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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage is over

69 replies

NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:04

DH and I have 3 DC aged 6, 4 and 10 months. The youngest has just started sleeping more or less through the night but I'm still utterly exhausted.
DH and I argue a lot lately. Mainly about housework and childcare. I have just finished mat leave and now work one day a week. DH has the kids on this day. He works 5 days a week normally but sometimes works weekends too.
I get no help with childcare. Eldest is at full time school, middle one goes to preschool 2.5 days a week, youngest at home full time. DH is great with the kids and adores them.
This afternoon we had a massive argument. We live in a 3 bed house. Youngest is still in our room, elder 2 share, we have a spare room. Eldest has asked to move into spare room so her brothers can share together. This has been on the cards since last summer. DH has nodded & smiled but done nothing. I have painted the room, bought her a wardrobe & bed (she is still in a junior bed and at 123cm tall she is now too long for it.) I have asked DH to please help me to put the bed together.
So today he announces that he thinks it's a mistake and she should continue to share with DS1. DS2 can stay in our room and we will move into the spare room (already a dbl bed in there.)
This became a heated discussion during which he told me he would put a knife in me one day, if we didn't split up I would end up under the patio, and worst of all, he said to 4 year old DS1 "Leave the room while I hit your mum"
He pulled a punch but didn't hit me. He went into the next room where DD was crying and saying "I don't want you to split up." He said "I still love you and the boys, I just don't love your Mum"
He's gone out tonight but has phoned to apologise. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
nowthatyouremine · 06/04/2012 22:30

op your oh sounds so similar to my dp- in fact id say he has used those exact words. and i think what u said about the jealousy/ competition has hit the nail on the head.
if he was left with kids he would struggle and he probably knows it, lashing out due to his own insecurities id bet. its scary how many men r actually like this. i hope u get it resolves, i really do x

Heyyyho · 06/04/2012 22:33

He just sounds evil. A sadistic cruel man.

I haven't a clue how to advise you. I know for a fact many women here can.

Heswall · 06/04/2012 22:35

Change the locks no way would he get into my bed again

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:37

The house is rented. He pays the rent as I earn peanuts but it is in both our names. I have just sent him a text to suggest he stays out tonight. He's gone to another city, we were both supposed to go but I couldn't bring myself to.
Yes he is overworked. He loves his job but regularly works 16 hour days and it is a strain on all of us. On top of that he is self employed and won't get an accountant so he does his own accounts too.
He has a history of changing his mind at the last minute over things that I or the DC want. I think (ironically) his dislike of confrontation stops him from saying "No" in the first place. Like the new bedroom for DD.
The most heartbreaking example of this is DS2. We discussed having a 3rd baby, he was keen, I was excited. Once I was pg he was horrified and didn't want the baby. Every time I say I'm tired he replies "well you wanted 3 kids..."
BUT - he shows DS2 off to everyone, talks about him constantly and appears to love him. My whole pregnancy was awful, I didn't dare discuss it with him and felt very alone. It's possible the pregnancy and arrival of DC3 have pushed him over the edge.

OP posts:
Hassled · 06/04/2012 22:39

You're making a lot of excuses for what was inexcusable behaviour.

Before tonight, were you happy?

kickingKcurlyC · 06/04/2012 22:39

I wouldn't let him back into the house. Saying that in front of your children is so very scary.

Even if he's having a breakdown or something, and it is totally out of character, he doesn't sound safe to be around right now.

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:39

He's not having an affair. He's exhausted too. I trust him 100% to be faithful.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:41

We have been arguing on and off since DS2 was born, but we are both very tired. DH now has quite a bit of time off between contracts and so things will be easier re childcare/housework as we can share them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/04/2012 22:41

But before today you would have 100% trusted him not to pull a fist and threaten you Sad

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:43

I'm not sure if I feel safe, I feel quite numb tbh. Nothing on this scale has happened before so I am still reeling. I will sleep in with thw baby tonight and ask him to sleep in the spare room. He hasn't replied yet but it would be a relief if he wanted to stay out tonight.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 06/04/2012 22:43

What are your finances like? Whose name is house in? Can you access cash quickly or put in an account in your own name?
I never post on these threads usually - but you need to start organising to leave - you and the kids

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:44

Random I am totally convinced he is faithful. Part of me almost wishes it was an affair so he would leave Sad

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 06/04/2012 22:45

I don't care how tired he is, there is no excuse for saying that to your child. Sad I'm sorry this is happening to you. It is horrible.

