Really, really pissed off with 'D'H

[Tamisara]

We live in a housing association house (it is solely in his name), so I don't even know whether we're allowed one or not.

He's bought it for a 'reasonable' price from Ebay, I guess. But I'm just so angry with him.

We talked about it, and decided that instead of getting a conservatory we'd make the outhouse converted. We were supposed to do the outhouse last year, when he bought a shed. However, it is still full of the stuff that I had from my own house (I lived with DS for 18yrs alone). Even my precious books are out there, firstly because I needed a bookcase, now we have one, but it's full of ornaments as my books look "messy'.

So he looked on Ebay, and bought one yesterday, and just told me 'fait accomplis'.

He's paying for someone to take it down, and for the conservatory itself tomorrow, but will not collect it till later (which worries me, paying for something, but not having it). We also cannot afford it right now.

I've already (almost definitely) decided to leave him. Our second DD was born sleeping at 37 weeks last year, and I would love to have another baby (not to replace her, not at all), but he said that he will never help me to get pregnant (I don't think that her death, or the traumatic birth is the reason, he wanted me to abort her when I first got pregnant).

As I'm getting older, I decided that if he wanted no more children then he would sort himself out, but he won't. So I'm not prepared to stay with a man, who doesn't want another baby with me, but retains the ability to have more in the future, when I'm no longer able.

I'm sure someone will recognise my story, and yes - I know - I should have left him already. I'm just concerned about finances, especially as he wants money from me for the conservatory

Tamisara, I do think you should leave him.
Even if it's for a trial seperation.
He does sound like he has other issues going on tbh.

I have now spoken to him about the conservatory. He is angry that I'm not enthusiastic about it. He thinks I don't want a "nice home".

Thing is when I put it all together it does strengthen my resolve. I can't stop thinking about the photos I found on the camera. The ones he took for me, yet I would never have known about them, if I hadn't discovered them. I've still never let them go, even though he's happy to swear to my psychiatrist that they were for me, I just don't/can't believe it.

That, together with everything else, is just too much to bear

I can really understand that. It would be lying that would erode everything else away, the fact he had to rush back to his volunteer job after Tamsin died - definately a suspicious relationship.

I'm so sorry that he treats you so awfully and uses your Bi-polar as an excuse to blame you/frame you for the affect his behaviour is having. He is as far from loving and supportive as you could get.

Thanks Random. I know it seems that I don't listen - but I do, I just need to check that I'm not seeing it wrongly if that makes sense?

Funnily enough his 'friend' no longers contacts him (that I'm aware of), she doesn't go in anymore, this I know as DD1 goes to a group just round the corner, and I've now met them, but it was suspicious for sure. Maybe she had a conscience when Tamsin died?

The photos often play on my mind. When he's 'nice' to me, I remember them & go cold. I really can't understand them. There were none of his face, which is what makes them so sleazy, iyswim.

The nights I sat up crying (at times on here), when he just ignored me. My birthday when I sat writing on my thread, in the bedroom, on my own, whilst he watched a film, completely ignoring my tears & pain.

The fact that he cut off my connection to this site, Netmums & Facebook (he's allowed this site again, after I pleaded that I needed the bereavement thread, but I can only access the other two sites through my phone, or when next door are home).

Yep, writing it all down, in one, makes it look so awful. But I guess what happens, is we ignore each other, or he's nice to me, and I forget till the next problem. When really it's never right. I don't try to have sex anymore, when I wanted to he ignored me, now it's nearly 6 months on. It's not a marriage, not even nearly a marriage xx

I think leaving is a big step and I can understand why you are struggling to do so but please remember it isn't all you he has been unsupportive, he has done some very suspicious things and he has been controlling. It isn't about his failure to support you when Tamsin dies it's about so much more than that, some of his behaviour around DSS has been unbelievable tbh.

Wishing you courage and strength x

Haven't seen your other thread OP, and don't have any better advice than those posters who have already posted.

But just wanted to send you huge hugs and will you the strength to start a new life with your lovely DD. So sorry for your loss x

OK, so I've just talked to him, and I'm sitting here - on the sofa - in tears again.

I told him I was fed-up with him deciding everything. The conservatory just being another example. He claims he's doing it for us, and when I said that I have no say, he asked what ideas I have to make the bedroom look nice???!!!

I then broached the subject of more children; he confirmed that he never wants another baby with me. I asked if he was going to go the doctor to sort himself out, and he said "no, I don't want surgery, why don't you get the injection?" I won't have the injection, as the hormones make my moods worse. Besides - and this is the most important bit - I'm not the one wanting to prevent a pregnancy. I tried to find out why. He wouldn't answer. I then told him that I didn't think we were compatible, that we wanted different things from life, and came downstairs.

He just came downstairs and asked me if I was going to stop being "mad", and come back to bed. I feel like screaming. I don't want the damned conservatory got, yet he won't listen. He thinks I'm being "mad" when I say I want another baby. He also says that I never loved him, and used him as a sperm donor, and if I want another baby then I'm just a "slapper".

I don't know what to do. I think, in all honesty, that I should pack my bags tomorrow, whilst he's going to take the conservatory down. He won't listen to me, he never takes me seriously. I don't know how to get through to him, it's all his way.

