What the frickety frick should I do?

[MyDogShitsShoes]

H and I separated in Dec after I found out he had been sexting a mutual friend. Started a thread about it at the time but ended up having to get it deleted because I stupidly started it using a reg we shared

In a nutshell it was the final straw as it was the 4th time I'd caught him doing something like this.

He also had a porn/fetish addiction, not anything harmful or particularly weird but he was very specific about it and we never did anything else.

Since he left he has done nothing but apologise. He has admitted everything, agreed that he has major problems and accepted responsibility for everything. He's also been great with ds (4 months old when we split, now 8 months).

He had a pretty traumatic childhood and a father who I consider to be EA. He has made progress surrounding this as previously he wouldn't even consider that his parents and childhood had been anything but perfect and idilic. He is slowly coming to terms with his past but it will be a long road. He does however accept that this has had a profound effect on his adult life and that he is emotionally stunted because of it.

I'm doing really well on my own, coping way better than I ever imagined I would and just getting on with it to be honest. We struggle financially as the rent is a lot higher than the local LHA and I don't have any savings so can't afford to move but we manage and DS never goes without.

The thing is I miss him. I miss being married. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss holding someone's hand. I miss being affectionate/cuddling. I miss having someone to go places with.

I hate that I do everything alone. Just going to the supermarket, shops, for a walk, to visit family/friends is so fucking lonely.

I went out last night with friends. It was great to relax for the first time in ages, especially as ds has been really ill over the last couple of weeks. I am blessed to have wonderful friends and had a fantastic time. Then I cried all the way home.

Everyone was in a couple bar me and 2 others. There were no pda's but they are all just so comfortable and happy with each other, I really miss that. The only 2 other single people hadn't met before so had a great time flirting and ended up going home together.

I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not married but I can't just be single, I have responsibilities. I'm stuck in limbo and will be for ever. It's not like I'm going to find anyone else. Who wants to date a slightly chubby 32 year old divorcee with a baby, trust ishoos, no babysitters and too many cats!

I so want him back but every time I think about it I know it couldn't ever be the same. What we had has been taken away from me, however much I want to I will never feel the same way about him as I did. I can't ever forgive or forget what he's done.

So where does that leave me? In a self-pitying hole that's where. But how the hell do I dig myself out of it? I just want to forgive him and move on but I can't. He's here visiting ds as he has been every day since he's been ill. They're cuddled up asleep on the sofa and I just want to weep. I want to go over there and cuddle up with them but I just can't. I want my family back.

Wow that was a stream of consciousness type post if ever I saw one! One giant brain-dump!

Sorry . Not even sure why I posted it to be honest, no idea what I want anyone to say

Helped to get it out though!

It's very tough in the early days being single if you're not used to it but it's far tougher being in a relationship with someone you can't trust. Once is a mistake... four times is a bad habit. And if you'd caught him 4 times, there were another 10 you didn't get wind of. Of course he's overwhelmed with apologies because he's realised he's blown it. And as for being emotionally stunted... well, anyone can blame a bad childhood when it suits them. Adults make their own decisions.

You have to stay strong and that means distancing him from your life more than you're currently doing. Don't let him visit every day, for example, or you won't be able to move on, create a future and regain your confidence. He'll always be there, dragging you back down, reminding you of the past. Don't get with anyone just because you don't like being alone - least of all him. Good luck

Can't believe anyone could actually be bothered to read through all that verbal diarhea let alone post!

Thank you!

You're right I know it. I do need more distance, it's just hard with having ds. It took us a long hard 4 years to conceive so he is very precious to both of us. I know H really misses him.

I was 38, separated, had 3 children and felt that way too. But chin up girl cos there are plenty of good guys out there. I found one when I wasn't looking and you will too. It's normal to miss company but that doesn't mean you have to go back to a bad relationship and 'settle'.

My mum was a single mum in the 70s, 2 kids and no way of working, aged 27. She met and married my step-father aged 32 and they've now been married for over 30 years. Ironically, they met when she was ordered to go round to his house by her best friend, who was buying said house, ostensibly to 'help measure up for curtains'. (In reality so the best friend could set them up). Last weekend my mum and step-dad were here putting up curtains for me, but that really was just to put curtains up .

Listen. You caught him sexting or similar FOUR TIMES. This is not a guy who was going to learn his lesson. You can have your little family (and it's understandable to want that) but at the cost of accepting he will never be able to give you a relationship in which you can fully trust.

Or you can move on. He can still be a great dad to your ds, no question about that. But you can get on with your life, and who knows what may come your way.

I know exactly what you mean about hating doing everything on your own, but you have to remember the greatest loneliness is inside a crap relationship.

Can you tell me why you have so many cats? I know a lot of people would see this as a situation they really wouldn't want to get involved with.

"I know H really misses him"

Sounds awful but he really should have thought of that before he went down the path he did and destroyed the family. A good man that desperately wants children would want to set a good example, not let them down even before they've arrived. Your ex can still be dad without having to be in your home all the time.

