walked out on dh after massive row :(

[Loonybun]

Dh and I had a huge row today. I have been very depressed about things lately. (Have another thread on here somewhere). I'm 31 wks pregnant and to be totally honest not looking forward to this baby at all for all sorts of reasons. I have a dd aged 9 from previous relationship. Dh and I have been married one month (!!) And together a few years.

Basically I made a silly comment about him having a crush on a work colleague (not justified at all, suppose I am just feeling insecure) and its escalated into a huge row where pparently I've accused him of cheating (not true at all) and apparently its me that has a crush on a work colleague (not true either). We talked and I said sorry but said I'm just depressed and he basically said I'm aways moaning about how "fucking tragic" our life is and he's hurt. I went to bed and he sat up shouting and moaning to himself - which to me is not normal behaviour. He slams things and bangs things when he's angry (not violent at all towards me or anyone else though).

This morning its continued and dd (despite being just out of earshot) can hear him shouting away and banging everything. I never argue in front of her but he seems to find it impossible not to! It makes me so angry!!

He took his wedding ring off and kept saying "so that's it then, I'll pack my bags shall I". He says I don't care about how he feels.
I took dd to my mums as she's looking after her today while I work (and overnight tonight) and dd seems fine, I carried on like everything was ok

I didn't say bye to dh and left him at home. I rang in sick to work and sat in the car outside my mums road (not seen from the house, they think I'm at work) and dh rang me 20 times. I didn't answer the phone. I don't want to speak to him. He sent texts saying please let him know if he should go, he loves me and he is sorry etc.

But I'm so angry with his anger!! Its so over the top!! I'm not a slamming doors and shouting type person and its so wearing!! And I am fed up with him eing angry with me for being depressed! I've had it up to here with him going on at me!

I don't want to go home. I've driven to mcdonalds for a coffee and dh keeps texting asking me to come back and talk to him. I just want to run away. I can't cope anymore.

He's not displaying love.

No, he's displaying frustration. He wants to make things better and can't, and now it has all become too much for him as well. He is human.

I don't see frustration, I see a man who wants things is own way and is bullying the OP into thinking that the problems are her fault.

Like her mother in fact.

I'm not sure what the situation is here to be honest - whether you are just a nightmare to live with and are slowly driving your DH round the twist or whether your DH is a whingy, clingy pain - but you clearly need a lot of help. I do know that I couldn't live with a partner who felt the way you do and was so utterly bound up in their own problems and needs (not that this is your fault at all, you are ill).

If I'm honest, I think you are too ill with depression to give anything to a relationship and if you weren't pregnant I think I would advise you to break off your relationship and concentrate on getting yourself well. Getting pregnant when you felt like this was a very bad idea but it is done now so you need to get help to help you deal with it as it's not going to go away and you are going to have a lot less help once the baby is born if you aren't living with DH which is going to put even more pressure on you. Drinking all night and having sex with FWB is ok when you are young and have no responsibilities but it's not a good idea when you have young children and it's a bit of an empty kind of life - it sounds like you were 'escaping' which is behaviour associated with depressive episodes.

You need to deal with your depression and then look at your life without looking through that prism so you can decide if what you have is what you want. If I didn't know you had depression I would say, from reading your posts, that you are very selfish and self-absorbed and you need to grow the fuck up but my guess is that you are just really poorly and need proper support and care to help you get better and my heart goes out to you as it must be so hard.

As for your mum just stop trying to please her full stop. She needs to give you space and find her own life, if she isn't going to support you then she needs to back off, at the moment you are ill and that trumps rejected feelings and general woe-is-me.

He's not just smashing up random objects, he's destroying things that he know will hurt the OP. That's classic controlling abusive behaviour.

Remember how this started, she made a silly comment that he escalated into a massive row:

"I made a silly comment about him having a crush on a work colleague (not justified at all, suppose I am just feeling insecure) and its escalated into a huge row where pparently I've accused him of cheating (not true at all) and apparently its me that has a crush on a work colleague (not true either)"

That hasn't got to do with one person's depression or another person's depression, that's someone acting like an arse, because he can.

Nyac is right.

I'd leave your DD must be so frightened.

Loony, I don't know if your H is finding it difficult to cope with your depression or if indeed he's a cause of it, but he is obviously suffocating you emotionally and needs to give you more space. That much is clear.

Putting you in a position where you feel you have to be happy all the time to avoid upsetting him is not normal and is very unhealthy for both of you. You are allowed to be upset/unhappy about things periodically. It is part of the human condition. It's natural to worry about those we love and to be affected by their moods, but this clearly goes deeper than that. Your depression may well be a result of trying to bottle this up for far too long because you're trying to avoid upsetting him. That's not good.

