If a guy has his kids EVERY weekend - can it work?

[ChickenSkin]

So I'm due to meet this guy on Friday night. He sounds great but one thing bothering me is that he has his kids every weekend. Every Saturday until sunday. My kids go to their dad's every other saturday until Sunday.

This leaves me begging the question, when will we get to see each other? If Saturday night is the only night I'm child-free but he has his kids EVERY saturday night (they're teens but one has autism and can't be left alone) can it actually work?

I suppose another thing bothering me is - and it's a bit far fetched but - if we were to ever live together, I'd have NO child free weekends!! sounds selfish but I think this would get to me a bit!

Am I over thinking all this? what is your opinion on it?

I'd leave it chickenskin tbh. If you are wondering how it will work, then move along the bus, there are plenty more fish in the see and all that!

At the posers saying many parents don't have child free weekends... true, but as a single parent doing 200% of the parenting the rest of the time can be very wearing. I'd rather have a full time partner/father for my dc's than my child free weekends, but thats just the way it works out sometimes!

Chickenskin, as you go along with on-line dating you start to get more choosy I think. Every time I discount a potential fella for one reason or another, I then won't consider someone else the same iyswim?! I honestly think there are enough single men out there for us all, but on the internet you don't get that 'click' as you do in rl, so other factors come in to our decision making process!!

I used to chat on-line or phone for ages before meeting them, and now I'm very matter of fact. If they are too short/too many dc's/ not enough free time/ no car/ no recent pics / can't spell / use text speak, I just don't bother!!

its quite liberating in a funny kind of way

The last time I got involved in a relationship without thoroughly thinking through the possibilities I ended up trapped in my own little hell for two years. Maybe that has damaged my psych somewhat!

MrsKeith, I agree, I also find myself dismissing people for no real reason and I think internet dating does make you over-analyse sometimes!

My dh had 2 dds from a previous relationship and they stayed with us every Thur - Mon. I had ds who stayed with me every weekend. We have two little ones as well. It was hard. The girls are older now and the eldest girl 18 stays with her Mother most of the time now and the younger one 16 stays here every Saturday night. Things change and kids move on. I thought I would never get to this stage. We had lots of fun times together and they stayed with us every weekend for over 7 years. I had to work a round it and I used to take a Friday off work so I could have a bit of time during the day while they were at school and ds use to come home for lunch so I could have a bit of time with him. It takes lots of compromise, patience and biting of tongues and occassional blow outs. Also there is a big difference between spending every weekend with your own children and spending every weekend with someone elses.

Do you even know he's looking for a relationship? Or something casual?

Like others have said, if you are asking the question then the answer is: no.

I'm not saying that harshly, but it's the truth. You are seeing the children as obstacles and problems. So I'd leave it here.

Find someone with less baggage.

Be interesting to know how his previous relationships have panned out - there doesn't seem to be room fo anyone new.

Really? He has his kids one night out of seven, one day out of seven and HE dosent have room for anyone new?

With all due respect to the op, I don't think he is the problem here. It's the op which is fair enough.

I read that he had them all weekend, Saturday and Sunday...?

Am a lone parent and exH has them one day at the weekend, and me the other. Maybe when they re a bit older we might do alternate weekends, or not, whatever suits. But if Op's prospective date has them all weekend am not sure where the dating fits in.

When you had children, you forfeited your right to child free weekends .

That's not all weekend. He has Friday, some of the day saturday. That's one day and night out of 7, he has six spare.

The real question is: Do you want a bigger full-time family with all its ups and downs, or do you want a full-on passionate romance with weekend wining and dining? If yes to the latter move on.

If I understand this correctly.....you haven't met the guy yet, but you're worried about how many bedrooms your house needs to have?!

Why not meet him and establish what sort of person he is (i.e. potential love-match, just-good-friend, or no thanks), and then worry about practicalities.

I didn't sign up to sacrificing all weekends when I had DD. Especially as now she's 11, she seems to spend inordinate amounts of time out with friends, at sleepovers and generally doing things, meaning I have plenty of free time at weekends. DSS, though, being autistic, means that DH and I don't really get a great deal of time together, since he requires significant attention, care and there's no real respite.

