Just heartbreaking

[2wwmadness]

Some may know the background on this. Feel free to link I'f tou know how.,
So, dh and I have decided to try and work through this for the baby. I am 36 weeks pg.
I love him. Want a family with him and want to laugh and have fun with him.
He says he loves me. But is not in love with me anymore. He doesn't fancy me, get butterflies when he sees me, he's not excited to come home to me and he doesn't want to share things with me. He would rather be in work than with me. We are sleeping in separate rooms. He took his wedding ring off.
He says that the feelings might come back. He loves and cares for me and can see I am a good woman. He wants the family and sees how our new life together could spark new feelings.
I feel like my heart is being ripped out. We will chat together, spent all day together today. Watched a film, ate, just hung out. I miss the kisses and cuddles and touching. I feel ugly and ashamed. Theres a long back story to this so if anyone could link my old thread that would be helpful. (about how did you "know" dh had another woman) he still maintains no one else is involved. I do still Beleive him. Except when I sleep i have nightmares.
How do I get through this. How do I stick it out and fix this. In putting on a brave and "normal" face as much as I can. I just feel like in dying inside sometimes. I want the happy family unit I thought we had.

Someone gave me an analogy to this kind of thing yesterday... If you had been sacked from a job would you keep turning up, hoping they'd have you back? Day after day, humiliating yourself? You wouldn't but this is exactly what you are doing with him. You don't have to leave - kick him out. He is treating you badly.

It doesn't matter what he says, his actions are those of someone who does not love or respect you.

I cant imagine what your going through but it won't get better.. I know it's the hardest thing but I would either walk out now or throw him out you know you deserve better so don't settle for this .. Why live in hope when you can be so much happier on your own not waiting for him to love you again. Also I would leave now before you have your baby it will be so much harder with a newborn in tow. Also you may find it emotionally more difficult to make things work when it will be heartbreaking to see he loves his son much more than he ever loved you.
Take care and good luck xx

Fucking hell honey. This is beyond unfair.

He is having an affair. The phone thing is proof enough.
My ex did the same and slept in the spare bed to get peace because I slept restlessly when pregnant/ baby kept him awake when born. Transpired he was spending all night texting OW to prove to her that we no longer had a sexual relationship.
He stays because they are not able to be together full time for whatever reason. He keeps away from you physically to 'be faithful' to her and lessen his own guilt. He feeds you this bullshit about not being in love/ feelings so he can keep his options open!
He would like to be a full time Dad but he thinks he is in love with her. If that goes wrong he can come back, say his feelings have returned and escape the wrath of the cheated wife!

I know how you feel. I got my total proof when DD2 was 6 months old. Took me quite a while to leave afterwards. Now blissfully happy with a wonderful man. It took time but I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I know how impossible this all seems. He has to go. You are allowing him to behave like this. While he can keep you devastated, heartbroken but hopeful, he holds all of the cards.

You sound lovely. You do not deserve this. Stop being sad and get mad. Please.

One of the most powerful lessons in life is that the only thing that motivates people in your husband's situation is LOSS.

If he lost the OW now for any reason, he would want her more. If he lost you and really believed that he had, he would want you more - eventually.

Continuing to be nice to him and trying to show him what he's losing is actually an act of self-sabotage. He knows you and what you can offer, so it's like white noise. Withdrawing yourself from the Triangle that he has created won't immediately cause him to change, because he's addicted elsewhere. But it speeds up the process and it means that this addiction must stand on its own two feet, to borrow a phrase. Right now you're propping it up and giving it fuel. Remove yourself and see if it lasts.

I'd stop relying on him for anything and detach yourself completely. Choose a different birthing partner and perhaps ask a friend or your mum to be on standby or stay with you in the days before the birth.

Would your partners get mad if you looked through there phone? Do they delete all the history?

Just read your last post. :(

You need to totally cut him out.
It will not push him and OW together more. It will remove all of the current reassurances that you are going to wait around while he decides, at his pace, who he wants. Take control! I know you feel like sitting in a ball and rocking. I did too.

