I think my marriage is over

[NameChanger321]

DH and I have 3 DC aged 6, 4 and 10 months. The youngest has just started sleeping more or less through the night but I'm still utterly exhausted.
DH and I argue a lot lately. Mainly about housework and childcare. I have just finished mat leave and now work one day a week. DH has the kids on this day. He works 5 days a week normally but sometimes works weekends too.
I get no help with childcare. Eldest is at full time school, middle one goes to preschool 2.5 days a week, youngest at home full time. DH is great with the kids and adores them.
This afternoon we had a massive argument. We live in a 3 bed house. Youngest is still in our room, elder 2 share, we have a spare room. Eldest has asked to move into spare room so her brothers can share together. This has been on the cards since last summer. DH has nodded & smiled but done nothing. I have painted the room, bought her a wardrobe & bed (she is still in a junior bed and at 123cm tall she is now too long for it.) I have asked DH to please help me to put the bed together.
So today he announces that he thinks it's a mistake and she should continue to share with DS1. DS2 can stay in our room and we will move into the spare room (already a dbl bed in there.)
This became a heated discussion during which he told me he would put a knife in me one day, if we didn't split up I would end up under the patio, and worst of all, he said to 4 year old DS1 "Leave the room while I hit your mum"
He pulled a punch but didn't hit me. He went into the next room where DD was crying and saying "I don't want you to split up." He said "I still love you and the boys, I just don't love your Mum"
He's gone out tonight but has phoned to apologise. I don't know what to do.

I will suggest it to him. I have the feeling that he would rather I left. I couldn't leave my kids, ever. I've never spent a night away from the baby and only been away from the others when I was in hospital either giving birth or with DS2 while he was so very poorly.
He is a reasonable man, usually. This is completely out of character and bizarre behaviour.
If I was reading this thread I would be advising the op to get rid. He said some frightening things to me today. I have no idea if he would act on them. Having seen the rage on his face today I couldn't say he wouldn't.
I don't know what to do. I feel to blame for wanting things

He was well out of order and I'd be very concerned about the future, as you are.

If he really is contrite he should work to make sure it never happens again. He should go to counselling to deal with his feelings and control his aggression.

You may need some yourself.

I hope it doesn't happen again, as that would mean it had become a pattern.

He also needs to know that it cannot possibly happen again.

Will he go and see a gp for help?
Definitely get an exit strategy and some of that money out of joint and into your name

I have to go and feed DS2 now, and try to sleep. DH hasn't replied yet.
Thank you all so much for listening and advising me. I am very grateful to you for being there. Hopefully he'll stay out tonight and give me some space to think. My head is spinning.

please look after yourself and your precious kids. sending you hugs and hope you manage to get some rest x

I think having a small baby in the house can turn any person into a manic monster.

Lack of sleep, exhaustion, distribution of labour inside the house, mess, the relentlessness of it all can drive even a Buddhist monk up the wall. Nobody can live like that for long without going crazy.

My rule has always been: never take life or death decision about your situation as a couple when you have an under three in the house. I have two children and even the first time when we were absolutely over the moon about the baby, we had terrible arguments and were very grumpy, and of course took it on each other so many times.

Before you reach a final decision, take some time apart. Maybe he can go to his parents for a while. With perspective, you'll see that you're going through a very trying time as a couple and that you would get along a lot better if it was just you and your partner for a while.

NameChanger321 Fri 06-Apr-12 23:01:39
I know he wouldn't get the kids

He is getting the kids [fume]

DH and I argue a lot lately
I get no help with childcare
he told me he would put a knife in me one day
if we didn't split up I would end up under the patio
he said to 4 year old DS1 "Leave the room while I hit your mum"
He pulled a punch
He went into the next room where DD was crying and saying "I don't want you to split up." He said "I still love you and the boys, I just don't love your Mum"
He has become defensive lately and competitive over tiredness
I get the feeling he would like me to leave (well, he told me he did
he said that I made him want to hurt me
he has mentioned a few times how much fun it was without me
Every time I say I'm tired he replies "well you wanted 3 kids
I'm not sure if I feel safe
Part of me almost wishes it was an affair so he would leave
DS1 is 4 and fairly easy going, stuff tends to go over his head but he definitely heard because he scarpered

I do feel for you but I have C&P points you have made yourself tonight for you to have a read back.

It all sounds very sad and you also sounds like you are making excuses for his behaviour (I haven't posted those) yet

Keep your cildren and yourself safe and then work everything else out from there.