I know from your other threads that you've struggled with depression in the past, although you sound very capable about managing it in general, but I really think your H needs to get some counselling too. This setting his happiness as a direct result of your state of mind is very very bad for him (and you). While he's doing this, it may well be an idea for you to stay somewhere else to give you both some space. He won't like it but I think you both need it. That doesn't mean you are giving up on your marriage or anything. TBH if you don't get some head space, you might lose your marriage anyway.

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time and hope you feel better soon.

All men are scum, why do you bother even trying with them? Use a sperm bank next time.

Hi,

A few things I thought of about you...are you an introvert? Extroverts get their energy and rejuvenate off of other people, introverts (like me) need space, silence and being on there own to rejuvenate. When you have a family it is v difficult to get peace (especially when pregnant). I know this may not sound significant at the moment, but have a think about it. I always want to run away. I have recently learnt that I am introverted and what I really need is peace.

Your mother sounds awful. She is manipulative, angry and horrible (snap). Can you just totally reduce contact till the baby is 3 months and you are recovered. It is not your job to support her at the moment. Whatever has happened she is still the parent (not a v good one).

I know this is not important now either, but have you considered the Open University. If you are on a low wage you would get your fees paid for and you could start studying when the baby is a few months old. You could train to be a nurse, teacher, health visitor. YOU can be whatever you what to be. You are clearly v capable (single parent) and might love the chance at a new career.

In the short term you need to focus on the end of the pregnancy and the early few weeks. The end of a pregnancy is ALWAYS tough. You need to be incredibly selfish and think short term. When your husband is receptive explain to him what you need him to do practically (wash up every evening, iron every sunday etc) and emotionally (when I go for a walk every evening, leave me alone when I get in). Treat him like a child and explain clearly.

xxx

There's nothing wrong with being single.

Even if this guy isn't controlling, which from the sound of it he is, the OP describes her single life as being much happier.

I agree with Kar. Having been on both sides of depression. Having it myself and being with dh when he was going through something similar I can tell you that loving someone with depression is in some ways harder than having it yourself.

I know that is a big statement but when you have it yourself there are things you can do to try to get better. When you love someone with depression you have no control whatsoever. You can feel like its your fault because you aren't making that person happy. It is soul destroying.

I can see where he gets his anger from but banging stuff around is not helpful.

Please see your gp, try to get some counselling. You need some external support and your dh needs to see you are trying. You also need to let go of the resentment for the loss of your single life. You are a grown up now you can have fun but you also have responsibilities that's the way life goes.

I also know that the baby is scary! But you will get through the scary bit.

Have you thought of working more full time after maternity. Life as a sahm is not for everyone. Maybe dh can do the sah bit?

Wow. So many replies. So much to think about.

For what its worth some of the harder replies I do tend to agree with. I know some of "me" is self pitying and wallowing and being a mumof soon to be two young children and me being 32 this year I should "grow the fuck up". I think the difficulty is me trying to find a way to do that. I tend to go to my gp, get help for depression (was on anti d's for a good few years when dd was little but they just made me feel spaced out, not "happier" athough I suppose I did function better). I've tried numerous anti d's. They all make me feel the same. Apart from prozac which I seemed to develop an eating disorder on - never sought help for it as realised it was linked to the tablets and stopped taking them. Haven't had a problem with eating since.

I think my dh does have controlling tendancies. And yes its very interesting when you say I've swapped my mum for my dh , they are quite similar although both would deny it.

In fact when I first got with dh my mother was outraged as I hadn't been divorced long and we'd just moved into a new house and my mum felt like I'd invaded her space by bringing another person in. Quite often she'd drink way too much whisky, slam everything about and go to bed shouting "fucking bastard" aimed at my dh (when dd was away at her dads, the sun shines out of my mums arse as far as dd is concerned and that's a good thing I guess). She's ended up drunk on the sofa ranting away at 3am when dh and I got back from a night out (when we lived together) and shouting at me that "after everything she's done for me this is how I treat her" (by asking her to move out) - ended up driving round at 3am looking for her after she went walking the streets in her pj's wiith dh walking the other direction to try and find her!! Yes she is a nightmare.

She's frequently told me to "fuck off" and "piss off" when she's been drunk and slammed doors in my face when I've gone to ask her what's wrong so I've given up now. And now I'm a terrible daughter and apparently I make her "nervous" even just talking to me!! This isn't helped by the fact she's not had a relationship with nyone for more than a year since divorcing my dad when I was 12. She has no friends. I am an only child. She looked after my gran at home when she died of cancer (along with me) and she expects me to keep her at home with me till she dies. That's why she is so angry. But I can't do it. I refuse to.

