Just heartbreaking

[2wwmadness]

Some may know the background on this. Feel free to link I'f tou know how.,
So, dh and I have decided to try and work through this for the baby. I am 36 weeks pg.
I love him. Want a family with him and want to laugh and have fun with him.
He says he loves me. But is not in love with me anymore. He doesn't fancy me, get butterflies when he sees me, he's not excited to come home to me and he doesn't want to share things with me. He would rather be in work than with me. We are sleeping in separate rooms. He took his wedding ring off.
He says that the feelings might come back. He loves and cares for me and can see I am a good woman. He wants the family and sees how our new life together could spark new feelings.
I feel like my heart is being ripped out. We will chat together, spent all day together today. Watched a film, ate, just hung out. I miss the kisses and cuddles and touching. I feel ugly and ashamed. Theres a long back story to this so if anyone could link my old thread that would be helpful. (about how did you "know" dh had another woman) he still maintains no one else is involved. I do still Beleive him. Except when I sleep i have nightmares.
How do I get through this. How do I stick it out and fix this. In putting on a brave and "normal" face as much as I can. I just feel like in dying inside sometimes. I want the happy family unit I thought we had.

Hello 2wwmadness
How do you know he feels these things? Has he actually told you? I mean he has said he doesnt fancy you? Doesnt get butterflies? Etc?
Im sorry I havnt read your other post.
I feel so sad for you, you need kisses and cuddles right now. You shouldnt be feeling ugly. You are about to go through such an amazing experience together.
Im sorry I cant be any help for you. Bless you.

He sounds horrible. I'm so sorry. Saying these things is just vile. How will you every feel better if you are made to feel so worthless? Sorry but I agree, he should go nasty twat.

Sorry, I've not got any good advice for you. You must be going through hell. Here's a link to one of your posts about your relationship.

I never usually post on things like this but if ny partner said those things I would tell him to leave. You can't make someone want to be with you, baby or not and this will destroy your confidence and take away your dignity.
Give him chance to miss you and realise what he had, if he doesn't realise what he has lost then you are better off without him.

Thanks to the poster who linked your other thread.

I can understand that with a new baby so imminent, you just want it all to come right, but it won't will it?

I think he's seeing someone else, but whoever she is is not free to live with him right now, hence he's in no hurry to leave the marital home. I know that must be heart-breaking and the 'not knowing' must be killing you, but I think the decision you've made is a bad one.

Once someone has 'checked out' of a marriage like this, it really is best to separate because it's much more painful trying to get someone to love you again, mainly because it never ever works. He's actually very cruel saying 'the feelings might come back' because that gives you false hope.

When someone is having an affair, usually the only time the feelings come back is when it has been discovered and the cheater suddenly realises what he stands to lose, especially if he thinks (and is being told) that he has lost his marriage for good. The person in your position has to decide at that point whether to attempt reconciliation and forgiveness.

In the absence of proof though, the best thing to do in this situation is to explain that you can't stay in a marriage with someone who feels so little for you - and to let him go. He's actually not ready to live on his own right now, but it would do him good - and he needs to get used to life as a single parent. Asking to remain in the family home is unreasonable and are for self-serving reasons only - it's certainly not for your benefit at all.

I don't think he wants to be seen as the guy who walked out on his wife when she was about to give birth, but he has walked out of the marriage hasn't he?

He said all of that to you when you're weeks away from giving birth? I'm sorry but that's just mean.

I have no idea whether he's having an affair or not but it's not really the point. What a heartless, self-centred, cruel, and unforgivable thing to do. Were I in your shoes right now, I don't know how I'd forgive him or indeed if I'd want to.

For what it's worth, a friend of DH found out that her DP was having an affair weeks before her due date. They agreed to put everything on hold including conversations about their future etc until after the birth (he also agreed not to see OW in this time). Post birth they decided to stay together but lasted a matter of months. Ultimately she couldn't forgive him for ruining what should have been a special time for them both. They co-parent very effectively but are no longer together.

Hi,

You must be going through torture.

Like somebody else said you need to try and be strong and ask him to go. Let him go and see if he comes back. That's if you want him back after all the hurt he has caused you. With him still being In the home and you allowing treat you this way. He will never think his feelings through and you will always feel inadequate. He's walking all over you. If you let him get away with what he's just said he will never respect you. You need to say go, and tell him that you need to work out what you want too. Your being his doormat.

