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Relationships

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Original poster

If a guy has his kids EVERY weekend - can it work?

66 replies

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 15:39

So I'm due to meet this guy on Friday night. He sounds great but one thing bothering me is that he has his kids every weekend. Every Saturday until sunday. My kids go to their dad's every other saturday until Sunday.

This leaves me begging the question, when will we get to see each other? If Saturday night is the only night I'm child-free but he has his kids EVERY saturday night (they're teens but one has autism and can't be left alone) can it actually work?

I suppose another thing bothering me is - and it's a bit far fetched but - if we were to ever live together, I'd have NO child free weekends!! sounds selfish but I think this would get to me a bit!

Am I over thinking all this? what is your opinion on it?

OP posts:

FreakoidOrganisoid · 10/04/2012 19:07

Once you're in a proper relationship the no free weekends might not matter to you but it can make the dating and getting to know each other stage very difficult. It's fine to have no child free time when you're in a relationship (and yes, perfectly normal especially if you are with your child's other parent) but it's very very hard when you're trying to date and want to get to know someone without introducing them to your dc.

I know a couple of people who have their children every weekend and they both have a tendency to rush into relationships and go straight into full on coupledom because the only time they can see their new girlfriend is also when they have their children so dating is a complete PITA. This means they introduce the dc very early on which wouldn't be for me.

teatimesthree · 10/04/2012 19:20

OP, agree about the child free weekends. Am also single parent, and it is bloody hard being responsible for everything - from earning the money to putting bins out. With never even a chance that somebody else will say "I'll do that". Those in couples saying "well you have kids so no child free time for you" just don't get it.

For me, the child free time keeps me sane and feeling like myself. To spend it all with somebody else's kids would be a big ask.

I take my hat off to those lone parents who who never get a break.

marriednotdead · 10/04/2012 19:48

As others have said, you already resent the impact his DCs will have on your relationship, and you haven't even met him yet.

When I met DH, my DS went to his dads every weekend. And DH had his DS every weekend. We effectively just exchanged one DS for the other so there was no time off. It's hard work even if your heart is in it.

ImperialBlether · 10/04/2012 20:12

It's one thing having no time off from your own children - that comes with the territory, but if someone - due to a divorce - ends up with the odd night off, it doesn't mean she should want to spend it with someone else's children.

hatesponge · 10/04/2012 20:24

If it's not what you want, it's not what you want. Don't feel bad - or allow other people to make you feel bad - for having doubts about dating this guy. It is not a situation you feel comfortable with, so don't go there.

Being a single parent dating another one is tricky at the best of times, especially if either or both of the ex-partners/spouses are difficult about care. But I think you also have to look beyond the actual situation to what you can draw from it, iyswim. This man to me does not seem to be flexible - he is very much presenting you with a situation and saying this is how it is, take it or leave it. As Imperial (I think) said, it is the intransigence which would concern me. There may be good reasons for it, but I wouldn't want - in the long term - to have to fit my life and family around another family's needs rather than it being a two way process of accomodating each other.

FWIW, I would run a mile from this. I'd rather take the (small) risk of missing out on a little romance etc than the much larger risk of getting embroiled in a relationship which was never going to work on a practical level, and then have the time and upset of trying to extricate myself from it all.

Dating is all about working out what you do and don't want, figuring out what's important, what are red flags etc.

WibblyBibble · 10/04/2012 20:49

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Bonsoir · 10/04/2012 20:51

WibblyBibble - the DSSs live 50:50 with us and their mother and her partner and have done for years. Their mother does a lot less parenting than their father (my DP) does.

Bogeyface · 10/04/2012 20:55

How can she do alot less if it is 50:50?

Sounds like the only person with a problem with your DSSs mother is you!

fabulousdarling · 10/04/2012 20:56

Well shes the exception then Bonsoir as 99.99999 percent of the time it's the SP mother bearing the full wack of the responsibility. And if that really is the case with your DSS mother, how does that scenario apply to the O.P. who has her children majority of the time? I don't get your point.

elvisaintdead · 10/04/2012 20:57

We used to have every other week end childfree....then we had our own kids and you know what? It's great. But if you're having doubts already then maybe you should leave well alone

elvisaintdead · 10/04/2012 20:58

Our own kids together I meant (we both had our own already from previous relationships)

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 10/04/2012 21:29

I don't "resent" his children. I just wonder how the whole thing would gel if it ever did go further than the initial meet up.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 11/04/2012 17:29

Bogeyface - because she is Disney Mum incarnate and couldn't care less about school, manners, morals, the future. Children are hers to pick and put down to play with when she feels like it... We make all the parenting decisions in this household and have a hard time ensuring she cooperates.

Scorpiovenus · 25/06/2019 12:43

No this will not be a viable option.

You wont get time for a relationship.

thecatneuterer · 25/06/2019 12:48

@Scorpiovenus Why the hell are you reviving a seven year old thread?

Zombie alert!!!

Fielder7 · 25/06/2019 13:01

Just seriously dont do it.
I've dated guys with kids, as soon as you second guess it you know right away it's not for you. Theres nothing bad about that of course so dont feel guilty. But I can honestly say men with kids who see they see regularly just becomes a challenge.

It all boils down to if you want that kind of life. It might sound like a cliche but from.my experiences and literally everyone I know's experiences the ex was always there lurking in the background. I have kids so I'm.not saying theres anything wrong with that because when my ex dated women I wanted the best for the kids -i.e a good woman who liked kids and for them not to meet her right away so be prepared that if it does get serious you will eventually.hear some boundaries coming out. It can be draining and tedious. You basically have to give a shit about someone else's kids, and you may feel forced to do this...

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