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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DW makes me so sad

75 replies

TheMareofCasterbridge · 09/04/2012 11:21

Lovely Easter with family, little pressies and handmade gifts. I'd made something for DW (am not very artistic, so this is unusual). She thanked me a gave me an awkward hug, such as you might give a colleague or relative. This is the extent of our affection and physical relationship now. :(

OP posts:
ivanapoo · 09/04/2012 11:38

Sorry to hear this, what does she say when you try to talk to her about it?

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 09/04/2012 11:49

Sad for you Mare. Have you been able to talk with her?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 11:54

Sounds like it's all over bar the shouting. Sorry about that. How long have you been together.

DadIsSad · 09/04/2012 16:00

I was going to give different advice - but then I went and looked at your comments on the "sexless but loving marriage" thread. It seems you've agreed "to ban sex, sexual touching and kissing altogether to avoid confused messages" - which probably explains her reaction. Or was it even less than you were expecting given that agreement?

FWIW I'm in a similar situation to you - am in a sexless marriage, which is pretty much the state since the conception of our first child 6 years ago (it only took 1 attempt to conceive our second child :( ). I didn't even get a hug yesterday when giving DW a little box of chocolates (not even a smile) - though I am still hoping all is not lost - she did apologise later and we discussed how upset I was. Thanks for the tip on something handmade BTW - that helps me out for an idea at least.

Original poster
TheMareofCasterbridge · 09/04/2012 20:34

No point talking about it, only ends in lots of upset.

We've been together a decade or so but has been "over" for a long long time, probably since before we got married truth be told. But that's a long story.
Feel your pain Dadissad, we also conceived instantly (too fertile for our own good dammit! Grin )
Sorry for the OP rant, was just feeling grumpy. Should be used to it by now, has been like this for long time. Have to stay for DS, just need to get a grip and accept my lot.

OP posts:
MsNorbury · 09/04/2012 20:35

That's tough isn't it? Think it's easy to become "flat mates"

DadIsSad · 09/04/2012 23:13

"No point talking about it, only ends in lots of upset. "

I missed this amongst your other comments, but have you tried Relate or some other counselling? I'd have said the same about discussing things like this with DW a few months ago, but airing lots of stuff in an atmosphere where you don't end up in an argument or a sulk (at least that was the case for us) has improved things a lot for us. We've still got a long, long way to go, but on the whole I'm a lot more optimistic than I was.

I'm actually feeling a lot more up than I was when I started posting on MN again last night. Probably partly to do with my own issues, but having actually managed to discuss this with DW last night (I cried, but she didn't get worked up and we did talk) things have been much better through today. I don't think that's a conversation we'd have had before.

I don't know - maybe no use to you at all, I should be the first to appreciate that every relationship is different. In our case we are both working hard, and do have some intimacy back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 23:36

Why do you have to stay for DS?... What has the poor kid done to deserve sharing a home with two people that don't like being with each other?

I'm the child of parents like that you see. Great people individually but there's not been any affection in the relationship for a long, long time. They stayed together in part 'for the sake of the children' but ironically the frosty, miserable atmosphere in their house and the constant low-level sniping means their children have avoided spending time with them since they were old enough to have a say in the matter. Don't make the same mistake.

ivanapoo · 09/04/2012 23:40

What Cogito said.

What kind of message and exam are you giving to your son about loving relationships by staying in this?

ivanapoo · 09/04/2012 23:40

Example not exam!

Hope you can sort it out one way or the other.

Cherriesarelovely · 10/04/2012 00:20

That sounds absolutely wretched OP. I truly cannot imagine living like that. Do you both feel that "it has been over for a long time"? What is your relationship like other than the physical side?

Cherriesarelovely · 10/04/2012 00:21

Why do you have to "accept your lot"?

carernotasaint · 10/04/2012 00:28

Im in the same situation. Ive been in a sexless marriage for 16 years. 9 years ago i had an affair which lasted for 4 and a half years. it is soul destroying.

