Hell in paradise - what the f... would you do? Bit long.

[melonsmaygotobed]

I brief, married to DH for 5 years, together for 7. 2 DC 3 and 4 YO. DH has had 'dalliances' in the past - 5 that I know of that range from joining inappropriate dating sites, porn use and snogging two women whilst drunk when out. He got a contract to work in Oz for 12 months so we decided I would leave my demanding job and we would take this amazing opportunity to live overseas and focus on the kids, the marriage and having a great time as a family.

Now I am not proud of this but I do snoop when his behaviour concerns me. For the last number of weeks he has been going for drinks after work - his job is extremely stressful here - and coming home at 8 ish 2 or 3 times a week. Drunk. He says he talks to clients and has to 'network'. I look at his work phone, to put my mind at rest, and each time there has been nothing to worry about (you can prob tell what's coming). But last Wednesday I found he had text a woman at work saying how he felt so relaxed in her company, had never felt this way before and that there was more than friendship. Ended with a X.

I confronted him immediately. He said that yes, it was was becoming more than a working relationship, and that's why he wanted to go back to the uk in May (sooner than I want but he said the job was really stressing him out).

So, despite doing all the cooking, cleaning, looking after the DC and having sex as much as his heart desires, he still lets this happen.

So my next move is... Stay here with him despite there being no trust for the sake of the 'family' (and I do love it here), or go back to the uk, house is still empty ready to move straight back in but kill him in the process as the kids are his life.

Oh bollocks.

Sorry for your discovery about your Manchild.

He doesn't seem to take your commitment to one another very seriously. WTF is "yes it has progressed onto something other than work, so I think we should leave"?? Did he even apologise, say it will stop?

You are right not to trust a man who behaves like this. No way to live IMO, but not easy to leave I know that too . But not impossible and if there is a nice house waiting for you back in blightly, you are certainly partly there already on the practicalities.

Bollocks indeed.

What would I do

Leave him

He is serially unfaithful and a liar

Do you have family and friends who can help you?

If the kids were his life, he wouldn't treat the mother of his kids like this

Sorry to hear you have been treated so badly

Thank you mcmooncup and rubyslippers. I asked him to book a flight back for me and the children, which he did. I packed everything up in the boxes ready to be shipped. He said he would do anything to help, to put it right, which he has. I spent the packing day crying at the thought of leaving this beautiful country (not the thought of leaving him tho!) and the thought of going back to blighty, albeit where I loved living and have amazingly supportive friends. So I decided to ask him to postpone the flight. I feel much better for deciding to stay, but finances here are tight with one income. I have asked him to use some points to stay in a hotel while I get my head round this, which he has agreed to. He is quite desperate.

Leave him now.

The kids are NOT his life. If they were he would not be doing all these things.

He will never be faithful, here or in Oz. Do yourself a fcavour and leave, get back to your home and get legal advice ASAP.

Oops he's just walked in. Will post when can. Thank you - I need you wonderful lot to help me keep it real! X (at least he's sober - we had punched walls last night)

Just seen your post OP.

You have just set yourself up to be crapped on all over again. He has got away with it again so he will do it again and again and again.

He is not desperate--he is sorry you have spoiled his fun. If he hadn't been found out l am convinced he would be -if not already having an affair.

Well, on the basis I would love a year in Oz, I'd stay, but Id make it clear you are finish, he is on his own, Id boot him into spare room, cook, clean, wash for kids etc. Freeze him out completely.

Then when you go home, he can go somewhere else.

If this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for you, why should you miss out coz he cant keep his dick in his pants.

Hi, you asked what others would do, and I would take the flight back to the UK at the earliest opportunity. I think he sounds like he has done this sort of thing too many times.

The kids are not really his life, of course he loves them but he needs to grow up and decide whether he wants a grown up marriage including commitment or just wants to dick about forever.

Hope you're ok, it's hard when this happens when you're far from friends etc.

Oh, and punching walls just makes him sound even less worth keeping tbh. Sorry.

Doha - absofuckinglutely. I emailed the ML and told her exactly the same. Chances of him doing it again? 100% . I've kind of detached myself tho after alll that's happened. I'm not crazed, incensed, jealous. Just hugely disappointed. As is his mother.

I think that some men (and women) are programmed to be unfaithful. It seems that your H is one of those people. You have decided to stay with him following 5 indiscretions on his part. I think from your last post you will decide to stay with him following his 6th such dalliance.

