So i have my heart broken yet again

[saddotcom]

April this year will be a year since i left my family home with my two children and legaly seperated from my husband. I have lived in four houses and now settled. In October i met a friend of a friend on facebook and was absolutely blown away with how i felt for this person. We talked 24/7 then arranged to meet as local. I have never felt so alive in years and then we arranged to go to a big dance i had tickets for....we saw each other few and far between after that as this guy is a musician in two bands and seperated from his wife same month as me and has two girls. He has a full time job also so it was a case of fit in when we could and had the most amazing times. Things went a bit odd after he was almost made homeless as he left everything to his wife and girls and never had face book to chat and the worst person i have ever come across for using a phone. We kind of lost touch and then he starting logging on to facebook in local pub and it was very touchy for a while but come christmas and my birthday he sent and invitation to go a trip away for couple of days...we kind of struggled along with the not so great contact and had the most amazing time away. I posted a few pics on fb as it was no secret to me but his ex wife and daughters had gained access and he was in the dog house and to cut it short has slowley but surely contacted me less and less with texts telling me how much he misses our time but its so difficult. I am absolutley devistated but dont know how to move on.

Thankyou Marigold i guess thats the answer

Have I read this right? He's not declaring his income to his wife and kids because he wants to cheat them out of money? And his 13 year old is not unreasonably very hurt that her dad didn't contact her and preferred instead to whoop it up over a weekend away when he was claiming poverty?

He sounds like an arse, frankly.

Emotionally unavailable and a shit father.

Maybe what lies ahead is to look at why you've been able to explain away his obvious shittiness and still think he's a bloke worth pursuing? Your standards are way too low OP and it sounds to me as though you need your radar re-set about what's acceptable in a man.

He left the family home of which i believe from the mutal friend is worth a considerable amount of money....he funds both his daughters dancing and one of his bands raise money for them to tour europe. He pays way over the odds in maintanance as like my ex has them a good few over night stays every week. He was verging on being made homeless and managed to find an affordable private rent so as to stay near his girls school so they can stay with him there mother is away on business most of the time. He attends most parents evenings alone and in my opinion not a shit father...He is very bad at communication and he knows it and for what it is worth i never called my children when there with there dad as it was a normal weekend and thats our choice unless its a special occassion. He is noted for not replying texts to his mother too and if i am honest yes i think he maybe preferred to shut out everything (i dont agree either) I may also add that the tickets were free as he is a musician and it was a show he was given free passes for...i have a family rail card and the trip there and back i funded. We arranged a cheap travel inn. He pays for all his daughters dance wear and trust me by the clothes he wears and the comments from friends on how much weight he has lost and the invites for tea from friends and family yes he is in what i would class poverty while they can decide on what to do with the house...He unlike my husband thought best to leave the family home and start a fresh. He is not perfect and yes a text would have not gone a miss.

Generalising coming up - separated men always seem to say they "gave" their exes everything and pay "over the odds" on maintenance. And yet somehow, every study ever into divorced people seems to find that divorced women fare worse financially than divorced men.

Dont know if i made it clear that we have mutal friends and in such a small village i think it would be widely acknowledged if he was not paying his way....the reason i know about the maintenance is that wee discussed it and he gave me a figure and i am fortune in that my ex from day one has paid way over what the recommended amount is because it goes on how often the see there kids...i have this in writing and it was not him that claimed to be paying over the odds it was me that picked up on it. No he doesnt give everything as he has little to give while i do know for a fact that his ex is in a very comfortable family home and not scrimping around for funds for the electric meter. I have experienced this as i was his home when that happened.

It sounds to me as if you have a good heart and sort of want to take care of this chap. What with the weight loss and the scruffy clothes and the music. But really, have you actually got the time for this? And a musician. Really? Gigs? Bands? I mean, how old is he? It's all well and good when you are about 17 but do you really want this at your stage of life?

Frankly it gets worse. Electric meter? While he plays in bands in a small village? Why?

You said he was not declaring the gigs he was doing and the money he was earning from it. The implication was that he didn't want his wife or children to know he was earning money, because he was in a 'huge financial battle about the house'. So he's hardly magnanimously walked away from a house has he? And he's telling lies of omission to his exW and children.

What do you mean by 'he's paying well over the odds'? What does he pay for compared to what his wife pays for, in relation to their children? It sounds like she works to support herself and their children and it's not unusual for a parent to attend school consultations alone, because normally the other parent is looking after other children who aren't allowed to come.

His daughter clearly had different expectations than your child has of you, didn't she? She expected her dad to be in contact with her.

I really think you are making too many excuses for a man who is emotionally unavailable and has treated you badly, just as he seems to treat others badly too. I get the feeling that you would judge a woman who was like this, much more harshly.

I'm with Hattytown.

He is in a jazz band and yes i have been to see him play and its amazing and i didnt know there was an age limit on music...i personaly love jazz music and thats one of the reasons we hit it off as my ex hated it and i also find we had lots of interests in common. Have i time for this? what do you mean? Have i time to enjoy an evening listening to some music with a companion? yes it woudl appear i do as when me and my husband seperated i have time on my own and why should i not enjoy things like music. I dont think i ever really saw it as a case of taking care of him as i am not financially able to do so but he does have a full time job as a postman then in a jazz band and wedding bands all making a some extra money as you know funding two girls dancing doesnt come cheap.

sorry not sure what you mean electric meter bands small village can you be more specific please?