Was exaggeration a bit Imperial only have 2

Cogito you're right again.

Ohh okay, a woman I work with has 17 so I was half expecting that!

Ha, not a crazy cat lady yet!

Never say never though..........

No it was established on another thread that I'm actually going to be an old spinster with a snake and dolls!

I think what I need to know is how do I stop missing him?

I hate being so bloody lonely. It doesn't matter how many people are in the room I still feel lonely.

I want to put everything behind us and move on. He's more than willing to go to counselling, has already been going on his own.

I want to walk up and put my arms around him but something stops me. It's like I physically can't do it.

Something inside me has switched off and I don't know how to switch it on again.

My love, this is exactly the time when you WILL feel low. It's so early after the split, understandable that now the adrenaline has passed, you see the dust clearing and view your life as it is. It needs work.

It's OK. It means that you have got past the initial shock, and now have the next phase of your life to live.

Your life is empty..? Go find something to do.

I remember how desolate I felt at about 6m post split. It was excruciating to see what a non-life I was leading. I don't even have any friends around here to go out with. It's MISERABLE at times.

I am making attempts to change that though, little by little. You will get there. I promise you will, just hold on a little longer, make some kind changes in your life and things will improve.

I am blessed in that I have the most wonderful friends thankfully. I am grateful for that every day. I have no idea how I would cope without them.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you houdini

Also I go back to work next month so although I am absolutely dreading it we will be much better off financially so that's one big stress gone.

"how do I stop missing him?"

You don't miss him really. That's why you don't go up to him and give him a hug. What you actually miss is companionship and being part of a couple. You miss the normality of life as a pair. You don't miss the sinking feeling you had when you found those texts. You don't miss the porn/fetish stuff that substituted for a sex-life. If you feel like a social pariah, abandoned, isolated, odd-one-out, having to do everything solo, blame him for putting you in that situation & making you feel that way. Then remove your sick baby, kick him off the sofa and don't let him back through the door for a good long time.

Agree about making plans. When my marriage broke up I also felt awkward with old friends of 'ours'... like Bridget Jones I couldn't abide the 'smug marrieds' who probably didn't regard me with pity but that's certainly how it felt. Do find things to do and get a regular babysitter so that you get out and do them. Make new friends as part of your new life. The more you fill it up, the less space there is for Mr Yesterday's Potatoes.

No real advice but just wanted to tell you I was on my own aged 30 with three DC under 5. I was resigned to being on my own for EVER. But within 18 months I was married again, with a baby on the way. That was ten years ago now and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
The question is - do you really think that you and DH can make a go of it? If you do then go for it. Better to walk away from a marriage knowing that you gave it every shot you had than wonder if you could have done more.
If you don't think it would work then keep moving on - every day gets easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Are you saying you want to give him another chance?

Or is this the really hard bit before you start to come out the other side.

Cogito, GREAT advice.

Cogito I think I need a mini you to sit on my shoulder Jimminy Cricket styley!

I desperately want to give him another chance but I just can't. I see a totally different person when I look at him now. It's stupid and pointless I know but I just want my old life back, I want to love him again.

Luckily my friends were my friends to start with so he doesn't have any contact with them now. That would really finish me off!

I just need a kick up the arse and to stop wallowing!

You want him to be a decent person, that is normal, we all want that, but you know the truth is that he will never be that person. Giving up on the HOPE of him is as hard as getting him out of your life to begin with.

You are nervous about the work thing too and need some reassurance. That's OK and understandable.

I had to overcome agoraphobia, going back to work really helped me to do that, life will get better.

do you miss him or do you miss a relationship.
Do you still love him, or are you just lonely?

if its him you miss and you love him, then maybe its worth getting some couples counselling and taking it slowly, maybe living apart but seeing each other?

How would you feel about a different partner, or how would you feel if he got someone else?

is there any chance that the counselling he is having is working? If you now go together you may find out what challenges his councillor has set him and whether you think he is up to it. you can definatly make it on your own you are obviously a strong lady and your son is lucky to have you. maybe his remorse is genuine now he really knows what he has lost! nobody though can really advise you because only you know what you have been through and what you really feel.

That's what's so hard Dinah I don't love him anymore but I still love the person I thought he was IYSWIM.

I can definitely see myself with someone else, I just don't see how it could happen.

I honestly don't know how I'd feel if he found someone else.

It absolutely does feel like "giving up on the hope of him".

I think I just feel exhausted by it all. I'm sick of coping.

I'm turning into a bitter old cow. I look at couples I know, how they look at each other. The absolute trust and faith. I will never feel that again and it makes me so sad.

OP there is always hope!!
maybe not for him to be the person you thought he was, but better! now he is getting the professional help he has needed.
NEVER give up hope that the future will be better than the past whether you repair your marriage or not every new day is a new start and YOU CAN DO IT (whatever IT is)

Thank you.

I just need to carry on putting one foot in front of the other I guess.

And to stop feeling sorry for myself