walked out on dh after massive row :(

[Loonybun]

Dh and I had a huge row today. I have been very depressed about things lately. (Have another thread on here somewhere). I'm 31 wks pregnant and to be totally honest not looking forward to this baby at all for all sorts of reasons. I have a dd aged 9 from previous relationship. Dh and I have been married one month (!!) And together a few years.

Basically I made a silly comment about him having a crush on a work colleague (not justified at all, suppose I am just feeling insecure) and its escalated into a huge row where pparently I've accused him of cheating (not true at all) and apparently its me that has a crush on a work colleague (not true either). We talked and I said sorry but said I'm just depressed and he basically said I'm aways moaning about how "fucking tragic" our life is and he's hurt. I went to bed and he sat up shouting and moaning to himself - which to me is not normal behaviour. He slams things and bangs things when he's angry (not violent at all towards me or anyone else though).

This morning its continued and dd (despite being just out of earshot) can hear him shouting away and banging everything. I never argue in front of her but he seems to find it impossible not to! It makes me so angry!!

He took his wedding ring off and kept saying "so that's it then, I'll pack my bags shall I". He says I don't care about how he feels.
I took dd to my mums as she's looking after her today while I work (and overnight tonight) and dd seems fine, I carried on like everything was ok

I didn't say bye to dh and left him at home. I rang in sick to work and sat in the car outside my mums road (not seen from the house, they think I'm at work) and dh rang me 20 times. I didn't answer the phone. I don't want to speak to him. He sent texts saying please let him know if he should go, he loves me and he is sorry etc.

But I'm so angry with his anger!! Its so over the top!! I'm not a slamming doors and shouting type person and its so wearing!! And I am fed up with him eing angry with me for being depressed! I've had it up to here with him going on at me!

I don't want to go home. I've driven to mcdonalds for a coffee and dh keeps texting asking me to come back and talk to him. I just want to run away. I can't cope anymore.

Sorry posted too quick.

Basically he says that I'm not communicating with him properly and he's scared we're going to end up like his mum and dad (been together 25 years but sleep separately, friends not partners) and he doesn't want that. I say to him just because I don't want sex or intimacy for a day or so doesn't mean I'm going off him.

I keep saying to him that I'm sorry but I'm heavily pregnant and tired but I do love him and I'm sure this miserable mess that I'm in will get better. He keeps getting very upset (floods of tears, anxiety attacks etc) and saying he thinks I want to leave him and that everything is ruined etc.

I feel like I'm going round in circles. I'm not sure how much of it is me and how much of it is him. He says he's finding it hard because I'm his best friend and he feels like he's lost me, that I don't want to chat or cuddle in the evenings, that I'm not affectionate towads him. Truth is that's probably true. But after having the baby poke me about all day the last thing I want is to cuddle up on the sofa with dh all over me too. I don't want to talk about whatever news story / tv programme / film thing or game thing because I'm not interested in it. Maybe I've just given up trying I don't know. I just feel like until the baby arrives I'm just existing and will re evaluate life then. However dh "needs" reaSsurance now and I just feel so angry that he won't let me be.

We spent all day yesterday arguing. Mainly because I wasn't "chatty" and he thinks I want to leave him. We did some painting together. Then I suggested we go to the cinema, which we did and he spent the whole way there crying in the car saying he doesn't understand, is upset etc, why don't I care about him, I got angry and said of course I do!! We argued for another hour in the car park when we got there. I said I can't cope with the constant emotional stress. I said we deal with things differently. He sees arguing as productive and I see oit as destructive. He says he doesn't want me to change my feelings towards him.

Then we saw the film. He nearly had a full blown panic attack in the cinema. I comforted him and we managed to enjoy 2 hours of peace from the arguing. We even went to mcdonalds afterwards and that was ok. But when we got home he started his usual thing of trying to be all over me (not sex, cuddling) on the sofa and I don't want to cuddle!! Is that horrible of me? I just want my own space!

