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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it ever possible that texting someone may be misconstrued by others?

69 replies

2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 17:55

Briefly, evening class about 5 or so years ago. Exchanging texts with tutor for last couple of years. Recently we have been texting daily but just for mutual support, absolutely no lust involved or anything like that. We have met once for a coffee. He does text me to say goodnight, and yesterday had to go to hospital to have a breast lump investigated and he was texting me throughout the afternoon. He's thankfully made it quite clear he's not looking for extra-marital anything (well in me at least!) We're both married. Is this so wrong?

OP posts:

namechangingagain · 12/04/2012 19:14

Yes it's inappropriate - I'd flip - and Im as laid back as they come - if it's secret it shouldn't be happening.

AgathaFusty · 12/04/2012 19:15

Your friend's wife doesn't know about you, your husband doesn't know about the nightly 'goodnight' texts.

Can you not see how wrong this is?

You are running the risk of playing a part in destroying someone else's marriage. That should be a big concern for you.

You are using this inappropriate friendship as a prop for your own troubled marriage. That is wrong too.

Hattytown · 12/04/2012 19:26

People often say that they are filling a void in their relationship by developing these friendships and that might be true for you OP. But you don't know for certain those are his reasons and in fairness, he's only got your word for it that you are also in an unhappy marriage.

The aspect that no-one involved is prepared to acknowledge is how much friendships like this create or worsen a void in existing relationships.

The reason that secret relationships are bad news for people in abusive or controlling relationships is twofold. Continuing them in order to survive the daily grind of an unhappy life actually stops people getting out of the relationship. The friendship serves to prop up the marriage and prolong it unnecessarily, whereas if it had to survive without outside help, life would become intolerable more quickly and would galvanise the abused partner to get the hell out.

Secondly, any discovery by an abusive partner puts the victim in considerable danger. Angry and controlling men are always on the hunt for a stick to beat their partners with and any hint of infidelity normally incurs horrible penalties. If you're married to an angry and controlling man OP, your friend is actually putting you at risk. Still, if he's selfish enough to keep this sort of secret from his wife and thinks it's acceptable to bad-mouth her to another woman, I don't suppose that bothers him too much......

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 19:34

What hatty said x10. I suggest you read some ea threads on here op. Many of the men follow a me me me script and it's all about getting their needs met such as above.

You have got to wonder what kind of friend he is.... If he knows all about your husband, texting you so prolifically is putting you in massive danger. Has it occurred to you that he could just be taking advantage of you vulnerabilities to meet his own needs? They do tend to go for the rescuer type role.

Ktmacca4 · 12/04/2012 20:11

So sorry, 2sugars, but I think it's wrong too. I wouldn't mind AT ALL if my DH was texting a close female friend, but I would be devastated if he did it in secret and if he was doing the goodnight routine. If its all so innocent and above board why is the full story kept from DH (and the guy's DW)?

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 20:30

I don't think op wants to know its text book affair territory. With the boundaries, justification (no matter how valid), secrecy, deceit, familiarity. It's the only thing for "her" in this controlling marriage she won't leave or talk about. Who cares if it screws another persons marriage. It's nice. That's the impression I get :(

Original poster

2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 21:13

Hatty, there is no getting out of this relationship. The girls are of an age now where they no it's not normal, but we all kind of put up with it in that knowledge. I don't want to dwell too much on my husband but it what you said about continuing with tutor in order to avoid the daily grind is true - I do think he cares - but I certainly wouldn't be using it as a vehicle to get out of the one I'm in. And House, I'm not meeting any of his needs, other than the ones he's meeting for me. I'm not telling him anything I wouldn't tell my own mother, though admittedly I don't text her goodnight every night. But I think he's aware I'm feeling a bit vulnerable (have for ages) and it's his way of not exacerbating that. And I care if I screw another marriage. What have I said to make you think otherwise? Ktmacc, because I don't want another friendship ruined.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 21:50

What was your husband's response to your breast lump?

I think once your friend admits he keeps the friendship secret, he's admitting to an emotional affair. It would be more honest if he did want to sleep with you.

AnyFucker · 12/04/2012 21:53

why is there "no getting out of your relationship" ?

of course there is

Original poster

2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 22:01

Because the misery isn't enough to warrant breaking up a home and all the insecurities that would cause the girls. And neither of us could live as cheaply as we do together. The girls would suffer in the end.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/04/2012 22:27

ah. For the children.

no, I don't go along with that

especially since your girls are going to be a hell of a lot more "insecure" when your H or the OM's W find out about your inappropriate friendship

Hattytown · 12/04/2012 22:39

I don't think you're using this friendship as a vehicle to get out of your marriage. I think you're using it to stay in your marriage. The friendship makes life more bearable and allows you to cope with the decisions you've made.

But it's not fair and it's not ethical, because you are both taking something away from another woman and any children they have. The intensity and volume of contact means that this man is there in body, but not in spirit. This declaration that his feelings for you are not romantic or sexual is a lie in which you are both colluding. You both know it's not true, but you'll allow that elephant in the room because to acknowledge it would compel you to feel guilt and possibly give up something you're both too selfish to lose.

You have to live with the consequences of the decision you've made to stay in your marriage. The pay-offs for you are likely to be more selfish than you'll admit, because you know that logically, it is harming your girls to grow up in such a loveless marriage. You've mentioned the finances, but there are likely to be other pay-offs here that you might not even acknowledge to yourself.

