What the frickety frick should I do?

[MyDogShitsShoes]

H and I separated in Dec after I found out he had been sexting a mutual friend. Started a thread about it at the time but ended up having to get it deleted because I stupidly started it using a reg we shared

In a nutshell it was the final straw as it was the 4th time I'd caught him doing something like this.

He also had a porn/fetish addiction, not anything harmful or particularly weird but he was very specific about it and we never did anything else.

Since he left he has done nothing but apologise. He has admitted everything, agreed that he has major problems and accepted responsibility for everything. He's also been great with ds (4 months old when we split, now 8 months).

He had a pretty traumatic childhood and a father who I consider to be EA. He has made progress surrounding this as previously he wouldn't even consider that his parents and childhood had been anything but perfect and idilic. He is slowly coming to terms with his past but it will be a long road. He does however accept that this has had a profound effect on his adult life and that he is emotionally stunted because of it.

I'm doing really well on my own, coping way better than I ever imagined I would and just getting on with it to be honest. We struggle financially as the rent is a lot higher than the local LHA and I don't have any savings so can't afford to move but we manage and DS never goes without.

The thing is I miss him. I miss being married. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss holding someone's hand. I miss being affectionate/cuddling. I miss having someone to go places with.

I hate that I do everything alone. Just going to the supermarket, shops, for a walk, to visit family/friends is so fucking lonely.

I went out last night with friends. It was great to relax for the first time in ages, especially as ds has been really ill over the last couple of weeks. I am blessed to have wonderful friends and had a fantastic time. Then I cried all the way home.

Everyone was in a couple bar me and 2 others. There were no pda's but they are all just so comfortable and happy with each other, I really miss that. The only 2 other single people hadn't met before so had a great time flirting and ended up going home together.

I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not married but I can't just be single, I have responsibilities. I'm stuck in limbo and will be for ever. It's not like I'm going to find anyone else. Who wants to date a slightly chubby 32 year old divorcee with a baby, trust ishoos, no babysitters and too many cats!

I so want him back but every time I think about it I know it couldn't ever be the same. What we had has been taken away from me, however much I want to I will never feel the same way about him as I did. I can't ever forgive or forget what he's done.

So where does that leave me? In a self-pitying hole that's where. But how the hell do I dig myself out of it? I just want to forgive him and move on but I can't. He's here visiting ds as he has been every day since he's been ill. They're cuddled up asleep on the sofa and I just want to weep. I want to go over there and cuddle up with them but I just can't. I want my family back.

Urgh, I hate this!

Someone kick me up the arse!

I can't stand being so pathetic. I'm just so bloody bitter about it all. I want my old life back, the one before he did any of this crap.

I want to feel safe and secure and completely in love never once doubting that he felt the same. How do I stop feeling sad that I will never feel that again?

It wouldn't matter if I took him back or found someone else i'll never have that feeling again.

I don't know how to put it into words. Everything has changed forever. It's like my rose-tinted glasses have come off and the world looks completely different.

I will never completely trust anyone ever again. I know that anyone can hurt you at any moment. It sounds stupid but i'm jealous of all the people who don't think like that. All the people who are completely in love and have total faith in each other because it would never occur to them not to have it.

None of that even makes any sense, I find it impossible to put it into words.

I just find it so overwhelming to be 100% responsible for everything 100% of the time. The fact that this is how it's going to be forever is so fucking depressing.

Needy bump

I think what you're going through is loss of innocence. It happens to most people at some point in their lives. And you have to bear in mind, those people you think have perfect relationships and complete trust probably have problems of their own that you don't know about. They may not be ones if infidelity but no relationship is perfect. Yours wasn't either, before you knew he had been doing the things he did, it just seemed that way.

A loss of trust, a betrayal in your home, is a huge thing to deal with and it's no surprise that you are so hurt, confused and angry. But you are no more responsible for everything 100% of the time now than you were before - if he intends to step up to his responsibilities as a parent. (I know that's easy for me to say and I'm sure many lone parents will be laughing hollowly at this remark).