He then went to the toilet and got very upset again and came out in tears saying he hates himself and how he knows he causes all the arguements and hees not a good husband and he's a terrible person. I said of course he's not and that I love him.

This carried on till 2 fucking am. At 6.30am he got up to go to work and despite me not needing to get up (so bearing in mind I said to him I'm tired and need my rest at the moment) he then basically woke me up trying to be all affectionate, cuddling me etc and waking me up!!!! I was so angry! I didn't tell him I was angry but I just said I wanted to sleep. Cue him bursting into tears again and saying "sorry, sorry" over and over and saying he didn't meanto wake me - well don't paw me then!! For fucks sake!

I know he's upset and feeeling insecure but why should I wake up just because he's going to work??! So I was annoyed and wide awake so I'm up, when I could have slept for a few more hours! He was in tears and saying he didn't mean to make me annoyed and I said I'm not angry hjust wanted to sleep!!

So he went to work in tears. I feel like the worlds worst person but now I'm not even sure if its me or whether he's just going through his own sort of insecurity break down. I really don't know.

He keeps saying he'lld do whatever I want to do, and kept saying he won't come back too early after work to give me some space but I said to him I don't want space I just want to get on with life and not keep analysing everything and him keep saying he thinks I'm going to leave him!! I've told him I'm not.

Is this beyond saving? The stress is killing me. Truth is though that I actually don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to be touched or cuddled. If I never had sex again I wouldn't be bothered (again that's nothing new for me but I do try and make an effort for partners as I know its not normal to be totally unbothered in long term relationships - I'm ok in short term ones and at the beginning).

At the same time I don't want to leave dh, I want us to be a family together, he's good with dd and will be a good dad to ds, I need his support with the babyootherwise I won't cope. And I don't want to take the baby away from dd by dh leaving and doing most of the care for ds. I just want to have a break for 8 weeks and come back to it all then when I've had the baby but I can't do that.

I know that if I just perk myself up and put on a smile and make random chat with dh and give him a hug / have sex then everything will be ok again but I don't feel like it and I can't make myself feel like it. Just feeling like screaming in frustration right now.

Sorry everything is so long. I do appreciate all the repies and being able to talk about things. Its helpful to get some feedback and work through things, thank you.

Wow, your DH sounds utterly exhausting! I'm not surprised you want some space from him.

Has he always been like this: constantly jumping from one emotional drama to another? Is he one of these people who feles that if you're not in a constant cycle of fighting and then crying and then passionately making up, etc, then it's not really love? Or is this state of heightened emotions he's displaying a relatively new thing?

Has he seen a GP?

It seems that he may have some form of depression or anxiety issues.

I second going to the GP. He does need to address his issues, because I couldn't live with someone like that either and I suspect most women wouldn't either.

You may want some counselling yourself because he seems as needy as your mum.

Thanks.. Its reassuring to hear that its not me just being horrible thinking he's exhausting .. He's been to see the gp before (he had 6 months off from work with depression last year when he felt he was being victimised at work, I'm not entirely sure whether he was or not, of course I was supportive byt some of the things he said they did I could see he was perhaps being over senitive esp knowing what he's like with me). The gp gave him some anti depressants and referred him for counselling but he said the anti des made him feel sick and he has a massive phobia of being sick (and he has ibs - its all go here!) He went back and they changed the tablets three times but they all did the same thing so he stopped taking them. And he won't go to counselling as he says they can't tell him what he doesn't already know! So I'm stuck aren't I.

I do think that if things aren't all drama and trauma then he seems to get panic-y and thinks we aren't as "in love". For him getting angry, argung, making up etc seems reassuring to him. Whereas I like to plod along. I'm wondering if this makes us too different. We used to have fun and laugh a lot and we haven't laughed in however long I can remember. Everything is just tears and tantrums.

I did say to him yesterday that I think we are both mentally ill in our own ways and he didn't disagree with me. I suppose its just working out how much of that is us fuelling each other. I'm not sure.

