walked out on dh after massive row :(

[Loonybun]

Dh and I had a huge row today. I have been very depressed about things lately. (Have another thread on here somewhere). I'm 31 wks pregnant and to be totally honest not looking forward to this baby at all for all sorts of reasons. I have a dd aged 9 from previous relationship. Dh and I have been married one month (!!) And together a few years.

Basically I made a silly comment about him having a crush on a work colleague (not justified at all, suppose I am just feeling insecure) and its escalated into a huge row where pparently I've accused him of cheating (not true at all) and apparently its me that has a crush on a work colleague (not true either). We talked and I said sorry but said I'm just depressed and he basically said I'm aways moaning about how "fucking tragic" our life is and he's hurt. I went to bed and he sat up shouting and moaning to himself - which to me is not normal behaviour. He slams things and bangs things when he's angry (not violent at all towards me or anyone else though).

This morning its continued and dd (despite being just out of earshot) can hear him shouting away and banging everything. I never argue in front of her but he seems to find it impossible not to! It makes me so angry!!

He took his wedding ring off and kept saying "so that's it then, I'll pack my bags shall I". He says I don't care about how he feels.
I took dd to my mums as she's looking after her today while I work (and overnight tonight) and dd seems fine, I carried on like everything was ok

I didn't say bye to dh and left him at home. I rang in sick to work and sat in the car outside my mums road (not seen from the house, they think I'm at work) and dh rang me 20 times. I didn't answer the phone. I don't want to speak to him. He sent texts saying please let him know if he should go, he loves me and he is sorry etc.

But I'm so angry with his anger!! Its so over the top!! I'm not a slamming doors and shouting type person and its so wearing!! And I am fed up with him eing angry with me for being depressed! I've had it up to here with him going on at me!

I don't want to go home. I've driven to mcdonalds for a coffee and dh keeps texting asking me to come back and talk to him. I just want to run away. I can't cope anymore.

Do you love him?

Are you getting treatment for you depression, it can be very diffcult for a partner to understand depression. It reads like you are feel very insecure and he is feeling picked on / the brunt of your insecrities.

Can you send him a text, saying you need some space and everyone needs to calm down before you can talk things through?

Phone GP / Councilor and make an emergency appointment sounds like you are not coping at the moment, and the AD / counciling needs to be increased.

Contact relate and see if you can both get some counciling, stop drinking coffee and have something to eat with some water / juice,

Whats the bigger problem with the pregancy / relationship?

I am afraid I have no advice but did not want to leave your message unanswered, but I am sure someone will come along soon. In the mean time, ignore the phone as the last thing you want to do is say something you may regret in the long term. Does he normally act like this?

Can you txt him back that you need some time to sort yourself out and will go and talk a bit later?

Depression can be difficult on the partner as well.
Not sure if you are being treated or not, or if you have counselling.

You do need to talk properly when you both calm down. Perhaps go to counselling? Either together or separately?

There is always the possibility that he is (or somewhat) causing your depression. But at the same time, it is wearing. And partners should have support as well as the patients with depression.

You need to tell him that the displays of anger at home are not acceptable, particularly if they last a long time. Better if he goes off for a walk or something.
Those displays are for your benefit, not to let off steam on his part.

I hope you can sort it out.

I do love him when he's not angry. But it only takes a small thing for him to blow up. Whereas yes I may get depressed but I don't get angry in the way he does. Maybe that's healthier I don't even know.

We generally don't have problems in our relationship as such, its more that I don't feel connected or interested in the baby and feel I've lost my identity ( even though baby was much wanted and planned). I am on waiting list for counselling regarding antenatal depression, which is silly as I only have several weeks to go!

I was a single parent for quite a long time before getting with dh and to be honest I find being in a relationship difficut as I feel I can't breathe without having to talk /share / think about everything as a couple. I can't do what I want when I want (ie just go to bed at 9 without him wondering what's wrong or going on at me to talk to him). I feel I have to consult with every aspect of my life, what colours to decorate, how much food budget to have. And I feel stiffled. I'm very independent, selfish even. I'm not sure I need anyone.

I used to live with my mum but got her to move out and signed her share of the house over to my dh (we owned half each) and so for the first time in my life I have a mortgage to pay with dh and I feel totally trapped with everything. I didn't want to live with my mum anymore as she was overbering and controlling. I feel like everyone wants to control me.