That's supposed to say by letting him stay your allowing him to treat you badly. His revelation needs to be addressed. You need to stand up and say go.

Here's a link to your earlier thread in March: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1434626-This-will-be-long-I-need-help-please

I've also read another thread on which you say that the 'one night stand' he had was in fact an affair of a week's duration around Christmas 2009.

Taking everything into consideration, I'm of the same opinion as Hattytown and suspect that your h is having an affair which started shortly after he moved to your present location and which has continued after you joined him some months later.

This won't be what you want to hear, honey, but IMO, regardless of whether or not he's having an affair, you're best advised to move to your mum's now, change hospitals, and quietly prepare to have this baby on your own because the stress you're currently going through is not good for you or your pfb.

Just read your other threads.

I think there is someone else, sorry. I think he is wrestling with guilt, that's why he is constantly angry. I think it's the baby he's feeling the most guilt about. I think he wants to be a dad and probably wants the baby to have a family unit. You said he never had a proper family unit so I think he feels so angry for the baby as he doesn't want it to go though a broken home, but at the same time he has a new woman. It's all a mess so that's why he's drinking all the time.

He hopes some feelings will come back for you for the babies sake but if his feelings have gone elsewhere how can he get them back and remain a family unit?

I don't think you should keep shouting at him to tell you, he's not going to admit it. I think you are going to have to try different things. Firstly snoop around for a second phone when hes out. The biggest thing. You need to start following him. When he tells you he is somewhere follow him, don't get caught.

I am so sad for you but your husband has checked out of your marriage. I would find it torturous to have him in the house if he has admitted to no longer being in love with you. There is no way I would want to live a half-life or be in a sham marriage. Living with somebody who regarded me like a housemate who happens to bear his children! It would break me in two. I would suspect that there is another woman but he feels that now is not the ideal time to leave. If it were me I would want him to leave now and make a fresh start with your new baby.

This happened to a friend of mine and she moved in with her parents whilst the baby was new and her husband moved into a flat. Their house was put on the market and she was able to make a new move when she was ready.

I hope you find the courage to make a positive move that makes you happy.

It's really immaterial whether there's another person involved or not. Do you really want to share your life with someone that is assessing you on some sort of trial basis? Seeing if he can bothered to muster up a few feelings for you? Baby or no baby, being with someone like that is only going to screw up your self-respect and peace of mind as you constantly wonder what's going on and whether you're an also-ran in this particular beauty contest.

Such a difficult time for you, your emotions must be all over the place.
You are about to enter into the most wonderful time in your life being a MUM, sadly you are being deprived so much from a man who can only think of himself, SELFISH is the word that springs to mind.
YOU are worth so much more than he is giving, do you have supportive family and friends, if so I would ask him to leave, I do think he is not being totally honest with you. I dealt with a huge relationship dilema a few years ago,the best thing for me and my children was to get hubbie out of the home.Its a long story, but it worked, in time we did lots of crying ,,talking counselling etc him being away from us definetly gave him and us time to reflect and evaluate our lives with or without him.
I would urge you to do the same, you are going to need support from somewhere especially with a new baby this should be a happy time, one that you always remember for the right reasons, Be brave and give yourself a chance dont let him hurt you the way he is, give him a taste of his own medicine, you can do this.
Good luck ,whatever you decide,I hope things get better for you and your new baby.

Even if he's not having an affair (although I think he is) he needs to bloody well grow up. Love and commitment isn't all fucking butterflies and excitement. Stupid twat.

You have my heartfelt sympathy... I've just been dumped by one of these. He's now got two ex-wives (I'm not one of them), three children (one is mine) and several serious relationships behind him as he's moved in with the latest one who gives him butterflies. Men like this never grow up. He will do the same thing over and over.

