Was HE in contact with you all afternoon of your breast lump thingy?

Is your H controlling you?

HoudiniHissy · 12/04/2012 18:28

This is one of those threads isn't it? Sad

You are suffering in this relationship with your H aren't you? You can trust us, what do you need help with OP?

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 18:29

Oh so his wife has found out? I'm not suprised she is a problem you are the ow. An affair does not have to be physical. His level of communication with you is innappropriate. If my husband were texting goodnight x to a female every night all hell would break loose!

I think you need to back off and focus on you marriage and getting out if your husband is so bad. Let this man sort things with his wife one way or the other.

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 18:31

Looks like it hissy? Op do you want to talk about your marriage? Ask for help? As the actual question in your op, then yes I'm not suprised this mans wife is upset. You may need to back away.

Hulababy · 12/04/2012 18:33

I don't send my close friends a goodnight x every night. The only people I have ever sent such messages is either DH or DD if they are away. It is that kind of relationship that would warrant such messages, esp every night.

It does sound like an emotional affair.

Proudnscary · 12/04/2012 18:39

Yes sorry OP I didn't mean that's what you and this guy talk about, I meant you want to talk about your marriage on here don't you?

Original poster
2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 18:48

No, I don't want to talk about H and I. Girls are 12 and 13 now and I think I remember MN from their infancy. Yes, he's controlling but for the sake of the girls want to hold it together till they're a bit older. They are becoming more independant and I suppose I'm reflecting a bit on what's left anywhere for me. And examining my conscience to see if I'm doing anything wrong. Ex tutor's wife doesn't know about us btw. He says he cares and that's just a really nice feeling after lots of years of not having any, but is adamant it's friendship.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 18:52

Well I'm sorry op. But you are in EA territory, the communication is innappropriate for friends. There are many threads like this in relationships, from the other side. You are the ow in them. So for your part, you are being out of order.

If you only want to discuss your op, then that's my opinion, the answer is yes. More so as you are both deceiving your spouses.

HoudiniHissy · 12/04/2012 18:53

Let's all wait for an update before the EA train goes rumbling on too much...

OP, a secret texting relationship is going to be misconstrued whatever the subject matter, no matter how innocent. It's the secrecy and the intensity.

He needs support, you need support. I feel for you, both of you, you both sound unhappy.

You are however acting as crutches and NOT tackling the root of the individual problems you each face.

If you tell us how YOU need support, we can perhaps suggest ways you can address that without creating a potentially larger and more hurtful issue.

HoudiniHissy · 12/04/2012 18:56

OK. See your update.

Your girls are growing up seeing how a man treats a woman. Any control issues in your home environment is training them to have the same relationship problems YOU are having.

Would you wish your life on them?

For the love of all things holy, DON'T tie yourself up to a man that is controlling you and making you miserable, don't inflict his poison on your girls, don't make more victims. The stage they are at now is crucial. They NEED to see YOU tell your H that this is not acceptable and that you need a more equal footing at home, OR HE HAS TO GO.

Miggsie · 12/04/2012 19:01

You are using the texting to this "safe" man as a way of surviving your difficult marriage.

If you are seeking emotional support outside your marriage it is likely you do have or will develop feelings for this man. IT is also likely the tutor is using hte relationship to fill a void in his life, texting about illness suggests he may be using you as a way of expressing feelings without having to talk to anyone face to face which suggests he is uncomfortable with emotional interaction normally.

At some point both of you need to question what you are getting from the texts that you are not getting from real life spouses.

You may both be propping up long dead marriages...deal with that bit first.

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 19:11

I'd also like to add op. As you do sound in a vulnerable place ATM. Why did he need to make it SO clear it wasn't going to be sexual. Is it because he has this in mind eventually, or he knew the contact was inappropriate.

Is he one of those rescuer types, you always see on EA threads? That just need to be wanted, to rescue, anyone but their wife Hmm you don't know anything about his marriage apart from what he says. Neither does anyone else. I wonder if his wife would paint the same picture. Just be careful. This has the potential to backfire on you both.