But you are free to make those decisions and consider the consequences. They are in the open domain. Your friend is in the same position.

There are two people and several children who live in the closed domain. Their decisions are uninformed ones. The information they need is hidden from them.

That's why this is not fair or ethical.

Winkly · 12/04/2012 22:49

In answer to your OP, there are NO friends that I have that I would text goodnight to every night. Not my best friend, not my DSis that knows everything about me and I would crawl into a burning building for her. However I text goodnight to DH. Every night.

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 22:50

It's just your responses op. So if I'm off I apologise. It's all just so cliche. Ya know. His marriage has issues (supposedly). Yours does. So you are both taking what you need. But its innocent, not sexual (yet), it's all secret, best of friends confidante.

I'm afraid what do you think would happen your oh found out? What do you think would happen if his dw found out? Have the unanimous responses not told you exactly what they would see it as? But you know that deep down that's why you posted....see what if she finds out then goes to your dh? As with that kind of regular chat someone always gets caught, because it's SO obvious. I'm surprised such a control freak hasn't discovered you already?

Affairs never just happen. I'm afraid this is inappropriate and there is ever chance you COULD screw his marriage and yours earlier than you planned. This is beyond friendship you are kidding yourself otherwise and both spouses are being deceived. She may not be the awful wife you get told about you know...

I don't mean to get at you op, because you are obviously going through a hard time, but kid yourself not you aren't a friend of his marriage, no he yours.

Original poster

2sugarsandadog · 12/04/2012 22:53

Hatty I shall sleep on what you've written. It's just my girls in the equation. His are all grown up. But I'm not, not would I, jumping in to bed with him, nor he I. And your first paragraph really resonates with me.

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 22:57

You are making the classic mistake though op. of thinking an affair = sex. Nope. More often than not its the emotional investment, the caring, the sweet nothing texts, the deceit, the secrets. That define an affair. This will become sexual eventually if it continues.

Do read some threads on here.

Houseofplain · 12/04/2012 23:53

Infact there is a thread right now. Is this infidelity?

AnyFucker · 12/04/2012 23:59

You should read it Op, for a wake-up call as to the hurt you are helping to cause someone (even if they don't know it yet)

Original poster

2sugarsandadog · 13/04/2012 06:46

I never see him - maybe once a year? and he lives about half a mile from me. There isn't a chance of it turning into an affair. Believe me, in my 46 years I've had enough experience of shits to recognise one blindfolded and I know he isn't one. But I'm still trying to get my head round why, when we don't see each other and just offer mutual support, this is wrong. He has been unfaithful to his wife in the past but I don't know why - texting doesn't really lend itself to intricacies like that and acknowledges that some of the problems in his relationship may be his fault. But he - in the absence of any other support mechanism - is the one that gets his wife out of bed in the morning. Surely it can't be wrong just to make one another smile?

OP posts:

Original poster

2sugarsandadog · 13/04/2012 06:56

And last year, in a period when I wasn't communicating with him, he moved out of the marital home for about six months and underwent some form of therapy. So there were problems there which were nothing to do with me.

Christ, I don't even speak to him on the 'phone.

OP posts:

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 13/04/2012 07:02

Surely it can't be wrong just to make one another smile

But surely it's your partners that should be doing that?

What would your dh think of this? What would his wife think of this? Why are you having to ask if it is all so innocent?

stargazy · 13/04/2012 07:16

But it is an affair of sorts if his wife and your DH know nothing of the amount and frequency of texting- and bedtime kisses ffs.Would his wife think this was a form of affair?I bet she would-I did when I found out from partner of OW just how often my DH and her were exchanging texts-that had started to become sexually explicit.And please don't delude yourself this won't happen if this continues.
I don't mean to sound overly harsh.You are obviously unhappy with your DH's behaviour towards friendships which sounds very justified.But you need to sort your own relationship at home out and stop using this man as a prop to cheer you up.Otherwise the fall out for his family could be massive.I'm not sure I will ever feel the same about my DH and marriage (- stayed together and worked things through)But the hurt and pain of the secrecy was as immense as if he'd slept with her believe me.I will never forget it.
You do need help and support and I wish you luck,but this is not right and you know it.

AgathaFusty · 13/04/2012 07:20

The time this friend is investing in you, in supporting you, should be invested in his marriage. If he wasn't investing the time, emotional energy and secret thrills in texting you, he would look elsewhere, hopefully to his wife to fulfil that need of being close to someone.

Like others, I really can't understand why you stay in a less than happy marriage, especially since you acknowledge that your children are aware that all is not well.

At some time in their lives, they are going to wonder if you stayed just for their benefit. Can you imagine how guilty and hurt they would feel if they realised that they were the reason for yours and their Dads continuing unhappy relationship? That, as well as the lessons you are teaching them in how relationships work. Children learn by example. You are showing them poor, how and where are they supposed to learn what a happy marriage looks and feels like?

AnyFucker · 13/04/2012 08:52

You don't want opinions do you, OP ?

You want someone to tell you what you are doing is ok

It isn't

Houseofplain · 13/04/2012 09:04

I said that earlier af. Obviously op thinks because her marriage is crap it's ok to ruin someone else's.

He's cheated before you say? No shit! Would never have guessed! Sounds like you are one in a long line. Who knows his suffering wife probably kicked him out, made him get therapy. Remember you only know what he tells you. Then he starts all over. He is a seasoned pro. But you know that and what this is, deep down, you just want to justify it :(

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