Potential Holiday from Hell

[TherapeuticVino]

Could be long sorry.

I have been married to DH for 15 years and have always had problems with MIL and SIL. SIL has a mild disability which means an operation every 5ish years and day to day issues but she is mentally 100% and works, lives on her own etc. MIL has dedicated her whole life to SIL and woe betide anyone who has a bad word to say about her.

Anyway, MIL sees herself as the head of the household and was very put out when I came along, as was SIL. She dictated where we needed to be every weekend even though we lived in London and they lived an hour away - she would tell us we had accepted invitations to events and were expected there so we couldn't say no - that kind of thing. SIL has always been openly hostile - she used to slam doors in my face but apparently she had behaved like this towards all of DHs gfs so I tried REALLY hard to be friendly and it got a little better. On the rare occasions that we (or other friends or family) have quietly mentioned one of these outbursts MIL has gone MAD and come out fighting - really not nice. Again, there is NO mental disability - she is just used to behaving like this and getting away with it as everyone is too afraid to say anything.

Against my better judgement I agreed to go on holiday with MIL, FIL (who is lovely) and SIL and ours dcs a couple of years ago. Nightmare. SIL was openly rude and abusive, and on one occasion when I mentioned that I had 2 friends who had similar issues to SIL's MIL went MAD that I had dared to "diminish her problems" by saying it was common(!) and went and woke my sons up crying over them and wailing that I would never understand disability.

I have tried REALLY REALLY hard to understand and in 15 years have plastered a smile on my face and NEVER bitten back because I have tried to give them the benefit of the doubt..I DON'T have a disability so maybe I don't know.

Anyway, the problem. This summer FIL is 60 and SIL is 40 and MIL has announced that we're all going away together (with DCs) to stay in a house for a week. I don't know why but after 15 years I've just had enough, I can't do it. It will be another week of being criticised/ignored/whispered about and I just can't bear the thought. I am angry with myself because I feel like I've made a rod for my own back by putting up with this for so long and allowing them to behave like this, but ALL the extended family feel the same (there are endless conversations about how to bring this up) and if anything is said to MIL she will literally cut us off - she threatened to once before.

That might be a blessing except...FIL is lovely. Dh adores him, I adore him and DCs adore him. He would LOVE to spend a week all together and he's not getting any younger... He has always largely ignored MILs behaviour but has said openly recently that he plays golf 5 days a week because he doesn't want to be at home. He also realises that SIL is very difficult but says he tolerates it because he brought her into the world.....

My heart and mind are fighting it out. I want to make FIL happy - he deserves it. SIL will have no celebration for her bday otherwise - she has had friends over the years but has treated them all the way she treats me and at some point and they've moved on. I have suggested that just DH and the kids go but understandably he doesn't want to use a weeks precious holiday apart (he gets very little)

How can I make this work? Or is it just a recipe for disaster?

Thanks for reading.

Don't go. Your FIL will understand why not. Let her cut you off. Maybe you can see FIL on the quiet.
Nothing will change about this situation unless you act. So... act. Or resign yourself to putting up with it for another 20 years. Or more.

Can your dh not say something when his mum and sister kick off? It is his place to.

Oh I feel for you. Is it in an area that you can research first and you,DH and your kids skip off to visit and do things in the day so you get some escape for MIL and SIL hell? Obviously tell DH that he tells his mother each day that you are sloping off ( DH needs to show his gratitude on you going).

Accommodation - can you have a cottage or something away from them?

Can you arrange a few (or all) of the evenings that DH, MIL, SIL and FIL all go out for a meal/ drink and you do the babysitting with a good novel and a glass of wine?

Take ear plugs and wear them all day. And just be happy that they are happy being miserable about you. I know I bring much joy into my parents lives by being a disappointment to them.

Agree with Clam, don't go. If your FIL spends 5 days a week playing golf to get out of the house then he'll understand. Just because you've spent the last 15 years putting up with it doesn't mean that you have to continue to do so.