He knows what a mess you are emotionally. You are also heavily pregnant. This is grade A emotional abuse. He cares only for himself and keeping his options open. What a selfish prick!

I hate him on your behalf.

My ex got mad when I looked through his phone. This was because he was a lying, cheating twunt.
My lovely DP has 2 phones (work and personal) that sit around the house without any codes or locks. He has explicitly told me that I may look at either one at any time. I often answer them if they ring and I am closer. My phone is treated the same.
We both have cheating exes and we know how to behave considerately. It is amazing to have trust!
In time you will get a DP upgrade and wonder why the fuck you tolerated this bollocks for so long!

In answer to your question No and No. We respect eachother's privacy, but there is no secrecy. We will often hand eachother our phones to read incoming texts if one of us hasn't got our reading glasses to hand or while driving.

Stop asking to look at his phone. Everything will have been deleted so you will find nothing. It's pointless and is an act of engagement, not detachment.

Give up. Nothing else will work and it's the one thing you havent tried.

I'll give up. For my sanity, I don't want to leave this house yet. I want him
At the birth as my mum would be worse. He comes home, sober, straight from work till I have the baby, he's there for the birth. Meanwhile I'll look into rent back where my support network is.
I feel so sorry for my poor parents. We moved here so they would be close to their first grandchild. They are so excited, I'm. Orr upset about taking the baby away from them than him right now.

Why aren't you looking at other options?

You don't have to leave the house, do you? Why doesn't he rent somewhere else, or stay at the houses he's been kipping at so many nights.

If not your mum, what about a trusted woman friend as your birthing partner? Why do you want to give that experience to someone who doesn't love you and whom you mistrust? I know you've never been through a birth before, but probably all of us have and trust me, you need someone who loves you there.

Men only say these things when there's something or someone else on the horizon. The same situation has happened to me and I ended up throwing him out and we separated for 2 years. I really thought it was it but against all odds we realised we did still love each other be have made another go of it. I had counselling separately as I wanted to move on. We both saw other people in those 2 years. Me (dated vigorously to repair my damaged self esteem) and he had an on off relationship with the OW.

Take a looking time to repair it but I am living proof that 2 years down the line it is possible. I do however, think a little part of me died when he said these things and he's well aware that I won't put up with any crap. I know that I am fine on my own and have no problems attracting men so a future alone doesn't scare me and he knows that. My experience made me re-direct my life (went back and qualified in a completely different career that I love) and I have 'myself back now' if that makes sense. It wasn't easy tho and was an emotional rollercoaster for a 2 years.

I don't look back, I look forward and that is how I cope.

Big hugs x

And I would check all bank statements, phone bills, emails, internet history, Facebook etc. i am very good at this but if i wasnt i would have found the money for a private investigator to gain more insight into what he was up to. I'd rather know the facts rather than be taken for a mug. Much easier to make decisions when you have the reality of a situation rather than the half baked truth he wants you to know. The best revenge is to be happy and look amazing in my own experience!

There's no other evidence. Nothing on his face book, emails. His phone records are online so I don't see them and everything on his phone is deleted regularly so I wouldn't find anything. I have no proof, except him telling me he doesn't love me any more and stating in hotels with no wedding ring. That's no proof really Is it. I know I've made it worse. You can't accuse someone with no proof. I guess it's just so painful that he wouldn't want me that much he is willing to leave to be on his own. Like having no one else is better than me and his Son. I can't get my head around that. I'll stay in the house. Mainly in my (our ) room and take care of myself. Just take it day to day right now. I'm not chasing after him. He needs to start to make it up to me too.

You don't need proof because it's obvious. If you are desperate to know, his online phone records would probably confirm it, but I don't suppose you know the password and it's pointless asking him for it, as he wouldn't give it and it would show you still cared. It's also possible he has another phone. You haven't made anything worse incidentally - all you've been guilty of is a bit of naivety and trusting him when he's been lying to you.