I don't know what to do. I feel ok, then I'm hysterical on the bathroom floor. If I ask about anyone else, I feel guilty, I feel like I'm pushing him away further coz he swears there's not. I feel like maybe he has/does have feelings for someone else and doesn't want to back out now. Like they are laughing at me. Saying "stupid wife, I've got no ring on and I'm
Not even sleeping in the same bed an shes still sticking about" like I'm being made a fool of. Then I think, no, we are
Trying to be friends. The rows over the past month have been bad and we just need to spend time together and see what comes from that. I just want to close my eyes and wake up and it not happen, I can't get my head around It all.
I know I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, I've not been the best wife. But he was happy a few months ago. He says he wasnt. But I have the text messages and photos that prove otherwise. He just doesn't seem to see it.
I asked him what made him happy. What would he do without me. He says work, work really hard and see the baby on his days off. How is that better than spending with me?!? He must really hate me. Honestly I've never felt pain like it. But if we can recover I know it will be amazing, I don't want to do this on my own. I want the family we planned. I don't understand why this is happening fully.
I cannot bare to imagine him with someone else. Having a new family. He swears that it won't happen. And if He can't make it work with me, he will never make it work with anyone. It just doesn't make sense?!
I can't leave. I'm not strong enough. Not right now. I'm tired. I want to have our baby and live happy ever after.
I woke up this morning, walked into our livin room (he's on the sofa) he offers me a mug of coffee and told me about some stuff, just chatting. I think "just hold me, please, just let me wake up with you and chat and kiss and hold each other" nothing. His phone goes everywhere with him. Everything is password protected and I think. I fucking hate you! I'm worth more, how dare you! Then I dropped him to work, come back an cry on the floor. If I leave. It will be for ever. I don't know what will come
From this. I don't know what to do. I'm. It sure what feeling I should follow. My "stick with it" feeling my "your having an affair ad I hate you" feeling. or my "I'm worth more fuck you" feeling (then realise I'm loosing possible the best thing that ever happened to me coz of my ego)
Its like a bad dream.

You're confusing what you'd like to be the truth with the situation staring you in the face. Of course you want it all to go away and for him to be loving and caring and living happily ever after... who wouldn't? But that's not what you've got.

If you stick with it the danger is you'll spend forever crying on the floor, wondering what went wrong, hoping things improve, thinking you're substandard and waiting for that hug and kiss that never comes. If you say you're not strong, living like that will destroy you completely. If you leave and he doesn't come after you, he really isn't the best thing that ever happened to you. Whatever else you might lose, you'd at least regain your self-respect.

I won't stuck with him forever, not like this. Sometimes I think that's what he wants. to push me so far I leave so it's easier for him. The other woman thing is a major major issue for me. We've been through a lot and him not feeling things about me I could just cope with. Him feeling them for someone else whilst I'm sat here waiting for him is beyond and I would rather just know. He is adamant and convinces me when I ask. There's just little things in his behaviour that dont sit right. But I'm so tired and emotional I can't work out if I'm
Looking for them and seeing things scewed, or seeing them and being convinced there not there if you know what I mean.
I think I could put up with it a bit longer. But he really needs to pull his finger out. I feel like I deserve sorry's, I love you's and flowers. Ha! I'm so stupid.
I will put up with this but I'm struggling.
I know what I'm worth. I'm just heartbroken he cant see it. And now of all times. I keep thinking, our poor poor baby, we are having a boy. I don't want him to think you treat people this way. He's heard his mum cry so much already. I sing to him to try and sooth him. It sounds like I'm unhinged doesn't it?! I think at times I have been. How does this happen?!
Also, (sorry for going on) I think maybe there is not another woman, and it's another lifestyle he wants. He was going out a lot whilst I wasn't here, and whilst I was at me mums. The people he works with has a great social life and its fun and exciting. I think he want that life, I'm angry with them (they don't know me) sending him texts and videos of nights out at 4am when I'm the boring one that has to go "no don't go out, oh and what you want for tea?!" he thinks it's boring and mundane, it is. I'm bout to have a baby, I can't compleate with the social life, I would want that more, but he will loose everything. And so will our son. If he doesn't see that ths could be fun an more rewarding too. We could do stuff together. We could create a new life. Something different. Something we have never had before. I'm just not sure how I get over what he's said to me.

You can't get over it. The only way you have the slimmest chance. Is to tell him to go. Give him the chance to see what he is losing.

Will the ow, there is one and the social life be as exciting when he realises his wife won't be at home keeping the home fires burning. Nor will his new born son. My bet is it will all of a sudden lose the edge. If it does not you'd have lost him anyway.

" How does this happen?! "

It happens when you're not true to yourself. One side of your brain is saying 'this is all wrong and you'd be better off out of it'.... the other side is saying 'you don't want to be alone with a new baby so pretend it's all OK'. You cannot do both, you have to choose, and your inability to make a decisions is a big part of why you feel so upset, confused and exhausted.

