Really, really pissed off with 'D'H

[Tamisara]

We live in a housing association house (it is solely in his name), so I don't even know whether we're allowed one or not.

He's bought it for a 'reasonable' price from Ebay, I guess. But I'm just so angry with him.

We talked about it, and decided that instead of getting a conservatory we'd make the outhouse converted. We were supposed to do the outhouse last year, when he bought a shed. However, it is still full of the stuff that I had from my own house (I lived with DS for 18yrs alone). Even my precious books are out there, firstly because I needed a bookcase, now we have one, but it's full of ornaments as my books look "messy'.

So he looked on Ebay, and bought one yesterday, and just told me 'fait accomplis'.

He's paying for someone to take it down, and for the conservatory itself tomorrow, but will not collect it till later (which worries me, paying for something, but not having it). We also cannot afford it right now.

I've already (almost definitely) decided to leave him. Our second DD was born sleeping at 37 weeks last year, and I would love to have another baby (not to replace her, not at all), but he said that he will never help me to get pregnant (I don't think that her death, or the traumatic birth is the reason, he wanted me to abort her when I first got pregnant).

As I'm getting older, I decided that if he wanted no more children then he would sort himself out, but he won't. So I'm not prepared to stay with a man, who doesn't want another baby with me, but retains the ability to have more in the future, when I'm no longer able.

I'm sure someone will recognise my story, and yes - I know - I should have left him already. I'm just concerned about finances, especially as he wants money from me for the conservatory

Has your sister got room for you/ local? [Assuming she is not living with her soon to be ex husband].

Thank you all :)

mummy I'm meeting a friend tomorrow (one who was a bit when I married, as I wanted to wait a while, but DH pushed me to marry (we were together just under 7 weeks when we married). She knows someone who works for Women's Aid, so I will talk to her. She is also the only person, who has been to Tamsin's grave (apart from us), so feel that she is someone who does care for me.

Sunflowers Dsis is still living with her stbxh. It is very strained there. Due to SS involvement (her DS's school are worried about him) he spends lots of nights with my parents, but BIL would not be happy with me staying there.

I do hope that you realise that I really do appreciate the advice. I guess my mum was right - I have been looking for ways to 'shock' DH into realising that I am serious. But, as mum very wisely said, I know that I'm waiting for the impossible.

When I saw my CPN the other day, he asked if I'd told DH how I felt. But I reminded my CPN that I told DH it would be over if he went on holiday - both times - and both times he called my bluff. He neither has reason to believe I will follow through, nor cares enough. I now wonder whether he really was the injured party in his last marriage. It's definite his EW cheated on him, but maybe, just maybe, he was cold, uncaring etc to her. Who knows?

The only thing my mum said that was a bit iffy, was that we should go to bereavement counselling first. But, to be honest, that's just delaying the inevitable.

Funnily enough he's quite happy now. He's got his conservatory (not physically yet, it's taken down, but now has to be transported), and got his own way.

I think the reason I procrastinate so much, is I've always wanted a family. I have a degree, ran my own business, but my deepest ambition was to be a wife & mother. I hate that I've failed. I was a single parent to DS for 18yrs, and it was fine... but I just wanted what everyone else had - a family... a proper family.

There is NO WAY you have failed at ANYTHING. You are refusing to let your DC think that the way you have been living is what a 'real' marriage looks like, so you are leaving. You are showing them that it is better to be on your own than in an abusive relationship (and it IS emotional abuse) and they will learn from you what is right and wrong and how to treat their partners properly. So you certainly haven't failed. From where I'm sitting it sounds like you're winning xx

Tami, Womens Aid are not just for physical abuse, they are also for emotional abuse. You don't have to be in physical danger to ring them, you really don't. They would give you a place to stay and the support you need to get free of him. I honestly think that you don't realise how badly you are being abused and when you do leave, you will look back in horror at the crap you had to put up with.

Him pressurising you into a commitment is a red flag for abuse also, did you realise that?

And your Mum is right, nothing you say or do will ever elicit the correct response from him. He doesn't have it in him.

7 weeks when he'd already had a failed marriage behind

Yep so it was too quick to realise his nasty mean cruel abusive streak

tami there is excellent advice and support here for you, and it sounds like you are emotionally stronger and more ready to make this big step. We are here for you.

Thank you all.

Chip I didn't realise that it was a red flag at the time, I thought (fool I am) that it was a sign of deep romance. I have to admit that I was high at the time, so the impulsivity was OK, till just before the wedding, when I started to get cold feet.

everlong I'm meeting my friend tomorrow, and will probably do it with her. He's in the house a lot of the time which makes it more difficult. I'm so ridiculously shy (especially on the phone) that I go to pieces. I think I said in another thread, that I'd emailed DH, because I find it much easier to write, than to say things & tend to be so self-conscious. This is why I don't get much support from my bereavement midwife, she talks, I don't like to interrupt. She won't meet, only phone support, which isn't great for me (also DH tends to hang around, so I can't talk freely). This is also the reason I keep emailing my consultant's secretary about my bloods, instead of phoning.

I think ultimately I do doubt myself as well. It's one thing writing it all out (and when I started this I was so frustrated that he'd gone & bought the damned conservatory without my consent/input, and needed to vent that frustration as he didn't listen. Now he's got it, he's all happy, and I'm just being quiet. Then it doesn't seem so bad, just like chip says, I need to keep writing it all, as until each new thing pops up, it's easy to just accept it.

I'm so angry that I gave up everything for him. My house, my possessions, everything xx

Random Thanks, your support (and everyone elses of course) is fantastic xx

You can use woman's aid.

Good luck to you xxx

I just can't imagine buying a conservatory (even 2nd hand) and not discussing it with my dh - it's not just the money but the hassle and time to sort, reducing the size of the garden etc etc It's just not what you do in a partnership!

I'm better at writing things down too so I understand completely.

Wishing you a good day with your friend tomorrow - lots more RL support coming your way from her I'm sure.

Bear in mind, tami, that Womens Aid are used to spotting abusive behaviour. And even here on MN where most of his don't deal with abused women day after day, several posters here identified several red flags. It's enough. And all the things he took from you, you can have them again.

Mind you, Random, a girl I know came home once to find her dh had put in a new kitchen which she hated! It was a very nice kitchen but not one she would have chosen. She is still with him but importantly most of the time he treats her very well!

Hope you had a good time with your friend x

tami hoping that you are ok. It's been a while since we saw you on here. And please remember that this is a safe place where we want to help you.

Tamisara, I hope you are able to take the really good advice from MNetters on your thread, here. You really do deserve better than this. You also deserve to contact the Housing Association and ask them to start an application in your own name, asap, and explain about the Domestic Abuse.

Please take care of yourself. So sorry.

Thinking of Tamisara

I've not seen you around,hope all is okay Tami x

Thinking of you x