I've told dh I need some space for a bit. He keeps asking me to come home. I suppose at some point I'm going to have to. I have no where else to go. And we have little money for me to go to a hotel. And even then I'd have to go home. Dd is away at her dads all next week.

I feel like everyone wants to control me.

That is the crux of the problem. Is it something that you "feel" or are they really?
It is possible that you went from a controlling mother to a controlling husband, but only you can be the judge of that.

If you asked for space, he should respect that.

Did you feel controlled before getting married? Or is it something that has emerged now?

I don't know really. In some ways he's not controlling at all. Not in an abusive sense. I can go where I like, wear what I like, etc etc. Its just things that other people consider "normal" in a marriage I struggle with like having to ask him what he fancies for dinner, considering him when we watch tv - I want to watch what I want to watch all the time- I don't like having to think about anyone else, the responsibility of it all. This is why I am dreading the baby too. With my dd she is so independent now, she and I have fun together but she knows how to entertain herself. She goes to her dads Every other weekend and for half the holidays. I have time by myself. I won't have that with the baby. I am going to be stuck with the baby all the time, and dh and the baby if dh is home. I'm seriously looking at the idea of putting the baby into a nursery full time as soon as possible just so I can go out to work to get some peace, but then I won't have peace I'll just be around more people. I crave being on my own.

I'm just not enjoying anything. I feel like all my life is is meal planning, daytime tv, my part time job and then collapsing into bed at night. I'm bored with life. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. At 31.

The only time I've really been content is when iwas single and drinking far too much and staying up every night till 6am with my ex friends with benefits. That was a few years ago now and its not compatible with providing my dd with a stable upbringing. So I dumped the fwb, he went travelling and I met my now dh. But I just feel like I'm living someone elses life. I don't like where we live but feel I cannot move as dd is settled and has her friends here. And its a nice place to live, but I don't feel settled. I don't feel my house is mine. Even though we've lived here 2 years now.

I just feel like my life has been one massive failure. I was supposed to go to university and get a great job, not be stuck in some crappy part time catering job earning minimum wage for 16 hours watching every penny I spend, trying to keep dh happy and worrying about everyone else. I don't even want to go back to uni, I know there's no guarantees if I did. Its just I feel like I've followed a path that isn't mine to take.

I'm not a whole person. I'm just part of a person. And I feel until the kids are grown up I cannot live anymore. I can only exist.

I've still not gone home. Dh keeps asking me to come home. But I just don't want to talk anymore. He can't make things any better. Everything is broken. I might as well just be on my own with the kids and get on with the bed I've made. That's all I can do isn't it.

This is your earlier thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1426596-just-told-dh-he-can-have-ds-when-he-is-born

Sounds to me like you feel utterly trapped, especially with your pregnancy.

I like to be on my own a lot, having people around me, talking to me etc stresses me out.

I also felt a massive failure for not going to University, although I'm slightly younger than you (29), I'm just finishing my 2nd year at Uni and can honestly say it's been a release of a massive amount of pressure and tension that I put upon myself.

You situation is totally different, but maybe you need to think of going University after your baby is here, depending on you situation.. maybe it's something you need to do?

You need to somehow establish who you are.. and that won't be the drinking buddies times either, those are just fond memories viewed with rose tinted spectacles. You need to find the adult you. Sounds like you are torn between carefree and being mum.. there must be a middle ground?

xx

Loonybun you don't sound at all unhinged to me. You sound like so many women who feel like they have been sold a lie. It's as if we're told from the time we are children playing with little dolls that marriage and children will provide this huge sense of fulfilment and make us completely happy.

For some women they do; for others it doesn't. Neither is better than the other but for those who find that marriage/children doesn't provide that deep sense of fulfilment, it's an awful shock. But stop feeling bad about it, please. It doesn't mean you are less of a mother or wife. There is nothing wrong in wanting more from life than the role of wife or mother, just as there is nothing wrong in being content with those roles alone.

It sounds to me that once you've given birth and feel ready, you need to concentrate on what you want for a while. Just because you're the mum does not mean your DH gets to continue his work/social life uninterrupted while you sacrifice yours. He can stay at home with the baby while you go out and have fun or study/retrain or take up a hobby. I think you desperately need this and it may help a lot to ease your depression.