I'm not afraid of being on my own. But I am sad for dd in that she was very upset when my ex husband left us when she was about 5. Hed brought her up since she was 6 months old and then he just disappeared. No contact. I don't want to keep distrupting her life. She knows dh gets a bit grumpy but generally we do try to make things happy for her, she's a very happy chold. Unless she's hiding everything. I don't know. She's always saying she loves dh. I think she likes the stability after being just us for quite a while (even when I was with ex h it was mostly just me and her whereas dh is very involved and there is no doubt that he is a loving parent, just a shit at controlling his anger sometimes).

Yes I can see breaking those things was abusive insome ways. I can also see he was hurt. And yes the comment that started it all was stupid but then there's so much background its not taking much to tip things over.

I do most of the housework, mainly because I'm ocd about it. Dh does as much as me if he's off for the day. When he was at home with dd the other day and I was working he put washing on and away, did the dishwasher, cleaned up. That wasn't fair of me to say I do it all. I suppose I'm just trying to say I do make an effort to keep things good for us as a family.

I'm going to go and think about the replies and look into counselling. Thank you for your input.

Op you have just flung me back to being pg. I felt so similar to you when I was pregnant with ds. I didn't want to be pregnant I didn't feel how I should about this thing inside me. I didn't feel excited. I just got through everyday as best I could. Mw wanted me to get pills from tge gp but I couldn't do I struggled through. My dad had passed away just before I got pregnant plus I had a mc, infact did not have a period between pregnancies.

It is now 7 months after I gave birth. I can honestly say I am in love with my son now. Please talk to someone, I wish I had accepted more help. I did eventually confess how I felt to my dh. He was amazing. And tbh I was surprised at just how good he was

I hope you can find someone to speak too.

Don't ever use your child as a reason to be in a relationship with a man. You really aren't doing them any favours.

Why should she have to deal with him being "a bit grumpy"? When in fact his "a bit grumpy" is shouting and banging and not having an off switch for it. You seem to be wanting to train your dd to tolerate this maybe the same way you were trained to tolerate your mother's awful behaviour. Repeating these sorts of mistakes is not a good idea.

Lucky him you're OCD about housework so he doesn't have to make an effort. And he's still angry? What about exactly?

I think I would react in the same way as your husband though if you were constantly moody and wouldn't discuss your problems. Throwing everything he does back in his face and saying you'd rather be on your own and he can have his child on his own. I think you need to learn to express yourself to him more and hopefully he will understand. Obviously from your upbringing you have always felt you should bottle things up and be on your own.
As for your mum I think she needs to get a grip .. Maybe suggest ways she could meet new people so she isn't so dependent on you. You shouldn't feel that you need to be there for her constantly you have your own life.

It really is OK to tell this man to leave for a while. An awful lot of 'depression' in women is due to living with an abusive man - and though you suffered from depression before you met this one it sounds as though that was caused by living with your abusive mother. Tell your DH that you are not well enough to be in a relationship at the moment, that you need some time and space, and that hopefully you will be able to mend things with him later.
If he won't go, get onto WA, be firm if necessary. Whether or not he is the cause of your MH problems, he's not helping by the sound of it.

He sounds quite immature to me as shown by him laughing about what your ex looks like. Is he?

Having read your most recent post Loonybun I think that your relationship with your mum could be a lot more relevant to how you feel than you maybe realise. You aren't responsible for her you know, she is an adult and responsible for her own life. Even if you were well you wouldn't be responsible for her and it is deeply unfair of her to try and make you fill the role of her combined friend/carer/daughter/life-partner etc, that is a huge burden to put on anyone and if she loved you properly she wouldn't do that to you, she is being very selfish and sounds very dysfunctional. I think you need to really think about this relationship and perhaps look into counselling to help you with it - it perhaps explains the worries you feel about bonding with your own children. Wishing you strength to deal with it all, you sound so unhappy, please try and get some help.

I do wonder it was your mum's places to move out of her OWN HOME so you & your dh could live there. I would also be more than a bit pissed at being forced out of my home so you can set up there, tbh. In all fairness, it is you that sounds controlling, especially at that aspect of it.

I do wonder why it was your mum's places to move out

There's too much going on in your life, isn't there, Loonybun. From your threads, I agree that DH isn't what you need right now (someone steady and supportive) and I really don't like this temper of his. Smashing your stuff is actually on the lists of abusive behaviours, including the one at Women's Aid.

Since there's so much working against you at the moment, it's hard to say he's 'an abuser' and will get worse. There are quite a number of significant risk factors - you've just got married, you're pregnant, you've a background of being bullied. I'm concerned about you.

You're getting good replies here. I'd say your history to date has left you with some misplaced boundaries and some dysfunctional responses, which can't be helping you any. I hope you'll keep your thread going; people here will help you sort out your thoughts & feelings.