I think you know in yourself that if you were still with him you'd be living a lie. And that would be far worse than living alone.

You're right, I know it.

Just having a wobble I guess. It all just feels so huge.

He is great with ds in fairness but he recently lost his job so contributes nothing financially.

I think my problem is that I've taken a.step back and looked at the whole situation at once. It's way way too much to take in when I do that.

If I just go day to day I can do it but thinking about the relentlessness of it all and looking to the future is soul-destroying.

OP pull yourself together, and stop whinging about how you want your old life back. Because you don't. And you know you don't. Your old life was full of sexting, suspicion and confusion.

I do hereby give you a kick up the bum. >

Put the "I'm so looooonely" wailing thoughts out of your head and start organising a brand new activity for yourself. You described yourself as slightly chubby. Want to change that? Join Weightwatchers/Jenny Craig/Slimming World and meet likeminded people. Safely. Get your ex to babysit or organise a paid babysitter for a couple of hours once a week.

Come on now, woman, get a grip. This is the miserable bit that comes before the "wow, I can really cope and look at my busy and full diary". You sound intelligent & nice, and I bet you have great friends. Has one of them got a hobby you could join in with? Are you working - any colleagues you could get to know better/join in/suggest something to? Come on, there must be something! Think!!!

Do not, NOT, spend the rest of today thinking about what you miss. Because it didn't exist. Think about what you can look forward to - the "wow, I can really cope and look at my busy and full diary" bit.

Have a bunch of , and feel good about getting this far.

It IS huge.

This is the worst it will get, you know. This is the lowest point. From here it WILL get better. At the moment:

• you are still in shock, processing it all
• you are still used to being in a couple-relationship, and you miss it like crazy, not HIM, but the companionship/support - yes that is a huge change and one that takes time to get used to
• you have a small child, so things are physically tough - it's YOU doing all the running round/nose wiping/ being there
• money is tight and you are worrying about it
• because you have all this responsibility and your time is taken up with your child, you feel isolated and can't imagine how you go about meeting someone else - you are right - you are not in a couple but neither are you 'single' and 'fancy free'

This is an enormous amount to bear.

Go easy on yourself. All of these aspects of your life will IMPROVE over time, some quicker than others, and you will THRIVE. It's just that now you are in the deepest part of the pit and can't see it - perfectly normal.

In the future?

• once you get over the shock, and have time to reflect, the REALITY will dawn. You have been brave enough to get out of a relationship that would have made your life more miserable than happy. You have had the guts to start again and have a chance at REAL happiness.
• you will get used, for the time being, to being alone. Yes it will be hard, but this loneliness will fade... and you will also be able to appreciate the good parts of being independent.
• your DS will get bigger. This phase of total dependency won't last. Once your life gets its new structure, school/nursery patterns and a new network of support (even if it's more expensive and not as extensive as it once was) you will build a new pattern of 'me time', work, play, rest etc.
• money - one thing you now WON'T have in your life is the unreliability of a flaky partner. As a single person, help is available to you.
• once your new pattern is up and running, then YES you will be in a position to meet someone new. Once things settle, YES you will be able to get a babysitter and go on dates etc.

But all this is for the future. I understand what you are saying about the loss of innocence. It's true, you HAVE lost that. But you will also have gained - the wisdom that comes through having lived through a tough and terrible time, the faith in your own strength that you've now put to the test. And yes you WILL trust again. Probably from a better, wiser position of being a hardened, experienced judge of character!

All of this will pass, but the strength that you will gain from this time in your life will stay with you forever.

I think the feeling of 'why can't that person love me the way they did and why can't we be the same as we were?' never quite goes away - I split with my exBF over 5 years ago and now happily married to someone else, but I never quite got over losing exBF as a friend if that makes sense.

It took years to accept that, besides the relationship itself being over, I had lost exBF as a friend and companion too - I couldn't just pick up the phone or send him a text if something funny had happened or I'd had a bad day at work.