You have put up with this for a very long time, and can safely say that they won't change. So only you can.

Are you really happy with your dc seeing this behaviour? Seeing you treated like this? Maybe this is why you now feel enough is enough and are reaching the end of the road with putting up with their bonkers behaviour.

For heavens sake don't waste your precious holiday and that of your family being treated like this. You and your lovely family do not deserve it. Could you invite FIL to spend a few days with you. Maybe a golfing break if dh golfs and you and dc meet up with them at end of day?

where is DH in all this? does he just let this all happen?

MIL and SIL sound properly horrific btw, and no i would not go on holiday with them. your FIL also allows his wife and daughter to treat others like shit so he can't be all that lovely really.

but tbh my DH would have torn his family 500 new arseholes over the past 15 years if this is how they treated me. totally unacceptable. how on earth do you stand it at all?

and if she threatens to cut you off, thank her and tell her it's a bloody relief you won't have to see her again!

Pancakeflipper your last paragraph literally made me LOL - oh so true!!!!

Should point out that DH is fab and totally has my back but when he has commented in the past (very gently and carefully) MIL has phoned other relatives crying that he swore and shouted at her down the phone (absolutely NOT true) and that's when she threatened to cut us off and cried to everyone that she'd never see her GCs again (because SHE was cutting US off but it was still my fault)

I'd let dh go on his own with the children just this once as it's a special occasion and then have a lovely week by yourself doing self-indulgent things.

Maybe it's just time you threw your toys out of the pram and decided to be "difficult" too. Pisses me off how some members of the family always get to be the prima donna and no one else gets a look-in. Point out to your dh how he can either upset her or you, but that as he gets to have sex live with you, then he'd better choose carefully.

Just seen your last post. But you say that the rest of the family know what she's like. So who cares if she says things like that?
See, while you care about such things, she's got you over a barrel. Detach.

OP I wouldn't worry about what other people might think. The other relatives are probably aware, maybe have even experienced, your mil and sil's bad behaviour and will take anything your mil says with a huge dollop of salt.

x post and Clam said it better.

What a nightmare, I feel for you.

What's with the 'I'll cut you off" crap? Would that be so bad? FIL sounds a bit spineless. When MIL says she'll cut you all off, what does he say?

Why doesn't anyone stand up to this ranting and raving? When she starts, why can't you or DH just say, calmly, "I'm not going to talk to you when you behave like this, let's speak about it when you can do so calmly," and walk away. Repat ad nauseum. The way you write it sounds like you all just sit there cowering while she screeches away like a harpie!

What a horrendous dynamic, but I can see why it's just gone on and on and on if no one is willing to challenge the woman.

Don't go. Say no now and accept the fall out that will come. Do something nice alone for FIL.

Go, don't put your foot down and let them carry on treating you this way for another 15 or more years until your children are old enough to see and understand it and be held to ransom for an inheritance that MIL will probably arrange for all to be left to SIL anyway.

SIL doesn't get a celebration? Tough shit perhaps if she were nicer to others they would be there to celebrate with her.

I was talk to fil and explain how you feel. It sounds like he will understand. Tell him you just can't handle it any more. Perhaps take him out for a special treat just him and your husband and kids.

I would back off from the rest of them. When they ask just tell them you're fed up with being treated like shit.

I like the idea of being difficult yourself for a change, throw a paddy and treat them like they treat you.

See how they like them apples.

Out of curiosity what is this disability that sil has?

Stop indulging the bullying bitches. Explain to your poor fil that he's stuck with them because you hate their guts and advise him to get a divorce. If possible offer him a place to stay while he get's on his feet.

Tell your mil that she is a nasty horrible person, everybody hates her and you will no longer be enduring the torture of her and her daughters awful company, neither will you be inflicting their vile behaviour on your children.