What I really wanted to say is: I'm blown away by your honesty! Few people have your level of self-awareness. It takes courage to tell your true feelings so clearly. So please keep talking :)

Loony, can I just point out that whilst ADs can be a life saver, they only mask the symptoms. You won't get better and feel better within yourself unless you make some sort of work and change your own behaviour.
As others have pointed out, you have a lot going on and I suspect a lot to do to untangled all the different influences in yur life and what you can and what you can't or shouldn't accept.

Could you go for counselling for yourself?

Sorry I haven't got time to reply much right now but just wanted to point out that I owned the house previously and my mum lived with me, not the other way round. When she moved out we remortgaged for her share. I owned the majority share. We did offer to move out and she have the houise but she decided to buy her own place.

I will reply properly tomorrow. Thank you for all the replies.

Thanks for the relies. I've been thinking so much about everything that everyone has said... I do think a lot of my problems are maybe to do with my mum, and that would make sense in that she's only moved out fairly recently so all the arguments I've had with her are fairly fresh. Its a long back story with my mum but short version is - she used to suffer with bipolar depression and was hospitalised several times while I was between 5-9 years old, my gran and dad mostly brought me up, she then made a full recovery and hasn't been "ill" since - not on medication or seeing counsellor etc, has been totally discharged and is mostly ok apart from the odd bout of depression which is no worse than the average person. I find it hard to separate when its reasonable to feel sorry for her (ie thinking she has depression / is upset ) to thinking she's being a fucking nightmare. We have always lived together. Back in a "different life" I worked 45 hours a week and earned a large amout and between nursery and my mum I basically brought us all a large house mortgage free (with a smaller share purchased by my mum) and in return for looking after dd for me (which incidentally she does very well, she actually works part time as a special needs supporter in school, she's very compis mentis before people suggest I'm leaving my dd with a lunatic) I let her stay effectively "free" as in I paid all the bills, food and maintenance. All she used her money for was herself, that's it. And my mums main pleasures aree drinking (in the evenings when dd was in bed and I was home) and smoking (which I can't stand and she's now quit by the wway).

Because I love my mum and wanted her to be happy we lived like this for ages. She has supported me through me leaving dd's dad and subsequently meeting and being divorced from my ex husband (who also lived with us, didn't go on the deeds or anything else). However, my mum is very over bearing. As I became more "homely" and wanted to work part time etc and do more at home we started to fall out. She clearly sees herself as the matriarch and didn't want me stamping my own ideas on the house and "taking dd away" from her - well that's my dd. She is the grandparent, not the mother. I still wanted her to look after dd in a grandparent sense but this wasn't enough for her. She felt I had taken her role away from her.

Coupled with all this is her complete lack of respect for my own personal boundaries, always having an opinion on anything I do. She would overspend every week on the food budget (she was responsible for food buying) despite having a budget causing me to go very owerdrawn but wouldn't let me do it as she saw this as an insult. I don't drink and I find her very hard to around when she's had a few drinks. She's extremely sexist and hates men (bad relationship history) so is constantly judgemental about any male friends or boyfriends etc I had. She has no sense of keeping things clean, which is fine as I was happy to do it but we're talking snotty tissues littered all over the house, never putting anything in the dishwasher etc. Her 3 dogs putting mud all through the house and shed never tidy it up. I just couldn't cope any more. It wasn't how I want to live.

I wasn't being horrible, I still wanted a relationship with my mum but she sees me wanting to live on my own as a rejection of her. Since she's moved out I've suggested doing things together, trying to offer olive branches but when we do go out (which she often refuses) its clear how angry she is with me and she hates me for what she sees as getting rid of her.

Financially we gave her more than her share of the house so that she could buy a nice 2 bed with garden as opposed to the pokey flat she would have been able to afford on her own money. She has no mortgage because we remortgaged our house to pay for it. So its really not a case of me chucking her out or being unfair. I feel I have been more than fair. Although now she keeps saying she has no money and moans constantly - but no one has lots of money!!! Except me when I was working full time and she didn't have to worry. Its like she's still stuck in that time. She ois 63 years old and not an. "Oap" in the sense that yes she is old but she's not past it, she's fit and active, works part time and is healthy. She's not 90 and struggling to get about etc. Me and dh set the whole house up for her, I visit every day whenever she's up for it and she still looks after dd the 3 days I'm working (she wants to, and I'm happy about that). But apparently I'm the evil daighter. Mainly because she saw herself being at home with me till she died like my gran was and she doesn't understand why I don't want that. Does that make me selfish? I'm 31 years old and I have never lived without my mum. I want to try. That's all. I want a normal mother daughter relatiOnship.

So dh and I are having a hellish time still. Dd is away at her dads this whole week so its not like she's around to see us arguing.

I realise a lot of rplies seem to think he's abusive and I'm really not sure what to think anymore. I don't know if I'm fuelling things or not being forgiving enough, or whether I've just reached the end of my tether.