So i have my heart broken yet again

[saddotcom]

April this year will be a year since i left my family home with my two children and legaly seperated from my husband. I have lived in four houses and now settled. In October i met a friend of a friend on facebook and was absolutely blown away with how i felt for this person. We talked 24/7 then arranged to meet as local. I have never felt so alive in years and then we arranged to go to a big dance i had tickets for....we saw each other few and far between after that as this guy is a musician in two bands and seperated from his wife same month as me and has two girls. He has a full time job also so it was a case of fit in when we could and had the most amazing times. Things went a bit odd after he was almost made homeless as he left everything to his wife and girls and never had face book to chat and the worst person i have ever come across for using a phone. We kind of lost touch and then he starting logging on to facebook in local pub and it was very touchy for a while but come christmas and my birthday he sent and invitation to go a trip away for couple of days...we kind of struggled along with the not so great contact and had the most amazing time away. I posted a few pics on fb as it was no secret to me but his ex wife and daughters had gained access and he was in the dog house and to cut it short has slowley but surely contacted me less and less with texts telling me how much he misses our time but its so difficult. I am absolutley devistated but dont know how to move on.

But you said:

"i have been to his council house he was finaly housed in and helped him kinda sort it a bit"

The 'council' house which it is not its a private rent he was going to be put in a scatter homeless option when he went for help at first. He was homeless and how can a one bedroom flat be a family home for two children. Being a bit nosey i have seen the marital home and i know thats a bit sad but i was curious so the mutal friend dove by and i have to say its absolutely massive and i believe if sold not going to return anywere near what its worth so hence the delay. I am stupid at times but give me some credit please

what i meant and sorry i feel a wee bitty like under the thumb screws as i never posted a question like this before, Its a council flat private rented. Sorry i never made that clear its in a kind of block of flats no garden.

Cross-posted. Glad that helped.

Look love, this man sounds like an arse honestly he does. What concerns us is that you've been making excuses for him instead of facing up to what he's really like. If you've been in an abusive relationship and only left it because the abuser found someone else to abuse, you need to spend time on your own because after that, any man with a pulse and a kind smile is going to seem like superman, even though other women would be backing away fast.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's frighteningly common for abused men and women to get involved in ill-advised relationships too soon, but the problem is that their radar and esteem is in such bad shape that they become like magnets for users and people with their own emotional health issues.

I suspect your radar is set at 'he's not as bad as my husband' when you should work towards 'he's great in every way, but it's only what I deserve'.

But that takes a long time and it's best processed out of a relationship. Some counselling might help you get there though. Have you had any?

Yes i have had counselling since a year before i left and still going as i have had to deal with the death of my sister too during all the bad times at home so i could not agree more my esteem is at an all time low and what you say sound correct. He has not been very fair with me at all and its like i kind of grabbed like you say the first chance of being with somone who made me feel good but i seem to be able to ignore all the bad bits...I was once told i would attract people alike until i improve my self esteem...i think thats why i asked the question so poorly as i have ended this as i know its not good for me and making me feel unwell but any lodgical person would run a mile and not settle for what seems i have done. thankyou so much that makes a whole lot of sense

You are getting better though you know....

At least this time, you've read the signs correctly, even if it did take you a while to get there. Imagine if you'd had that radar after a few months with your exH?

You also posted on here about it.

Our relationships often follow 'patterns' and the skill is noticing when they occur - and knowing when to get out and being aware of them in subsequent relationships. You've had a very rough time of it in recent years and it's a horrible shame that this one turned out to be such an arse, because you deserved a kind man who was emotionally available.

My best advice is to stay away from romantic attachments for a while, process your grief properly and concentrate on work, motherhood, friendships and hobbies. Talk to women you know who are in emotionally healthy relationships and notice the high standards they have about the way they are treated and the way they treat others. Not the 'smug marrieds' - friends who will tell you how it really is. How all healthy relationships will have their ups and downs, but are founded on deep mutual respect.

And have a hug >>

when you say i posted on here about it? what do you mean?
Thanks for taking the time Hattytown it means a great deal to read all that and i appreciate the time you have taken and the hug is hugely welcomed :)

Aah....sorry for any confusion. When I read that back last night it didn't read right for some reason, but I had to go to bed.

What I meant was that it's a good sign of your new radar that you posted on Mumsnet about the situation. The psychology of posting on a forum fascinates me and I read once that with problems of the heart, posters tend to know what the answer is deep down, but they want someone to validate them and confirm it.

I could not agree more...its like a wee form of aproval and another voice rather than mine that seems to jump from being totally clear of the situation and be in control to then doubting even my own thoughts and start making all those excuses again and making it fit.

I notice your a regular in the relationships posts is there a particular reason for this i.e do you work in that field or just lots of experience. I am glad you do as i have found your comments very useful and already today and its early sank into a wee bit of doubt then re read and its like light bulb moment. So again thanks

Heh, heh

I'm glad it helped. I don't say what I do on internet forums, I hope you don't mind. But I am ancient with a lot of life experience and I don't mind people knowing that

Keep reading your thread when you have a wobble and read others, because as I said to you, you're not alone in this and it's a path trodden by many a person whose life has been affected by abuse and other horrible 'life knocks'. I really understand why this had such an impact on you, at that point in your life. The best love at times like this comes from people who have no expectations of you - their affection and support is not contingent on you giving something back.