It's not a question of him having 'no-one else' and thinking that's better. That's not the situation at all and is why you can't get your head around it. It's not true.

He's not going to appreciate what he's got until he no longer has it.

I'm desperately sorry you're going through this at a time which should be incredibly happy and when you want to be calm and serene and to have a rock you can count on.

That isn't going to happen though.

I have no idea whether he's seeing someone else or not, but in a way it doesn't matter, as he is not there for you in every way already.

It is going to be difficult and scary, but you need to put him out and get on with things as if he wasn't there. Maybe - just maybe - he'll realize what he's lost and come back chastened, ashamed and remorseful, and then you can both work towards making the family you want. That won't happen while you're both trying to pretend you're together though. Really, really sorry.

He does have someone else though? Clearly he does. Generally married men don't come out with this stuff unless there is an OW. Staying in hotels without his wedding rings! He is taking you for a fool love. You are his own personal doormat he gets to come home too after he has been shaggin ow. As for whatever reason he can't leave to be with her yet.

Do you not see? He is clearly having an affair and checked out some months ago, so he is the instigator. However you are sabotaging yourself as someone said. You want him to come to his senses and live happily ever after. There is no way he is going to do that. He is shagging ow, then coming home to you and you are allowing him to treat you like this, he is using you and having his cake. The only way you stand a chance of your dream ending is to kick him out, make him respect you and appreciate what he is about to lose. That is the key here, he knows he hasn't lost you, so why should he try? If he does not come back. You have saved yourself potentially years of competing with an ow.

We don't own any property. The house we have is rented. We couldn't afford another rent. He says he stays in cheap hotels. I'm still not 100% on the other woman thing. I don't understand why he wouldn't just tell me like the one night stand he had years ago. he says it's cheaper staying in the cheap hotel rather than get a taxi. He's been through so much. We both have. I understand his behaviour in some parts. I'm not blameless. But I don't get why he is so distant.

He is distant, because his mind, energies, love and penis are elsewhere. He is invested elsehere. It's really simple, I don't see why you are in so much denial. Just ignoring this behaviour ow or no ow is self sabotaging. He does not care anymore, his head has left the marriage. But hoping and putting up with this. He is never going to realise what life will be like without you and the baby, because you'll stay no matter what hoping he chooses you.

Why not say anything. Do you really think he wants to be known as the man having an affair behind his wife's back? Maybe the ow can't have him and he has no where to go. The answer to your question is simple. Self preservation. His interests, his reputation even if the price is treating you appallingly and driving you literally crazy. You think you can't make sense of it now. Wait for the postnatal phase, where you naturally crash anyway. Which is why I guess. Posters are suggesting you sort it sooner rather than later.

He won't tell you because he's got no intention this time of giving the other person up. That's why he's distant.

He doesn't need to stay in hotels or get expensive taxis at all. I'm sure you can't afford any of that either. According to your other threads, he doesn't always stay in hotels either. He stays at unknown (to you) friends. If that's true (I don't think it is) then why can't he go there for a while?

Surely you alone can afford to live without him? Plenty of other women do ., you will get housing benefits and such to help you out maybe contact someone before making any big plans but I would definitely go down the line of throwing him out !!

You say "we couldn't afford another rent", but there is no "we" involved I'm afraid.

So long as you're thinking about things in terms of "we" meaning you and him you're going to continue to be hurt. Can you try to change your "we" into you and ds? You'll get little peace otherwise.

You sound in a dark and confusing place. H is a cunt.

Plan;

1. Tell him to leave, pack his stuff and make no contact
2. Contact him after baby is born and say you will be in touch regarding contact
3. Enjoy your son
4. When you are strong, arrange returning to where you want to be

It's so easy to say. And I know I should. I just don't think enough time has passed. I'm not 100%. If I leave, I'm not coming back. It will get messy and families and a child are involved. I got a week at least to see if things improve. Do I deserve this? I didn't support him. I've not helped him when he needed me. I deserve him to be mad at me. It's just going too far isn't it

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and put your son first.