I have been in your situation and we eventually rebuilt our relationship, 10+ years down the line and 3 children. It isn't all roses everyday but we are all safe & loved and he knows that violence isn't an option in this marriage.

I truly don't think you'll be safe if he comes back in ther home , Namechanger- really shocking stuff , and you sound amazingly clear-headed in your reasoning however distressed & confused you're feeling . I think AKMD is right that you need someone to come & help you tonight

I locked myself in my bedroom with the baby last night. He sent a text around 1.30am to say he was on his way, he loved me and he would be quiet and not wake us.
I got up at 6.30 with the baby as usual, DD came down at 7. DH slept in the spare room and is still asleep. He got home around 3am. I am feeling rough this morning, not much sleep last night. Kids seem chipper although DS1 not awake yet. I am taking the kids out today, I need some distance.
Bohica thanks for your comment. After a lot of thought I think the baby has changed things for him. He feels more pressure. I have always done the night feeds and early mornings and still do.
I can hear him moving upstairs, got to go.

Please stop making excuses for him. Having the baby changed things far more for you. Yes he is allowed to stressed, he is not allowed to issue you with death threats.

Just going back to the OP where you were talking about him changing his mind about the bedroom. You mentioned he had done this before. You do understand that this is his way of asserting control over the family. Keeping you on your toes and in your place. Him making the decision he wants in his own timeframe, designed to cause maximum disruption. (Not to mention your poor DD and how she must feel having her bedroom taken away from her - quite cruel)

He also seems to put down what you do. Saying it is easy, suggesting you swap roles (he doesn't really want to btw).

All in all he doesn't seem to respect you and added to this he is doing this in front of the children. Can you really carry on with someone who feels like that about you?

I find the most heartbreaking thing about all this what he said to ds1. You can't erase that so IMO you should make plans to ensure he never has to hear anything like that ever again.
I feel for you so much in this and am sending unmumsnetty (((hugs))) this morning to you and your family.

Yes he has done the change-mind-at-the-last-minute thing a few times. DD doesn't really understand what's happening about her bedroom, he won't discuss it.
We currently have no loft insulation. Thank goodness this winter has been very mild but the house was still freezing. I have changed energy provider and arranged for the loft insulation to be installed (it's free with British Gas) and as the date approaches he ums and ahs and says we should postpone it as he doesn't have time to clear the loft. Only he won't call, I end up doing it as if I don't they will turn up and I will have to deal with them. This has happened twice so far.
It's more the fact that we discuss it, he agrees and seems keen to go ahead with whatever it is. Then he does this passive aggressive thing.
I agree he puts down my role. I am a qualified teacher and have always worked, full time until the day DD was born (she was a month early) and then part time until DC3 was born. I don't plan to go back as I no longer enjoy my work. Instead I work for a private company one day a week which I love.
He does want to swap roles but he doesn't really understand the extent of what I do. He has the children on the day I work but he only does the childcare part iyswim. He does no cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill-paying, school runs etc. He just plays with the kids all day. Obviously they love this, it's far more fun than when I have them as I am doing all of the above as well.

Yes it is passive aggressive. He really doesn't seem to care about improving the life of his family does it. You know warmth, comfort, bed that fits . And you are right he doesn't understand the day to day running of a family because that is beneath him.

I feel for you OP.

jesus, what a cock

I'm worried about how isolated you feel and how no one would believe this of him.

If you were my friend I would believe you.

find someone to talk to, to get strength. if there really isn't anyone, phone womansaid

Listen: you are both absolutely exhausted. Please be kind to eachother, this is just such a hard time of your lives.

That's all I wanted to say. You are both at the end of your tether. Perhaps you could say that? That you know how tired he is, but could he promise never, ever, ever to frighten the children the way he did. That no matter how wound up he is threatening to hurt is unacceptable.

Make that a dealbreaker. That next time you will call the police so that someone else can tell him it is unacceptable.

What could he do to help you? Could you go to your parents for a long weekend (4 days) with the baby, so that he does see what running a house takes?

Make sure you leave a big basket of laundry to do!

PS What is AF?

no way I would accept that sort of language to me or my children, if somebody respects you so little when you have a home, 3 young children and a life together for several years you should walk straight out the door.
Personally I would walk out the door and leave him with the children he thinks its so easy to look after and see how long it lasts! ...but after some of the things he has said Im not sure I would feel its safe to do that....

What a horrifying experience you're going through. I do think you should speak to Women's Aid as this was an incident of domestic abuse.

Sorry Abitwobblynow, AF is my period. Hence the hormones comment.