Really, really pissed off with 'D'H

[Tamisara]

We live in a housing association house (it is solely in his name), so I don't even know whether we're allowed one or not.

He's bought it for a 'reasonable' price from Ebay, I guess. But I'm just so angry with him.

We talked about it, and decided that instead of getting a conservatory we'd make the outhouse converted. We were supposed to do the outhouse last year, when he bought a shed. However, it is still full of the stuff that I had from my own house (I lived with DS for 18yrs alone). Even my precious books are out there, firstly because I needed a bookcase, now we have one, but it's full of ornaments as my books look "messy'.

So he looked on Ebay, and bought one yesterday, and just told me 'fait accomplis'.

He's paying for someone to take it down, and for the conservatory itself tomorrow, but will not collect it till later (which worries me, paying for something, but not having it). We also cannot afford it right now.

I've already (almost definitely) decided to leave him. Our second DD was born sleeping at 37 weeks last year, and I would love to have another baby (not to replace her, not at all), but he said that he will never help me to get pregnant (I don't think that her death, or the traumatic birth is the reason, he wanted me to abort her when I first got pregnant).

As I'm getting older, I decided that if he wanted no more children then he would sort himself out, but he won't. So I'm not prepared to stay with a man, who doesn't want another baby with me, but retains the ability to have more in the future, when I'm no longer able.

I'm sure someone will recognise my story, and yes - I know - I should have left him already. I'm just concerned about finances, especially as he wants money from me for the conservatory

I'm.... confused?

I just want to add, that I managed to speak to my CPN alone yesterday (usually difficult) and he said that it doesn't sound like an equal partnership.

I know I should leave, I guess that as my moods are so unstable (more so since our DD2 died) that I'm exaggerating on here, and in reality it's not that bad. But right now I'm pretty stable, and really do think that it's untenable. I just don't know how to get out. I'm scared of Women's Aid, as he's not nasty in a really violent way, but I hate the fact that I have no say, and if I disagree with wanting a conservatory/shed/more furniture, he accuses me of not wanting a nice home, as my own house (that I shared with DS) was a "shithole". I have nothing of mine in 'his' house though.

I guess I should have just posted this on my old thead.

I was just asking if (on it's own, and taken out of context of the other things 'wrong' in our relationship) whether someone's DH buying a conservatory, when they are hard up, and without discussing it first, would be a deal-breaker.

If you want out, get out. If he won't discuss with you get out. Do you have somewhere to go?

I think at the bottom of all of it is the question, do you love this man?

If not, leave him and find someone who will have more children with you.
If you do, then I suppose you decide if that love is worth the possibility of never having any more children.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Hope you find peace soon.

I'm not aware of the OPs previous thread.
It sounds bad though.

He's bought a conservatory? Yes, he does need permission from the HA.

I'm sorry for your loss btw and I agree, you need to get out. I'd start working on a plan, lots of support here.

I haven't seen your old thread but from reading this one I would say that yes this would be a deal-breaker for me.

This 'man' puts you down (calling your old place a shithole), leaves the possessions you describe as "precious" in an outhouse, buys things you haven't agreed to while expecting you to pay for it, and all while you have money worries.

Sorry to hear about your dd2. :(

MyNameIsnt I wish I was making it up. It sounds silly, a conservatory - we talk, decide no, then he goes ahead and buys one anyway. Then gets angry with me, as I'm not happy, as I like living in squalor, and don't know what a nice home is.

Tea Thing is at times I do love him, which makes it harder for anyone to understand. Can I live without more children? Probably, if I leave then I won't have much choice, as time is against me. But it's what he said, when I got pregnant with DD2, he actually said that he didn't want more children "with you". Not that he didn't want more iyswim? So him now saying (to my psychiatrist, who refused to presribe a certain med as I'm of childbearing age) that he would never help me to get pregnant. Not that he didn't want more children.

The photos on your profile are heartbreaking. I am so sorry you have been through such a terrible time.
As for your dh you need to talk unless the time for talking has truly passed. I think he would need permission for a conservatory from the Housing Association but he should have discussed and got your agreement for such a large expenditure anyway.

Your OP is quite difficult to follow.
The Conservatory is the least of your problems it's just a symptom of what's going on.
This man is controlling you and sounds a bully. Why are you sharing your life with someone who treats you with no respect? I'm sorry to hear about the death of your DD, that's such a hard thing to get through.
The problem you have is that I think you know you need to leave this man but you want to be in a better place mentally to do it. I don't think you will be in a better place mentally till you leave him.
The only other thing I would say is that the death of a child or any serious loss or trauma puts incredible stress on a relationship. I know when I lost a baby I was incredibly difficult to live with and DH appeared to treat me coldly. Really we were both grieving and lost ourselves for a while.
You sound like you need help and really need someone in RL to support you.

Yep he is an arse and uses every opportunity to put you in your place so to speak.

He is emotionally abusive and womens aid exist so you can leave him.

Be strong x

Iloved I'm sorry for your loss too (((hugs)))

The OP is probably confusing as I wrote it to put in AIBU, just about the conservatory. But then changed my mind, and copied part of it.

I know the loss can affect a relationship, but (unfortunately) we already had problems before that.

Since she died he has bought new sofas, bought loads of toys for DD1 (that we can't afford), a new mattress, a new TV, a carpet cleaner, a new mobile for him and his son. I honestly don't know where the money is coming from, and to be honest, it worries me sick. I've never even seen a bank statement.

and what is he doing for you?

Thank you Random I don't think I deserve such niceness, not when I've been such a weak, pathetic woman, who's been told for ages to leave, and haven't. I sat & cried last night about Tamsin, I think this time last year I was so happy in spite of him, now I'm just so ... lost xx

Did he spend like this before your daughter died?
His behaviour seems compulsive the way you describe it.

Randon nothing. He looks at other girls when we're out (but claims he doesn't, I sound so paranoid, but I've never been with a man who's done it so obviously). He happily claims he'd wanted lots of kids with his ex, but not with me. We haven't even had sex since she died, which is coming up 6 months at the end of the month. I guess I get nothing.

You are not weak and pathetic but have every rational reason to feel as you do.

No, the conservatory is not a deal breaker in itself...but the rest absolutely definately is!!

I can feel your pain in your posts and I am also very sorry for your loss.

Please leave and find a better life for yourself.

Sunflowers Yes. Not on the house so much. He went on holiday, abroad (alone) when I was pregnant with DD1, and when she was 4 months old. Bought himself a Wii, bought a laptop, bought his shed (so I could have my books and things in the house).

You are not weak and pathetic you are doing so well.

You had a horrific labour and birth with DD2, the affect on your health has been monumental, you have looked after DD1 all the while your H has been an arse, carried on inappropriate relationships with a colleague, undermined you, kept you away from supportive people, and he's trying to spend your money!! Not to mention let DSS treat you appallingly.

It is not surprising that you need to recover sufficiently in order to leave x

Oh my love.
This isn't a relationship. You need to leave him. He sounds so selfish and really doesn't care about your wellbeing. He sounds like he's living on his own already, you are barely in the equation.
You really have to start making plans to leave. You have been through so much and you and your DD deserve to be happy.
I hope you find the strength.