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:45

merci I have nowhere to go. DD has school so I can't take her to my parents. They live in a 2 bed flat anyway so can't take in 4 of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:47

No, there is no excuse for what he said. I don't think he has any idea how awful it sounded. I can't forget it. DS1 is 4 and fairly easy going, stuff tends to go over his head but he definitely heard because he scarpered Sad

OP posts:
Sweepitundertherug · 06/04/2012 22:47

Good god. Has he ever been like this before.
He sounds a bit unhinged.
You can get in touch with woman's aid for advice.

Stay safe x

MadameChinLegs · 06/04/2012 22:52

In a typical WOH parent resents SAH parent and wants to swap I'd suggest going for it, if you could however that is not even registering with me here, due to how horrifically he has acted towards you. NO husband should EVER say the things he has to you, or to your children or raised a hand to you.

For those reasons, I think who stays at home and the division of childcare and housework is irrelevant. Think seriously about whether you want someone in your life who has said they will put a knife into you....who has told your children that they do not love you....would you allow a friend to act/say this? No. Then why your H?

If it were me, I would be making some big steps towards separation.

Bohica · 06/04/2012 22:55

Trust your instincts. If you don't feel safe call womens aid and arrange to get out, it doesn't need to be forever but it will give you space to think and be in a safer enviroment.

I know you feel really shit right now but I feel so Sad for your children, you need to stop them seeing this and living their little lives like this.

I wouldn't give him a choice aboout coming back or where he sleeps in the house, you really need to send a clear messsage that his behaviour is unacceptable to you.

And I bet if your parents knew thay would take you in in a heart beat, sod the 2 bed flat!

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 22:56

Never seen him this angry before. We went out separately this afternoon and both calmed down. I took the boys in the car, DD was picked up by her friend's family for a playdate. DH said he cried when I left. He was quite contrite before he went out tonight. I think he has shocked himself.
I have been fairly anxious since DS2 was born. He caught meningitis at 6 weeks old and spent a week in hospital on IV antiobiotics. I thought we'd lost him. Since then I have been quite down generally. I have just finished BFing and my AF started this week (first since the birth) so hormonally I am all over the place. I am not excusing his behaviour. I am trying to understand how it has come to this.

OP posts:
Hassled · 06/04/2012 22:57

I think what you need to do is work out an exit strategy. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on re residence and the kids - you've been the primary care-giver. You could post on Legal for reassurance, or see a Family Lawyer who does a free half hour/hour session (lots of them do). So - think practically. If you decide you need to leave, do you have savings? Family who would help? Could you increase your hours at work? Look at entitledto.co.uk to get an idea of benefits etc.

When you have an exit plan clear in your mind you'll feel stronger and more able to deal with whatever comes next.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 06/04/2012 23:01

I haven't read the whole thread, but what he said to your dd gave me chills. Imagine how you would feel to be made to leave a room while your dad says he's going to beat your mother?! Only you can decide what to do, but think of your children. I personally could not let my dd witness anything like that for a second time.

Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 23:01

I know he wouldn't get the kids. I have some savings but some of my money is held in a joint account. He wouldn't begrudge me any money. He doesn't care about money. He wants, as he said today, an easy life. Arguing with me is not conducive to an easy life.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanger321 · 06/04/2012 23:02

I am very confused. I want him to go away and give me some space to think.

OP posts:
Hassled · 06/04/2012 23:06

Well that's completely reasonable and if he's usually a reasonable man then he'll see that. Where could he go for a while? If you come up with a concrete plan ("I thought you could stay with Bob for a couple of weeks") it might be accepted more readily. Of course you're going to need time and space.

AKMD · 06/04/2012 23:08

You need to call the police OP. What he said and did is terrifying for me and I'm only reading it over the internet. He does not sound safe and you need help fast.

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