I no longer had a 'go-to' person who would listen to my woes and laugh me out of my worries...but then I remind myself he'd usually dismiss my problems or find a way of twisting them round so that it felt like the problem was with me (this was when I was having big issues with work, I tried to confide in him but he just shrugged it off as if it was nothing to worry about) - so actually, he wasn't the best person to confide in at all.

I know it's hard if lots of your friends are in couples, but clearly they like YOU and want to spend time with you, so they are there for you as support and companionship that your ex can't give you any more.

I was just conscious of not wanting to offload too much on any one person, in case they felt put-upon - main thing is to see as many friends as you can, keep busy, try and make new friends, and every time something good happens, you can say to yourself 'this would never have happened if I was still with DH...I am experiencing all these new things for myself and shaping my own life, and I am enjoying it!'

It does become a self-fulfilling prophecy - go out and do the things you enjoy and it will help make you feel happy, but it does require effort to MAKE yourself do it. In my case as I was single and had no responsibilities, I went on holiday to all the places I'd wanted to go but exBF hadn't, and bought a house & renovated it by myself, which I'd always wanted to do, but he didn't want to.

In your case I would be thinking of all the fun things you can do with DS and his friends as he grows (do you have other mums from NCT or some other local support group you can meet?) and focus on making all his early memories as happy and fun-filled as they can be.

Doctor thank you, you put it all perfectly. I so desperately hope your predictions for the future come true!

Marshmallow I understand exactly what you mean. It sounds stupid but I don't watch tv anymore, just don't enjoy it without him being there to comment on it with. (My god that looks pathetic when it's written down)

You're all right I know you are I'm just still so very bitter and I don't want to be. I want to be strong and get all Gloria Gaynor on his arse. Instead I'm just sad.

MyDog yes I was exactly the same about favourite TV shows with my ex, I couldn't bear to watch them without him. In the early days I used to go round to his flat or he'd come to mine to watch TV just because we both missed the companionship of watching it together. I would literally go across London to watch an hour of TV with him and then go home to my own flat!

That feeling does wear off eventually, believe me! Later on I was glad I could watch stuff I liked that he would have whined about, and give it a few more months, there'll be new things on TV, new music/film/etc and you can start to build up new associations & memories that have nothing to do with him.

My sympathies to you OP, I'm in a very similar place. I've recently ended my relationship with my P as I'd reached a point where I felt I didn't love him, couldn't envisage us being happy together and really wanted to be on my own. We have had lots of problems over the years, lots of arguments, disagreed on almost everything, he was rather controlling and insecure and could be quite unpleasant.

I've gone from feeling strong and positive to an absolute wreck. I'm terrified about the future and the prospect that I will never meet anyone else to be happy with. I'm suddenly all too aware of all the 'couply' things we will no longer do together. These feelings have all started because he has met someone else already and moved on very quickly.

I am so tempted to ask him if we can try again, even though I know deep down it would never work.

I don't really have any useful advice for you, but wanted to let you know you are not alone. We just have to soldier through this painful time, to hopefully come out the other side stronger and happier (easier said than done, I know).

start I think I am who you think u am if that makes sense! It's so kind of you to say you thought of me, actually makes me a bit teary!

I do need more distance. It's so easy to just let him come round all the time but I know it's making it harder in the long run iyswim.

I can do great for ages then it just all hits me in the face again. I go from angry to sad in equal measure. I feel so very sad that after everything we went through together we should be finally enjoying being a family. Then I get all wound up and think how could he do this.

your old life never really existed in the way you thought it did..however it is possible to have a NEW old life. I am going to be controversial here.. not to hurt you.. but to try and give you another perspective. here goes shoot me down in flames if you like but I mean this most kindly. People CAN change if they truly WANT to, if he is truly sorry, really understands what he has done, and is getting professional help with his problems it may be a basis for a brave new start if there is love left. please don't think I mean to rub salt in an open wound its just I believe sometimes things can work out. He did a terrible thing and if you decide to make a premanent break I'm sure you and DS will have a great life you sound lovely and loving but ther just may be another way.

No flames from me mum

You're absolutely right that my old life didn't exist, that's why it feels so bloody stupid to be mourning it. But it's also why I feel so utterly lost, we were together for 12 years.