Something else happened which I've not said before. A few nights ago, DD1 was playing up in the early hours. I was frustrated and tired, and grumpy. DH grabbed me and said "it's damned lucky that we've not got the other one as you wouldn't be able to cope". How the fuck could he say that. I just want my baby back,

Sweetheart I just want to give you a huge hug. I cannot imagine what you have been through.

He is not being a good husband.

Firstly you need to look after yourself.

But I have two points to make. He is bereaved too; I know some men get scared of having another child and going through it again.

Secondly men are scared of vasectomies. My lovely DH, was terrified, he let it get to the point I had a hospital appointment for a sterilisation before deciding he could do it to save me the intrusive op, and we can't have any more because of my health. But he was so scared.

I am not making excises for him. It sounds like he was like this before your beautiful tamsin. But you are both six months in, you are both still mourning. Do you have any counselling? You need some. You are doing the best you can. Don't be hard on yourself.

Thanks rhonda.

I have thought about him being bereaved too, but he wanted to abort her, he even mentioned abortion at the 36 week scan. He then said (just nights ago) that it was lucky that we didn't have her, as I wouldn't have coped.

I understand too, that the whole labour went wrong & I nearly died - still not an excuse, if anything it should alleviate his fears of a vasectomy to 'save me' from undergoing more sugery, yet he'd willingly let me be sterilised, rather than not be fully functioning himself.

I gave him an ultimatum this morning, made it quite clear that our marriage is over if he goes to get this damned conservatory, and doesn't take my feelings seriously. He instead just asked where his phone was.

I don't know how to make him realise I am serious?

I've asked my mum & dad to come & collect some of our stuff, maybe if we're not here, it will make him realise that I'm not joking. I'm worried though, I can't take everything, and I have precious things here, that I don't want him to break in temper.

I'm also aware that the council will class me as intentionally homeless if I just leave. So I want to put it that I haven't left, just staying away (so he knows I'm serious) then seek legal advice before anything more permanent.

Unfortunately he got me to buy an isofix carseat, that only fits in his car (I've checked and it won't fit in my dad's land rover, or my brother or sister's cars).

he sounds horrible

Oh please leave him, please do.

You sound so lost, and vulnerable. He is awful, and he's damaging your mental health.

I remember all your threads from last year, he makes you obsessive with his headfuck behaviour. You deserve happiness. He will give you nothing but misery.

MyName The carseat won't fit, even with seatbelts, I checked it on the Britax site, I'm pretty sure that DH knew this when he got me to buy it.

I've got my parents coming over now. I'm really scared, not sure I'm doing the right thing or not.

I just can't believe that he actually ignored me this morning, and refuses to take me seriously, I just can't believe it :(

If you need to leave, the law allows you in emergency situations to travel as a one off without the proper car seat.

You would need to balance the risks of staying and going. But do not let the lack of a car seat be what makes you stay in this awful situation.

Sweetheart you must leave him. He is a proper head fuck.

Good luck to you.

I am so sorry about your baby xxx

Just go :( Take DD as she is, get your Dad to drive straight to somewhere that you can buy a carseat, it needn't be expensive. Can you hire a van and go back this afternoon with your Dad & some friends (leave DD with your Mum) and get lots of the rest of your stuff?

I hope you are all right Tamisara. I hope you are with your parents now. As Chipping says, don't go back to the house on your own or with your daughter to get stuff. You need your family's support and physical presence.

Thinking of you T x

Thank you all for your support. I just want to assure you I am fine.

I did go to my parents, but we can't stay there, as they don't have room (they have a small room, which I'd hoped DD1 & I could stay in, but there isn't room).

Nevertheless, I've talked a great deal, and I'm going to ring a solicitor this week (hopefully they do half-hour free appointments).

I feel a bit ashamed coming back on here, when I'm still at his, but please believe me I do appreciate your concern, and have listened.

I had thought about going to Women's Aid, but I guess I don't in enough danger to justify it. I don't feel in physical danger, just emotional/mental.

I am definitely leaving him. I've told him this, but he doesn't believe it, but I am, and I've finally got my parents on my side (I think as my sister is currently going through a very acrimonious divorce, that they didn't want me to suffer, not realising just how unappy I have been).

My mum said something very wise to me on Saturday. She said (when I was saying that I should say 'this or that' to him, that NO it was no good. By doing/saying such things, I was hoping to change him, and I can't do that. I need to concentrate only on what I need to do, not on how to provoke a desired response from him. Very sensible indeed. She was right. I guess that deep down I was hoping that if I did x, y or z, then he would respond in a certain way, realise what a dick he's been, and 'wake-up'. That was pure fantasy. I think I needed my mum to tell me that, to listen to me, to hear what I was saying, and to tell me that I can't change him.

So that's it. I am fine, I am going to be contacting a solicitor, and I hope that soon I can update with positive news xx

You can go to WA for emotional abuse, if you need to do that to get away then do it.

I am very concerned that he'll use your past to try and gain full residency of your dd and I really think going to WA will be a positive environment for you both - people around you, counsellors on hand, someone to step in if you have an issue with your meds.

You will have protection from him which I think at the moment you may need as you are in such a vulnerable position.

I'm glad your parents are being supportive and your Mum indeed has said something very wise indeed.

Your Mum is a wise person indeed. It's good you've spoken to someone in real life about your H.

Glad you're making steps Tamisara.

Massive hugs to you Tamisara. xx

Do talk to Women's Aid it is not just about finding you a place in a refuge, and they may be able to help with the council etc.