Keep strong.....

Well i had an unexpected text asking for us to rekindle what seemed like a long time he said....i said no thanks. Heart was racing and desperate to say yes and then everything as hurtful as it was at the time that was said on here rang true and i feel so releived i will put this to rest. How very very odd people are and how scared am i to realise how easy manipulated i have become...feel rather proud of myself

Be very proud you deserve the best and so do your little ones... you are on a better path now - keep on it and the best will come to you. Promise x

Thankyou so much Bearhugs you have no idea how nice that is to hear. x

So you should, love, you should feel empowered. Just keep on keeping on and all that, everything will be ok. You're not ready yet, and certainly not with Mr Numbnuts

You did the right thing, I think x

Serendipit thanks and love Mr Numbnuts...it hurt like hell and so easy to say oh okay then lets meet again but i genuinely was effecte by what i read last night and although in my heart i knew it could go no where i did really have feelings for him but i guess i need to have higher ....much higher standards. Thanks for you kind words x

My best friend suggested if he was soooo into me and thought as much as me as i did him he would not text lets meet again...he would phone and try his upmost. Its so embarassing to think i have been such a walk over but i have allowed that and its like a penny just dropped. I am glad he text and made this so much easier the more i think on it .

Oh well done!

You should be so proud of yourself! I bet your self-esteem has gone through the roof now that you've got control back of your own life. Your friend is right of course.

Be prepared for him to change tack now. You'll become the challenge that you never were before and men like this enjoy the chase more than the relationship itself. Remember, adults don't play games like this.

Well i have had some very strange texts since and i just dont get it as he obviously not used to this..."I have had time and reflecting and cant stop thinking about this" no more no less thats it....I replied and i know i should not but " Nothing to think about i know its going no where so lets call it a day" and then "so how are you keeping? Are you still learning to drive? Hows your mission going?" My mission being to lose weight and i had started running? Now were do people get off just trying to pic up after blatently ignoring you or not really making any effort? I just dont get how people can play with your mind like that.
Games is exactly how i would describe this and its cruel if you ask me.

Sad, don't bother replying. You can do a lot better than him!

So very predictable, now he's getting the brush off from you he's interested. Pathetic. Ignore ignore ignore.

It is cruel but dicks like this are the type to get more interested in a woman the less she appears to want him. Fuck me, some charlatan writers have made their fortunes out of advising women to play 'hard to get' in order to ensnare completely faulty men. The book I'd write would be to advise women that if they've got to play games in relationships, expect the bloke to remain a player. And men that women who need 'wooing' have a nasty habit of being spoilt, pampered princesses with giant egoes. Much better to be direct with people if you're an adult.

I'd advise complete non-engagement. Even he will get the hint eventually, but he might ratchet it up a notch with flower deliveries, songs that he's written for you and other bollocks like that.

Don't engage now and well done.

lol about the songs as your gonna die laughing but he did write a song way back and oh i am feeling my cheeks go red now thinking how flattered i was....i am so out of touch with this kinda thing and its so obvious i have never been in this kind of position for such a long time. I would say i am a tell it as it is and not any use at all the games milarky and i agree 'NOTHING' should be this hard work. I just wish i had a fast forward button as i know full well i am going to look back on this and think what a stupid cow i have been.

Again what i cant comprehend about myself is he isnt that good looking, he turned up weekend away with clothes to short in sleeves and one hoodie that had a rust iron mark on from drying on radiator...now am not being nasty as i know he seems to have nothing but a bit of effort surely could not have gone a miss. He smokes heavy...i dont....his band memebers def not my cuppa T as friends so WTF am i acting like a total loser for. I do get so very angry with myself when i should be him. I should not have text back because now i am wondering What is he going to say next?" Very very callculated if you ask me and what a prick !!!!!

Oh how did I guess that this loser would churn out a song?

I bet it was dire and very unoriginal.....

That's what I was trying to explain upthread. Because you've had so many knocks in the recent past, your standards are not what they once would have been. It's really good that you're seeing him without the sex specs on now.

Keep finding fault!

The sex was dire...thats another thing i honestly liked him as we got on so well when we did meet...he not a looker and very very self concious in the bed shall we say. So what the feck did i see in him? He also talks in jazz kinda gobble de goop sometimes and i just dont get that.

You made me laugh there Hattytown so going to share something cracks my best pal when i told her..

Had not heard from him for bout 4 days out of the blue nothing and i text from work one evening and my reply was this and i shall explain Tweet Tweet means good night.

His reply was "I'm horizontal, watching DVD very tired Tweet Tweet"

My pal was like "Fuck* Tweet Fuck Tweet all Tweet Tweet the ^&%$$$£" ahhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaa but i thought his tweets were very endearing :O oh my goodness.

That doesn't surprise - the sex, I mean.

It's another frustration of mine that women put up with crap sex and convince themselves it was otherwise.

So that's another thing you can chalk up as a lesson learnt - bad sex is bad sex and although that can never sometimes improve, it's best to acknowledge it was crap to start with.