I think your DH could also benefit from having someone to talk to so he doesn't take the manifestation of your depression so personally. It's hard to live with sometimes and I'm sure he's taking your depression as a statement that he isn't enough. Well truth is, he isn't, but he shouldn't be upset by that because one person is rarely enough for another to feel their whole life has meaning. It's no reflection on him. If he won't talk to anyone about it, perhaps joining an online forum for partners of those with depression might help.

Hope you feel better soon.

OK, I might be totally wrong here...

But it sounds to me like you are throwing away a relationship because you are unhappy in yourself. Your DH hasn't done much wrong (OK, shouting is not nice, but you could ask him to work on that). The problem - sorry for saying this - seems to lie with you. You are not happy about taking him into account when deciding what to have for dinner? Or discussing food budgets and decorating preferences? This is what happens when you share your life with someone, you must have known that.

And not to answer his phone calls when he's distraught and wants you back - really not fair on him.

Sounds to me like you do need counselling, and not just for antenatal depression (you say you have felt like this for a long time).

i think you are depressed, and having a mid life crisis.

Your sharing view of things with your partner is skewed completely, it's like you are punishing him for being with you.

Sorry but the selfish side will push him away in a minute. You need to address your depression.

I understand how you feel, particularly regarding being stuck at home.

Not sure about the aspect of considering others, etc.

It seems to me that you have to define what you want to do in life and go for it, be it going to uni, start a business, or whatever.

On the other hand, I worry about the not wanting responsibilities and living a "free life".
Maybe nothing can be done about it and you need that free life, but then you are at risk of making a few people miserable.

I hope counselling can help, when you get it.

I suggest you try this in the meantime. moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash
It's free, although you have to register.

Oh Loony I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

For what its worth, I think I understand what you are saying about not living the life you want or that makes you happy. I also feel that way sometimes (though not on the same scale).

I think that you do need a bit of time to yourself today. At the moment it sounds like everything is just too much for you to deal with (leaving you unable to deal with any of it).

First things -your DH should not be shouting and banging things around. However, I suspect he also feels under a great deal of pressure and he is not dealing with it either. I recommend that you text him regularly to reassure him that you are OK, and that you will be home later when you have had a think.

In terms of your job - will you be taking time off when you have the baby? It could be a good time, once things have settled down after the birth, to explore your options for getting a different job. If you cannot afford to take much time off - maybe your DH can help with investigating options? It would probably help him to feel useful/like he is helping, and would mean that you have someone else to shoulder the burden.

If full time nursery is affordable and you think it would help - do so. Also, do you have any hobbies/things you would like to try? Having something specific to aim for might help you feel more purposeful.

Finally, in terms of things like TV programmes and having to think about your DH - these things take practice if you have been alone/totally independent for a long time. My PILs have separate TVs in separate rooms for this reason. And it is normal to want some time alone - I sometimes have to tell DH that I want alone time and he will go and polish shoes/play on the computer to give me space.

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

I've just hit rock bottom today. I know I'm not being very nice to dh but I'm just so sick of feeling responsible for everyone elses happiness.

I know I'm being selfish. And immature on some levels too.

Maybe I do need my own space more. But dh is the type of person who doesn't get "space". He sees it as a rejected, a sign that I don't want him. When sometimes I just need my own space, perhaps more than most.

I'm going to have to go home and talk to him. I'm dreading it. He keeps texting me saying I'm his best friend and his soulmate. I do feel really awful but I still feel angry with him for being so angry with me.

I also feel angry that we're worried about money and here we are having both lost wages due to pulling sickies, how fucking stupid.

Maybe I am just more honest than some people. In some ways I don't feel depressed I just feel fed up with being me. Maybe I do need to rethink my work etc. I feel life is on hold till the baby arrives. And then I can think I guess. I just wish dh would stop going on at me.

I've told him maybe he needs counselling.

I know I'm horrible to be around.

I'm so sorry. I relate to a lot of what you say, I also have a very controlling mother and have been really independent my whole life. I could have written your OP when I was living with my ex (without the DC part). There were times when it felt oppressive to hear him breathing, it's crazy.

I think a lot of what you are feeling can be blamed on your depression. It may not be the only reason, perhaps even without the depression you would not be happy or satisfied with your life, but at least in that case you would feel able to come up with ways to make things better.

I say this because my DH is the first person I've been able to happily live with, and he's also the first serious relationship I've had since overcoming many years of depression. Also, I notice that when I go through spells of feeling low, suddenly I revert to those feelings of not wanting to have to think about him or wanting to run away and stay up all night drinking and having fun. But as soon as I'm feeling better, those feelings subside -- I think because I'm able to see that I do have a nice life and family to make me happy.