We seem to have very different ways of dealing with things. Not least of all I think this is to do with the fact he is one of four children all close in age so he's always been around noise and shouting and chatting and arguing an d I'm an only child, with an older mum who was ill for a lot of my childhood so I learnt to be on my own.

You are not alone, Loonybun, I certainly couldn't deal with so much drama and emotion in a relationship.

I do wonder though if you are repeating a pattern here. Presumably, if your mother has bipolar disorder, than she has (or had) similar extremes of emotions. Was your exh similar? Are you subconsicoulsy repeating a situation you grew up with? Possibly I'm barking up the worng tree here, but it's worth thinking about.

So he hasn't been to counselling at all?

These days is not about telling. At least my ex was given something called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
It's about working on ourselves, identifying the issues, yes, but doing something about them too.
That's the hard part.

It's all very well if he "knows" what's "wrong" with him, but is he willing to work at it?

He could try this online tool and see if he finds it worth it.
moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

However, he may need a strong push from you, because he seems not to be bothered too much.

I feel sorry for you husband. He is feeling insecure because you keep pushing him away. Rejection feels horrible and just makes people seek reassurance even more.

A lot of the posters are making him out to be a monster when he clearly has very strong feelings and is obviously gutted you may leave him.

Bloody Nora he sounds exhausting beyond belief - you've done very well to cope with him and your mum and be pregnant as well. I couldn't stand that level of hassle every day even if I was well so it must be a total nightmare if you are struggling to deal with your own issues as well. It is not 'normal' for your DH to keep crying and digging at you for attention, that is very manipulative in its own way and it needs to stop. If he can't cope with you needing space then he either needs to get some sort of counselling so he can deal with his own insecurities or you need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life pandering to what is effectively a third child with the manipulative skills of an adult.

As for your mum, I just want to reassure you again, you have done your best and it isn't your responsibility to make her a life and take care of her forever, she is an adult and needs to take care of herself financially, physically and emotionally. This won't happen if you are forever providing her with a safety net and I think you did exactly the right thing in getting her to live elsewhere and have a separate life from you. I would be straight with her and say that if she can't get over her (unjustified) anger towards you then you will inevitably be spending less and less time with her in future, it's in her own hands.

You are clearly an intelligent and strong person (you have analysed your situation well even through the fog of depression) and many other people would have gone under ages ago with the amount of stress you have had foisted on you. I think you need some peace and, for what it's worth, I think you will cope with the baby. Try and believe in yourself, you've done well.

DENMAN03,
it's not normal a normal reaction, I don't think, even if the OP is pushing him away.

Are you the OP's husband?

See this bit is the most telling for me:

"Basically he says that I'm not communicating with him properly and he's scared we're going to end up like his mum and dad (been together 25 years but sleep separately, friends not partners) and he doesn't want that."

It seems like he is afraid of repeating his parent's loveless marriage and is over-compensating by trying to make everything uber-dramatic and emotional and demanding repeated demonstrations of OP's love.

he clearly has very strong feelings

Yes ... about his insecurity, his issues, his fragile ego and need for reassurance. He seems to be looking for OP to mother him, rescue him, make him feel better and to be available like a fuckable teddy bear whenever he wants.

How much of his strong feelings have gone into working to please his partner, make her happy, address his insecurities so she doesn't have to carry the load?

OK, we're only reading one side of the story here but I wouldn't be too impressed with a poster who said she's always crying & whining at her DP, whilst refusing treatment for depression and moaning that he didn't pander to her every whim.

Loonybun, I think you took on the role of parent to your own mother, then automatically found yourself a partner who also wanted you to parent him. You are valuable without having to be "needed" (except by DC, of course). You deserve equal respect, consideration and happiness.