As to how you shake it, you keep busy and you don't call him and you go out with your friends and enjoy your kids when they're with you. And work hard and just get on with your life. He is not a life enhancer by the sound of it. Probably quite glamorous in a way and sexy and all that but really, he's a bit of a loser isn't he? Sorry, I know that's not kind but he doesn't sound like a catch.

okay re the non declaring...its not his wife he is dodging and not sure i should be blurting this out but i suspect the tax? She was there manager up until a few months ago and knows this and i may have put this across wrongly. I mentioned the school parents evening defending him yes in that i dont think he is a shit dad and still meeting his parenting duties. He was suspicious of his daughter being upset as she stayed with him couple of days after the break and never uttered a word and infact doesnt contact him by text much anyway and like i said this was a normal weekend no different...it was his wife said she was upset.
So is this a method to help me feel better then? have a right go and hope i feel so shit by the end of this that i will say ahhhhhhhhh right silly me stop liking the guy your a stupid cow who needs to reset there radar.

I think that you will not hear anything negative about him because you are too besotted with him and therefore most advice given on this thread is useless to you. I sympathise as I am often similar when I like a man.

However this is not as romantic as you think it all is, it's actually very ordinary and you really need to establish some distance. Believe me I KNOW how hard this is to do. I recently broke up with a man who for various reasons it will never work with. I do not let myself think about him, I don't day dream about him, I am ruthless with cutting off immediately any thoughts of him. It does work, it's rubbish but it works. Maybe you could try that for a while to make yourself feel a bit better?

yes your right not a good catch but i really really fell for him and his chat and found him very interesting and i do miss that very much and feel like shit. I just wanted to know of any suggestions on something other than i do already and i know i am asking a stupid question on how to move on.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down and I'm sorry you feel hurt by him. And I hope it gets better for you. From the way you've described him, I can't take him at all seriously as a partner but if you do then you do. I still think you would be happier trying to forget him and perking your own life up in other ways. I'm signing out now because I think I'm one of the people who's annoyed you but good luck. Honestly.

Thankyou thankyou thankyou at last thats what i was looking for...i have called it off after a recent call asking for us to meet up again and i know all of the above it was the stage i am at now i was asking about...i am no longer with him at all but still daydream and ponder and ache yes i ache thinking about the good times and nice chats and you may laugh but has meant so very much to me after enduring a painful number of years with a husband that verbaly abused me so yeah shoot me down for defending him and being so weak i just wanted some hints and tips to move on.

Funding more than one child doing anything isn't cheap. I'm sure his ex wife would tell you the same. If he's paying more than the CSA would demand of him on a postman's earnings then he's only paying what is fair and most importantly proportionate to the costs involved of raising the children he has fathered. It's not as if his wife is sitting on her arse is it? She earns her own money and by the sounds of it made better career choices than he did.

I think what posters are hinting at is that he's in a low-paid job which was presumably his choice and he's supplementing his low earnings by gigs that he's not declaring as income either to his wife or the tax authorities, which is either fraud of a person or society.

You sound very critical of his ex-wife too and yet nothing you've posted about her seems to merit your digs at her.

Right this is what I do. If I start to think about him i

Go and play with one of my dc
I grab the dog for a play and cuddle
I go and do the washing up, there is ALWAYS washing up!
I take my dc to the park
I go for a long run
Housework of any kind

It has to be something active. Reading and Tv doesn't really work, though a good movie is fab because I'll laugh or cry and can release emotions that way.

I had a horrible ex H too so I do sympathise.

You will get over this but you have to help YOURSELF to do so.

Sorry i have nothing against his ex and bearing in mind i am the ex wife remember so i am not unfamiliar to all what is envolved with being the ex wife. I think again i mentioned the money he gives yes in defence that it was suggested he is shit man for not supporting his kids in one of the posts....that was not a dig at his wife as i too receive more than csa suggest as i have an ex who feels its his responsibility to raise his kids that way. He has been in music all his life and toured with his wife and kids for many years being his manager and it was always made aware that was his passion and from what i gather he selfishly chose music over his family and his wife said no more...understandably so. I have never got as far as looking into the future all be it sounds stupid but i was happy just to enjoy his company. I guess i was starting to see the side of him thats not so good and i just want to get over this.

akea thats great thanks and yes i have gutted my house top to bottom and it does work. Its like i have been hypnotised into feeling like this and i am sure i would be thinking exactly the same as everyone who has kindly posted on here if i was thinking straight...i am aware i sound like a loon. Thanks Akea thats very helpful and appreciated

sad I know it seems as though some of us are getting at you, but there is a bit of a pattern going on here isn't there?

You say your husband was verbally abusive to you for years, but your relationship ended when he had an affair. So you've got a history of putting up with bad treatment from people and waiting until they exit the relationship. Do you see similarities here?

If your esteem was higher, you wouldn't have made excuses for him being 'bad with phones', 'no internet connection' or getting hassle from his exW and family. You'd have realised that if someone wants you enough, they will move heaven and earth to be with you or contact you.

Wow, I am absolutely amazed that the council has seen fit to give a single man who has left his wife and children, a council house, although he is working full time, and does additional gigs! And even so soon after the split?

I think you have been fed a line of lies, and that you dont know him as well as you think. Methinks the "council house" was actually his marital home.

if your read back quintess....he private rents and he never left he was asked to leave.

Hattytown i think what you just said was spot on and i agree with you completely...that i find very constructive and appreciate your comment