My husband told me last night that he no longer loves me but isn't leavinig unless I tell him to?

[georgeandfreyasmummy]

My husband told me last night that he no longer loves me or thinks I'm the right person for him however he will only leave if I tell him to. I am a stay at home mum of two preschool children am completely financially reliant on him. And beside that I want my marriage to work I want to raise our two childdren together. I am in a complete state today - he's at work now so won't talk to me that's why I'm writing this because I need to somehow function today and be there for my gorgeous children.
His argument is that he is fundamentally a selfish person that he is nearly 40 and cannot change that fact - that we have been together 13 years and the relationship is now beyond repair.

By the way he told me this whilst playing around on his Ipad last night - he wouldn't even look at me.

Honey, your life is so going to change for the better once you've kicked this controlling twat out of it...

I could be wrong here, but I think if he doesn't live with you anymore, you can tell the CSA & they will ask him for maintenance. This happened to my cousin - his wife moved out of their marital home with the baby & that very day reported him as an "absent parent" to the CSA, who immediately got in touch with him.
Definitely worth checking out with the CBA, because if your husband is an accountant and you have 2 children, you would be looking at 20% of his net income & I'm willing to bet that would be a damn site more than £60 per week.

You are going through a very difficult time, but HE will be the final loser, without his children and a wife that has been for him all this time. Crazy.Keep strong.

I think you should call you mum or someone in RL to give you support. Your friends sound great, I hope they can give you some support.

Good luck. xxx It will get better.

Name changed. I don't really want my Real Life linked to my usual MN name.

I am in the same situation but in my case I am the OP's DH.

My wife wants to hold the marriage together because of the kids and because she says she still loves me. The sex ended years ago (her choice). We now have different bedrooms (her decision). She does nothing but complain and shout at me in front of the kids. If that is 'love' then she can keep it.

A few days ago we went shopping and she decided to spend £115 on two tubes of face cream from Boots. To me it wasn't a big deal because we are both high earners so a) its her money b) its only a small part of our income.

We then walked past a phone shop and I mentioned that my phone is about 2 years old and that for an extra £10 a month I can upgrade to a new one. She then started going on about I am always wasting money and how I don't need a new phone and how she is trying to save for the future and how I'm not single anymore and that I need to think about saving for the childrens's future. The woman just spent £115 on some miracle cure face cream and she thinks I'm wasting money????

Anyway, the above is an example of what we constantly argue about.

We have been together for over 10 years and we have two young children at private school. Then there is the big-ish mortgage. If we were to get divorced we would have to sell the house and get two smaller properties each. We may even have to pull the kids out of private school. Basically, we can only support our current lifestyle as a couple living together.

In 2011 we had a couple of blazing rows where she told me to move out. I refused. By morning it was as if nothing had happened. Well the next time we had a blazing row I told her to be careful what she said. I told her thaall my valued possessions were in two Tuff crates in the garage and all she has to do is tell me to piss off and I will. Although the arguments are still on going she now refrains from telling me to leave the house.

I obviously don't know the OP or her DH so I won't comment on her post except to say it is not automatically the fault of the guy and that there doesn't have to be another woman involved.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation DrSwap, but it isn't really the same.

Your wife says she still loves you - this OP doesn't even have the comfort of that. You are earning & have a degree of independence, even though you are not choosing to exploit that at this stage. You've also thrown down the gauntlet to your wife and called her bluff. This OP isn't in that situation at all.

the child benefit already goes into my account which covers the council tax which comes out of my account - tge council tax has always come out of my account since we first started to live together 11 years ago - weird set up i know!
he pays the bills & mortgage out of his account each month. the house is in both our namesbut probably little or no equity in it....
i know it takes 2 people to break a marriage - i have changed towards him since having tge children - i have become frustrated at his lack of interest in the them & his lack of support. he hss said that he thinks i hate him & maybe i have made him feel that way.
ive just hoped that he would realise what he could lose & become less selfish. i honestly thought thst deep down he loved me he was just adjusting to fatherhood etc

DrSwap that's a sad story, though I am not sure it fully compares to the OP's since you and your wife are, in your words, high earners, and she is being given £60 a week by her husband who keeps his earnings from her.

Are you really willing to put up with this unhappines for the sake of your 'lifestyle' (your word)? You sound very unhappy. I doubt the kids are unaware of this.

Dr swap, your situation. You aren't the DH. If anything you are the op. Your genitalia have nothing to do with it.

Your wife sounds horrible, you sound like the abused party. Always being made to feel small, shouting in front of the kids, withdrawal of affection. That is all pretty abusive.

Ops husband definitely is abusing her financially, without a shadow of a doubt and wants the living status, much like your wife seems to. I'd be surprised if your wife hadn't checked out and gone elsewhere as well in all honesty. She certainly seems detached from you. Much like this guy here.

Not sure how that is relevant to this thread, DrSwap, apart from you, like the OP, being on the receiving end of a partner calling it quits, but not quite leaving. Just really using it as blackmail.

If a person tells the other that it's best to finish it off, then my advice is for the other to accept it.

In fact, I should have done the same years ago when ex threatened the same. I could slap myself now. :)

Not sure your kids will thank you for staying together, even though they go to a private school.

Are you sure there's not another man involved in your case (wife), or even another woman?

OP, the money situation is appalling. You and the kids will definitely be better off if he has to pay a decent amount via child support. I don't see how you can be much worse off, in fact. Can you find any bank statements of his or wage slips?

i have become frustrated at his lack of interest in the them & his lack of support.
How is that your fault???

Stop paying council tax from your account. It will be ok until you sort out your finances.

Basically, you should not feel that you can't let him go because of your finances.
Short term you will be ok and long term too.

Have you checked any paperwork at home for evidence of his accounts, etc?

He bought himself an IPad whilst you can't even afford to clothe yourself and the children??

I know it is easy for me to say but one day you will breathe a huge sigh of relief that you are no longer with this abusive fucker.

He sounds nasty, mean, selfish and entitled.

You will be so much better off without him financially, emotionally and mentally.