Thank you for your insights. I'm feeling a lot stronger having read that most of you can see how draining things are for me. Instead of digging myself a hole I'm trying to dig myself out of it. You're right, he may well be pushing and pushing to seek reasurance we won't end up like his mum and dad. I do feel that my energy levels are lower at themoment (heavily preggo etc) so I am aware that I'm not "giving" as much as I normally would. My frustration lies in telling him this only for him to then say basically that I don't love him the same and I want to leave him. I don't know if its a man / woman thing but for example I see doing things for us as a family as signs of love - for example, decorating so we can have a nice home, making plans about how we want the babys room (which is hard for me given my feelings but I'm trying) but he says that's not love, that's just stuff. Love to him is intimacy and cuddles etc.

I doubt very much DEN is my dh. Dh is at work today and doesn't even know mumsnet exists, yet alone has access to the net at work. But thank you for your input, I do realise he must be feeling insecure. I'm trying to reassure him bu whatever I say its not enough. It is exhausting.

I've been trying to recoup some of my strength today. I went shopping, I finished decorating the main room. I texted my mum to see if she wanted to do anything for her birthday tomorrow - I am trying to give her a wide berth but birthdays are different. I said ina very chatty text did she want to go for lunch or have a take away at hers or ours and she sent back basically that she would text me later (no thanks sounds nice or anything but that's my mum for you). So we'll see.

Its been really helpful to have feedback from you all about dh's behaviour. I am very much feeling now that he's unwell and really does need some counselling.

I suppose I am just so sad that everything has come to this. I feel like I don't know him anymore. Its like he and I are different people.

I think counselling for both of you (and perhaps as a couple as well) would be a good start to trying to unravel your difficulties and figure out if you have a future together.

In the meantime, I would think about working on your personal boundaries. Letting your DH pressure you into pretending to be happy and faking affection might appease his insecurities in the short term, but in the longer term it's going to make things worse, as you'll feel miserable that you're living a lie and your DH will slowly lose trust in you if he figures out that it's all just an act.

Nope definately not the OP's other half. Very much female.

Some people use their 'vulnerability' as a weapon, just because a person claims to be suffering from hurt feelings doesn't stop that person being a selfish, abusive PITA. So he's whining and crying and poor-ickle-me-ing, but he's also smashing up your belongings and repeatedly waking you up to whine and cry some more, when you are heavily pregnant and exhausted. I do think you would feel better if you chucked him out at least for a while. Get some headspace and some peace and quiet without having to deal with his raging ego and his ever-demanding cock for a bit.

Thank you. I can see what you're saying about the weapon idea. I do think he has got into a bit of a habit of using his insecurity to drag me into a cycle of constant reassurance.

And as for the personal boundaries idea, this is very true. I'm trying hard not to be dragged into a constant stream of fakery, which in some ways is what I feel is what has taken us to this point as I feel I have had no time just to be "me". Whoever that me is.

We now appear to have reached a stalemate. He's not confronting me anymore. He seems sad and broken by everything and last night we just sat and watched tv mostly in silence. Its like we don't know how to talk to each other anymore now after everything recently. I made dinner. We ate. We sat together, he tried to cuddle up to me and kiss me but I wasn't really in the mood and I didn't want him to think sex might be on the menu so after a bit I said I was going to bed. He came up with me, I gave him a quick kiss goodnight and that was that. He didn't wake me up this morning before he went to work. So I had my lie in today. Its progress in some ways but I feel like its the calm before the storm as I can tell he's unhappy.

I really feel very disconnected from him. I have the usual how was work today conversation and feel I have nothing more to talk about, but this isn't just to him its anyone. I don't even know how to begin communuication again. I'm scared its all just going to blow up into a row again.

Oh my god, you poor woman. And you very strong woman, to be dealing with so much.

What I see is that you were raised by an unstable and out-of-control mother, and are now in a couple with a similar man. You are used to feeding the needs of insecure people: you were raised to do it.

I think all the "selfishness" you describe in this thread about wanting your own space and you own way is a reaction to living with people who don't respect your boundaries; who make it all about them.

But really, you don't have to take part in their fantasy world anymore, the one in which you are "supposed" to do this and that for them. You can stop. Let go the load: you are not responsible for either your mother or your partner.