Hell in paradise - what the f... would you do? Bit long.

[melonsmaygotobed]

I brief, married to DH for 5 years, together for 7. 2 DC 3 and 4 YO. DH has had 'dalliances' in the past - 5 that I know of that range from joining inappropriate dating sites, porn use and snogging two women whilst drunk when out. He got a contract to work in Oz for 12 months so we decided I would leave my demanding job and we would take this amazing opportunity to live overseas and focus on the kids, the marriage and having a great time as a family.

Now I am not proud of this but I do snoop when his behaviour concerns me. For the last number of weeks he has been going for drinks after work - his job is extremely stressful here - and coming home at 8 ish 2 or 3 times a week. Drunk. He says he talks to clients and has to 'network'. I look at his work phone, to put my mind at rest, and each time there has been nothing to worry about (you can prob tell what's coming). But last Wednesday I found he had text a woman at work saying how he felt so relaxed in her company, had never felt this way before and that there was more than friendship. Ended with a X.

I confronted him immediately. He said that yes, it was was becoming more than a working relationship, and that's why he wanted to go back to the uk in May (sooner than I want but he said the job was really stressing him out).

So, despite doing all the cooking, cleaning, looking after the DC and having sex as much as his heart desires, he still lets this happen.

So my next move is... Stay here with him despite there being no trust for the sake of the 'family' (and I do love it here), or go back to the uk, house is still empty ready to move straight back in but kill him in the process as the kids are his life.

Oh bollocks.

I am in the same boat - exactly the same. Well, I was two years ago and I stayed.

Worse decision I ever made. Now I am SO unhappy and lonely. I hate myself, I hate him. I hide behind my children. They are the thing that makes me get up in the morning. My self-loathing runs so deep now.

It doesn't go away. It is written in your history and you have to live with it. I could live with it if we broke up, I find it very hard to live with staying together. Like you I find out at a time when huge life-changes were taking place, ones which should be good and exciting. Instead what he did ruined our lives, and I stayed and I hate myself for it.

we are teaching our children about relationships. In our case we are teaching our children how to despise and loathe. Its not intentional but I do not want to be close to him as he will hurt me again. Now he is wondering why I'm not over it and why I am prolonging the agony. He doesn't understand how he damaged me as an individual, as well as our relationship.

We aren't screaming at each other all the time, it is worse than that. It is cold and lonely. We function, no one would know. But we are living a lie and I wait for the day it happens again. It won't hurt as much next time, because nothing could hurt that much. And it will be an end to it.

Its a shit way to live. I don't deserve it and neither do you. We are better than this.

x

sandsad you don't have to wait for it to happen again - leave him whenever you are ready to.

Good luck OP x

Melons.
You're kidding yourself. Love doesn't have to be hard.

Your husband sounds like a prince among men

Please don't delude yourself OP - I have never known anyone to forgive 5 - yes 5 'dalliances'. What a charming word to describe your husband having fun with other women.

If your DC are really his life he should keep his trouser snake tucked well away out of mischief. If he can't do that then I assure you neither the kids nor you are his life. But I think you know that.

For whatever reason, this man is not going to be monogamous. He is always going to pursue sex with other women - well, at least until he gets older and loses his looks and fewer women are interested in having sex with him, though when that happens he will not stop trying to be a fannyrat, he will just become an embarrassing dirty old man.
So you have a simple choice: accept that he is going to carry on shagging around, or bin him. THere is no option 3 ie a magic button that will make him commit to a sexually excusive relationship with you.

I think one of my exes has reached the "embarassing dirty old man" status already

he was a vain, sun-worshipping fannyrat

the years will not have treated his looks favourably

and I expect he thinks he can still pull the 25yo's even though he probably looks like a slightly grubby and penniless Des O'Connor by now

shame

I haven't seen him for 25 years, thank fuck

I am sat here in the morning sun, sipping tea in a streetside cafe watching and listening to Ozzie life. Everyone is so positive here and they like who they are. They seem to know exactly what they want and bugger what anyone says about it. Car stickers say stuff that make me smile . 'Australia - if you don't like it, leave!'. I have had some very supportive messages from my wonderful friends back home, and my brother ( my parents died some years ago) wants the marriage to work but of course will understand any decision I make. I am getting there, to that 100% certainty.

He rang me last night and told me about his day. Then he rang back about 5 mins later and said he had 'bumped into' the ow at the office. She asked him how he was and he said he was in a hotel and. It good . So she asked him if he would like to go to dinner. He said no. He rang me to say how PROUD of himself he was because he said no. And that it would have been so very easy for him to say yes to her because he was in a hotel all on his own!!!!! I text 'words fail me' and went to bed.

I think I'm 99.99% there.

• meant to say

In a hotel and it's not good.