I think you should go home and talk to your DH, and then you should call your GP or midwife and find out how to get some counseling ASAP. I think you really need some support in place before the baby comes.

x-post

I think you both would feel better with some counselling.

He really needs to understand that you need space. That right there would probably improve things a lot.

Loony, I think that the AND is clouding your judgement and is making yoiu see things darker than they really are.

But I also think that you have an issue in that the way your DH wants to live isn't what you want. You would like quite a bit of independance, he sees life as a couple as being an unit all the time.
To be able to sustain your relationship, you will need both to reassess what is OK for you and what is a deal braker.

Your DH is wo a doubt feeling very hurt but this doesn't mean he can act like he is either. Nor does it mean that he can take anything and everything so personnally.

The idea of having counselling for both of you and/or couple counselling sounds a good idea. You do need to be clearer on what you expect from the relationship to be able to move forward.

Having said that, don't do anything until the baby is born. AND normally lifts up as soon as the baby is born and you might see things very differently then.

Have you been able to give some info about AND to your DH too?

i've been thinking about you Loony

i'm sorry you're feeling like this

Thank you everyone, sorry I wasn't able to come back and reply earlier. And oik, thank you for the reply on my other thread as well - I keep thinking about what you said about meeting you in the streeet and not knowing your history and making a judgement just like others are of me and I of them (if that makes sense) makes me think maybe a lot of my thought patterns are all sqewed up...

(I'm writing this on my phone so apologies for spellings etc - only a tiny screen!)

I've been thinking about the replies. Maybe it is just that I am going through this blackness and finding it very hard to relate to my family (dh and dd and my mum) at the moment. I feel like I don't have anything to give in terms of chit chat etc as eveything seems to insignificant. But I realise at the same time that that's me being very selfish and unfair really as of course these things are important to them.

I think I found things easier being on my own as I didn't have the constant surrounding of being with someone, if I wanted to have a bit of a mental breakdown and cry my eyes out when dd was in bed then I could and I dint have the pressure of someone else being worried about me or me feeling guilty for upsetting them. Ironically one of the reasons my ex h left (despite being a twat in general and going back to his ex!) Was because he said he felt he couldn't make me happy, that he hated seeing me so down sometimes. So I do accept this isn't something "new". Its like the whole baby thing has just shoved the final nail in the coffin. Strangely I do seem to feel better after having a massive emotional blow out, although now I do it driving around in my car on my own crying to sad cd'd and sad fm rather than sitting on my sofa drinking too much wine and getting myself into a state.

When I Went back home after the row I found that dh had punched a couple of things in the house - nothing serious, an easter egg and mug I brought for him with dd that was destroyed. A box of my favourite chocolates. I know he did it as he was angry with me. Fair enough. The kitchen drawer doesn't shut properly now where he's slammed it. I know he feels bad enough, he spent the day trying to fix it.

We talked and I ended up giving him a cuddle and telling him I love him and I didn't mean to upset him so much, he said he was sorry too and he feels like he ruins everything by overreating to comments - I think its a bit of both of us. He then got a bit stressed with me because I was upset and angry and he kept saying he doesn't understand why I'm this upset about everything. To him out lives are fine. He then ended up in flood of tears and I can't cope with the guilt of feeling I've upset him so I pulled myself together and we did some decorating together. I felt totally claustrophobic for the rest of the day as I just craved my own space but he was obviously petrified I was going to leave him (kept asking if I was going to and I said no) so he wouldn't leave my side.

I kept thinking all I have to do is get through today and then he's back at work but he decided it would be nice for us tohave another day together so he booked the next day off work as holiday! I was so fed up. And yet I feel bad as I know he's trying to be nice. So we had all day together yesterday too. I ended up having sex with him in the morning as it basically buys me some more time in terms of him worrying about "us" as he thinks as long as we're having sex everything is ok.

So today he's gone to work as he thinks I'm fine now. Ironically I have to make him think everything is fine to "buy" me time to sit and collapse when he's at work. Otherwise he won't go to work as he's worried about me.