OP - if I were to date again, I would certainly try to minimise the baggage of any potential partner. I wouldn't want to date someone who had their children with them more than every other weekend. I wouldn't date someone whose children had SNs. That may make me a total bitch, but frankly, the pain of my current marriage has highlighted just how hard it is to accommodate such issues.

freckledleopard - if that makes you a total bitch, then it makes me one too. I agree with you. I am in the same place.

sorry, how are people saying "he sounds like a great guy"? OP has said nothing about him apart from the fact he has his dcs 1 night a week.

My DSSs' mother is of the mindset whereby she likes her child free weekend (with her DP, who also has a child) every other weekend.

The DSSs, who are older and increasingly wiser, despise her selfishness very greatly indeed. Beware!

Oh FreckledLeopard and AmnesiaCustard. I'm sorry things are painful marriagewise.

also OP couldn't you just ask him how he sees things working? he may have a great babysitter or family member who sits with his dcs so he can go out.

not sure why her children despise her for liking a childfree weekend. dont we all like having time off from our dcs? there is nothing wrong with that.

I have no children of my own. We've always had SS every weekend (often Fri to Sun) since we met.

The only child free weekends we ever get are during school holidays when he is at PIL for a weekend. No child free holiday in over 5 years.

Think very, very, very carefully about what you want out of it if you do get into a relationship. If I honestly knew then what I know now I might have walked away. I'm glad I didn't, because my DH is worth it, but it puts a huge strain on things, and you might find yourself resentful.

Chickenskin, I think you are very sensible and wise to consider this right at the outset! have a friend who stumbled into a situation like this and is now having a VERY tough time. And several friends with different variations of the weekend/DC arrangements, my (cynical???) view is that it is hard enough for two parents of the SAME DC to live sanely thru the years of constant childcare and especially with SN, that it is vastly more difficutl when you each have DC from different relationships. What they are all saying is that a 'boyfriend/girlfriend' scenario is okay, but moving in together a step too far...

I wouldn't do it, OP. I think you're doing the wrong thing by thinking ahead - what's the point in meeting someone that you fall for and that you can't ever get to see?

He is adamant his situation can't change. He will always have his kids at the weekends and they will always need their own rooms. It's inevitable this means that the OP won't be able to see him during her only free time and if by a miracle they did live together, she wouldn't be able to afford the house.

It's his intransigence that would stop me meeting him.

Just to say O.P. SP with child-free weekends usually fall into one of two camps: They either hate being without their children for those couple of days they're with their ex and miss them terribly or they relish a couple of days of respite from the needs and wants of kids and enjoy themselves. Frankly I was in the second category. I could plan my weekends, go out to dinner and stay late, even go for weekends away in France etc.

No way in hell would I have given up that opportunity to remember what life was like before kids for someone I hadn't yet developed strong feelings for. I'm not saying I wouldn't take a man on with children, but I wouldn't intentionally pick a man with added responsibilities if there were other choices available.

It's not selfish to want some free independent time, or a man who can put you first. Especially if you've been through the mill recently and don't want the added stress factor.

I'd also say that when you take a person on with kids what's important is not just that you love them but whether you can love - not just like or tolerate - their kids. I adore my own children, but honestly am not always hot on other peoples.

I think there is some lovely woman just waiting for this guy who wants more and is willing and ready to love a whole family. I think you should give this guy the opportunity to find her, because if I gauge your post correctly you're not what he needs and he's not what you need right now either.

Don't let yourself get emotionally entangled and then change your mind later!

I also love my child-free weekends. I get no help from the boys' father throughout the weeks that I have them, it's me that does everything. The cooking, the cleaning, the gardening, the DIY, the dentist appointments, the doctors appointments, the school "stuff", the homework, sorting out arguments, full time work - the lot. If it's selfish of me to enjoy and god forbid, look forward to that ONE night a fortnight where I can just be 'me' and chill out - then so be it because I'm not ready to give it up. I realise that now.