I guess you need to decide whether you can stay with a man with whom you can have no trust in. Whether you want to spend your life snooping around, checking his phone and email, your heart dropping like a stone each time you find new evidence of his unfaithfulness (because there will be further instances).

Of course, some people can live quite happily in open marriages. But it seems to me that this wasn't the original deal. I would think that one day the time will come that you decide you have had enough and dump him like a ton of bricks. I wish you well and sincerely hope he doesn't put you through too much more hell until you make the decision to do what's right for you and his family.

Oh, and my husband telling someone else that he had 'never felt this way before' would be an absolute deal breaker for me. What the fuck did he feel when he married you then?

Thanks namechanger. I like that idea. He has an all or nothing policy about life, well in terms of me - obv not him.

Sorry, x-posted. Hitting walls when drunk? Many counts of infidelity? Please leave and keep yourself and your DC safe.

Figarello - bang on. I do not want the constant angst of thinking he is making a fool of me. AGAIN. I am not the type of person to let it go and we have had a pretty shit marriage for the most part, on my part, because of this. Another thing I spoke to his mum about! I promised my self after the last time I found stuff (about 2 years ago) , that it would be the last. But I never factored being half way across the world.

I think namechanger's idea sounds unpleasant to me, why 'detach' from something/someone that is bad for you, rather than walking away and giving yourself a chance to move on and find happiness? Detaching is just purgatory really, neither one thing or another.

melons, I know people who have detached so much from their crap partners, they stay for finances, and also because, actually they couldnt give a flying one what the "ex in the house" does.

Enjoy Oz, make the most of the time you have there, act as if he doesnt exist other than politeness for the sake of the children.

Dont stay with him in the long run though, I have seen marriages like this, the children do suffer dreadfully.

Defintely stop sleeping with him.

See yourself as apart, but in the same house for now. When you go home in May, you will have done the hard part of detaching and he can go elsewhere.

Thank you pullupapew. I feel very isolated - only been here 3 months- but I have met some lovely people through a uk playgroup who I know will be a huge help. I haven't told them yet, feels a bit tmi at this early stage. I will though. I may have to.

pullup. I wouldnt suggest it as a long term idea, just because the OP loves Oz and is going back in May anyway.

He has an all or nothing policy about life, well in terms of me - obv not him

Well put! All for him, eh. I like namechanger's idea, if you want to carry on toasting your shoulders, but am a bit about sharing the house unless it's huuuge and you have a granny annexe. Chuck him out to stay with his drinking pals (mine managed it for three months, I guess yours can too.)

You need to think ahead, sweetie. Do you want to stay in Oz? Can you get a job with visa sponsorship? While all this plays out, would you rather be here with your family & friends? The economy is truly shit here - I know it's bad in Oz, but UK's worse. Your prospects will depend on your contacts as much as anything else, though - so how about opening a few doors and seeing what's there?

I'm quite envious of you atm - your surroundings, not your H!!

Melons, I think you sound really strong. Don't be deluded - this man will never put you or even your dcs first. His schlong comes first. Loser that he is.

But if you stay with this man, will you have to up sticks and leave every time he thinks with his dick in case it progresses further? What an ass he is.

I'd spend time figuring out how you can stay in Australia independently of him, if you can. Just take a bit of time to investigate your rights over there. You never know.. .. ..

All the very best to you.

Namechanger he will never let this happen. He is always trying to hug, tell me how much he loves me and he really cannot cope with me not responding, hense the punched walls. He will make my life hell and he has blanked the children before because like I said it's all or nothing. He's such a fucking child. He is very, very insecure.

You need to leave then, it won't work being in the same house if he will be constantly trying it on with you.

Garlic - house is too small. We compromised on size for location. I could get a job, would like to. Economy is nothing like in the uk. No recession here. All roses, beaches, friendly people and a safe place to live. Heaven. Or so it should be.

Oh and thanks garlic, cheering me up!

melons in a situation where you really believe someone will make my life hell then I think the only sensible thing to do is get away.

Oz is great I am sure (not been!). But is a miserable life in a great country better than a reasonable life in a less amazing country?

He doesn't just sound childish, the more you post the more he sounds unkind. Blanking the children is using emotional blackmail.

If you said 'oh, yes, we can live quietly under one roof til we get home' then I can see how detachment would work but it just sounds like you'll either have to give in and be a 'proper' wife or face constant grief/pressure.