What the frickety frick should I do?

[MyDogShitsShoes]

H and I separated in Dec after I found out he had been sexting a mutual friend. Started a thread about it at the time but ended up having to get it deleted because I stupidly started it using a reg we shared

In a nutshell it was the final straw as it was the 4th time I'd caught him doing something like this.

He also had a porn/fetish addiction, not anything harmful or particularly weird but he was very specific about it and we never did anything else.

Since he left he has done nothing but apologise. He has admitted everything, agreed that he has major problems and accepted responsibility for everything. He's also been great with ds (4 months old when we split, now 8 months).

He had a pretty traumatic childhood and a father who I consider to be EA. He has made progress surrounding this as previously he wouldn't even consider that his parents and childhood had been anything but perfect and idilic. He is slowly coming to terms with his past but it will be a long road. He does however accept that this has had a profound effect on his adult life and that he is emotionally stunted because of it.

I'm doing really well on my own, coping way better than I ever imagined I would and just getting on with it to be honest. We struggle financially as the rent is a lot higher than the local LHA and I don't have any savings so can't afford to move but we manage and DS never goes without.

The thing is I miss him. I miss being married. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss holding someone's hand. I miss being affectionate/cuddling. I miss having someone to go places with.

I hate that I do everything alone. Just going to the supermarket, shops, for a walk, to visit family/friends is so fucking lonely.

I went out last night with friends. It was great to relax for the first time in ages, especially as ds has been really ill over the last couple of weeks. I am blessed to have wonderful friends and had a fantastic time. Then I cried all the way home.

Everyone was in a couple bar me and 2 others. There were no pda's but they are all just so comfortable and happy with each other, I really miss that. The only 2 other single people hadn't met before so had a great time flirting and ended up going home together.

I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not married but I can't just be single, I have responsibilities. I'm stuck in limbo and will be for ever. It's not like I'm going to find anyone else. Who wants to date a slightly chubby 32 year old divorcee with a baby, trust ishoos, no babysitters and too many cats!

I so want him back but every time I think about it I know it couldn't ever be the same. What we had has been taken away from me, however much I want to I will never feel the same way about him as I did. I can't ever forgive or forget what he's done.

So where does that leave me? In a self-pitying hole that's where. But how the hell do I dig myself out of it? I just want to forgive him and move on but I can't. He's here visiting ds as he has been every day since he's been ill. They're cuddled up asleep on the sofa and I just want to weep. I want to go over there and cuddle up with them but I just can't. I want my family back.

afish you're right about the self-confidence thing. It's definitely something I need to work on.

I'd recommend finding a therapist to work on confidence, self esteem and identity and you'll find the solutions become obvious after that. I work as a combined hypnotherapist and NLP practitioner and use these together to gain fast and positive results with my clients. You can't change him unless he works on himself so working on yourself is the only true option x

I think you are doing well. You have ended it. You are moving on.

It is so easy to look in the mirror and be critical but I bet the way you see yourself isn't the same way that others see you. Choose one thing about yourself that you like, hair colour, eyes, hands whatever...when you have come to appreciate them, find something else next week. Ask a friend if you like - one of mine once told me she liked my skin - my skin is awful imo, prone to spots etc but I do look after it. It surprised me that not everyone saw the same as I did.

I think going back to work will also help your self-esteem. Are you looking forward to it? can you buy yourself a little treat to make you feel good when you are there? Doesn't have to be clothes, maybe a body spray, nice shower gel...you sound like a lovely person btw

I find this thread so very sad non of you think counselling works, all think once a man has made mistakes he is completlly and forever unredeemable, no matter that he may be truly sorry and having treatment not just saying the "right" thing. surely we are not all man haters surely there must be some room for forgiveness and a new start. I do NOT condone any sort of marital infidelity wether it be actual or just IT based nothing should go unpunished and I do not belittle any of the deep pain and anguish that has been caused.I just believe that true remorse is a fact and should not every time be totally disbelieved

miminamess, but HE has to sort himself out. HE DOES.

The OP can't do it, and tbh, can't be near him for him to do this.

He needs therapy, but fixing him will take time, if indeed he can repair the damage.

meanwhile OP is collateral damage? No, not on.

'Action, not words.' To quote the MN Oracle of Sayings

MyDog, your post on rose tinted glasses really resounded with me, I think we are all sadly affected by something in our lives which changes our world view to an extent we are never really the same after. So you are mourning that loss of how things work along with the loss of a relationship. And mourning is a process. Not quick, not easy, but some day it ceases to be quite so consuming and you find peace.

MyDog, I know exactly how you feel. I dumped my useless P nine months ago. Best thing I ever did. But those feelings of sadness at losing a friend and anger at him not being the man I thought he was are part of the grieving process.

Although it feels grim it's your psyche working normally to help you get through it. Which is a good thing. Without this process you would would never learn and never move on. You can't lose yourself in your ex any more and that means you're alone with yourself, which you don't like, judging by your self-deprecating comments. But you are doing fine. Your gut instinct is working well. You know you can't go back. This means you are already starting to move on.

Feel needy and wrecked by all means. Grief is exhausting, but unavoidable. I always use the broken leg analogy - if you break a bone then it needs attention, healing, and Physio. Walk on it before it's ready to bear the weight and it will set you back considerably.
Read up on grief, get to know it. Have a good wallow but not for too long. There's a gorgeous woman in the mirror who needs some TLC.