Lueji · 10/04/2012 00:34

Why do you have to stay for DS?

Surely you don't want to show him what a loveless marriage is, do you?

And who wants miserable parents?

I mean if both are happy not having sex or being affectionate, it's fine. But it's obviously not with you.

Original poster
TheMareofCasterbridge · 10/04/2012 13:22

OK, I get the setting a bad example thing, but DS and I are really close, much more so than he is with DW, so if I bailed out, I would be massively letting him down and he would miss out on a lot. Actually, so would I, because I would then miss out on his growing up and all the little joys that brings. I had a "Sunday dad" after my parents split and we basically had no relationship for many years (although is good now).

We're mostly civil to eachother, just not affectionate, so is not that bad an example.

Maybe counselling is the way forward, but I can't see the suggestion being very well received. Anyone any experience of broaching the subject and how to go about it?

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 10/04/2012 13:27

Couldn't you go for shared care? You wouldn't have to be a sunday dad. If you moved out somewhere local, cut back on working hours if possible, you could have a good argument to have him 50% of the time. I know it's shit for dads as the default 'leaver' when a relationship ends, I can't imagine how shit really.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2012 13:32

Your DS may be close to you but he will not thank you for being a martyr

fiventhree · 10/04/2012 13:50

Mareo, it is a good idea.

Just sit her down and tell her how you feel, and that you want to go. Her reaction should not be a reason not to say it. We all have to be mindful of each other, but not to the expect of hiding how we feel in case our partners dont like it.

Wouldnt do any harm to check out Relate local place of meeting, costs etc, so you are prepared and can move on it, if she is agreeable. We discussed it ages ago, twice, but didnt go, and we were sorry when we did eventually go that we left it so long, as it was very very helpful.

Personally, I think that a sexless marriage is a disaster and needs fixing, unless both partners are happy, which is unusual. And it is reasonable to be grateful for a gift.

She probably has issues too but it is her responsibility to raise them, NOT yours.

My h didnt raise issues until we got to relate and we agreed that wasnt fair of him. not that he had wanted or could be bothered to, given his interest in other women at the time

ElusiveCamel · 10/04/2012 16:33

Why would you have to be a Sunday dad? We do 50/50 and my DS sees both of us most days or every other day. Would your wife insist on you not being allowed only one day a week? Things have changed since we were all growing up.

Original poster
TheMareofCasterbridge · 10/04/2012 18:06

Can 50/50 actually work in practice?

OP posts:
oikopolis · 10/04/2012 18:12

i have a close friend who does exactly 50/50 with her exH and it works just fine for them

Sausagedog27 · 10/04/2012 20:52

Your 'mostly civil' and it's not 'that' bad? Doesn't sound like a healthy atmosphere to bring up a child. Please don't justify it by using your child as a reason, the will pick up on it I assure you.

Original poster
TheMareofCasterbridge · 10/04/2012 20:53

Actually I think we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves here, talking about child access when I have said I'm not planning on leaving and just trying to learn to live with it.

It's a bit rubbish, but I still don't think it's as bad as the alternative

OP posts:
DadIsSad · 10/04/2012 23:28

"Maybe counselling is the way forward, but I can't see the suggestion being very well received. Anyone any experience of broaching the subject and how to go about it?"

IIRC I just asked. Like you I didn't expect it to go well, but in fact by that stage she was well aware we had to do something (I'd been depressed for months). Your DW surely can't be so oblivious to be insulted by the suggestion? As suggested above, I did go to the effort of working out all the details involved myself.

What have you got to lose?

ElusiveCamel · 11/04/2012 07:49

In answer to your question, yes of course 50/50 can work in practice. It does for lots of people. It requires a lot of co-operation and a good co-parenting relationship and it's not right for all children/families. In our case, it's definitely the best option for our son/us.

You should definitely try counselling though. Your current situation is not good for anyone, including your son and his welfare is important so whether your wife is offended by the suggestion or not doesn't really matter.