Is it ever possible that texting someone may be misconstrued by others?

[2sugarsandadog]

Briefly, evening class about 5 or so years ago. Exchanging texts with tutor for last couple of years. Recently we have been texting daily but just for mutual support, absolutely no lust involved or anything like that. We have met once for a coffee. He does text me to say goodnight, and yesterday had to go to hospital to have a breast lump investigated and he was texting me throughout the afternoon. He's thankfully made it quite clear he's not looking for extra-marital anything (well in me at least!) We're both married. Is this so wrong?

If the texting is in secret, then it is wrong.

If it was nothing but friendship you would not keep it from your H. You are deluding yourself that you are dong nothing wrong.

I'd be upset if it were my husband. You can always find a female friend for support, especially since you don't ever meet up with him.

If you feel you need to hide it, you must feel guilty.

Your OP said that the daily texting had been a recent development, so things have changed. What you're describing is an acceleration in your relationship and unless one or both of you put the brakes on, the friendship will accelerate further.

The excuses you make about this are not new. This might offend you, but they are the same ones everyone makes when they are unfaithful. E.g. My marriage was unhappy so he didn't cause this, his marriage was unhappy so I didn't cause that, as long as we don't meet it's harmless, as long as it's not sexual it's ok, if we told our partners it would hurt/anger them, he's a decent man unlike the other twunts I've met......and a lot of that defies logic.

He appears 'decent' to you because he has an agenda. You are treating him as a rescuer, but if you were his wife you would want to scream that while he is busy rescuing some other unhappy woman, he's shitting all over the unhappy woman at home who's already put up with his infidelity at least once.

Your agenda seems more complex, but I think it as at least in part some defiance and rebellion on your side. You've chosen to give up friends in order to appease your husband. And yes that was an active choice - you could have said no, or left him. Now you want to punish him and I expect at least part of the buzz of this is that you're getting one over on a man you despise, but who you lack the courage to leave.

It is utterly pointless punishing someone for something unless they know they are being punished and why. It's covert, underhand and passive-aggressive.

Sorry, but it sounds like he at the very least has "intentions" towards you, even if you don't have them towards him. His texting is inappropriate, especially the "goodnight" stuff. I only EVER do that with my DH.

As someone on the receiving end of this, it's secret it's wrong. You know that.

It's inappropriate, yes.

The point is you're both married to other people, not to one another. So while this is providing much needed comfort, it's also completely missing the point which is that your marriages are hopeless, and you should not be in them if you are so very unhappy that all your attention and comfort is being diverted externally.

What is the point? Your girls will know that the situation is very wrong, if it's got this bad. It's not good for them to witness this sort of set up. They will know you're unhappy.

What is wrong with separating from your husband? It sounds like a house share more than a marriage.

I'm so sorry for y ou but I think you're making your own situation and you ought to stop and look around, take responsibility and do something honest about it rather than this sneaking around.

I don't necessarily think the EA will amount to anything in these circumstances. It's almost like a chat line or something, you're his fantasy (not necessarily sexual - more love, and comfort etc) and he is yours. None of it is real.

It's like when people ring up to talk to women on premium rate phone numbers, or something...they're getting a need fulfilled but it isn't actually going to lead to anything. It's totally in your head, and totally in his, and thus a very useful distraction from the real issues you both ought to be sorting out.

I don't think it's any more harmful to your respective spouses than what's already happening in your marriages, which are basically defunct in many respects as far as I can guess - but it isn't doing any good either.

It's like being in a deep hole and instead of trying to climb out, or shouting for help you're painting pictures of windows on the walls, and pretending it's lovely down there, and you're not really in a hole at all.

How about waking up and building yourself a ladder...can't be worse than it is right now, can it?

It is wrong because to secretly communicate with someone other than your husband is sneaky and disrespectful to your spouse.

It's sneaky and disrespectful to your spouse if your spouse is wonderful.

It's still sneaky and disrespectful to your spouse if your spouse is a shit.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

The secret texting is a seperate issue than the fact that your marriage is floundering.

Anyone who commits to a marriage owes their spouse the courtesy of behaving appropriately within that marriage.

If you want to seek emotional support / get your daily text thrill from someone else, then you should have the decency to end your marriage first imo, or at least communicate with this other man in an open and transparent way, with your spouse's knowledge.

It's cruel and destructive to allow another man into your marriage in this way.

Whether this other man is looking for something more (ie sex) is a red herring. YOU are the one allowing this situation to occur, and you are responsible for any fallout.

I wish you every success in getting out of your marriage, if you are unhappy in the relationship.

Although I agree with much of what you say Flightty, I really disagree with the the thought that this is not "any more harmful to your respective spouses than what's already happeing in your marriages". It is. It is a willful and deliberate betrayal. It is removing the choice from your respective partners of being able to make decisions based on your betrayal. It might be the final step too far for the OP's husband or her friends wife. It might be the thing that causes either or both marriages to collapse completely. No-one will know until it is finally out in the open.

Agatha I take those points but it sounds to me as though the marriages already involve a degree of, okay a massive degree of detachment - and probably living almost separate lives, emotionally at least. Thus the texting is a symptom of but not the cause of the dissonance iyswim, it isn't causing a problem, it's happening because the problems are insurmountable.

I hope that figures.

It certainly won't help though. It's a bridge burning activity at the least.

Things are just too far gone I think OP.

'we both need support and he's made it quite clear the last thing he wants is a sexual relationship'

People are not always honest about their intentions, either with others or even with themselves.

But you're assuming that these marriages really were terrible before this started flightty. The OP isn't saying much about hers - just vague hints that allude to unhappiness and which paint her H in a very bad light. The only evidence of marital discord on the OM's part is what he's telling the OP. Like I said in my first post, people having affairs or who are the OW/OM never want to face up to the idea that their relationship either caused or worsened a fixable void in a marriage. But that happens in far more cases than people are prepared to admit.

Sorry Hatty, just the impression I got. Of course we can't know. But it does sound like the OP is resolute in not talking about her marriage and that's a really bad sign...if it's got to that stage I think we can assume it's not going well. How badly is another matter.

I do take your point though.

True friendship is a wonderful thing. We all go through patches in our lives when we get worn down by problems at work, being unhappy at home. The thought (true or not) becomes "nobody cares about me" . Most people feel like this form time to time. Teenagers send many texts every day to their friends, of both sexes. Whilst I do think the "good night" texts are a bit odd I think to brand this friendship an EA is a bit much and sometimes having a good friend that you know you can trust and rely on makes a lot of difference. I think many posters on here have given the OP a really hard time. His marriage is his responsibility, and hers is hers.

I'm sorry but I'm really confused at the whole, "it's never going to be physical thing". How does that even come up in conversation if it's never been an issue before? I've had/have male friends and never needed to say that.

Is your marriage really that bad or is that just justification to carry this on? Happens all the time on these boards. The cheater goes around telling the OW/OM how bad things are at home and all the time the husband/wife thinks everything is fine.

Bluesue - that's an interesting point in your first paragraph. Very true too.

Would you mind his wife reading with him the texts you sent? If the answer is yes, than the texting is inappropriate. There is nothing to misconstrue, it just is wrong.

Blue, because in our 'conversations' he made it quite clear that he regretted what he'd done in the past and would never want it to happen again. And I mentioned it because I thought it was relevant.

Anyhow, it seems to be drawing to a natural close in any case. I think there's only so much you can text about the minutiae of day-to-day life before it starts to get less than interesting for both.

Flightty, I found your penultimate paragraph very moving. And I've been trying to get up that ladder for years, I just keep on sliding down after the first few rungs.