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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage is over

69 replies

NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:04

DH and I have 3 DC aged 6, 4 and 10 months. The youngest has just started sleeping more or less through the night but I'm still utterly exhausted.
DH and I argue a lot lately. Mainly about housework and childcare. I have just finished mat leave and now work one day a week. DH has the kids on this day. He works 5 days a week normally but sometimes works weekends too.
I get no help with childcare. Eldest is at full time school, middle one goes to preschool 2.5 days a week, youngest at home full time. DH is great with the kids and adores them.
This afternoon we had a massive argument. We live in a 3 bed house. Youngest is still in our room, elder 2 share, we have a spare room. Eldest has asked to move into spare room so her brothers can share together. This has been on the cards since last summer. DH has nodded & smiled but done nothing. I have painted the room, bought her a wardrobe & bed (she is still in a junior bed and at 123cm tall she is now too long for it.) I have asked DH to please help me to put the bed together.
So today he announces that he thinks it's a mistake and she should continue to share with DS1. DS2 can stay in our room and we will move into the spare room (already a dbl bed in there.)
This became a heated discussion during which he told me he would put a knife in me one day, if we didn't split up I would end up under the patio, and worst of all, he said to 4 year old DS1 "Leave the room while I hit your mum"
He pulled a punch but didn't hit me. He went into the next room where DD was crying and saying "I don't want you to split up." He said "I still love you and the boys, I just don't love your Mum"
He's gone out tonight but has phoned to apologise. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
something2say · 06/04/2012 22:08

Oh christ!!! He drew his fist back and so on...

Can I ask are you ok? Has that been a pattern? And what would you like to do here?

NurseJennyLee · 06/04/2012 22:08

He has threatened you and involved your children. That's reason enough to never let him back into your home.

I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, please be strong and be good to yourself. You do not deserve to be treated or spoken to like this.

Have you any family/friends you can turn to tonight?

((hugs))

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 22:10

How awful, has he every been anything like this before?

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:12

I am physically fine. Very shocked and sad though. He is quite a confident, funny man with many friends and I am certain nobody who knows him would ever believe this. I am struggling to believe it myself. No it has not been a pattern, never happened before. My family are spread out, my parents live about 50 miles away.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:14

He resents being the main earner. He suggested that I go out to work full time and he stays home with the kids. Apparently it's far easier to be a SAHM than it is to work FT. I feel it may be a case of the grass is greener.
He has become defensive lately and competitive over tiredness, amount of housework done etc.

OP posts:
iwillbefree · 06/04/2012 22:17

god 321 thats awful,

I have an EA husband but he is subtle about it. Its the put a knife in you bit that makes me shiver. And upsetting your DD like that is just so hurtful. I wish I'd left years ago - he can't unsay those horrible words, do what your gut tells you, its usually right. I speak from bitter experience of ignoring it.

Best wishes, sending you strength.

something2say · 06/04/2012 22:17

It doesn't matter what other people believe. This is an incident of DV tho for sure. :( and the fact that you say others would never believe it of him is relevant and quite fitting actually.

So what do you want to do now then? Or are you too shocked still to work it out?

Have you considered a separation? Perhaps asking him to leave? I think he has made some loud noises about the relationship needing to end anyway, some space wouldn't hurt you. Could HE go somewhere for a bit?

Meanwhile what about you ?

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 22:18

Only you can decide if you want to forgive him Aand go to therapy but certainly if the marriage is going to continue you need to get to the bottom of what the hell is going on.

If you decide to not go down that route and accept it is over that is 100% valid based on his behaviour.

Harecare · 06/04/2012 22:18

Sorry, I don't know either. Before working out if your marriage is over you need to talk and set some ground rules:
Never argue in front of the children
Never bad mouth one another.
Never, never raise a hand in anger or make violent threats.
Can you go away for a bit - Mum's? Speak to your Mum if you can.

upsidewide · 06/04/2012 22:18

What did he say when he phoned to apologise? Did he say he did love you?

jesuswhatnext · 06/04/2012 22:19

'leave the room while i hit your mum' - deal breaker for me! fucking wanker would be out on his ear, i bet he phoned to apologise, he knows he just fucked up the best thing in his life!

something2say · 06/04/2012 22:19

Bloody finances eh, and its still the woman who ends up carrying the babies..... That said I don't trust men these days financially. We have to watch out for ourselves, see what happens when we don't, they feel they can sling it in our faces.....maybe you should work more, and then draw up a list of the household tasks and give him his share, which will be fair by his logic.

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:20

I don't know what to do. He won't leave, he wants the kids. How on earth he thinks he can work and have them FT I don't know. I can't leave them. I get the feeling he would like me to leave (well, he told me he did) and I think this is so he can blame me.
During the argument he said that I made him want to hurt me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/04/2012 22:21

Is something going on at work do you think?

Hassled · 06/04/2012 22:21

Are you expecting him back tonight? Will you feel safe? Is there anywhere else he can go for a while?

I can't get my head around what he said to your DS1. That's never going to go away, is it? That can't be undone.

UnhappyLizzie · 06/04/2012 22:21

Oh God, you have to get rid of him. I've read some awful stuff on here but 'leave the room while I hit your mum' gives me the absolute shivers. Please get some real life help, what you are describing is very scary :(

Hassled · 06/04/2012 22:22

You make him want to hurt you? So it's all your fault, is it? What a tosser.

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 22:23

It really is just so shocking, how would you have described things prior to the birth of your youngest? Has something changed?

sserp · 06/04/2012 22:23

I started reading his thinking....why is she splitting up over a bedroom not being decorated? But then I got to the end and my heart sank. Do you realise your kids could be placed on the at risk register for his behaviour? Both you and your children have been victims of abuse - you verbal and your kids emotional. Please seek help from the relevant agencies. Clearly he is overworked and stressed but can never be acceptable. A chat when everyone has cooled down to underline the seriousness of what he has done and then help from relationship counselling.

jesuswhatnext · 06/04/2012 22:23

woah!!! he said that!! you are in pretty serious danger my love!! all marriages have their ups and downs and arguments but that is a seriously fucked up thing to say to someone!

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:23

I feel really stupid now, he suggested I go away on my own for the night last weekend. And I went. Since then he has mentioned a few times how much fun it was without me, how it was easy etc etc. Now I wonder if he's been planning this to push me out.

OP posts:
iwillbefree · 06/04/2012 22:24

"During the argument he said that I made him want to hurt me"

So its your fault........I dont think so, wanker, dont let him turn things around onto you, he has basically wished harm onto you. Hope your DD is young enough to forget what she saw/heard Sad

UnhappyLizzie · 06/04/2012 22:24

During the argument he said that I made him want to hurt me

So it's your fault, then, isn't it? You made him.

Is there a DV helpline you can call? I'd even consider calling the police. Do you have family support?

Bohica · 06/04/2012 22:27

I would say your DH needs time away from the family home so he can realize what he is about to loose permantly.

Our 4 year old would not be able to cope with that level of commotion, she cries if I shout at her sisters so god knows how she would react if she ever even witnessed DH & I have a fight.

Your DH may well just be having a greener grass moment but I think whilst he is having it you would all be better with him away from the home.

I wouldn't allow him to return this evening, is the house in your name?

If you accept his apology it's the same as saying "it's ok to let our children see you ask them to leave the room for you to hit me" and to threaten me, you are saying you accept his behaviour.

Do you?

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 22:28

Makes you wonder if he's having an affair and does indeed want you out the way...