I'm prattling on about missing something I never had.

Haven't told my friends any of the other stuff, just the texting. Couldn't ever imagine admitting it all to be honest. The fact that I not only put up with it but accpeted it as normal makes me feel like a prize twat .

Problem is, as you said, that he isn't a twunt about anything else. He's a genuinely lovely guy and we get on great. His issues just go way way deeper than I can help him with. If I'm honest I'm not sure anyone can and that makaes me sad for him as well as me. I truly believe him when he says he doesn't want to be like this.

I wish with all my heart that he could change but I can't help feeling that it's gone on too long and is too entrenched in his psyche. He's been this way his whole adult life, can trace it all back to his childhood. It most definitely was his choice to begin with, I recognise that, but I don't think he is capable of changing the way he thinks, however much he may want to.

Also I recognise in myself now that I don't want to be with someone who thinks "I want to do that but I won't because it's the wrong thing to do and I will lose my family", I want to be with someone who doesn't think it in the first place.

there must be something worth saving if you were together for so long!!
please don't mourn for the old life, take the good bits, learn from the bad bits and try to move forward together. IF HE IS WORTH IT HE WILL WANT TO CHANGE if not move on you have so much to give and DS will always lve you no matter what

I think that life abhors a vacuum and just because you can't see which man is round the corner doesn't mean he isn't there.

You sound lovely to me, and I think you miss partnership more than your actual husband, who seemed to let you down. I'd hold on tight if I were you, and enjoy the summer, and be the single woman who gets to flirt!!! And see what life brings you. 32 is young. x

Hi Dog, you have some great advice and support on here and my heart goes out to you. Your description of how you are feeling is the same as how I felt after my partner of 5 years walked out on me with no warning. The feeling lonely in a crowded room was probably the most difficult for me to cope with and for me it was the onset of mild depression. I went to doc's and got a bit of help and very quickly after that I got my feelings back undercontrol. If you think you could have a bit of depression it's probably worth popping to G.P. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks hyper I do think about doing that but then I think no, it would be weird to not be feeling depressed IYSWIM.

I do cope ok most of the time, think that's the problem to be honest. Cope a bit too well so need to kind of take a day off every so often if that makes any sense.

I'll probably wake up in the morning feeling ok-ish again. Jut some days are harder than other I suppose.

Having MN to come to when it does all get a bit to much is just invaluable. I really can't thank everyone enough.

Morning! That does make sense, I've always been good at coping too, in general I'm strong and independent, but it crept up on me slowly while I was busy keeping going! Just something to keep an eye on. Hope you slept ok last night, x

That sounds exactly like me too, hadn't even thought of it like that. I'll give it a week or so and see how I feel.

Thank you x

You are mourning what you thought you had, it is only natural. But dont go back to it. It will be paramount to telling him that you accept what he is doing, you prefer that to rebuilding (a glorious) life for yourself. Which you are not.

He wont change. This is who he is, and now he is jobless to boot, what a catch!

Join an activity you are interested in. Ramblers association, or something to bring you outdoors meeting new people.

I think the issue here is self esteem. You are so down on yourself "who would want a chubby 32 year old with a baby etc" and this is due to you accepting his poor behaviour. I see a lot of women in my job with confidence issues and once we flip their mindset they realise a huge amount of possibilities that they hadn't even considered before. Also once you value yourself more, you'll see his behaviour change towards you anyway because once you change your piece of the jigsaw, the other pieces just won't fit so they need to change to fit you or else you find a new puzzle.

Hi quint ( that you've seen this) I won't go back, I know you're right.

I think going back to work and going out the other night just made me see my future for the first time. Up til now I'd never looked further than tomorrow. The enormity and relentlessness of it all just hit me in the face I suppose.

I've still kept the original thread you emailed to me (before the whole deletion/namechange fiasco!) and I do re-read it when I feel my resolve slipping.

It's bloody painful to read but well as re-reading the advice it also helps to remember just how hurt I was. It's so easy to look at him now and just remember the good times.

Just a wobble I promise.