Let the two bitches unleash their bile on each other. Leave them be. If they ever try to instigate a relationship after that, keep them on edge and with their manners on by meeting up on your territory and immediately shooting down any hint of rudeness, any deviation from their best behaviour should have them shown to the door.

You teach people how to treat you, they can only do this because you put up with it with a fake smile. Take the fake smile off and show them what you really think.

Could you send your DH and DC for the week, and then just join them for a couple days?

In theory, of course you should stand up to them and just not go. The problem is the aggro it will cause -- is it worth it?

The problem with the 'stand up to them' idea is that it presumes that the person will stop acting so awful once you stop going along with it. But people like this fundamentally do not appreciate the consequences of their behaviour, therefore the only thing they will do when you stand up to them is go completely batshit insane and make life even worse.

I totally agree you shouldn't go for the whole week. But if you can manage a couple days, that might keep the peace.

Dreaming. But she's been keeping the peace for 15 years. How much more should she compromise herself?

I have turned a blind eye to being treated like shit by my in laws for almost as long and its made me angry and bitter, all to keep the peace. Its not healthy for me. I actually think its making me ill.

When keeping the peace comes at a price its not worth it.

Thanks all for your replies. I think that this has come to a head in my mind because of a family gathering a few weeks back. Close family only, it was an 80th birthday dinner. SIL went out of her way to totally humiliate me out of the blue for no reason. I was mortified and held it together so as not to let her "cause a scene" at an old lady's party, but howled in the car on the way home. DH was livid, calmed down overnight and called SIL the next day to say that (in best mn style) he wasn't sure whether SIL had realised how rude she had been and how upset I was. I thought she would go CRAZY that DH had called but she said it hadn't been intentional (bullshit) and she was sorry if I was upset. I was so pleased and really felt that this was a step in the right direction, but we then hear that SIL and MIL have been slagging me off left right and centre and have introduced a new phrase when someone's upset about something "Oh don't do a TherapeuticVino on us". Ha ha ha.

It's made me realise that I really can't win - it's not going to get better. The best I can hope for is that they're at least civil to my face and I'd have to ignore the crap going on behind my back, but even that's going to be an uphill fight...

The reason this has gone on so long is that they're clever about it - it's always someone's birthday party, or a dinner, or a wedding - places where I would be mortified if they started screaming and causing a scene, because I would be implicated in that.

Re FIL, DH and I have wondered why he tolerates this but he feels enormous guilt about SILs problems, and MILs behaviour has always been explained as being tied in with being the mother of a disabled child. We think that he had to choose one day, in or out. He chose in. MIL is almost a split personality too, she's "fun fun fun" when she's the centre of attention, but if anything doesn't go her way she changes in a split second. Having said that there's been much less "fun" and much more "bitter and mental" recently....

For whoever asked, SIL's disability is very specific so would out me, but it's an "invisible" disability - you would have no idea if you met her.

Thanks for reading again! DH and I are reading all the replies with interest...

I see that is not an easy situation and agree that the "Stand up to them " route is probably too simplistic (see what happened after that recent dinner ).

But you are wasting your life on this. You only get so many holidays with your kids , why spoil them living in an atmosphere? Going on Holiday and having to wear earphones? Jesus wept... How is that in any way nice for you!!!

And what kind of example is it to let their mother get treated like that do you really want your dc to repeat the cycle and be on Mn 2033 telling a similar story?

I am sorry but you and dh need to grow a pair. I can see no possible benefit and a lot of harm in this holiday. Yes it's sad about your sil disability. But what you describe here isn't a disability- Its bad/nasty behaviour and possibly some kind of personality issue.

Your fil issues are not yours - he can still see you and kids .

So, you're seriously considering spending money going on a holiday that you're going to spend the next few months dreading, and once there will be miserable as you'll be at the mercy of unpleasant digs and bitchy behaviour, to the point at which wearing earplugs and escaping from the house is the only way to make it tolerable?
Are you insane? Not my idea of a holiday. JUST TAKE CONTROL AND SAY NO.