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Relationships

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Original poster

If a guy has his kids EVERY weekend - can it work?

66 replies

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 15:39

So I'm due to meet this guy on Friday night. He sounds great but one thing bothering me is that he has his kids every weekend. Every Saturday until sunday. My kids go to their dad's every other saturday until Sunday.

This leaves me begging the question, when will we get to see each other? If Saturday night is the only night I'm child-free but he has his kids EVERY saturday night (they're teens but one has autism and can't be left alone) can it actually work?

I suppose another thing bothering me is - and it's a bit far fetched but - if we were to ever live together, I'd have NO child free weekends!! sounds selfish but I think this would get to me a bit!

Am I over thinking all this? what is your opinion on it?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 15:41

If it's bothering you before you've even met him, I'd pass. You'd never get his full attention.

rubyrubyruby · 10/04/2012 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cybbo · 10/04/2012 15:42

I think his children shoudl come first and you should fit round it tbh

FreckledLeopard · 10/04/2012 15:42

I'd also suggest moving on. Speaking from bitter experience with an autistic step son and a very dodgy marriage, go for someone without the ties.

rubyrubyruby · 10/04/2012 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Houseofplain · 10/04/2012 15:45

Well he sounds like a good guy. I think unfortunately you are going to have to compromise. Or don't date people with children. It's common now, for decent guys to have their kids several days a week, 50-50, or every weekend and co-oparent.

If you think it's going to be a issue beforehand it's a no go, I'd have thought. The only solution I can think of is don't date men with young kids who take their commitments to them seriously. Which kind of narrows down the decent men available in the 30-50 bracket.

MissFaversham · 10/04/2012 15:45

Don't go, it's not what you want really is it. Find someone that would be more of a fit for you.

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 15:47

I know his kids would and should always come first :) I also know that most parents don't get child-free weekends but I do and I'm used to that now!

I just can't help wondering if he actually has time for a relationship. I work all week (on easter hols at the moment, hence my excessive posting on here!) and the weekend is the only time I get. His weekends are always tied up with the kids and he's said he doesn't change his plans with the kids meaning it looks like it will be constantly left to me to find babysitters?

I also don't know much about autism, is it difficult? I know his son attends a special school so my understanding of it is that he must be quite high on the spectrum?

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/04/2012 15:47

But most parents don't get child free weekends

Tbh, if you are already resentful of his kids before you have even met him, then I wouldn't bother.

Casablancagirl · 10/04/2012 15:47

You know I think you give it a go and just see. You can be totally honest with him if it doesn't work out down the line but writing someone off at the outset based on imagined criteria, when there is some real dross out there, why?

FWIW, my partner and I have been together 2 months. I have one v independent DC who wanders between me and my ExH. He has 5 kids and a still existing (but v seperated) wife who changes arrangements week by week so we never know when he will be summoned (like this coming Sat and Sun....)

And I wouldn't have changed the last 2 months for anything as I have never loved anyone as much.

PandaNot · 10/04/2012 15:49

Can't you get a babysitter and go out during the week? (like lots of parents...)

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 15:51

He does sound a great bloke :) but in all honesty, the selfish side of me is thinking this will be a huge hassle everytime we want to meet.

Another thing!! if we ever did move in together, his children apparently need their own rooms. This means we'd either have to get a 5 bedroomed house so all the kids had their own rooms (like we'd ever be able to afford that!!) or my kids would have to share despite the fact that they would live their 100% of the time - even then we'd need a 4 bedroomed house which is still unrealistic finance wise!!

(yes I've thought about this too much not even met the guy yet but I don't want to waste time if there is no future in it).

OP posts:

unfloopy · 10/04/2012 15:51

Agree that many parents don't have a childfree weekend.

I'd also take a fella that was a committed father who wanted to spend time with his family anyday rather than one who didn't make an effort to see his children.

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 15:53

You know what, I think I'm just making excuses because I'm not ready for this shit yet.

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 10/04/2012 15:56

I think you've thought too far ahead, but enough to know you really are deep down wasting this guys time.

Sorry op. but if you are looking at dating a guy with kids.. Then it's a GOOD thing he sees them regularly at set times, etc. That is what DECENT guys do. People get babysitters.

A guy who'd mess his kids round for a woman, hardly sees them, is not a decent guy on the whole. So maybe if admittedly the selfish side of you can't cope with this. Do not date a guy with kids.

AmnesiaCustard · 10/04/2012 15:56

When I met my partner he had his kids (including one with autism and SLD) every weekend, to some extent because he could, ie had no other commitments. After several months he renegotiated with his exW so he had the kids every other weekend (at his house) and spend alternate weekends with me (at my house). As they are now older, the pattern has changed again. SS is at a residential school and OH has him for a weekend once a month, plus in the school holidays, and SD picks and chooses when she wants to see him.
As young people grow up, things do change. Are you prepared to wait?

rubyrubyruby · 10/04/2012 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

countingto10 · 10/04/2012 15:56

The autism is probably the issue. The ex probably needs a well deserved break at the weekends and it would also probably create huge problems changing the child's routine. In the long term, maybe something could be worked out whereby the father has them sometime in the week and not every weekend.

unfloopy · 10/04/2012 15:57

Maybe you're not ready then...in which case you don't have to deal with it.

You could meet him then decide if he's worth the 'hassle'. Nothing wrong with preparing yourself for getting in deep.

Casablancagirl · 10/04/2012 15:57

5 bedroom house? Have you heard of catastrophising? I'd be looking for a 7 bed house (and then there is the small issue that DP wants more children. And he has twins running in the family...) If I had worried about all this the night I agreed to go and have a chinese meal in January, I would have missed out on a beautiful trip to the remote West Coast of Ireland, stacks of fab time in bed and a man who can finally fix my car for me. And the fact that he loves me. But I'm guessing you already don't want it. I wanted this guy. We will deal with the kids.

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 15:58

I know it's a good thing, I'm not for one minute saying he shouldn't do this stuff. I'm simply wondering how it could work. I can't get babysitters every week.

OP posts:

first1 · 10/04/2012 15:59

Wow chickenskin you're seriously getting ahead of yourself. Be glad that he's seemingly a great dad who wants to spend time with his kids. (My dd's dad hasn't seen her for a month nor has he even text once to ask how she is but thats a different tangent...). Just meet him, and fgs take things slowww! Has he suggested in anyway that he wants something serious or more casual? Make sure you're on the same page. But as I've said before, I highly rate pof, I'm 12 weeks today with my pof man

QuintessentialShadows · 10/04/2012 15:59

Hmmm, some parents never have child free weekends.
Some parents need to arrange baby sitters every time they want to go out, or spend some time together.

He is one of those parents. And if you dont want to be a parent who has the kids every weekend, you should not bother.

Houseofplain · 10/04/2012 16:00

If he were right and you were ready. You'd make it work. I'm guessing it's neither.

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 16:01

I have heard of catastrophising - but I'm the kind of person who is obsessed with thinking things through - I need to consider all possibilities. I'm also shit scared of wasting anymore time.

I know I'm way ahead of myself by the way

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