As I said before... it is immaterial why he's behaving the way he is. You can drive yourself mad trying to work out the reasons why someone acts they way they do. Whatever's going on you can't change it and it's not your fault either. What is not in question is that he's only sticking around whilst he decides if he can be bothered or not. That's a massive personal insult, a big shock, and I wouldn't be surprised if you never get that quite out of your head.

You could very easily create a new life where you are respected, loved and valued for yourself as you are.

Sorry but he doesn't want to be with you but doesn't have the balls to end it as he would be seen as the bad guy leaving him pregnant wife and DC. He is wanting you to make the decision for him and will play on the "my wife chucked me out"

Of course he has mentally checked out of the relationship and probably OW is waiting in the wings ,he will leave at some point, probably once DC has arrived .

You can make a new life for yourself and the DC without him. The best way for you to go forward is to ask him to leave now, gather your friends and family around you and move on.
It will go either way, he may realise what he is missing and decide you and the DC's are what he wants or he will run to the OW and not look back.
But this way you have control and dignity, you retain your self respect and the OW (if there is one and there probably is) will never know if he is with her because he was forced into it and is she really is choice or weither she is the second and only option left.

Ask him to leave.

I'm so sorry. Your pain and confusion is very vivid and totally understandable.

You're not blowing things out of proportion though and I'm sorry you got posts like that on your other thread. Don't doubt yourself. Your own sanity and the beliefs you hold are something you can actually control in this process, so trust yourself and keep telling yourself that whatever is happening in your husband's life, you and your unborn baby deserve so much more than this.

I can see that you are committed to staying and although I wish you weren't, I think the best thing we can do is to give advice that will make life more tolerable for you. Once your son is born, life will change again.

I think you are trying so hard to get inside your husband's head, but the thing you're perhaps not reckoning with is that he is in the midst of a very powerful addiction right now. When that happens, nothing and no-one else matters or has any power. This is why it's fruitless hoping he will come to his senses or reach out to you. He won't and you will make yourself ill trying to compete with the addiction.

So focus on you and the baby now and making some decisions that will help you, not him. Do you want him at the birth? Give some serious thought to that 2ww because it would be heartbreaking if he spoilt that experience for you and when you're at your most vulnerable, you need people by your side who love you with all their hearts and who you trust completely.

Emotionally, if you're going to stay for now, it will help you to 'give up' and tell him that's what you've done. That this is a holding situation until the baby is born. That means putting a cocoon around you and not letting him in. Stop doing things for him too - just focus on you and what you need to do to get ready for the birth. Do talk to others so that you have an outlet.

It really is a universal truth that nothing you do can change him so you can only change your own responses to it.

We have just moved here, I don't really know anyone. My family are close (I really dont want to live there though. They got a house full and I want peace) and I'm making friends slowly, my support network is 2 hours away. I will go there if I leave. I just can't go yet.
The birth concerns me, right now. I don't want him there. Not like this, obviously I want him there. The him that loves me and wants to be with me. The him I had 6 months ago. I'm not ready for this baby to come. I just need him to see quickly, I've only Ben back in the house 2 days, it's bound to still be raw. Im putting up with it
For a few more days anyway. If there's no improvement then I'll leave, I'll give birth on my own. my poor little boy,
I don't know how to act aswell. Like, I could cut him out totally. Not talk to him, eat together, drop him to work Ect. Compleatly cut him out. But he will just get used to it won't he. Or i show him me. Keep chatting, eating together, cooking, keeping the house Ect. He might see what he's loosing. I need to cut him off don't I. I need him to be in the house, sober just incase I go into labour. But I need to avoid him, I just feel like of there's another woman then it will just push them together more if I avoid him. I'm fucked either way art I. How can he behave like this. 8 years together an I'm
About to have his baby and he doesn't even care. Part of me thinks no. I'm
Not doing night feeds on my own, no in
Not doing this whilst He lives his life, I'm gunna stay. He's gunna face up this. Like fuck an I bing left with a newborn.
Then I realise how good we could be and how much I loved him when we were good, and I just crumble

Sorry. On my phone. I look nuts don't I. I just need it to be over. I just need the pain to stop