I'm seeing my mum today. She keeps sending me texts asking why I think she's a horrible mother and why I made her move out and live on her own. I could write a whole different thread about my mum but essentially I lived with her all my life until recently but just had enough of her manic moods, drinking too much and swearing at me at 3am and then saying she couldn't remember. I have very high standards of cleaning and she has none and 3 dogs that bark constantly. I've never said she's a horrible mother, I tell her she's a good one but just that I can't live with her. She takes this as a total rejection. We used to be quite close and I'm trying to make amends to her. I've offered to take her out today. She won't come to our house as she feels so hurt about everything. Everyone in my life is fucking mental.

I didn't sleep well yesterday. I had braxtons all day and felt awful and then I had acid indigestion at night and had to sleep sort of sirting up. Dh was worried about me and kept asking me what he could do when I just wanted to sleep!! For fucks sake.

We went shopping yesterday and we saw my old fwb in the supermarket. Of course we didn't talk to him, dh doesn't know him except from a photo but dh spotted him and said isn't that so and so, so I turned round to see and fwb looked right at me. Cringe. Dh found it funny, he thinks ex fwb is horrible looking and teased me about it all the way home - trying to be funny. I laughed along. What fun.

So we'll see how today goes. I'm going to try and get to the gp on monday. Ultimately though I do think there isn't any cure as everything just feels wrong. But who knows.

Thank you for putting up with me and my ramblings.

"and he basically said I'm aways moaning about how "fucking tragic" our life is"

are you? because that can be just as wearing to him as his anger is to you

you both need to talk. then probably talk some more

Thanks. I don't think I am. Clearly I am having a bit of a breakdown at the moment about all sorts of things so I acknowledge that I am difficult to be around. But I do try very hard not to bang on about things and to make sure our family life is a good one. I'm running the house, meal planning, doing all the housework (- don't resent doing this, I enjoy it, and see it as my job as he works full time and I only work very few hours). I try to be positivefor dh. But at times my feelings do hit rock bottom. Part of the problem is that dh then gets angry and says well I've been faking all the time haven't I, all the time I am supposedly "happy" is a lie and the depressed me is the "real me". And in some ways he's right. But I'm aware how draining it is and I can't keep talking to him about everything all the time as he expects me to talk and then feel better or the issues to be less and they're not. Its the same. (Feelings about the baby, money worries, general fed upness). But I do know it must be wearing for him. But trying to keep him "happy" is just as claustrophobic for me. I'm waffling now. Sorry.

There is a possibility that your H is the worst sort of man you could have picked eg someone with rejection issues and a tendency to be smothering. When you don't display enough 'love' he has a toddlerish tantrum and breaks your things? I'd bin a man like that in seconds TBH. But then I absolutely can't stand clingy whiny people. It may be that your H is not so bad and that he is finding it difficult to live with your depression: the best way forward is probably for both of you to have some counselling, separately and together. He needs to learn to give you more space by the sound of it.

He sounds controlling.

Sorry, but what he's saying is abusive anger - ready to go off at the least little thing.

It's quite possible that you've swapped a controlling parent for a controlling husband. It happens all the time.

And you do everything at home, even though you work part time? Well that's bollocks too.

"dh had punched a couple of things in the house - nothing serious, an easter egg and mug I brought for him with dd that was destroyed. A box of my favourite chocolates. I know he did it as he was angry with me. Fair enough. The kitchen drawer doesn't shut properly now where he's slammed it."

Not fair enough spiteful and aggressive.

The way you've described him makes him sound exactly like your mother. Maybe you would be better off on your own. There's no shame in it.

Hi

I think you need to see ur gp ASAP, you have obviously struggled with your depression with many years as you said you used to break down when ur dd was in bed. Nothing will change until you seek some help. Maybe just talking to someone will help but you do need to tell the full story and don't lie about your emotions. Yes you are pregnant and your hormones are all over the place but you have felt like this for many years!!

When I got married I felt so many things were going to change and everything would be perfect. How wrong was I?? We have been married for nearly 3 years and we do have times when we hate each other but we have to compromise on the things we want from each other. I have come to accept he isn't a domestic god and my life is so much easier not expecting it from him. I am also pregnant and although it was planned it was more wanted on my husbands part. I now wouldn't have things any other way! I also have a 4 yr old son and I have accepted this is my life. Yes it's getting up taking him to nursery cooking dinner washing cleaning up ironing and generally being wife and mother but I get a break at work ... I think coming to terms with this and accepting it will help you a lot. Please just see a specialist who WILL be able to help.

Don't sit and cry on your own talk to your husband. He loves you and your lucky to have someone that cares that much :)

Best of luck