Sandsad - I think we've had 2 years what you're going through already. I couldn't find any passion because I was being constantly ground down by indiscretions. Lack of trust doesn't encourage displays of affection. It was only when we came here that I thought things were improving. It lasted 10 weeks. Silly old me, ever the optimist.

Hey - at least you're in the uk. Do what you need to do - mumsnet is a huge support 24 hours a day and has already been a massive comfort / source of advice for me.

X

Btw I know my grammar is shot to pieces. Trying to type on phone in the sun as quickly as possible and I really can't be arsed to correct 'I am sat' etc. It just comes out as a mind spew.

Grammar is the least of you problems. Enjoy the sun, enjoy the tea, don't let him take those simple pleasures from you.

Then "gird your loins" and do what you need to.

Home now but DH has come back early from work and had sunk half a bottle of the finest single malt. Passed out in bed. I'm so glad to see he's living up to his recent promises re growing up. Need to double gird loins for when he wakes up...

melonsmaygotobed I am really sorry tht you have gone through the upheaval of moving to the other side of the world only to now go through the upheaval of leaving your marriage. Having recently moed to Perth ourselves I understand the stress of such a move but to cope with the position you find yourself in at the moment shows what a really strong-minded and focused woman you are.

You are right to go through your thought process in its entirety - only then will you know to the bottom of your heart that you are ready to do what you may be about to do.

The feelings of positivity you experienced watching life go by will continue even even if you are single. That feeling comes from within knowing you are being true to You. We all want to live the perfect life for ourselves and children but in reality nobody's life is perfect even if they don't admit it to themselves. Life is too short and you must do what is right for you - being married does not mean you sign all your rights as a human being away, infact my view of marriage has been changed over the 6 years I have been married and my rosies came off a long time ago.

Good luck.

Thank you sparkle. I'm in Melbourne and I absolutely love it. This is my second marriage and I was in no way expecting perfection. I was, however, expecting my husband to have a modicum of honesty and an ounce of fidelity, with a smattering of integrity for good measure.

I got none of the above.

Luckily for me I am independent and positive, and despite everything have quite high self-esteem. I know my worth, and I could do so much better.

X

Is he awake yet?
He is simply refusing to grow up. He's not a father, he's your oversized teenage problem child.

Still out for the count. Have collected dc from kinder, cooked their dinner and now we're tidying ready for bath time. Not a peep. Just as well really.

melons, time to buy the DCs a real sized drum kit?????

x

Melons you sound as though you know what's the right thing to do even though it's not easy. Don't let this relationship grind you down and wear away your self-esteem. You have done everything and more to give this relationship a chance. He will still be their father - but I think you will be happier without him either in Oz or back home. Wish you well x

I'd leave him & stay where u are if you can.If his kids were his life why jeopardise it? He's not worth it. Put your happiness & kids first. Having to check up on him for the rest of your life is no way to live.

Agree with everyone else, but now coming home during the day, and drinking so much he passes out - I'm so angry on your behalf! He really does not give a flying arse about his kids. If he wanted to show he cared he would be coming home early and doing bedtime and inviting you to have a rest, and bonding with his kids to reassure them.

I would want this man out of my life asap.

I agree with others, I would have to leave. Sounds like whatever you do will never be enough for him :( you will constantly be checking up on him and that's not how it should be

I would not stay just for the kids either, why torment yourself? he is a shit that is never going to change. You don't love him anymore and I don't blame you

He could have the perfect woman and he still would want to persue other people

good luck op whatever you decide, you deserve someone who only wants to be with you and when you find that someone you will be pissed off that you stayed with the idiot for so long

I think the worst thing about this is that you said he "blanked" the children when he was unhappy with you. That, alone, would cement the resolve to end the relationship.

FWIW, I'm recently shot of someone who can't keep it in his trousers. I get why - I really do - but it's soul destroying. I hope you get rid and get on with your life. You sound very together and capable.

So, we went to see a Counsellor today. We have agreed to give it a shot for the marriage, the kids and us as individuals. We're going again next week. She is pretty good, we were both honest and open. She asks very good questions! I have asked the DH not to read my thread on mums net, or my email messages. If I find out he has done either, then it's a deal breaker as far as I'm concerned. Here goes... may need some hand-holding! Last chance saloon and all that. I know many of you think it is futile, but it's something we have never done before. Nothing to lose in trying...

Good luck with it. I think most of us understand the desire to fix things, if we're honest. I hope you find your happiness whatever path you end up taking.

If it were me, as long as he hasn?t raised a finger to any of you, I would get him back home out of the way of any more temptation (ie the hotel bar and other women) and get him booked into AA and to see a sex therapist asap! What use is he to anyone if he drinks himself to death or worse still puts your life at risk by passing on some dreadful STD? Good luck with everything in the meantime. Sounds like you have been v understanding with him and patient to date. He should wake up and realise what he has got to lose before it is too late x